Episode Report Card Gustave: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Wanna Fanta?
By Gustave | Season 3 | Episode 7 | Aired on 12.08.2003
The time is 07:32:45 PM. Special Agent Charlie Brown parks in front of a quaint and slightly palatial ivy-covered home with one of those cutesy faux-gas lamps illuminating the front lawn. They must be short on footage for this episode because it takes him, like, five minutes to approach the front door and ring the doorbell. This guy answers who looks like a poor man's version of Steven Bauer's character -- the drug lord who was married to Catherine Zeta-Jones -- in Traffic. ["He was also the sidekick in Scarface." -- Sars] PoorMan'sStevenBauer explains that he's in the middle of dinner right now and can't talk, so Special Agent Charlie Brown forces his way in and knocks him around for a few minutes. Jeez, you'd think the accountant of a drug lord would have better security or something. Charlie demands to know where Hector is hiding. PoorMan'sStevenBauer swears he doesn't know. Charlie insists. "I don't know where Hector Salazar is now," says PMSB, his resolve fading. "He left Colombia over two weeks ago." Charlie makes him go through his books and trace Hector's whereabouts through his money flow.
Back on SalazAir, the party is winding down. A glass of champagne can be seen next to a gun, and one of the Fanta girls seems to be really disappointed about something. Felipe grabs the gun and heads for the Kiefer Kabin. Again. The Salazar henchman tries to stop him. Again. But this time, Felipe reaches the cabin and goes inside. Kiefer is waiting for him. He grabs Hartmano and holds him hostage while demanding that the other henchmen drop their guns. Henchman #1 orders the other henchmen to shoot Kiefer, but Kiefer warns him about what Hector's reaction will be when the plane lands and Kiefer and/or Hartmano are dead. "There's no way out of this," says the henchman. "He's right," says Hartmano. "My brother has an army waiting." "I'll worry about that," says Kiefer. "Hey ladies," says Hartmano. "Don't worry, the party will continue once we're on the ground." What party? Nevertheless, Hartmano continues to taunt Kiefer about his chances of survival on the ground. "Shut up," snaps a sweaty Kiefer.
Meanwhile, at Rancho Narcotico, Hector is gathering his men to go meet Hartmano's plane. "Rapido! Rapido!" he shouts. This means "fast." I know this because I have been drinking Tequila Rapidos ever since this show started to suck in the second season. PoorMan'sAngelinaJolie continues to annoy as she peppers Hector with questions about why he's meeting the flight with so many armed men. Hector explains that he's trying to prepare for the worst since he hasn't heard from Gael in a while. "Why don't you call the plane?" asks PMAJ. "It's too risky," says Hector. "The Americans are checking everything." America? Mexico is part of America. Central America, to be exact. I only say this because I have this Mexican ex-boyfriend who I'm still friends with who goes insane every time I mistakenly call the U.S. "America." But then I asked him once what the hell I'm supposed to call myself. People from Canada are Canadians. People from Mexico are Mexicans. They're both Americans, but what am I? A United Statesian? He couldn't answer that and just told me to refer to myself as a "person from the United States." Whatever.