Episode Report Card Camper: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Corners and Consequences
By Camper | Season 1 | Episode 16 | Aired on 04.07.2001
Babylon! Hot Dancing Gay Boys In '60s Mod Drag shake it down on the raised platforms...wait a minute. Those aren't drag queens, those are women. Wait a minute, they're all women! Cut to TLFKAM, looking at all the Hot Dancing Gay, uh, Girls, groove on the dance floor, to a techno remix of "These Boots are Made for Walking." Ted, Emmett, and TLFKAM lean on the bar next to her. Ted and Emmett look around them in shock and disgust, because the concept of lesbians dancing is so foreign to them. Emmett cheerfully chirps, "Isn't Dyke Night fun?" Ted drones, "I don't know when I've had such a good time." Probably the last time you were at Babylon, Eeyore. Ted and Emmett turn back to the bar and Emmett whispers, "I hate Dyke Night." Ted shudders, "Me, too. I feel so violated." Oh, shut. UP. First of all, shut up. Second of all, then why are you here? TLFKAM doesn't know any women she could have gone with? Third of all, gay men who can't stand watching gay women together is not funny, it's lame. And fourth of all, in the immortal words of my favorite fictional press secretary, shut up again. Emmett looks at two women grinding together and ewws, "What are they doing?" Ted shakes his head, "The muncher mash?" God. Emmett asks TLFKAM when she was last at Dyke Night, and she answers that it was before she met Lindsay. Ted reminds her that that they weren't going to mention St. L., so that was a really stupid question, now, wasn't it? Emmett points out an intense woman with short red hair; TLFKAM sighs that she looks like Lindsay with red hair. Ted points out another intense woman with long black hair; TLFKAM mopes that she looks like Lindsay with black hair. And, of course, neither of them looks like Lindsay at all. Ted and Emmett roll their eyes. Cut to a tall guy with a crew cut, who either didn't get the memo, or is really, really desperate. Ted snarks, "Don't tell me. He reminds you of Lindsay in drag." TLFKAM says that she just can't help it: "I miss her! I thought we'd be together forever. That she would be the one I'd kiss goodnight for the rest of my life. Now I live with my cousin Rita and kiss her goodnight. Christ." Yeah, well, then maybe you shouldn't have...ah, screw it, I'll have plenty of ranting time later on. As a matter of fact, let me just get the soapbox out from under the bed right now. Ted shakes his head: "Look, [TLFKAM], it's been fun hanging out with you, you've been a great fag hag --" and Emmett continues, "But the thing of it is, fag hags are supposed to be fun." And straight, too, I thought. Aren't they supposed to be straight? Ted suggests that TLFKAM go see Lindsay and tell her how she feels. TLFKAM whines, "How can I do that? After what I did?" How can you not, hmmm? Ted replies that it takes two (I typed that through gritted teeth, by the way), and that she has nothing to lose. "Unless," he adds, swallowing down bile, "you wanna wait for the next Dyke Night." He and Emmett head to the dance floor. I thought they were on their way out, but they start dancing behind TLFKAM -- proving once again that the rhythm is going to getcha, no matter what -- and she takes one last swig of her beer and sighs, as the camera does this slo-mo, then fast-paced thing around her, which looks cool, but has absolutely nothing to do with anything. I'm having problems with style over substance this week. Blame it on a lack of sleep.
Brian's Jeep. He's driving Justin to school. Justin tells Brian that he drinks too much coffee. Brian looks at the cup in his hand and says it's not coffee, it's latte. Justin says that it's just coffee that costs five bucks. Where does latte cost five bucks? I just got some today that was only $3.40, with tax, and that was the largest size they had. Wait, am I not proving my point? Justin PSAs: "And it still causes high blood pressure, heart attacks, poor sexual performance --" Brian interrupts, "I haven't had any complaints." Yes. We know. You're a stud. There's no one in Pittsburgh who's a bigger stud than you. Just sit there and look pretty, all right? Justin continues, "-- not to mention insomnia." Brian replies, "Well, usually when I'm in my bed, I'm not asleep anyway, so it really doesn't matter." Justin snickers, "No, but see, fortunately, I have youth on my side. I can spend all night fucking, and still score 1500 on my SATs." Brian's impressed, and tells Justin that he could go anywhere he wanted for college with those scores. Justin says that he applied to Dartmouth and Brown. Brian frowns slightly: "What, you're going out of state?" Justin snorts, "You give a shit?" Brian pauses, and then replies, "It's just the first I've heard of it, is all." Justin grins, triumphantly: "You do. You give a shit. You give a shit!" Could be. Betcha Brian doesn't do anything about it, though. Brian pulls up to the school as Justin croons, "You so care about me-eee! You lo-ove me-eee!" Ha ha ha! Brian orders him to get out of the car. Justin gets one last one in: "Brian Kinney gives a shit!" Brian tells him to fuck off. Justin slams the Jeep door shut with a smug grin. He meets Daphne (Daphne! Yay!) on the steps. She takes a look at him and says, "Wow, you look self-satisfied. One could even say, 'supercilious.'" Justin replies that everyone knows she got 700 verbal; she can stop showing off. No. She can stay and show off forever. Daphne asks Justin what Brian said to him, and Justin smirks, "Hmm. It's what he didn't say."