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Wacky hijinks ensue when Quantum, Hoshi, Mayweather, Trip, and Reed take shore leave on the seductive planet of Risa. Trip and Reed play out scenes from Another Night at the Roxbury, while Hoshi gets language lessons. And I do mean those kind of language lessons as well as the real ones. Quantum dons a tight shirt and uses Porthos to get a date. Back on the ship, Phlox goes into deep hibernation, but has to be roused when May-waterfall spazes out, injures himself, and is evac'd back to the ship. T'Pol has a little trouble with rigor mortis of the jaw in the beginning, but gets over it so she and and Ensign Scrunchie Face can stand around making clucking noises around the disoriented Phlox and the anaphylactic shocked May-wounded. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Quantum sits like a bump on a log and talks about how they've finally reached Risa and that "with any luck" this will be his last entry for two days. He doesn't keep a diary going when he's on vacation? That's when I write some of my juiciest stuff. Then again, we're talking about Lord Boring here. Porthos barks excitedly as Quantum and T'Pol haul brass down the corridor, and Quantum feels the need to give T'Pol all sorts of unnecessary last-minute-control-freakish instructions, because he's convinced the ship cannot function without him. T'Pol does a lot of lock-jawing in this scene and insists that things will be okay. Quantum puts on his souvenir martyr t-shirt reading, "I bore a cross and all I got was this lousy tee-shirt," and whines, "This doesn't feel right." "My thong is supposed to fit that way," T'Pol tells him. Well, it's possible she doesn't, but I really don't want to listen to Quantum whinging that he shouldn't be going down to "some pleasure planet" when half the crew has to stay aboard. T'Pol reminds him that they all drew Expositional Lots, and he had as much chance as everyone else. Quantum argues, "All the same, the crew should come first." "Captain, you need a vacation," T'Pol says, sternly. She just wants to be able to perch on his chair and imitate his John Wayne swagger on the bridge for two days straight. I hear she sold tickets for the show to all the malcontents who had to stay aboard. The turbolift arrives. T'Pol and Porthos get on and stare Quantum down. Porthos whimpers a bit, and Quantum relents and decides to go to Risa for the good of his dog. Ugh -- I cannot get over how much he gets up my nose when he tries to act all self-sacrificing! I want the finest Post Road Pumpkin Ale available to humanity. I want it here and I want it now!
Shuttle Bay. Uniformed and civvied crew members mill around, babbling excitedly. Hoshi, her hair down, her shoulders bared in a red sundress, tells Quantum she's glad he "decided to take some time off." Quantum assures her he "wouldn't miss it," under T'Pol's raised eyebrow. Rostov asks his captain if he wants "to take the helm," but Quantum snorts that he's on vacation, and thrusts his water polo bag at him. T'Pol calls after them to "enjoy [them]selves," and Trip tells her he'll bring back a souvenir for her. I think her souvenir should be him burning that gawd-awful shirt on the planet and bringing back the ashes in a jar.
I wonder if acupuncture would take the pain of this song away.
Sh'pod. Quantum asks the crew in his shuttle -- which just happens to be May-Wonder-What-The-Hell-Kind-Of-Regurgitated-Structure-Shirt-That-Is, Trip, Reed, and Hoshi -- what big plans they have. Mayweather bores us all by saying he's going rock-climbing at a place where the rock face changes while you climb it. Sounds perfectly safe to me, with no chance of jagged, bloody lacerations or major head trauma. Quantum turns to Reed, who's clad in a slickery red shirt that reminds me of tent material; Reed tells him, "Well, supposedly, Risa's very cosmopolitan. There are species visiting from all over." He manages to deliver that simple sentence in such a way that I was forcing to go take a shower and use my industrial-strength Clinique sloughing stuff to get it off me. Trip joins in the leer-fest: "Malcolm and I plan to, uh, broaden our cultural horizons." Hoshi asks if that's all they ever think about. "Well, how we choose to relax is our own business," Trip says, and he and Reed go off into gales of sniggers. Having already told Mayweather to "watch [him]self," Big Daddy Quantum tells Sister Woman Reed and Bubba Trip to "watch [them]selves, too." Without prompting, Hoshi brown-noses that she plans on using her time constructively to learn new languages, because she's slacking off on the ship by letting the UT have all the fun. To Rostov asking, "Isn't that what it's for?" Hoshi says, "Not this time. I left my translator on Enterprise." Trip reminds her that she only has two days, "If you want to waste your time talkin' to people." Reed sniggers again. Look, we get that you'd rather hump than talk, Jerky Boys, so just cheese it now, okay? I really think T'Pol should have done a birth control cross-check before they left Enterprise. Hoshi rolls her eyes in amusement, and Mayweather asks Quantum what he's doing. Quantum takes off his martyr t-shirt to reveal his "Holier Than Thou" tattoo and tells them that he's "never been much for vacations," but he's got a villa on the ocean and he and Porthos are going to relax. I think if Porthos were any more relaxed he'd be dead. I mean, cooped up in a cabin day in, day out, all he does is relax. I think a good owner would know that Porthos is going to want to go exploring. Specifically, alien-tree-and-fire-hydrant exploring.
