Episode Report Card Wing Chun: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Last Tango In Agrestic
By Wing Chun | Season 2 | Episode 3 | Aired on 08.27.2006
Okay, this scene is so awesome that it needs to be transcribed in full, as Andy meets with Shane.
All right, listen closely. I'm not gonna beat around the bush. [riotous laughter at his own joke] Your little body's changing. It's all good, believe me. Problem now is, every time we jerk the gherkin, we end up with a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So. First order of business: no more socks. They're expensive, gummin' up the works, plumbing-wise. You might be thinking to yourself, "But Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock? Glad you asked. You can have a lovely time tuggin' the tiger in the shower each morning; that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take four or five showers every day, we're gonna need some other options here. So let's start with the basics. Tissues -- perfectly acceptable backstop for all that creamy Italian. Can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin, not to mention it can stick to your dick head like a fucking Band-Aid. Ouch. From there, we move on to more lubricated splat-catchers. Specifically -- bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson, start pitching. [visual aid with hand] Now, for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also: olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline all can be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube? Is lube. So save your allowance, invest in some soon. All right. Moving on. When you tug your thomas on the toilet, shoot right into the bowl. In bed, soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised sceptre of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practise makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you're a solo artist, you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. All right. Class dismissed.
Shane smiles faintly as he toddles off, but Andy stops him and tosses him a banana: "Homework." Heh. Shane grins and takes off. Left alone, Andy shakes his head wistfully.
Heylia's. As Vaneeta and Heylia natter back and forth about whether anti-bacterial soap is good for the baby (consensus: bad, though when Nancy tries to take Heylia's side, they both tell her to stay out of it). Then Heylia looks up at the closed-circuit monitor and sees an older gentleman in a bowtie coming up the walk. She twitters excitedly and hurries to hide all the weed and cash, telling Nancy, "Time to melt, Snowflake," and bum-rushing her to the back door. But it's to no avail, as she opens the door to find her caller standing there instead of in the front. Heylia identifies him as Joseph, cooing and fluttering about. Nancy introduces herself, but Joseph is like, "Okay?" He tells Heylia he brought her some bean pies. Nancy pipes up to say that she's never had one. "Lucky you," mutters Vaneeta. Heylia pays Joseph for the baked goods, and when Nancy breaks in to say that she'd like to try one, Joseph curtly tells her he's out. He heads home, Heylia coyly going with him "to take [her] exercise," and once they're gone, Nancy asks what the deal is. Vaneeta calls it "the mountain coming to Mohammed." Nancy complains that Joseph ignored her (NANCY?! The nerve!), and Vaneeta exposits that she's the White Devil, and he's Nation of Islam, so friendship between them is not in the cards. Nancy goes to leave, and Vaneeta asks her to take a bean pie with her. Nancy asks what's in them. "Ground-up white babies and nutmeg?" guesses Vaneeta. Fortunately, that's Nancy's favorite.