Episode Report Card Lady Lola: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Age Before Beauty
By Lady Lola | Season 4 | Episode 10 | Aired on 01.14.2010
The next day, Lemon is cocky from her victory the night before. Danny asks about a Grizzly Adams sketch, and Lemon falls far short of discreet while stroking his lumberjack outfit. Jack tells her he's taking Danny back, but Lemon is strutting like a peacock. She rubs it in his face that he always has Lutz to fall back on. Cut to Lutz screaming like a woman as he bobbles a hot bagel fresh from the toaster, finally dropping it as a dejected look spreads across his face.
Lemon heads into Jenna's dressing room, where she finds the MIT (Madonna-in-Training) Scotch taping her face and belting -- as best she can with Scotch tape restricting her face -- the '80s hit "Forever Young." Doesn't that date her a bit? Lemon decides to stage an age-tervention. She rips a strip of tape from Jenna's face and tells her she'll never be happy until she lets herself be who she really is. Jenna says Lemon doesn't understand how hard she's worked to hide her flaws and failings from the world. Lemon says she has her own secrets. She offers an exchange: If Jenna admits her real age, Lemon will reveal her "friend Tom," whom she's been hiding for 20 years. Jenna is simultaneously aghast and touched at the gesture. They strike a deal as Lemon strips the last piece of tape from Jenna's face.
Around 48 hours later, we see Lemon's back as she walks through the corridor. As she passes, cast, crew and Pages alike toss her an array of horrified faces. Finally she reaches Jenna and Frank. Lemon turns around to introduce the world to Tom... Tom Selleck, her moustache. Jenna thanks Lemon for this selfless act, noting, "It's funny, all of my 'a ha' moments end with a moustache pressed against me."
Tracy's dressing room. Sue returns from a real bender, possibly with roofies and date rape involved. Yuks all around! Tracy takes her for a sit-down and tells her in his best fatherly tone that all he wants is to protect her and possibly pass her on to a nice man. On cue, moustached Lemon swings by to take Sue back to the writers' room from whence she came. Teary-eyed Tracy gives Sue away like she's a blushing bride as a montage of their best (only) moments together plays over "Forever Young." Tracy crumples on the couch and wonders if he can go through this all over again with his real daughter. Kenneth says he thinks he will.
Out in the corridor, Jack corners Danny to tell him he knows about his affair with Lemon. Seeing that Danny isn't at all contrite, Jack pulls out the big guns. He lies through his teeth that Danny must end the relationship because he, Jack, is actually in love with Lemon. He talks about how he has loved Lemon from the moment he laid eyes on her, how he "ache[s] for her sexually" -- her mud-colored eyes, hyena-like laugh, her splay-footed walk, etc. It goes without saying Lemon is in the background doing everything possible to prove how unsexy she is and make it that much harder for Jack to contrive things he could possibly love about her. As he reaches the climax of his distant serenade, he and Danny both get a glimpse of Tom Selleck. Jack must turn aside and gasp, "Good God, Lemon!" But Danny doesn't notice. He takes Jack's words at face value and promises to end things with Lemon, stat. I'm sure Tom had absolutely no bearing on that decision at all...