Sick Bay. Ensign Scrunchie Face reprises her role as Phlox's Girl Friday as she prepares a hypospray of something. T'Pol, arms crossed, butt cheeks pouting, asks, "How long will this last?" Phlox says he requires six days a year for hibernation, but he thinks two days will be more than enough. Ensign Scrunchie Face expositions that she's adjusted the dosage to rouse Phlox in precisely forty-eight hours. Because we know there's no way he's going to be needed before then to attend to a jagged, bloody laceration or a major head trauma, right? T'Pol wants to know what they do if anyone is taken ill while he's making use of his BreatheRight strips, and Phlox tells her that Scrunchie Face is a "capable medic." Ah, the words of love. "I know where the bandages are," Scrunchie Face snarks. Phlox reminds the Sub-Commander that she can always wake him up in the event of a real emergency. But that would never, ever happen. No way. No how. Phlox reiterates, "But please, only if it's an emergency, hmm?" He nods at Scrunchie Face, who hyposprays his neck. Phlox gets this placid, drugged look on his face and paraphrases Pepys, saying, "Well, to bed." Phlox walks out, and T'Pol wishes him pleasant dreams. I think they should wait a few hours and then stick his hand in warm water to see what happens. Seriously -- it could be an exo-physiology experiment.
Risa. The temperature: perfect; the pollen count: non-existent; the UV index: not discovered yet. Quantum's Fortress of Solitude looks out at an aquamarine bay with sugar beaches. Some picturesque rocky grottos and soothing waterfalls manage to work their way in there too. Quantum slides a door open and walks into his villa. There's a Risan fertility goddess nailed -- yes, nailed -- to the wall. Quantum pushes a dot on the fertility goddess's head, and the door slides closed behind him. Quantum looks around at the Pottery Barn-decorated place and notes something on the glass table. He picks up a card, which reads, in wedding-invitation-style calligraphy, "To help you relax, T'Pol." Opening the box, Quantum finds a large and luridly red copy of The Teachings of Surak. "Is that like the Vulcan Leaves of Grass?" Mathra sniggers. You know, there's been a lot of sniggering going on in this episode, and I think it really needs to stop. Quantum walks out onto his deck and regards the view. He hears an annoying un-Porthos-like yipping and looks around. He sees some small fuzz-ball of a dog getting beside herself on a deck below his, and a lady -- in a swimsuit and a diaphanous thing around her waist that came straight from the SuperStar Barbie ensemble -- comes out and removes the Yip Factor. She asks what the thing is yipping at and sees Quantum, who sort of nods at her. She sort of doesn't nod back, and sashays back into her villa.
Risa's answer to Señor Frogs is getting techno with the music as various provocatively-dressed creatures prance around. Trip -- wearing a Shaft knock-off white suit with a blue shirt -- sucks in his cheeks and bobs his head white-boy-like to the music. to him, Reed is tricked out in what every desperate-for-alien-sex human on Risa is wearing this season -- a slate-blue silk shantung ensemble with a Nehru collar -- and is acting all "pretty little thing, let me light your candle, 'cuz mama I'm so hard to handle now." I'm not convinced that men should wear silk shantung, ever. Trip nudges Reed mid-gape and points at something. "What about that one?" Trip asks, sticking his tongue against his cheek and nodding. Reed, intent on killing all adoration I ever had for him, gasps and says out of the corner of his mouth, "Now I know you've been cooped up on a starship for too long!" They both do way too much nudging and tongue-rolling for my stomach. I think a nice long sip of Rapscallion Premier should settle it down just fine. Trip wants to know what's wrong with the piece of meat he picked out, and Reed tells him he "wouldn't know which eyes to look into." They titter suggestively. Reed gets Trip's attention and says, "Now, she's interesting." Trip takes a long, hard look and says, "I don't think 'she' is the right pronoun." Reed looks askance. "But if you think it's worth the risk," Trip says, wiggling his fingers at whomever they are talking about. He raises his eyebrows and point-points at Reed. Reed whines, "I don't know, maybe I should've brought my scanner with me." A scantily-clad waitress brings them orange drinks with lots of pieces of fruit sticking out of them. "Ooo, thank you," Reed leches after her, as Trip obviously ogles her butt. "Now, that's a she," Trip says. Reed agrees, his tongue thrust against his cheek again. What is up with that? Reed asks what they should drink to. "To us, and to a well-earned two days and two nights," Trip toasts. They clink.
Quantum's Fortress of Solitude. And we see that, in addition to sex, Risa's got two moons and a really fake-looking background. Quantum sits on his balcony and wonders if he needs to let his hair down to catch some Risan on horseback. Porthos lounges on a chair -- have I said how much I love that dog? -- as his master reads and drinks iced tea in a very tight stripey t-shirt. God, he's boring and fashion-blind. Drink some beer or rum -- not only does it make you seem more interesting, but it makes others around you seem less dull as well. I know from what I speak. Quantum leaves to refill his glass, and Porthos snaps his head up at some more yipping going on down below. When Quantum returns to the balcony with his refilled glass and his my-those-are-tight black pants, he finds Porthos growling at the Yip Factor, who looks like a strategically shaved poodle, from downstairs. If it's possible, Porthos is even cuter when he's mad. Quantum tells the two canines, "Stop it, you two!" Surprisingly, they don't listen. Maybe if he says, "That's an order," they will, or perhaps that only really works on a heat-stroked Trip.
