Episode Report Card Gustave: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT In the back seat
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 11 | Aired on 02.11.2002
The time is 10:17:29 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Bride and Spawn hold each other tenderly, Cofell holds onto the contents of his bowels, and Empress Alberta holds her head high while consulting with Soul Patch. Kiefer enters the backseat of Cofell's limo and begins the interrogation. Does he know Flee-er from Kiefer? No. Does he know Alan York? No. Does he know anything about the Palmer assassination? No. "Your hands are sweating," says Kiefer. "That's because I long to place them all over your body and bring us both to new heights of pleasure," says Cofell. Oh wait, that wasn't Cofell; that was a bunch of living rooms across America. And that's not sweat on their hands, either. Cofell claims to be sweating because he's nervous about the whole limo-driver-flipping-out-and-interrogating-him-about-a-kidnapping-he-knows-nothing-about thing. Whatever! Kiefer kalls Nina to have her run a background check on Kevin Carroll, the alleged tools salesman that Cofell is meeting at the parking garage. While they wait for Nina's return call, Kiefer removes a towel and a plastic bottle from a compartment. Oh, I know people who pay good money for this too. Role-playing, exotic massage, it's all lucrative. Just put an ad in the classifieds section of the New York Observer and watch your phone ring off the hook. Are you listening, Po Ho? Oh wait, Kiefer is using the towel as an instrument of torture -- and not the "fun" kind of torture, either. He warns Cofell that he's going to "shove the towel down [his] throat" and take out his stomach lining -- something that's done all the time in gulag detention camps. Okay, maybe the New York Observer isn't the best place to advertise this service, but I still maintain that there's a market for it. "What kind of a man are you?" winces Cofell. "I don't want to hurt you," says Kiefer hypnotically and tenderly. "But I will do everything that I have to in order to protect my family." Cofell shows Kiefer a picture in his wallet of his own family -- a wife and two children -- and counters that he has a family too and that he'll do anything to see them again as well. "Believe me," says Cofell, "if I knew something that would help you, I'd tell you." Kiefer makes an ambiguous facial expression. Is Kiefer in a kwandary?
The time is 10:20:59 AM. A Mercedes SUV enters the TerrorKompound. Gaines nervously approaches the TerrorGate to welcome his new guest. Drazen, a.k.a. ForeignAccentedTerrorBoss, asks Gaines if they've found Kiefer yet. Gaines admits that they haven't. "For an American operation, we thought we needed an American crew," says ForeignAccentedTerrorBoss. "Perhaps we undervalued our capabilities." Hey, Drazen? Step off the U.S.A.! Our terrorists are awesome! And way cuter! Nevertheless, FATB announces that he's pulling the plug on Gaines's operation. "You're just going to kwit?" challenges Gaines. Oh, Gaines, don't you know that the whole "winners never kwit, kwitters never win" strategy only works on other Americans? And since Vietnam, not even all that much anymore. Nevertheless, FATB isn't kwitting. He's got a kontingency plan. "You never said anything about a kontingency plan," says Gaines. "It doesn't involve you," says FATB. Okay, FATB? I don't know how things are done in Eastern Europe, but in America, if you want to fire someone, you make damn sure that they no longer have access to you or your stuff once they've gotten their pink slip. What do you think the Weinsteins did after they shut Talk down? Had Tina Brown over for a slumber party? "Hello, is Graydon Carter there? Is your refrigerator running? Bwa ha ha!" People who live in capitalist countries get pissed off when they lose their jobs, and it's never pretty. And it's not like people are more civilized and understanding if the company is outside the law to begin with.