Episode Report Card Keckler: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bad Moon Risan
By Keckler | Season 1 | Episode 25 | Aired on 05.14.2002
Quantum's Fortress of Solitude. And we see that, in addition to sex, Risa's got two moons and a really fake-looking background. Quantum sits on his balcony and wonders if he needs to let his hair down to catch some Risan on horseback. Porthos lounges on a chair -- have I said how much I love that dog? -- as his master reads and drinks iced tea in a very tight stripey t-shirt. God, he's boring and fashion-blind. Drink some beer or rum -- not only does it make you seem more interesting, but it makes others around you seem less dull as well. I know from what I speak. Quantum leaves to refill his glass, and Porthos snaps his head up at some more yipping going on down below. When Quantum returns to the balcony with his refilled glass and his my-those-are-tight black pants, he finds Porthos growling at the Yip Factor, who looks like a strategically shaved poodle, from downstairs. If it's possible, Porthos is even cuter when he's mad. Quantum tells the two canines, "Stop it, you two!" Surprisingly, they don't listen. Maybe if he says, "That's an order," they will, or perhaps that only really works on a heat-stroked Trip.
Quantum's villa bell rings, and he tells the person to come in. The door rings again, so Quantum picks up the growling Porthos -- okay, that is a dangerous thing to do -- and tight-pantses his way to the door. It's the diaphanous chick from downstairs, come to collect her Yip Factor. Diaphanous Chick -- the tip-off that she's not human is the spackle of alien dots in a halter-top pattern up her shoulders, chest, and neck, which would seem to need more than the usual amount of SPF -- apologizes for her errant dog. Quantum invites her in, and she grabs her dog, saying that she hopes the Yip Factor didn't hurt Porthos. Yeah, right -- that scrawny, yippity thing hurt Porthos? I don't think so. Diaphanous Spackled Alien tells Quantum that her dog's been "cooped up for weeks," and she should've known the Yip Factor would make a break for it the first chance it got. I find it interesting that an alien's dog looks so very much like an Earth dog. The make-up crew should have given it some spots or nose ridges, or something on its tail. Quantum subtexts, "Well, no harm done. She probably just came over to make a friend." Quantum introduces himself, and Diaphanous Alien Chick does the same, saying, "Kayla." Wonder if Patch is just around the corner. What? Aren't there any long-ago Days watchers out there? Remember Eve and Frankie? I thought he was so hot when I was twelve. Right. Recap. Quantum and Kayla small-talk and learn that they are both visiting Risa for the first time, and that Quantum's vacation is not his choice, but the advice of his science officer. Kayla purrs that one should "always listen" to one's science officer. Quantum says, "She'd be the first to agree with you." So, he's on the verge of alien sex, and one of the first things he brings up is T'Pol? I guess that's supposed to Mean Something. Quantum tells Kayla he was just about to go out to dinner, and asks if she can recommend a greasy spoon. Kayla tells him about a boat that sails into the bay, just after sunset. I think he's missed the boat, because it looks way after sunset to me. "You wade out and they serve seafood right off the deck," Kayla explains. I hope it's not Monday, because you should never eat seafood on Monday. Then again, I doubt Anthony Bourdain has gotten out to Risa yet, so maybe it's okay. "Do they have sushi floating by on little boats, as well?" Mathra wants to know. I hope they have a sign up reminding people not to pee in the water. Kayla apologizes for disturbing him. Quantum sees her out and asks, abruptly, if she would like to join him for dinner. "You're not here with your science officer?" Kayla asks. Weirdness. Quantum hastens to correct her misapprehensions. Kayla looks about ready to accept his invitation, then stops herself, saying she "can't tonight." It's probably her molting night. Quantum nods and says, "Just a thought." "Tomorrow?" Kayla offers. Quantum says he looks forward to it. "So do I. Goodnight, Porthos," Kayla says, and leaves. I don't know about you, gentle reader, but I thought Kayla acted kinda snotty and overly reserved. I know she's supposed to be all Mystery Lady Who Lives Downstairs And Has A Yip Factor, but she just came off as bootchy (that's my word combining "snooty" and "bitchy" -- I just made it up and I'm convinced it will catch on).
Risan Restaurant that you don't have to wade out to. Hoshi eats alone, but engages a Risan couple in Risan conversation. They are Risanly pleased with her expert lingual attempts, as most people don't bother to learn their language. All this Risaning attracts the attention of Dracula With Cranial Ridges in the corner, who approaches Hoshi after she finally scares the Risan couple off. Dracula tells Hoshi she's "very adept at languages," and Hoshi tells him it's her job as Communications Officer on a starship. The whole conversation is conducted in Risan. We get subtitles. Hoshi introduces herself, and Dracula says his name is "Ravis." Ravcula sits down and quizzes her some more about her language background. Hoshi says knows forty languages and hasn't yet met a language she couldn't tongue. Hmm -- seems Hoshi's kicking her résumé up a notch for this tall, dark stranger, because on the sh'pod she told Quantum & Co. that she only knew thirty-eight languages. Although Hoshi qualifies that braggadocio by admitting that she had some problems with Klingon conjugation. Ravcula wants to know if she thinks he can learn his language, and Hoshi asks where he's from. Ravcula's mouth spouts some fast guttural sounds. Hoshi asks him to speak slower, but he tells her that speaking slower would change the meaning. Cool -- your parents could never accuse you of talking too fast. She asks him to say the name of his planet again, but Ravcula condescendingly tells her not to feel bad, as some people on his planet still don't know how to speak their own language. Hoshi takes that as challenge and walks right into his between-the-sheets language trap. She asks him to teach her. Ravcula tells her it could take awhile, and asks her to have dinner with him. Yeah, naked dinner.