Quantum's villa bell rings, and he tells the person to come in. The door rings again, so Quantum picks up the growling Porthos -- okay, that is a dangerous thing to do -- and tight-pantses his way to the door. It's the diaphanous chick from downstairs, come to collect her Yip Factor. Diaphanous Chick -- the tip-off that she's not human is the spackle of alien dots in a halter-top pattern up her shoulders, chest, and neck, which would seem to need more than the usual amount of SPF -- apologizes for her errant dog. Quantum invites her in, and she grabs her dog, saying that she hopes the Yip Factor didn't hurt Porthos. Yeah, right -- that scrawny, yippity thing hurt Porthos? I don't think so. Diaphanous Spackled Alien tells Quantum that her dog's been "cooped up for weeks," and she should've known the Yip Factor would make a break for it the first chance it got. I find it interesting that an alien's dog looks so very much like an Earth dog. The make-up crew should have given it some spots or nose ridges, or something on its tail. Quantum subtexts, "Well, no harm done. She probably just came over to make a friend." Quantum introduces himself, and Diaphanous Alien Chick does the same, saying, "Kayla." Wonder if Patch is just around the corner. What? Aren't there any long-ago Days watchers out there? Remember Eve and Frankie? I thought he was so hot when I was twelve. Right. Recap. Quantum and Kayla small-talk and learn that they are both visiting Risa for the first time, and that Quantum's vacation is not his choice, but the advice of his science officer. Kayla purrs that one should "always listen" to one's science officer. Quantum says, "She'd be the first to agree with you." So, he's on the verge of alien sex, and one of the first things he brings up is T'Pol? I guess that's supposed to Mean Something. Quantum tells Kayla he was just about to go out to dinner, and asks if she can recommend a greasy spoon. Kayla tells him about a boat that sails into the bay, just after sunset. I think he's missed the boat, because it looks way after sunset to me. "You wade out and they serve seafood right off the deck," Kayla explains. I hope it's not Monday, because you should never eat seafood on Monday. Then again, I doubt Anthony Bourdain has gotten out to Risa yet, so maybe it's okay. "Do they have sushi floating by on little boats, as well?" Mathra wants to know. I hope they have a sign up reminding people not to pee in the water. Kayla apologizes for disturbing him. Quantum sees her out and asks, abruptly, if she would like to join him for dinner. "You're not here with your science officer?" Kayla asks. Weirdness. Quantum hastens to correct her misapprehensions. Kayla looks about ready to accept his invitation, then stops herself, saying she "can't tonight." It's probably her molting night. Quantum nods and says, "Just a thought." "Tomorrow?" Kayla offers. Quantum says he looks forward to it. "So do I. Goodnight, Porthos," Kayla says, and leaves. I don't know about you, gentle reader, but I thought Kayla acted kinda snotty and overly reserved. I know she's supposed to be all Mystery Lady Who Lives Downstairs And Has A Yip Factor, but she just came off as bootchy (that's my word combining "snooty" and "bitchy" -- I just made it up and I'm convinced it will catch on).
Risan Restaurant that you don't have to wade out to. Hoshi eats alone, but engages a Risan couple in Risan conversation. They are Risanly pleased with her expert lingual attempts, as most people don't bother to learn their language. All this Risaning attracts the attention of Dracula With Cranial Ridges in the corner, who approaches Hoshi after she finally scares the Risan couple off. Dracula tells Hoshi she's "very adept at languages," and Hoshi tells him it's her job as Communications Officer on a starship. The whole conversation is conducted in Risan. We get subtitles. Hoshi introduces herself, and Dracula says his name is "Ravis." Ravcula sits down and quizzes her some more about her language background. Hoshi says knows forty languages and hasn't yet met a language she couldn't tongue. Hmm -- seems Hoshi's kicking her résumé up a notch for this tall, dark stranger, because on the sh'pod she told Quantum & Co. that she only knew thirty-eight languages. Although Hoshi qualifies that braggadocio by admitting that she had some problems with Klingon conjugation. Ravcula wants to know if she thinks he can learn his language, and Hoshi asks where he's from. Ravcula's mouth spouts some fast guttural sounds. Hoshi asks him to speak slower, but he tells her that speaking slower would change the meaning. Cool -- your parents could never accuse you of talking too fast. She asks him to say the name of his planet again, but Ravcula condescendingly tells her not to feel bad, as some people on his planet still don't know how to speak their own language. Hoshi takes that as challenge and walks right into his between-the-sheets language trap. She asks him to teach her. Ravcula tells her it could take awhile, and asks her to have dinner with him. Yeah, naked dinner.
