Episode Report Card Manimal: B | 2 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Truth be told -- over and over again
By Manimal | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.29.2001
Sydney marches in to Sloane's office and says in a poignant whisper, "What did you do?" Sloane says, "I might ask you the same question." He tells her that Security became aware of the breach and did what was required. He then points out that Sydney knew the codes of conduct and that they applied to her, even as she risked everyone's lives at SD6. And you know what, he's evil and all, but the man has a point. I mean, she's seen how they've worked now for seven years, and didn't she think for a minute about how dangerous it would be for both her and Danny to tell him what she really did for a living? Plus, Jennifer Garner is kind of a blank slate in this scene, and she doesn't transcend the thin material here to make me sympathize with her.
Manimal: I keep praying for a commercial break so I can pee.
BGCF: I keep praying for a commercial for Zoolander so I can stop watching this shit for thirty seconds.
Manimal: God, I really have to pee.
BGCF: You have the prostate of an eighty-year-old man. Girl, go pee! You're taping this, aren't you? You're acting as dumb as she is.
Weep, weep, weep; why, why, why. Sloane lays down The Firm Hand Of No Tickee, No Washee. Jennifer Garner tries to get all menacing and grabs him by the throat: "Stop saying 'we.' Stop talking about the agency. You killed the man I love." Sloane says softly, "No, Agent Bristow. You did." Oooh, can everyone smell that? I do believe that's this season's hottest scent, Big-Time Burn. Sydney wants to leave the office. Sloane tells her she has to be screened, because she's a risk now, too.
Sydney gets screened. Lots of montages and layering. Long story short: Sydney's sad and being forced to relive her history at the agency and what happened with Daniel. Sydney watches as Sloane talks to the screener. He gives her his patented "I'm a twinkly Jewish Santa Claus even though I'm about to bring the pain" Ron Rifkin look. Sydney finally leaves the building, only to see her Pathfinder being towed.
Taiwanese Interrogation Chamber. Hey, it's that Generic Asian Bad Guy! Sydney is all dopey, yet still sassy! GABG tells her he doesn't want to make it too painful, and Sydney sasses back that she's glad they're on the same page. Sassy, sassy, sassy! Actually, JG is far more fun in her Lola-rip-off hair. Maybe she's only charismatic when she doesn't have her boring grad-student hair. GABG asks who's she working for. Threats are made. Sydney tells him to get a pen, and then spells out the word "EMETIB." She then tells him to reverse it. Hey, she did that pretty quick! Man, I could never be a spy, if spelling backwards rapidly is a required skill. She laughs and says, "I've got news for you, man. I'm your worst enemy. I've got nothing to lose." Um, who uses the word "man" in conversation anymore, unless you're Tommy Chong? ["Um." -- Sars] But anyway -- hoo, that Sydney! She puts the "ass" in "sass"! GABG says menacingly as he unzips some instruments, "That's not exactly true. You have teeth."
US of A. Danny's funeral. Mucho sadness. More complaint rock. Spy Daddy watches from a distance. A woman with the bright red hair we see Sydney wearing in the Taiwan Interrogation scenes kisses Will.