Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT You'll never believe this, but...
By Gwen | Season 4 | Episode 3 | Aired on 11.05.2000
Richard follows Ally into her office and tells her about Cindy being a transsexual. He says that Cindy has "so many nice qualities -- one of them is a penis." Ally opens her mouth in shock. Richard goes on to ask if he should tell Mark. The whole time he's talking, Ally stays still with her mouth open. Finally she repeats what Richard said, because they haven't yet reached the "penis"-uttering quota for the first quarter of the show. (I believe that they're trying to say it more frequently each subsequent episode.) Richard says, "Yes. It's not right."
We see Boston at night while Ally voice-over yammers that you'd think Mark "would win the contest for having the biggest problem." She adds, "But these aren't ordinary times." So I'm guessing that Ally's going to meet up with a really big problem of her own. She's sitting at a restaurant table, picking at her lip and waiting for her "old person" date. Up walks the guy who played Josie Grossie's hot teacher on Never Been Kissed. He's looking tired and a little greasy. I guess the show has that effect on actors. There's some confusion about the guy's table -- the waiter thinks Ally's sitting at it. Ally gawks at the guy and voice-overs some tripe about how she can't have the "beautiful young thing" because she's on a date with someone else. Because otherwise, you see, she'd be sure to have him. Men can't resist Ally McBeal. He could be married, gay, or a legal minor, and it wouldn't matter. Within moments he'd be servicing her in the car wash -- no doubt about it. Happens all the time. It's just something about Ally, I tell ya. The guy's led away by the waiter and Ally's tongue oozes onto the table with a little help from the computer-generated imaging that made this show famous. (Is there a software company we can sue for that?)
Michael the Old Person finally shows up, explains that he was late because of his environmental-issues case, and orders a bottle of Cristal. Ally voice-overs that she's happy to be with a guy who doesn't care about money but has plenty of it. Whatever. I'm really not appreciating the voice-over thing. It's just a way for the writers to pack more of Ally's annoying opinions into each hour. What's next? I know. They can put a little box in the corner of the screen like the ones where people used to do sign language, but instead it'll have Ally fingering her mouth. They can run that all through the hour, whether Ally has a subplot on-screen or not. Oh, and they can replace all the closed-captioning captions with "penis penis penis." I think it's the obvious next step, don't you? Ally tells us that she and Old Michael have no interests in common besides disco. She claims that she was a little girl when disco was popular. No...I was a little girl when disco was popular. Ally was several years beyond that. Oh, wait...they're pretending she's thirty this season, aren't they? Sorry -- let me get my disbelief re-suspended. Oh, shoot. It fell down again. Oh, well.