Fat Tuesday's. Trip and Reed sit at a table with their fruity girly-man drinks. Reed slurs, "That place up the street looked pretty lively." "Well, the Vulcan database said no one leaves this club unhappy," Trip tells him. Reed wants to know how the Vulcans would know from happy, pointing out, "They only mate once every seven years." "That's what they say," Trip leers. Reed wants to know if Trip knows something he doesn't. If this degenerates into another T'Pol's Bum discussion, I'm leaving. "Come on, seven years? I doubt even T'Pol could hold out that long," Trip intimates. It's called "self-control" -- look it up, Horny McLecherson. I'm sure T'Pol perfected being The Master Of Her Domain before you were a glint in the milkman's eye. Reed concedes that T'Pol is "very disciplined" as Trip spots a pair of alien lovelies making their way toward them. What is it with Reed being such a sloppy drunk that he can't hold his sauce? Trip mutters, "Malcolm, bearing one-eight-zero." Reed doesn't catch on. "Behind you," Trip explains patiently. Reed cranes around and catches sight of the chicks. "Anything in that database that could help us get a conversation going?" Reed asks. Trip tells him that if he were there on the Cultural Exchange Program, he should've stuck to Hoshi. Suddenly, the two chicks and their heaving breasts are very much in front of them. Reed and Trip grope to their feet as the girls introduce themselves. Reed and Trip ask them to join them in a drink. "We've been waiting for you to ask," they purr, and sit down. Trip asks what their poison is, and one of them says, "These look good," while she suggestively mauls Reed's fruit. From his drink. They both have those white dots on their foreheads to denote their Risan lineage, and getting a closer look at the Risan dots, they look like they have a black crab drawn on them. The Risan chicks ask where the good ol' boys are from, and Reed tells them they're from Earth. They've never heard of it. Trip says, "We're sort of new to the neighborhood." The Risan chicks say they'll have to ensure that their first trip to Risa is "memorable." Trip and Reed drool copiously. Fasten your seatbelts, boys -- it's going to be a bumpy night.
Quantum's Fortress of Solitude. Quantum plays with a telescope and Rear Windows into the villa door. I wish. He's actually looking at the stars. Does he have ANY other interests? Kayla calls up and wants to know if Quantum's busy with anything other than being the antidote to insomnia. She asks him to show her what he's looking at, and Quantum invites her up. To see his stars. Quantum adjusts his telescope (and I'm not speaking euphemistically), and they do some stargazing, Quantum shows her where Earth is, and I fall asleep in my bottle. When I wake up, I notice that Kayla's sporting a serious Kirk's Alien Lay Of The Week 'Do. What with the sixties hair, Trip and Reed's Miami Vice suits, and the bad pick-up lines all around, I'm beginning to think this is Retro Night and someone forgot to warn me to put on my rubber bracelets and lace gloves. Kayla comments that Quantum "is a long way from home," and Quantum admits that it's the farthest any of his "people" have ever gone. Nobel Laureate that she is, Kayla deduces that Quantum's an explorer. "I wouldn't be surprised if they're naming schools after you on your world," she says. "Kindercare, maybe!" Mathra snorts. Quantum preens at this and finally asks if Kayla can show him where she's from. Kayla tells him she has a really bad sense of direction -- she even got lost in the lobby coming back to the villa this afternoon. Quantum jokes, "Well, I can see how that would happen. I mean, it's at least a hundred meters from here." "And all the villas look the same," Kayla jokes back. "You just gotta notice the subtle differences," Quantum says. "Like the numbers on the doors!" Kayla deduces. "Now you're catching on," Quantum smiles. "Give me a couple of hours, I could have you navigating a starship." And therefore give May-whiz even less to do. Kayla asks Quantum to tell her about all the places he's been, promising, "We'll get to the starship navigation later." Aw, that ain't nothin' but drugstore lovin'.
Studio Y2K. Techno beat; unibrowed aliens walking around with tri-breasted aliens. Trip and Reed chat up their individual Risan babes with their exploits from Enterprise. It seems that they are just coming to the end of their "Shuttlepod One" story; Trip recounts the brilliant conclusion, and Reed slurs that it was his idea to light their butts on fire. "Why don'sh yous tell'em abouts the time you saved Enterprise, in your underwears," Reed garbles. Heh. Trip turns to his chick and tells her that he saved the Captain's life. "I thought you were the Captain," Reed's chick says. "We rotate," Trip says, nonchalantly. "He's the captain week." Shout-out. Reed nods and does a weird and clumsy two-fingered salute. Trip's chick wants to know if they've visited the subterranean gardens yet. Since they haven't gotten lucky yet, which means they haven't left this bar, the two Wild And Crazy Guys have to answer in the negative. "All the plants that grow there are luminescent," Reed's chick says. Plants are simply tarts -- prostitutes for the bees! Trip says, "Mebbe yew could show us." The chicks get up and invite them to follow, which they do because they both have the IQ of a backwards clam. Quick tally: anyone else getting that dum-dum-DUM! feeling? The chicks lead them into the club's wine cellar, explaining that the gardens "are very secluded." They get downstairs, and one of the chicks asks how much starship captains make. Reed and Trip are stymied. "What kind of valuables do you have?" Reed's chick rephrases. The Frat Boys finally catch on, and as Reed scuffs at the ground, Trip says he thinks there's been a misunderstanding. The chicks look at each other and morph into really ugly aliens. More effective than a cold shower, that is. Trip and Reed jump and grab at each other. Connor Trinneer's reaction is really quite priceless. In fact, I rewound it several times. Just for that, I think he's growing on me. Conversely, after this episode and all the T'Pol Bum talk, Reed can just take his Pinky Tuscadero L'Oreal lipstick and become a Trappist monk for all I care. Eh, I'll just hand him off to lis. Although I think her love has begun to sicken and decay, as well. Oh, Reed, most choice forsaken, and most lov'd despis'd! Have I mentioned that I'm proofreading the Bartlett's Famous Quotations?
