Episode Report Card M. Giant: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bridezilla vs. Not-A-Mom
By M. Giant | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 06.05.2005
Nate catches up with Ruth at the bar and asks what's going on. Ruth's still pissed at Claire: "She's always trying to make some sort of statement. This is her way of saying I'm the fool who has to take care of a crazy person for the rest of my life...I don't need a photograph to see that. I don't need my face shoved in it." Nate offers to get her some help (for George, or for her?), but Ruth is distraught, saying she's still the one who has to be there all the time, "because there's no one else!" Having secured a glass of seltzer, she heads back to George to finish cleaning him up. That one day of taking care of him at home has really worn her down, hasn't it? Or maybe she just misses her oranges.
David returns to the table he's sharing with Keith, carrying three pieces of wedding cake. Greedy. "Who's the third one for?" Keith asks. David says it's to go under their pillow, so they can dream of their future child. "Or just get frosting in our ears," Keith cracks, apparently forgetting that David has hair. David breaks the news that he wants to go ahead with the surrogate. When Keith suspiciously asks why, David shares what he learned from Nate: "Because you want your own child. I don't want to be the one who denies you that, I want to be the one who helps you to have what you want." Keith asks about the kids who need homes. "We could do both," David suggests. "I think we should do both." Keith asks which comes first. "Whichever shows up first." Keith: "What if they both show up at the same time?" "Then we'll be really busy," says David. Keith realizes David's serious. "All right then," he says, and they tuck into their wedding cake. Hey, save some for the kids, you guys! Those of us who've watched TV before can tell you that you're going to need it when you're inevitably hit by a veritable human snowdrift of thirty-seven children in one day.
The bride has gone off somewhere to be alone, wearing Nate's suit jacket over her gown and carrying a glass of champagne. She sits down on a bench, pulls out a painkiller, snaps it in half, and washes it down with a swig. Because this is TV, the hallucinations begin instantly, and with a really nasty one: it's Lisa, wearing her bridal gown, and saying to Brenda, "You don't have to worry about it being like my wedding. I had a three-month-old baby when I got married, so it was a happy event, obviously. Really joyful." Maya was only three months old then? Sounds like Nate's hair grew back just in time after the brain surgery. Never mind me; I'm a recovering timeline-nitpicker. Lisa says she was always maternal, unlike Brenda. "I'm fucking maternal," Brenda snarls, using two words you don't often hear right next to each other like that. Lisa disagrees: "You're a slutbag. All the moments of your life have led up to this one. You're being punished." Brenda, clearly regretting ever having watched that wedding video, gets up to leave. But Lisa follows, saying, "Your insides must have gotten damaged from all that anonymous cock." Heh. Lisa points out all of the young mothers at the wedding, including the one who doesn't know she's expecting. "I'm gonna get my baby, you bitch," Brenda spits. "I got pregnant the fourth time I tried." Lisa says she didn't even have to try: "But I never partied like you did. It's a miracle you even conceived." Brenda says that lots of women have miscarriages; they just don't talk about it. I'm not going back and deleting anything else, okay? "None of the women at this wedding," says Lisa. "Except you, of course." Brenda says Lisa's just bitter because she had to get pregnant to get Nate to marry her. Lisa retorts, "I'm bitter? Who's drunk and yelling at a dead woman?" Brenda also brings up Lisa's affair with Hoyt, which Lisa dismisses as a purely spiritual thing. Heh. They were only using each other for their souls. Lisa says that Nate is her husband, "and he always will be." Brenda tells Lisa she's done, and she doesn't have the chance to try again for anything, unlike Brenda. "Oh, please," Lisa says. "Every time you try to have a nice normal life, you fuck it up. You're never gonna have your little Happily Ever After moment, no matter how many white veils you put on, honey. You're just too fucked up for all that. Maybe you should just accept that instead of trying to be something you're not." And that hits home, we can see by Brenda's face.