Episode Report Card Keckler: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bad Moon Risan
By Keckler | Season 1 | Episode 25 | Aired on 05.14.2002
Sh'pod. Quantum asks the crew in his shuttle -- which just happens to be May-Wonder-What-The-Hell-Kind-Of-Regurgitated-Structure-Shirt-That-Is, Trip, Reed, and Hoshi -- what big plans they have. Mayweather bores us all by saying he's going rock-climbing at a place where the rock face changes while you climb it. Sounds perfectly safe to me, with no chance of jagged, bloody lacerations or major head trauma. Quantum turns to Reed, who's clad in a slickery red shirt that reminds me of tent material; Reed tells him, "Well, supposedly, Risa's very cosmopolitan. There are species visiting from all over." He manages to deliver that simple sentence in such a way that I was forcing to go take a shower and use my industrial-strength Clinique sloughing stuff to get it off me. Trip joins in the leer-fest: "Malcolm and I plan to, uh, broaden our cultural horizons." Hoshi asks if that's all they ever think about. "Well, how we choose to relax is our own business," Trip says, and he and Reed go off into gales of sniggers. Having already told Mayweather to "watch [him]self," Big Daddy Quantum tells Sister Woman Reed and Bubba Trip to "watch [them]selves, too." Without prompting, Hoshi brown-noses that she plans on using her time constructively to learn new languages, because she's slacking off on the ship by letting the UT have all the fun. To Rostov asking, "Isn't that what it's for?" Hoshi says, "Not this time. I left my translator on Enterprise." Trip reminds her that she only has two days, "If you want to waste your time talkin' to people." Reed sniggers again. Look, we get that you'd rather hump than talk, Jerky Boys, so just cheese it now, okay? I really think T'Pol should have done a birth control cross-check before they left Enterprise. Hoshi rolls her eyes in amusement, and Mayweather asks Quantum what he's doing. Quantum takes off his martyr t-shirt to reveal his "Holier Than Thou" tattoo and tells them that he's "never been much for vacations," but he's got a villa on the ocean and he and Porthos are going to relax. I think if Porthos were any more relaxed he'd be dead. I mean, cooped up in a cabin day in, day out, all he does is relax. I think a good owner would know that Porthos is going to want to go exploring. Specifically, alien-tree-and-fire-hydrant exploring.
Sick Bay. Ensign Scrunchie Face reprises her role as Phlox's Girl Friday as she prepares a hypospray of something. T'Pol, arms crossed, butt cheeks pouting, asks, "How long will this last?" Phlox says he requires six days a year for hibernation, but he thinks two days will be more than enough. Ensign Scrunchie Face expositions that she's adjusted the dosage to rouse Phlox in precisely forty-eight hours. Because we know there's no way he's going to be needed before then to attend to a jagged, bloody laceration or a major head trauma, right? T'Pol wants to know what they do if anyone is taken ill while he's making use of his BreatheRight strips, and Phlox tells her that Scrunchie Face is a "capable medic." Ah, the words of love. "I know where the bandages are," Scrunchie Face snarks. Phlox reminds the Sub-Commander that she can always wake him up in the event of a real emergency. But that would never, ever happen. No way. No how. Phlox reiterates, "But please, only if it's an emergency, hmm?" He nods at Scrunchie Face, who hyposprays his neck. Phlox gets this placid, drugged look on his face and paraphrases Pepys, saying, "Well, to bed." Phlox walks out, and T'Pol wishes him pleasant dreams. I think they should wait a few hours and then stick his hand in warm water to see what happens. Seriously -- it could be an exo-physiology experiment.