"There's definitely been a misunderstanding," Reed says as he and Trip turn to run upstairs. The aliens grab them, toss them to the floor, and pull phasers on them. I started thinking how weird it is when you compare how similar Trek aliens look to Buffy/Angel demons. They search the disillusioned Horny Boys and find nothing. During the searching process, Trip gasps, "I hope this isn't their mating ritual!" The aliens divine that they could have valuables back in their rooms, but they think that might be too risky and will settle for selling their clothes instead. "Do that! Do that! Sell their clothes!" Mathra bounces on the futon. Trip thinks they can make some kind of a deal with the aliens, but gets them both phasered into unconsciousness for opening his big mouth. Now they're in the soup.
Bridge. T'Pol -- sitting more comfortably in the Captain's chair than I have ever seen her do before, since she usually just perches precariously on the edge -- gets a call from Maywounded that he's been hurt, is in the Risan hospital, and needs someone to come pick him up.
Shuttle Bay. Ensign Scrunchie Face and Rostov help a battered Maywounded out to the sh'pod. His leg is in a plastic splint, and he's telling them that, while the "fun part" is when the rock face changes, it's not so fun when your handholds are likewise changed. You know when your sweat turns white because it's dried and all that's left is salt? Yeah, well, imagine traces of that all over the skin-tight blue climbing unitard that Maywounded seemed to think it a good idea to rig himself up in. As Scrunchie Face scans his leg, T'Pol asks why Maywounded didn't stay in the Risan hospital. "Have you ever been in an alien hospital?" Maywounded asks. "Yes. In San Francisco," T'Pol tells him. Heh. Maywounded said that the Risan hospital had never treated a human before, and that was enough to have given him the jitters. "I wanted my own doctor," Maywounded says. "Where's Phlox?" Scrunchie Face says he's sleeping, and Maywounded gets fraught with entitlement and tells her to wake him up: "He's got a patient!" T'Pol explains that Phlox is hibernating, and Scrunchie Face tells Maywounded that she can handle his broken leg. Rostov reports that Maywounded was having trouble breathing in the sh'pod on the trip up. Scrunchie Face purses her lips and asks if the Risans gave him anything. "Just a hypospray for the pain, why?" Maywounded asks. Scrunchie Face says it's probably nothing, and she and Rostov support him to Sick Bay. Maywounded throws a totally unnecessary glare at T'Pol.
Cellar of Avalon. Trip, stripped down to his Tick Underoos -- the costume department's certainly getting a lot of mileage outta those -- jerks awake with a shout and finds himself lying down and tied up. But not in the way he wanted to be. Reed, also in his Tick Underoos and also tied up, greets him from nearby. "It's another Trip and Reed in a bottle," Mathra groans. Why is Reed wearing a t-shirt while Trip is in a wife-beater? Trip groans, "I don't know if it was those Risan Mai Tais or gettin' shot, but my head's killin' me!" Reed tells him that they've been down there all night and that no one will hear Trip's shouts, because the place is closed. Trip gripes that he doesn't plan on spending the rest of his shore leave tied up with Reed, and struggles with his bonds. Reed says, "The Vulcan database didn't mention anything about crime." Trip gives him a backward glance and admits, "Well, they said it was very rare." Reed's all, "What the hell are you yammering about?" and Trip says, "Well, it had some warnings but I didn't think it would be a problem." Reed's very annoyed, and Trip takes umbrage at the fact that Reed seems to think their situation is all his fault. "You were willing to follow two strange aliens into a basement!" Reed accuses. "Gorgeous aliens! Don't forget they were gorgeous!" Trip orders him. "They were male!" Reed shouts. "Not at first!" Trip shouts back. Heh. Trip comments that it wasn't hard to convince Reed to follow the strange aliens into the basement, but Reed strategically sidesteps that by saying that if they don't make it to the landing pad in time to meet the sh'pod, a search party will be sent out after them. "Do you want the Captain to find us like this?" Reed groans. Trip eyes his bare shoulder, and they both start struggling harder.
Sick Bay. Scrunchie Face scans Maywounded, who says he feels terrible. Scrunchie Face tells him he's having a reaction to the painkiller the Risans gave him, just as T'Pol walks in to check on his status. Scrunchie Face reports, "If his swelling gets any worse, it could begin to constrict his airway." T'Pol says she talked to the Risan hospital, who told her they've never heard of anyone having a reaction like this, but they've never dealt with humans before, either. Maywounded sighs, "I really think we should wake up Doctor Phlox." Scrunchie Face and T'Pol exchange looks.
