Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | 4 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT DON'T CALL, DON'T MAKE IT WEIRD
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 4 | Aired on 06.26.2012
Emily spots Melissa coming home -- again, girlfriend has it on lock this week -- and they rush around, making a huge fucking mess and spilling crap everywhere (Hanna again, duh again) until the last second.
Hip to the stalkery ways of being a Mystic Falls Founding Family, Melissa notes a book awry, and immediately heads to her closet to investigate something or another. Does she catch the pile of Liars? No, she's just grabbing her wallet. That was so scary!
Once she's gone, they find a zippered dress bag! But it is empty! But it has blue and black feathers! BLACK SWAN! I am legitimately surprised by this development!
AFTERS
Aria: "See, Hanna found a matching feather at the place."
Hanna: "If the feather fits..."
Aria: "I can't believe an entire episode about feathers has nothing to do with me. That is some motherfucking bait and switch right there. Well-played."
Hanna: "So anyway, your sister is after all of us. You know how she's totally scary even if she's uninvolved in all of this? Monumentally so. And now add the A-Team thing to that."
Spencer: "Then we'll get Emily after work and go bother Melissa some more. If only to prove you guys wrong, because at the end of the day I truly do love my bitch sister."
HASTINGS
Melissa: "Hey, wanna stand there while I wave this giant knife in your face?"
Spencer: "Yeah, that sounds about right. Why aren't you in Philadelphia?"
Melissa: "Mom and I have a meeting about how we're teamed up against you and Jason."
Spencer: "As long as you're going to engage that knife in cryptically julienning vegetables -- nice nod to your babydaddy, there -- I have something to ask you. How come you were dressed as the Black Swan at that Masquerade Ball?"
It's so sad because she's on the verge of tears, first because what if her worst nightmare that she always backs away from turns out to be true, but also because she did not rehearse doing this without her Pretty Little Backup, and Melissa is legitimately terrifying even when she's just hanging around being glamorous, or drinking your milk, or ganking your yogurt.
Melissa: Chop chop chop.
Spencer: "And while we're on the subject of your total lies all the time, how come you didn't have a miscarriage when you said you did?"
Melissa: Cry cry cry.
Spencer: "What are you, chopping onions? What's this mess?"