Episode Report Card Jessica: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Witch Hunt
By Jessica | Season 1 | Episode 6 | Aired on 10.18.1999
CBS's version of the blipvert -- the "evocative" black-and-white photos that divide each story line -- make their first appearance in this episode. All kids in crazy fright masks. I don't get it. Is it Halloween, or something?
At the Gray dinner table, Maxine is complaining that "this Susie Nixon person" treats her like an idiot. Amy tells her that "the world is full of annoying people," and that she should "try not to be one of them." Can I get that promise in writing? Thank you. Lauren asks to be excused. She's probably worried that The Gentlemen are coming. I mean, the Ghost of the Red Coat. Whatever. Amy tells her that she hasn't eaten anything. I notice that Amy has this huge bottle of beer next to her dinner plate. After the Featherstone/Axelrod bitchfest, I don't really blame her. I would have cracked open a cold one right there on the bench. Vincent, still unbathed, wanders into the kitchen looking like a homeless person, and asks if the kitchen is still open. He explains that his roommate is "breaking up with his girlfriend again," and that they kicked him out. Vincent, you can come stay with me! I'll bathe you and everything. Maxine waves her chopsticks at Vincent as she opines that "those two need to get married," because, you know, getting married solves any conflict you might have in a relationship. Just like having a baby will solve all marital problems. Boy, she really doesn't pay attention at work, does she? Amy claims that she doesn't think Vincent's apartment even exists, since she's never seen it. He invites her to "come by at your own risk." Lauren asks to be excused AGAIN. Let her go, Amy! Jeez. Instead, Amy attempts to entice Lauren to stay at the table by telling her that she's going to the PTA meeting at Lauren's school the following evening. As if Lauren cares. She's got some crazy militiaman coming to steal her voice and lock her in a dungeon. She's got other problems. Maxine says she'd rather "be burned at the stake than go to one of those meetings." Get it? The Wicca storyline? Burned at the stake? Salem witch trials? See? How clever. If "clever" means "obvious," and "labored." Amy says that she just wants to feel like a normal mom. Then I suggest cutting yourself free of the cushy, free child care and the high-paying job. We'll see how much you like being a normal mom then. Amy confesses that she is looking forward to discussing the Halloween carnival at the meeting, and that it should be "fuuuuuuuuun." Obviously, Amy has never been to a PTA meeting. Or she has a really weird concept of what "fun" actually is. Maxine charitably admits that the PTA may have changed since her day. Vincent totally ignores his entire family. Amy brings up Lauren's least favorite subject by asking what she wants to be for Halloween. Lauren, in the world's most uninterested tone, says she doesn't know. All this talk of costumes has awoken Vincent from the stupor that any discussion between his sister and mother seems to induce and he suggests that Lauren go as a vampire, because they're cool, with all the "long fangs, big cape, lots of fake blood." (Vincent doesn't watch Buffy, I guess). Lauren demurs. Amy tries to work up her enthusiasm by telling her that the trick-or-treating around town is "first-rate...none of that healthy stuff, like apples." Let me tell you, apples are bad, but my neighbor, who also happened to be my orthodontist, used to give out toothbrushes. Nothing kills the Halloween spirit quicker than the mention of oral hygiene. Lauren says that maybe she shouldn't go trick-or-treating at all, because she thinks she's growing out of candy. Amy -- having, I suppose, ignored all the uncomfortable looks and weird behavior Lauren's exhibited throughout dinner -- reminds Lauren that she loves Halloween, but doesn't, oh, I don't know, just ASK HER WHAT'S WRONG. She excuses Lauren to go watch TV, and tells Maxine that "that's not normal." Maxine eats her Chinese food and basically tells Amy not to worry about it. Vincent offers to go trick-or-treating with Amy. Hey, Vincent, you can -- no, that's just too easy. You can fill in the blank there. Amy wonders if Lauren heard about the "witch trial" at school and if that's why she's all freaked out. Vincent, who has a can of beer, in contrast to Amy's bottle and Maxine's glass (because, you know, Maxine is the old-skool, classy dame, Amy is the yuppie, and Vincent is, well, not all that refined), asks her what's she talking about. Amy realizes that she isn't supposed to be talking about a trial over which she's presiding, and scurries off to check on Lauren, with nary an explanation. It obviously psychically hurts Maxine to get teased with such good gossip and be denied the payoff, but Vincent just takes a swig of beer. He's an uncomplicated man, my Vincent.