Risan Restaurant. Ravcula and Hoshi continue with their language lessons. After hearing Ravcula mangle a few more words in his language, Hoshi admits that her tongue is beaten. Ravcula tries to encourage her, telling her she's only been trying for one day, but the waiter brings over a plate of Exposition so Hoshi can point out that Ravcula picked up English in one day. Ravcula admits that English is simpler. Ravcula picks up pieces of fruit, supposedly foreign, and asks Hoshi what she would call them back home. Hoshi tastes the fruit, which look like strawberries and kiwis, and tells him they are like strawberries and kiwis on her planet. They didn't even go out of their way to make the fruit look foreign. Ravcula's expression changes when Hoshi says "kiwi." Hoshi asks him what's up with the extra ridge on his cranium, and Ravcula explains, "In my language kee-hwi is, um…" Hoshi prompts him, but Ravcula admits that he doesn't know the word in English and asks if he can show her instead. Hoshi gives her permission, and he leans over to kiss her lips. Yeah, didn't see that one coming. Not for miles. "Kiss," Hoshi says. "That's called a kiss." Ravcula repeats the word and says, "There's a place I was planning to go today. A steam pool. They say it's very…relaxing. Would you like to go?" "Avec plaisir," Hoshi says. Is French really necessary here? Ravcula doesn't understand her, so Hoshi stands up and offers her hand. Ravcula takes it, and they walk out. Ravcula's wearing some sort of burlappy wraparound skirt over his pants.
Quantum's Fortress of Solitude. Quantum eats. Kayla rings his bell, and Quantum asks her to join him for lunch after Kayla suggests that they take their dogs to the beach. Kayla picks up Quantum's book and asks what it is. "It's a gift from my Science Officer," Quantum says, getting juice for Kayla. "Her people think humans are too controlled by their emotions." Kayla says, "I knew there was a reason why I liked you." Quantum chuckles and says that Kayla knows an awful lot about him, but he knows very little about her, including her dog's name. "It's Rhylo," Kayla says. "I adopted her when she was a puppy. Anything else?" "Everything else," Quantum says. "What's your planet called? What do you do? Do you have a family?" "Hmm, 'do you have a family'? No, I was cloned by the midichlorians," Mathra answers. Kayla tells Quantum that they've been having such a nice time, they shouldn't spoil it. Quantum doesn't know how she could spoil it. "I did have a family," Kayla tells him. "They were abducted by meddling humans, weren't they? WEREN'T THEY?" Mathra screams at the television. "They were killed. My parents, my brother, my husband," Kayla continues. Quantum says he's sorry. "It was our own fault. We'd been warned about the Suliban, we should've gotten out while we had the chance," Kayla says. "Suliban?" Quantum repeats. "You know about them?" Kayla asks. "Yes," Quantum says, smoothing on The Furrowed Brow Of Plot Twists.
Phlox's Quarters. I know I'm not going to do this scene justice, I just know it. But I was actually crying, I was laughing so hard, and it's all due to John Billingsly's superior acting. I was really hoping Phlox did something weird when hibernating, like hang upside-down or something, but no. Phlox's mouth is drooping open, which makes me fear he's going to have nasty sore throat when he wakes up. Crouching by his bed, Scrunchie Face whispers, "I don't know if we should do this." T'Pol says, in a normal voice, "There's no need to whisper, he's in a state of deep hibernation." Scrunchie Face mutters that that's what she's worried about, and hyposprays Phlox. Nothing happens. T'Pol is asking Scrunchie Face if she used the right dosage when suddenly, Phlox sits up and shouts in Denobulan before flopping back down on his pillow, his eyes rolled back. Scrunchie leans over him and says, "Phlox?" "I don't care what it tastes liiike!" Phlox screeches in a really high-pitched voice, and squints his eyes around. T'Pol leans over him and says, flatly, "Wake. Up. Doc. Tor." That made me laugh, too. Phlox recognizes her and squeaks, "Has it been forty-eight hours?" T'Pol answers in the negative. "Then why did you wake me?" Phlox whimpers. T'Pol tells him that they have a medical emergency. "Emergency?" Phlox asks. "Then call the doctor." T'Pol reminds him that he's the doctor. Phlox realizes this, and tries to sit up. "Who's sick?" Phlox asks. "Ensign Mayweather," T'Pol tells him. "Who??" Phlox asks, as Mathra scares the crap out of me by yelling, "SHOUT-OUT!" and commencing with a little dance. T'Pol tells him that Maywounded is their erstwhile helmsman, and Phlox insists that he knows who Maywounded is. He looks under his covers and asks where Maywounded is. Scrunchie Face explains that he's in Sick Bay, and once Phlox realizes that they aren't in Sick Bay, he attempts to lunge out of bed. Scrunchie Face has to duck as his feet swing at her face. "To Sick Bay!" Phlox shouts, and falls flat on his face. "I could use some assistance, please," he squeals. Are they going to have him do this every year? He better do it year -- maybe by popular demand he'll do it more often.
