By Jessica
Amy's sitting at her desk in the courtroom. She asks Bruce how many cases are left before lunch: Just one. "Good," she says, "stand back and observe how fast I can work when my stomach's involved." Well, it's nice to know that you've got your priorities straight. You know, lunch versus the welfare of children. Way to be invested in your work. Amy asks the prosecutor, Dobbs, (well, if family court technically even has "prosecutors") to step up to bat. I'd like to take this moment to point out that, in a shout-out to Super Tuesday, Dobbs bears a disturbing resemblance to George W. Bush. In a shocking and unforeseen plot development, this week on Judging Amy the case in front of the judge involves a custody battle! Dobbs explains that his client, Mr. Axelrod, is seeking full custody of his son because the child's mother, Ms Featherstone, is "a witch." You'd think that Mr. Axelrod would be okay with that, seeing as at over at UC Sunnydale, he works as a scientist associate of the Evil Bitch Monster of Death in a super-secret think tank called the Initiative. The CBS and WB universes must be different. Amy says "A what?" Bruce looks up from his tiny desk in the corner, where he's doing the crossword puzzle, his interest piqued. Axelrod repeats that Ms. Featherstone is "a witch." Featherstone rolls her eyes dramatically. You'd think, considering the fact that she's battling to prove her fitness as a mother, that she'd bother to comb her hair. Amy asks Axelrod to "qualify that statement," at which point Ms. Featherstone protests that he doesn't know what he's talking about. Amy, who, I guess, is still hungry, tells her to shut up. Okay, actually she tells her that because this is just a "show-cause hearing," she'll have plenty of time to present her side of the story. Featherstone gives Axelrod the look of death. Amy surmises that when Axelrod calls Featherstone a witch, that he really means...something else. (If this were on another network, she'd actually say the word "bitch," but, you know, the address is CBS.) Axelrod says no, he means she's actually a witch. When Amy asks Featherstone what, exactly, is going on, Featherstone takes the opportunity to give the "please don't take my baby away, your honor" speech which, it seems, every television show involving trial procedure or the law in general is contractually obligated to include at least twice a month. Bruce rolls his eyes. He needs to work on fostering empathy for others, although if I heard that particular speech as much as he probably doess, I'd probably start running my own little cottage industry from the confines of my desk, making faux flower arrangements from stray subpoenas and unfiled motions, just out of pure boredom. Amy interrupts to ask Featherstone why, exactly, Axelrod thinks she's a witch. Featherstone explains, "Technically speaking, I am a witch." Bruce looks skeptical. Amy looks upset. It looks like another lunch of Doritos and Diet Coke from the vending machine for our presiding judge.