Episode Report Card Sars: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Future Shock
By Sars | Season 6 | Episode 23 | Aired on 05.13.2003
That's it for me -- Wing Chun's got it from here. Mornin', Sam.
Mornin', Ralph. Fade up on Joey and Dawson, saying their vows at an outdoor wedding. That this scene is clearly a dream sequence from the very second it starts proves (a) once again, how creatively bankrupt Kevin Williamson is -- that Williamson can't find any way to communicate Dawson's inner thoughts other than by taking them completely literally and turning them into a not-at-all dreamlike dream; and (b) The WB really, really loves putting dream sequences in their promos to make you think the events of the dream sequence are actually going to happen in the episode. Anyway. Joey and Dawson are holding each other's hands, and of course Joey's wedding dress has freaking spaghetti straps, and of course her posture is horrendous, and of course I now have to recap a recap. Joey: "There's so much, Dawson. So many good times and bad. When I loved you, you loved Jen. When you loved me, I needed to be on my own. So I left you for Jack. And then he realized he was gay." Dawson: "And then I convinced you to turn your dad in for trafficking cocaine, and you said you'd never speak to me again." Joey: "But I did. I offered myself to you at that party after you crashed your dad's boat." Dawson: "And I refused...for some reason." Wing Chun: "That reason being because YOU ARE GAY." Dawson: "And so you fell for Pacey." Wing Chun: "In large part because he's straight." Joey: "And years passed, and finally here we are, saying 'I do.' The way it should be -- the only way it can be, for star-crossed, ill-fated soulmates. So I do." Dawson: "I do, too." Joey smiles. James Van Der Beek clenches his jaw, pictures John Wesley Shipp, and grabs Joey's face, leaning in for a totally convincing heterosexual kiss of the kind I'm totally sure he lays on his female fiancée, like, all the time. The crowd applauds. Dawson and Joey gaze at each other and smile, and as they turn to face the crowd, the shot changes, and we're looking at "Colby" and "Sam" in place of Dawson and Joey, and some guy yells, "Cut!"
Dawson wakes up with a start, and now we know that he is just as creatively bankrupt as Kevin Williamson, if he's even prepared to crib from his subconscious for trite-ass storylines for his moronic show. Anyway, Dawson -- his hair still maintaining its carpet-like nap, even after a full night's sleep -- glances around the bedroom before his eyes alight on a note on the pillow beside him: "See ya later Joey." Nice punctuation from the alleged editor, there. Dawson gazes at the note with faint amusement, or something, and then we get another fucking straight-over-Dawson's-bed shot, like I haven't already seen enough of those to last me a lifetime in the last day. Dawson -- alone again, naturally. It just feels right, doesn't it?
Jack and Sheriff Doug jog through the strangely yellow grass. Doug tells Jack he booked them a room at some lodge in some undisclosed location so they could go away the next weekend. Jack is not psyched. Doug notices, and calls him on it. Jack passive-aggressively asks whether Doug thinks that's "what [they] need right now -- another weekend away from Capeside?" At least you have a choice, jackass; I would have enjoyed another weekend away from Capeside, but here I am. They start walking up a bridge (?) to what I assume is Jack's house (…? I don't actually care). Doug snits, "I'm sorry I made the mistake of planning something nice for us." Jack tries to backpedal, saying he appreciates it, but that he'd prefer hanging out in town. Doug snaps, "Look, you knew when we started seeing each other that I wasn't ready for all of Capeside to know my business." Jack snaps back that that was six months ago: "You know, we do live in a post-Will & Grace world. Do you really think people care who [sic] you sleep with?" First of all, the only thing we in the post-Will & Grace world have learned from it is that stunt-casting is lame, and that fag hags can get married while their gay friends will be constantly disappointed in their romantic lives. Second of all, every time I think that the cause of gay acceptance has made any significant strides, all I have to do is read the letters page in People and realize that there is a large chunk of America that thinks Rosie O'Donnell is immoral. And third, shut up, Jack. If you can't hack dating a closeted man, don't date one, but don't turn it around on Doug to make it seem like his legitimate feelings are such a hassle to you.