Episode Report Card Gustave: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Sliced Jalapeno
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 9 | Aired on 01.21.2002
Back at The Stable Of Sensuality, Bride finally emerges from the other room. What was that? Five minutes? Eli emerges, stares down Spawn, and exits the stable completely. Spawn hugs her mom and makes the first of a lifetime of apologies that she clearly owes her. Bride shrugs off Spawn's concern and tries to calm her down. "We are going to be a family again," says Bride. "You and me and Kiefer are going to have our lives back. This is not going to be a part of that life!" "You're not going to tell dad?" asks Spawn. Dear Ann Landers, Should I tell my husband about an infidelity I committed? In my defense, it was during a kidnapping so technically it was rape… Bride doesn't answer her. Instead, she checks to see that Eli is truly gone, then pulls Eli's cell phone out of her pants. Go, Bride! She calls CTU. Nina answers, but Bride has to hang up before she can say anything useful because FuManchuTerrorMinion has entered The Stable Of Sensuality. Thankfully, FuManchuTerrorMinion is not there to rape either of the Kieferettes. He's just storing some large boxes inside the prison/softcore porn studio/storage unit. Nina tries to *69 Bride, but the line is blocked. Bride manages to fit the phone back into her pants without making FuManchuTerrorMinion suspicious. All I can say is, thank God cell phones are so small today because this scene could have had some majorly inappropriate slapstick going on if this was happening five years ago.
Palmer Headquarters. Theo enters. They do that thing with the lighting and the kreepy music to make his entrance seem really ominous and konfrontational. Palmer sees him and is all, "Where'd you go?" Theo, who is all not-ominous all of a sudden, says that he just "went out," and notes that Palmer still hasn't gone to the press with the story. Palmer affirms that he will come clean shortly and that it's all for the best. "I talked to my lawyer," says Palmer. "And he's got his best people working on it." Theo is all, whatever, and walks off. Poor Man's Hume Cronyn enters. Palmer reminds him that Reporter Maureen is breaking the Theo story in a few minutes and they should have a statement prepared. PMHC is all, "Forget about it, she's going to sit on the story for now." Palmer wants to know why she's postponing the story and asks an entering Lady Mac if she knows anything about this. Lady Mac feigns ignorance, but Palmer vows to get to the bottom of everything. Because it's not like he has to run for president or anything. I mean, the man's got loads of free time to look a gift horse in the mouth, right?
Hey, I think it's time we got to know a little bit more about Kiefer's new friend, Lauren Brockovich! Don't you? I mean, before long she'll die or lose track of Kiefer and we'll all be wondering what was up, so let's get up close and personal with Hostage Spice while that's still an option, a-i-i-i-i-ght? Ironically, Lauren works at "Gables Coffee Shop on Ventura, the home of the $3.99 all-day breakfast." Was that ironic enough for you? Palmer's Food-Free Breakfast vs. breakfast served twenty-four hours a day? There's a theme here. Furthermore, like Kiefer, Lauren is no stranger to making tough decisions. Her marriage was ruined when she chose to take care of her sister over her husband's objections. Oh, and this is Lauren's first DUI…in a couple of years. She's not an alcoholic, she just has bad luck. Kiefer apologizes for getting her involved in "all of this." He falls asleep sorta and reminisces about his military days -- which apparently weren't half as scary as the day he's having now. Lauren tries to make a run for it, but Kiefer is too hypervigilant for her and stops her with his gun. The time is 8:48:49 AM.