Episode Report Card M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Crushed Velvet
By M. Giant | Season 6 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.13.2007
At 6:36:52, a white suburban couple watch a report about a mosque in Culver City that's just been firebombed. It's local news and not Fox, as you can tell by the station's call letters in the corner and the non-celebratory tone of the reporter. Here's the thing about this couple: I heard that both Jennifer Aniston and Ben Stiller asked to be on 24 this season, but were turned down by the producer because they were "too recognizable" and would "take viewers out of the reality." Which of course means they are "more famous than Kiefer." But I like to imagine this couple being played by Stiller and Aniston anyway, if only because the way their story plays out might result in a more satisfying alternate ending to Along Came Polly. Except we get H!ITGs Raphaeal Sbarge and Megan Gallagher instead, so we have to use our imaginations. The couple debates as to whether they should send their son to school today, with the dad on the "it's not safe" side and mom on the "let's keep living our lives" side. The discussion is interrupted by the arrival of said son, Scott, who like almost every other teenager on this show is allergic to haircuts. Apparently, he stopped off across the street for a little help in math from their neighbor Ahmed. You suppose that Ahmed's ethnicity might come into play...?
In fact, it does so immediately, as Scott announces that the FBI showed up to arrest Ahmed's dad. The whole family goes to the window in time to see Ahmed's dad frogmarched to an unmarked car by a group of unmarked agents, while Ahmed himself -- a tall "teen" who I think is about thirty -- loudly protests his dad's innocence. Also witnessing the scene from down the street are a couple of squinty-eyed redneck types. Ahmed notices their glaring in time for his indignation to be overruled by his sense of self-preservation, and he quickly retreats back into his house. The family watches as the two dudes storm up Ahmed's sidewalk and start banging angrily on his front door. "We just want to talk to you!" one yells. "Why don't you get the hell out of my neighborhood!" Okay! Good talk! But they're still not leaving. Mom identifies the speaker as Stan, a contractor from down the street, inviting a whole slew of angry letters to the show from the contractor-American community. Dad goes to call the police, but Scott heads for the front door, speechifying, "I'm not hiding here while Ahmed gets beat up because you're scared to do the right thing." This remark should really get Scott beat up as well, but instead Dad resolves to head over there himself. Once he's out the front door, his family is still free to call the police themselves. Which is why it's kind of funny when Mom takes the kid by the hand and leads the kid over to the front window so that they can just stand there and watch Dad get curbstomped instead.