Sick Bay. Maywounded reminds Phlox who he is, and Phlox nods. Scrunchie Face explains Maywounded's reaction to the Risan painkiller. "Incredible!" Phlox says, staring up at Maywounded's scans. "What?" T'Pol asks, a bit alarmed. "I've been standing up for almost five minutes," Phlox wheezes in laughter. Scrunchie Face tries to get Phlox back on track. "Hand me that scanner, Captain," Phlox tells T'Pol, who does a double take. Phlox makes a squealing noise as he gestures impatiently at her; then he looks at the scanner and shakes it a few times, until finally T'Pol turns it on for him. Phlox catches on, does some scans, and says that they'll need Regulan blood worms. "What?!" Maywounded shouts as Scrunchie Face goes to get the worms. "They're excellent at filtering toxins," Phlox explains. Scrunchie Face holds up two tins and asks which container they are in. "No! Fresh ones would be better!" Phlox says, going over to the comm system and ordering the helmsman to plot a course for Regulus at maximum warp. T'Pol tells Phlox she thinks this was a mistake, and urges him to return to his quarters. Scrunchie Face and T'Pol take Phlox's arms and start to escort him out. "I appreciate the offer, but it would be best to keep our relationship professional," Phlox tells her. "Ugh! Let's go, Doctor!" Scrunchie Face says. Phlox wriggles free of them and announces, "I am the Chief Medical Officer on this ship and I am going to treat [pause] Ensign Mayweather! And then I am going back to bed!" Phlox grabs his scanner off Maywounded's chest and smacks it until it turns on.
Quantum's Fortress of Furrowtude. Quantum brandishes a prism-shaped bottle filled with yellow liquid: "This was waiting for me when I checked in. Compliments of the management. I don' t know anything about Risan vintages but what do you say we throw caution to the wind and give it a try?" Kayla says she's game if he is, and Quantum asks how her ankle is. "Mm, it's getting better," she says. "You think that guide would have warned us," Quantum says, pouring out two glasses of wine. "Well, the water was very shallow, I should've watched where I was stepping," Kayla says. "Well, that thing was pretty well camouflaged," Quantum says, handing her a glass. Kayla pauses a second before taking it. Oops! Did he say the wrong thing, or what? Camouflage, Suliban -- talking about killing the mood. Quantum raises the glass and says, "To…Risan sea turtles?" They clink and drink. Kayla puts her glass down, saying, "It's a little sweet for my taste." She sighs dramatically, and Quantum asks her if something is wrong. Kayla gets into the whole "camouflage" mention, saying "they" couldn't be seen unless they moved. Quantum wants to know if there was more than one. "I'm not talking about turtles," Kayla tells him, and proceeds to interrogate him about the Suliban, wanting to know if he saw them and if they hurt anyone he cared about. Quantum dons The Furrowed Brow Of Shared Concern and tells her that they've encountered the Suliban many times, but no one was badly hurt. "And what am I -- chopped liver??" Lt. Daniels shouts from his grave.
Kayla goes on a bit of a rampage, wondering how you fight something you can't see, asking if Quantum knows about the Temporal Cold War, where their Helixes are, what they are planning to do , how many more people are going to die -- an awful lot of pre-coital questions, if you ask me. Quantum says, "Hopefully neither of us will ever run into them again." "You know that isn't true! They keep enlisting more of their people into the -- what do they call it -- Cabal! You must know something about them, Jonathan!" Kayla shrieks, clutching at his arm. Quantum exchanges The Furrowed Brow Of Shared Concern for The Furrowed Brown Of How Do I Get Away From My Psycho Date and says, "I realize that they murdered your family and I'm very sorry for that, but I'm not sure what you want me to tell you." Kayla trembles that most of what she knows of the Suliban has come from rumors, but he has seen them face to face. "I want you to tell me what you know! Where are their Helixes? Where do they live?!" Kayla demands. Quantum looks at her, looks down, looks at her, and says, "If this wine is too sweet, I think there's another bottle here. It might be different." He goes over to the bar area and purposely knocks the cork to the floor. Bending down to get it, he surreptitiously pulls an e-pad out of his bag and sets it on the counter. Kayla continues her tirade and says he's the first person she's met in over a year who has had any contact with them. "All right," Quantum concedes, "I don't know much, but I'll tell you what I can." He pauses and says he could use some fresh air, and suggests a walk on the beach. Kayla rises from the couch and whispers, "Thank you." Quantum suggests she go get a sweater "or something" as it's kinda nipply outside. Kayla leaves. Quantum waits for her to close the door before grabbing his communicator and telling T'Pol he's transmitting a bio-scan to her and wants the results immediately. "I think you'll find a match," Quantum says. "You don't sound very relaxed, Captain," T'Pol observes from Sick Bay. "Quickly, please!" Quantum orders. T'Pol raises her eyebrows and says, "Understood." Yeah, she Caught The Spock in that scene as well, and it was good.
