Episode Report Card Heathen: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Beyond Repair
By Heathen | Season 8 | Episode 11 | Aired on 01.09.2002
"It's colder in here than it is outside," Richard says lamely. He and Abby are in Doc Magoo's, and she's acting as cold as Carter's mother. They swap incredibly uncomfortable small talk about work and whether she's dating. That divorce was a good idea. Then, Abby does something incredibly stupid -- she lets herself ramble. "What do you want, X?" she asks. "Can I call you X? It's almost, like, sexy. People might think it's short for ecstasy, or XXX, which stands for porn...uh, except for in cartoons, where it stands for poison, which I always thought was funny..." Yikes. This is what being single has done to Abby. No, strike that -- this is what being Abby has done to Abby. Richard coughs that he has something to tell her, and his serious demeanor makes Abby smirk. "Oh my GOD! Are you going to jail?" she gapes. Richard, by the look of it, deeply appreciates her faith in him. He then opens his mouth and vomits up a partially digested anvil: "I'm getting married." Abby's jaw hits the floor, but mine's still neatly in place, thanks to the fact that I've watched television before. Abby tries to discredit the wench, hoping she's a rich young bimbo who'll get dumped the minute her ankles threaten to swell and Richard decides she's not that pretty or special. Richard dispels that immediately. Corinne is thirty-four, down-to-earth, a teacher, and above all, a single mom to six-year-old Adam. The idea of Richard as a father, especially when he admits he's always wanted kids, clearly affects Abby -- remember that secret abortion? Right. Abby stares into her coffee, having just suffered a nasty kick in the gut. Cocking an eyebrow, she pretends the wall is Richard, and asks it why he chose today, of all days, to drop the bomb. Richard, bless the bastard, doesn't remember that it's her birthday, so a betrayed and wounded Abby bolts from Doc Magoo's. But her conscience stops her, turns her around, and forces her to say, "I hope it works out this time." Richard thanks her, and Abby -- cold inside and out -- flees into the snow.
Carter and Susan spent the commercial break ordering Chinese food, and are now huddled in the lounge eating lunch and flipping through skiing brochures. Carter extols the virtues of Aspen and its varied-skill slopes. I can't tell if they're vacationing together, or if being rich has made him boring. When he notices Susan's faintly popping jaw, Carter tries to press his ear up to it; Susan flirtatiously fights back and ends up getting kissed. A cold wind blows in from the reception area. It's an Abby gale. Carter and Susan leap apart and pretend they're just casually going about their business. Susan even bolts the room. Wordlessly, Abby opens her locker and digs around inside. "Sorry about that," Carter says. Abby plays dumb. "I should've said something sooner," he clarifies. "It snuck up on me." Yes, if by "snuck," he means "developed slowly from Thanksgiving until today." Abby totally knows he's full of shit, especially when he tries to play it off like a friendship. "Never seen you kiss Frank like that," she says, pointedly and with a slight smile. Carter is being an ass. He should grow some hair on his chest and take ownership of his love life. I think he just feels guilty because he rejected Abby's ham-handed advances and wasn't completely honest about why. She brushes off his attempt at diplomacy. "Don't sweat it, Carter," she says, tiredly crossing the room and exiting.