Episode Report Card Joe R: A+ | 238 USERS: B- YOU GRADE IT Lude Awakening
By Joe R | Season 1 | Episode 5 | Aired on 2005.09.05
Botwins'. Doug and Andy are getting high, watching porn, and fiercely debating the proper terminology for the strip of flesh that runs between one's asshole and one's balls. Doug says "runway." Andy says "taint." What, no votes for "spaba"? It's not a preferred term, but it beats "runway," Doug. Finally, in comes Lupita, and Andy asks for a tiebreaker: "What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?" Lupita considers it for a moment, then gestures to the furniture in between Andy and Doug: "The coffee table."
Heylia's, which this time is prefaced by several establishing shots of rough-and-tumble ghetto exteriors, people drinking and smoking and thuggishly leaning on fences. We'll find out why in a second. Inside, Nancy is animatedly describing the Hodes' Diet Coke carpet bombing, saying it's not as innocuous as it sounds -- dropped from that kind of height, those bottles are like "little torpedoes." Heylia scoffs that "that white lady gonna make out like Haliburton." Vaneeta asks how much she owes Nancy for the clothes, but Nancy grins ear-to-ear and says they're a gift. Vaneeta objects to being made into a charity case, but Conrad calls her out for accepting free cheese down at the church. Vaneeta says Heylia makes her go. Heylia says she doesn't make her do shit, and furthermore, don't act like you're too proud for free shit. "If it's free, it's me," Heylia sums up. "And don't act like you don't like free cheese just because this white lady's standing here. Fuck her." "Yeah, fuck me," deadpans Nancy. Conrad has her take a whiff of this Clark Kent weed he's got for her, which he says will make you want to rip off your clothes and start fighting crime." Talk then turns to how, with this payment, Nancy's getting her Range Rover back, which in turn leads Nancy to stammeringly explain how she dropped something on Conrad's car today, but before Conrad can finish reading her the riot act, some car drives by the house and starts shooting up the place. Everyone hits the floor except for Nancy, who's frozen. Conrad has to drag her down before she gets shot. The car speeds away as Heylia, Conrad, and Vaneeta pop up brandishing guns, which...were they underneath the table? Heylia was hiding a shotgun in her bra? Anyway, everyone kind of dusts themselves off and get back to business except Nancy, who can barely move she's in so much shock (Heylia offers to slap her). Conrad starts to give her more shit about the car, but Heylia yells that she's just had her shooting cherry broken and to give her the keys. Nancy kind of staggers on out and Heylia sums it all up for us: "White folks get soda pop, niggas get bullets." Truly, the man who invents a bullet with a fizzy cola center will be the man to bring racial harmony to all.