Kayla returns with her wrap, which looks too sheer to be warm. Quantum lets her in and says, "Your surgeons did a nice job." Kayla stops in her tracks. "All the Tandarans I met had a very distinctive feature, right here," Quantum points to the bridge of his nose. "Tandarans? I don't understand," Kayla hedges. Quantum whips out his e-pad and explains the bio-scan he did on her. "They may be able to change your face, but not your DNA," Quantum tells her. He asks if Colonel Grat sent her. Kayla doesn't seem to know what he's talking about. Quantum supposes it's possible she doesn't know who he's talking about, but she asked him the exact same questions Grat asked him. "Except he was a little more aggressive. On the other hand, he didn't try to win my sympathy with fictitious tragedies," Quantum bites out. Kayla tells him he's "all wrong," and tries to leave. Quantum grabs her arm and demands to know who sent her there. Kayla lays her hand over his and then pokes him with her middle fingernail. Blood appears on Quantum's hand. I so wanted her to say, "If I medicine you, you'll know you've been medicined," like Presuming Ed. But since the writers have no sense of humor, she just says, "I'm sorry," as Quantum staggers away. We get Quantum-Vision in full force. He looks at a fuzzy and reeling Kayla, who tells him he's been very kind to her. Quantum drops to his knees and falls to his face. Kayla tells him she's going to check out now, because she can't let him interfere. She leaves. Quantum lies on the floor to his e-pad. He's a trained actor reduced to the status of a bum!
Alaine's. The camera pans up on two shadows on the dance floor to reveal Trip and Reed in their Tick Underoos. Those panties are so tight, you could bounce a quarter off them. Ew! Ew! Ew! Reed whispers to Trip, "Whatever was in that bottle you broke got all over me. Stinks to high heaven!" "It's not like I had a choice, we needed something to cut through those ropes!" Trip grits through his teeth. They get a lot of looks and snickers as they walk through the club. It's not like they're dressed any more oddly than anyone else in that joint. They pause briefly at the steps but then square their shoulders and leave, trailing various smells behind them like clouds of glory.
Room. Sunlight filters through a window, and Hoshi wakes up to a sleeping Ravcula. She rolls over, evidently nekkid, and kisses him. He wakes up and asks if she slept well. "Very," Hoshi says. Ravcula asks her if she has any ideas what she would like to do that day, as Risa has so much to offer. Hoshi admits that she could spend the whole day right there, but the shuttle will be coming for her in a few hours. "Not a very long vacation," Ravcula tells her. "Two days and two nights -- that's all we had," Hoshi says, lacing her fingers with his. Man, that ain't nothin' but ten-cent lovin'! Ravcula says, "I hope that you don't think I --" "Took advantage of me? Not for a minute," Hoshi smiles, and they embrace. Wouldn't it be funny if Hoshi's forehead had reverse indentations from all the kiwi she got last night? I think so.
Sick Bay. Phlox plays with a hypospray and says, "Theeeere we go!" T'Pol asks if he's certain. Phlox rolls his eyes: "You can check it yourself if you like, Doctor. The analysis clearly shows he was given benzethonium chloride. You're quite allergic to it," Phlox tells Maywounded. "This should do the trick," Phlox says, hypospraying him and clunking the hypospray on Maywounded's chest. T'Pol looks up at the scans and sees all the orange globules receding back into the green globules. Hope stirs in its winding sheet! Maywounded will not go gentle into that good night! Yet. She tells him his bio-signs are stabilizing, and Maywounded admits that he's feeling a lot better. "Thanks, Doc," he says, turning his head. All three of them hear snoring and look around to see Phlox asleep on an examining table, face-down. A long trail of drool drips down. I'm serious, it really does.
Quantum's Fortress of Furrowtude. Porthos sniffs and whimpers at Quantum's face, and Quantum groans awake. He must feel like a pig shat in his head. He stumbles to his feet and out onto the balcony, where he sees no signs of life at Kayla's place. "Take a memo, Bakula -- Phlox was better at the staggering," Mathra observes. The metal chairs around her patio table are even tipped down. I thought you only did that with cloth chairs because the water can damage them. Quantum leans heavily on the deck railing and looks miserably hungover. I think he should dab at himself with some smelling salts in his lace hankie.
Sh'pod. The four vacationers return. Trip and Reed are dressed in bath slippers with robes draped around their Tick Underoos. Hoshi asks, "What's that smell?" Trip and Reed look at each other. "I don't smell anything," Reed says defensively. Quantum smiles indulgently at them and says, "I'm guessing you two had an interesting couple of days?" "Fascinating culture, sir," Trip says, and Reed nods. Trip asks how Hoshi's vacation was: "Do anything constructive?" "As a matter of fact, I learned several new conjugations," Hoshi says. Reed comments that the Captain looks rested: "Did you get a good night's sleep?" "Went out like a light," Quantum says. "time we take shore leave, instead of jest sittin' around readin' books, you should try to git out. Look for a little excitement, meet new people," Trip advises. Quantum smiles and nods. It's amazing the sh'pod can fly at all, what with that Anvil Of Massive Subtext anchored to it.
week, the season finale, and the week after that, I'm going into deep analysis.