Episode Report Card Jacob: A+ | 7 USERS: A YOU GRADE IT "Love You." "...Love You, Too."
By Jacob | Season 4 | Episode 21 | Aired on 2003.03.14
"Drill's on," says D'Argo, and John steals my Wonkavator joke, asking if D'Argo can drive it. D'Argo's like, "Can you?" And John says no, and D'Argo goes, "Then why ask?" The elevator jerks, tossing everyone around; this is as good a "dancing in the elevator" moment as John and D'Argo are going to get. They rocket up in the shaft, then vector out into solid rock.
A long-neck Scarran approaches Ahkna, saying that there's been an unusual energy discharge in the cavern, and she immediately asks about the status of the Crystherium. "Unknown," but on the other hand they've also lost contact with the strike team. "Crichton?" "...Has activated the drill, and is coring through solid rock. Impossible to predict his destination, my love." (Oh, that must be Pennoch! Hi, Pennoch! You're so gross-looking!) She's like, "Your destination, my love, is a frelling torture station if you don't stop him!" Also, I've been torturing Scorpius but I thought it was okay since we were on a break and I haven't seen you all trilogy. Please do not get all Maury about it right now, because he's gone and anyway it didn't mean anything, and I was totally thinking of you the whole time.
John's like, "You at least know how to get us where we're going?" No, D'Argo does not. And in classic, gorgeous John Crichton form, he snaps back, "Oh, then go faster." They all get tossed around and D'Argo smiles: "Here's faster." Drilling and drilling. John calls it a hell of a ride, Chiana laughs, Aeryn smiles. They spin. "Kinda fun, huh?" They whirl and there are crashes and scary jerks as they continue to dig. "Okay, it's no longer a joke." The cuteness quotient of this episode is so high, like record high, that even him saying that is, like, so cute. Pass the champagne, their asses are fine. We're so far into allegory territory at this point, they might just suddenly turn into a giant baby in space.
Kalish Secretary Vakali and Charrid General Rahzaro, the guys who basically started the riot last week with their chest-bumping bullshit, sit at a table as the Emperor enters. "Protection of the Crystherium was your number-one priority," Staleek begins the slow burn, and Rahzaro nods. "Yes, my lord, but it was not I who gave permission for the access codes." Vakali asks again what the hell he's implying, and the Emperor tells them both to suck it. "Do not give me your excuses!" Captain Jenek comes in, saying Grayza's now just stopped acknowledging altogether, on all frequencies. Staleek credits her for choosing "suicide over failure" and asks how Jenek's positioned for the battle. "They will be accorded every opportunity to cease fire," Jenek says. "Peacekeeper Command will find no fault with our self-defense." Captain Jenek for peace! Awesome! When you're not raping medical patients you're awesome! "Captain Jenek here epitomizes the competence I demand," Staleek growls. "Perhaps you can next assist Minister Ahkna in her follies." Jenek nods, and Staleek tells him he can have her job if he nabs John. Jenek bobs and takes off, and Staleek shakes his head at the embarrassed Vakali and Rahzaro, who look away all jealous and ashamed. "Fools." (Cute! This is like the Jane Espenson episode for all time. Everybody's so adorable and quippy!)