Episode Report Card Keckler: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Jane's Addiction
By Keckler | Season 3 | Episode 19 | Aired on 04.20.2004
Some of the Xindi of the Round Table consult with a metallic-voiced alien, who seems to be having trouble with her antenna as she keeps fading in and out of view. She's pretty much the Borg Queen with a slightly less grey complexion. Or Odo. Or that thing at the end of "The Chase" who looked suspiciously like Odo. Whatever. It turns out she's the one who gave Snake Eyes the capability to time-travel to Detroit to concoct a bio-weapon. She argues that she did it to hold the Xindi of the Round Table together. I'm SO not interested in Xindi politics -- get ON with it! Borgish Queen reminds us that the three Snake Eyes that built the weapon were never found. Degra wants to know if it's true that her species built the spheres. Borgish Queen gets all affronted at this line of questioning and tells them their task is to destroy the humans. After ordering them not to summon her again without the entire Round Table present, Borgish Queen orbs out. Degra and the other Mr. Man argue whether they should trust Quantum over her. Bleh -- bored.
Situation Room. The senior officers plan the attack on the Stingy Ship. Trip reports that they can't just beam the coil out -- he has to uncouple it by hand first. T'Pol wants to negotiate. Quantum doesn't. They set a course. T'Pol wants a word. Quantum doesn't. She follows him anyway. They argue. T'Pol says they're no different from the marauders who attacked them when they first entered The Expanse. Quantum slams his door. Hee -- the effect is lessened with the excessive tugging needed to achieve the slam. "We're a lot different," he insists. "We could be condemning them to death!" T'Pol quavers. Quantum shoves an e-pad in her face and says they are going to be leaving a supply of Trellium-D along with some food. Oh, see, that's why T'Pol doesn't want them to do this -- it will cut into her stash! More arguing. Finally, Quantum says, "We can debate this all day -- I've made my decision." "'We can't save humanity without holding onto what makes us human,'" T'Pol quotes back to Quantum. I can't BELIEVE she's throwing that Havarti back in his face! That's awesome! Quantum's well-aware of his cheese-colored glasses, and says he's not going to make a habit of flying the Jolly Roger. "Once you rationalize the first misstep, it's easy to fall into a pattern of behavior," T'Pol insists. The Spamming Anvil send another doozy into my inbox: "SHE HAS A PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR TOO! PENIS ENLARGEMENT ATTACHED." Wait, those were two separate spams. Quantum says they don't have a choice. "I WON'T LET YOU DO IT!" T'Pol screams, and slams the e-pad on Quantum's desk. It shatters in slow motion. That's 7 of 9 years of bad luck. "We've had our share of disagreements, but you've never taken it out on my desk before," Quantum says mildly. T'Pol apologizes. "What's happening to you?" Quantum wonders. T'Pol looks tearful, as though she might confess her CRACK WHOREDOM to Quantum, but she looks down and says it's been a difficult few days and she hasn't had time to meditate. "Maybe you should make the time," Quantum says. Like, when, Capt. Buttmunch? When you're off being a pirate, leaving her to mind the Bridge? T'Pol says she didn't mean what she said. Quantum's glad to hear it, and says he's going to be leading the boarding party: "There's no margin for error [he grips her shoulders] -- if we don't do this right, people are going to die." He needs her on the Bridge. T'Pol gets it.
Sickbay. A woman with a severely burned face lies in a bed, looking remarkably like Jeri Ryan. T'Pol tries to get Phlox's attention. He tells her he'll be with her in a minute, but she grabs his arm and gasps. That gets his attention. Phlox scans her and wants to know how long she's been a CRACK WHORE. Three months. And it's not for any logical reason as one might assume -- like attempting to immunize herself against Trellium-D, so the hull could be fortified with it, or relief from her Pa'nar Syndrome symptoms -- oh no, it's much, much stupider! After her first exposure to the Trellium, she discovered that it made her emotional and she wanted to EXPLORE THOSE EMOTIONS! If I were Blalock, I'd be pissed that I was being made to play the exact same character as Braga's Semi-Borgmade girlfriend. T'Pol explains her After School Special: she started small, got addicted, kept going, can't stop. Brain kills Trellium cells. "Do you think this episode counts towards UPN's PSA money?" the Evil Dr. Mathra asks. T'Pol goes on that her interactions with the crew improved. "Commander Tucker, for example," Phlox points out. Ahem. T'Pol realizes she was addicted two days ago when she became agitated, had wet dreams, and nearly died when she raided the canisters in the cargo bay. Phlox gives her an injection that will stabilize her neural pathways, and adds, "But the withdrawal symptoms will return in a few days. It's going to take some time." "I understand," T'Pol says. "Now, here's the soundtrack from Trainspotting, there's a great Lou Reed track on it, " the Evil Dr. Mathra pipes up. Quantum comm-orders T'Pol to the Bridge. Phlox thinks she should stay there for observation. "I have to go, the Captain needs me," T'Pol whines. "I expect you to report back here at the first sign of trouble," Phlox orders. T'Pol leaves after asking about doctor-patient confidentiality. "This is between you and your doctor," Phlox promises. And all the crew in Sickbay, who are just pretending to be asleep or maimed.