Episode Report Card M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Spy vs. Spy
By M. Giant | Season 5 | Episode 14 | Aired on 03.19.2006
Logan doesn't waste time: he recaps the terrorist attacks of the day: Palmer, Ontario Airport, and Suvarov. He adds that the terrorists will strike again soon, so he's "imposing a curfew on all civilians in the Los Angeles metropolitan area. This curfew will be effective immediately and will be enforced by the military." It's a good thing the press secretary informed the press in advance that there would be no Q&A, because you know the first question on the mind of every reporter in the place is, "So, uh, does that mean I can crash here, then?"
From his bunker, Bierko is watching the announcement live on a fake cable news channel, looking mildly concerned.
Chloe and Buchanan are also watching it on the CTU big screen, as the former asks the latter for a casualty list for DoD. Buchanan says they should hold off until next of kin has been notified, and for Chloe to let him know when that's done. Because they have plenty of time and staffing for that now. You can see bagged corpses being wheeled out on gurneys in the background at 8:06:25, and an even more depressing sight is that of Karen Hayes from Homeland Security. She enters the building with one of those posses that new bosses always bring with them into this place, unless they're Buchanan. Her evil IT sidekick is with her, of course, quietly bitching to his boss that they should take over the place right away. Hayes says that they still need the remaining staff, and will take full control after the canisters have been found. Because the place is going to be such a prize at that point. Buchanan meets Hayes on her way in, and she introduces her evil geek as Miles Papazian. And I know I'm not so much with the nicknames this year, but I can't resist bestowing one on Miles: It's an anagram...it's descriptive...it's accurate...it's...Slime! No one else in the entourage gets an intro, which is probably just as well. Hayes lies to Buchanan that the White House sent them over to assess how DHS can best help CTU, and Slime wordlessly hands Buchanan a folder, managing to infuse this simple action with gallons of prissy contempt. Hate. Him. "I'll brief you in my office," Buchanan says, and leads Hayes upstairs.
Left behind on the floor to do a "survey," Slime heads over to the computer where Chloe is working. "Who are you?" she asks, and he answers, "Homeland Security." "I asked you your name, not who you worked for," Chloe bitches, rather than answering, "Hi, Homeland. May I call you Homes?" Slime demands a vacant workstation, and naturally announces that since Edgar is listed as a casualty (cueing Chloe and the music to get all sad together, which is a heck of a lot more mourning than Tony's getting), Slime'll be setting up at the late big guy's desk. He tells Chloe he needs her keycard to do some technobabble, and she just snaps, "No." Slime gets all pissy with her. It's like he can't believe someone would actually say no to King Shit of Turd Mountain, and way to tip your hand there, Slime. "Oh, no, not here to take over at all. Just obey my every instruction instantly or I'll twist your fucking head off." But Chloe grudgingly hands over the keycard. Slime snits over to Edgar's desk and sits down, glaring over at Chloe the whole time like he's trying to make her head explode with his mind. Give it up, Slime. I've been trying for almost two years. ["Hey! Lay off my girlfriend! ...Or, she was, until I quit 24 this year." -- Wing Chun]