Episode Report Card Sara M: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Long Bad Show
By Sara M | Season 8 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.14.2003
Chandler nixes the idea, saying that he would prefer "to leave…and come back." Brilliant! "Come back married?" RevCam asks. Whoa, RevCam, settle down. Chandler says he doesn't want to discuss his non-marriage to Roxanne "again," which indicates that Eric's been needling him about this all summer. Of course, we wouldn't know since we haven't seen it. "Okay. No judgment," RevCam says. The most gullible person on the planet rolls his eyes in complete disbelief at that statement. Chandler says that RevCam really doesn't have the right to be uppity, since "[he doesn't] know that [they're] doing anything." This is when I realized that RevCam was all into their getting married because he disapproves of an unmarried couple staying in the same house overnight. He doesn't care about his co-worker's happiness; he just wants to keep up appearances and make sure his flock is upholding his fine tradition of morality. Eric does not respond to Chandler, instead preferring to suck on the inside of his cheek like a smug bastard. Chandler explains that Roxanne is reluctant to get married. RevCam insinuates something along the lines of Roxanne not needing to buy the cow when she can get the milk for free. Wait, so are those two doing it? That was another "cliffhanger," right? Surely a clear answer will be revealed to us before the end of the episode. Chandler asks Eric when he's leaving. RevCam says that whether the Camdens are at the Beach Mansion or not, "God knows what [Chandler and Roxanne are] doing." Yeah, but I bet He won't have to don a hooded sweatshirt, hide in the bushes outside, and peer in through the windows while lying to his family that he's going out for ice cream.
RevCam comes inside the house to resume unpacking the picnic basket, like, how much stuff did they put in there anyway? SamVid enters the room and announces that it requires sustenance in order to function at optimum levels. At this point, I really thought (and hoped) that they were going to smack RevCam over the head with a frying pan and then devour him, thus earning the episode an "A+," but no. RevCam offers them a snack, but they want dinner. Unfortunately, SuperMom is asleep, and she's apparently the only person in the whole wide world who's capable of preparing meals. SamVid frets that Annie will sleep through dinner and into tomorrow. RevCam says that that won't happen, to which SamVid looks at him incredulously. RevCam backpedals and says that Annie only slept through dinner once, and he was able to fashion them some banana sandwiches, so dinner was saved. SamVid is not amused. RevCam gets creeped out enough by his scary children to relent, and offers to drive them to a restaurant. SamVid requests "something gooooood," "in case there's no dinner." Wow, it's really pretty sad that children this young are worried that they won't get dinner tonight. Sounds like Annie spent this summer abusing her kids again.
RevCam leads SamVid outside, where they encounter Simon, who's busy sitting on the fence looking at the ocean. RevCam asks if he wants to join them for food at "Captain Crabby's Crabhouse," which is both the most unoriginal and least appetizing name for a restaurant ever. Simon volunteers to drive. Eric pauses, then takes out his car keys and offers them to Simon. Simon gets all huffy that his dad hesitated, saying that if Eric really thought the accident wasn't Simon's fault, he wouldn't be afraid to let SamVid drive with him. "I wasn't going that fast, Dad," Simon says, "I wasn't going any faster than anyone else. I didn't see him, okay? I didn't see him! He came out of nowhere." Another piece of the "how did the accident happen?" puzzle has been provided, although this wouldn't even be necessary if Brenda had just allowed us to actually see what happened instead of having to hear about it through unexciting expository dialogue. Simon picturesquely walks onto the beach. RevCam stands around looking helpless and pained as Lucy and Kevin enter. They both volunteer to talk to Simon, but RevCam says that he'll do it. Lucy says that RevCam's had too many talks with Simon and he hasn't even had a real vacation. SamVid whines about going to Captain Crabby's, because they're brats. Lucy says that she'll take the twins to Crabby's Crabbing Crab Crabs and Kevin will talk to Simon; RevCam can enjoy his last day of vacation with a nap. Because you can't take naps at home, so that's a worthwhile thing to do on vacation. RevCam agrees. By the way, where are Ruthie and Peter during all this? Shouldn't Rev "All Unmarried Couples Should Be At Least Fifty Feet Away From Each Other At All Times" Cam be trying to piss on their fun parade right about now?