Episode Report Card Omar G: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Slash-o-Vision
By Omar G | Season 1 | Episode 4 | Aired on 11.05.2001
Graveyard. Lana is talking to her mom's gravestone about the diary she found. She says that now her conversations with the dead woman don't seem so one-sided. "Every time I get closer to you, something pulls me away," she says. At that moment, Jocko Whitney comes up from behind. He comes on angry and pissy: "They're dead, Lana. You have this great life and you can't even see it." Who knew Jocko could act? Lana looks all sad. "You don't deserve your life," Jocko tells her, and leans in, full of juicy menace. Bone-crunching transformation. Now it's Shapeshifta' Girl, but somehow she remained the same height as Jocko. Will wonders never cease? "I do!" Shapeshifta' growls. She grabs Lana and starts to choke her. After roughly three seconds of choking (Lana's lungs must have been turned walnut-sized by that kryptonite necklace), Lana collapses on the ground. Shapeshifta' grabs the kryptonite necklace and holds it lovingly.
I may be a simple man, but monkeys instant-messaging is just funny to me. I can't help it. The only thing that would make that AOL/cell phone commercial funnier is if a message said, "You've got bananas!"
Tales from the Smallville Crypt. Lana is in a coffin, on her back, in a scene right out of first-season Buffy. She wakes up holding her neck and coughing. There's a skull right next to her, at about waist level. It's the dead body of Hervé Villechaize! Lana breathes hard and pushes at the coffin lid, without success. But, look here! It's X-Ray Boy! Jogging through the graveyard! Just in time! He sees the shadowy form of Jocko Whitney approach. Why would Shapeshifta' Girl bother turning back to Whitney? Isn't it Lana she wants to be? Ew. Maybe she had some sort of self-sex/multiple-self-partners thing going. X-Ray Boy asks about Lana. Jocko says he hasn't seen her. He's holding the kryptonite necklace in hand and Clark suddenly gets the Weak Knees of Villainy. "What's the matter, Clark? Not feeling well?" Shapeshifta' Jocko asks, then whales on Clark with a metal pipe in the back. X-Ray Boy buckles under the blow, of course. You gave that necklace back, why, Clark? "Where's Tina?" Clark asks in a small voice. "Tina doesn't exist anymore!" Shapeshifta' Jocko says, and I get a weird Brandon Teena vibe from that. More pipe whalin'. Clark gets thrown across the graveyard, breaking gravestones as he falls on them. "I know what it's like to live with a secret," Clark moans. Shapeshifta' Jocko doesn't really care. He/She takes off the letterman jacket and throws it aside, along with the necklace. He/She says this He/She is really going to kill Clark. Pipe is raised. Kryptonite necklace fades to dark. Clark gets his powers back and zooms away in a blur as the pipe falls. He shows up behind Shapeshifta' and flatly says, "Where's Lana?" Now I get a Twin Peaks flashback to "How's Annie?" Brawling. Fighting. Wussy swing-pushes into papier-mâché gravestones. "Who are you?" Shapeshifta' asks. "Where is she?" Clark asks. If they could just get a mediator, this could all be solved much more quickly. In one final blow, X-Ray Boy throws Shapeshifta' and He/She hits a big tree and falls. Bone crunching as Shapeshifta' Jocko turns into Shapeshifta' Girl. Same clothes and height, mind you. "Lana!" Clark calls out. He uses his X-Ray eyes and scans the graveyard. He sees a remarkably spry corpse pushing against the lid of a coffin in a crypt. He also notices Jimmy Hoffa's body in the far end of the graveyard, but he ignores that.