Episode Report Card Amorgan: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Mo' Menace, Mo' Problems (2)
By Amorgan | Season 1 | Episode 2 | Aired on 09.29.1999
Cut to the inside of the house, which is just incredible. Camera pans down from above, then cuts to Mary Cherry rubbing her ass all over the Michelin Man’s crotch -- I mean, dancing with Sugar Daddy to a Fatboy Slim song. The camera pans sideways, past way too many candles for me to feel comfortable with at a teen party, to Brooke and the Smug Bitch sitting in the stairwell together. SB is bitching about Mary Cherry, who is now slow-dancing with SD. She rants for a long time until she notices that Brooke hasn’t said a word and is staring mournfully into space. SB demonstrates a rare streak of sympathy and says, "Don’t worry, Brookie, he’ll show up. And if he doesn’t, then he’s not worth it." Brooke blinks slowly and says, "The thing is, he is worth it." Brooke slumps against the wall, probably weak with hunger. SB stops being sympathetic and darts off to attack Mary Cherry. She shoves MC out of the way (wacky noises, like a bowling ball knocking over pins, here) and latches herself onto Sugar Daddy like a starfish onto a rock. As if that alone isn’t gross enough, Sugar Daddy doesn’t even seem perturbed by his date’s disappearance, and grabs right onto Smug Bitch with an expression of delight on his face.
Cut to a shot of a campfire on the beach. Carmen stares pensively into the fire, looking like she’s waiting for Kip Winger to start serenading her. LBH approaches, wearing the coolest Girl Scout T-shirt. She sits down and makes small talk about the beach and the planes flying overhead. Little Big Head tells Carmen that everyone missed her at school. Carmen cries some more and says that she doesn’t think she can go back. LBH says that Carmen inspired her to refuse to dissect her frog in biology class, and goes on to give another touching speech, in the most annoying voice possible, about how much of a hero Carmen is. Carmen just shakes her head and bawls like a baby. It’s amazing - why isn’t this show all about Carmen? She’s the only good actor in this whole ridiculous thing. The more Carmen shakes her head, the more LBH yells, until she is just shouting at the top of her lungs. The scene closes with Carmen finally just breaking down completely and holding onto the tiny Little Big Head for dear life while she sobs. Damn.
Cut to establishing shot of the restaurant. Inside, Mr. Grant is studying his menu. He is becoming more and more loathsome to me every time he comes onto the screen. Cut to Sam, twitching flirtatiously and breathing through her mouth. Her new piercing is painfully red and infected-looking. The camera cuts back and forth between the two of them while Sam’s voice-over says the most inane things in the entire world. Case in point: "I wonder if implants would hurt as much as my piercing? I’d keep my implants a secret and would wear baggy sweaters until he ripped my sweater off!" After what seems like an eternity, he interrupts this stream of nonsense by asking her what time the party starts, and what questions she has ready for her interviews. Sam twitches and stammers, and manages to ask him how he discovered the restaurant. Mr. Grant smiles smarmily, "I have a friend who works here." Then she asks him if he likes her piercing. Of course he doesn’t, you stupid twit! He tells her, gently, that he thinks she is trying too hard. (This from a man who pierced his ear after a Limp Bizkit concert?) Sam is crestfallen, and it only gets worse when the waitress arrives, and is clearly Mr. Grant’s girlfriend. He introduces them, and Heather, the girlfriend, immediately coos, "Sam! It’s nice to meet you! I have heard so much about you." Sam makes an unpleasant face at Heather, who then notices Sam’s nose: "Oh my God! Do you want some ice for that?" Sam makes a mondo snotto face and snaps, "Do you have any specials?" Heather says that the oysters are good, then turns to Mr. Grant and says that he’s going to need them later. Gross! They start to kiss and talk all gooey to each other, which is doubly gross, until they notice Sam staring at them like they just started picking each other’s scabs. Sam then drops her head into her hands -- IN SLOW MOTION! The anguish! The drama! Not! Seeing that Sam is freaking out, Heather excuses herself, and Mr. Grant starts apologizing for acting like the clueless oaf that he is. Sam says that she looks like a stupid Spice Girl in her dress, then blows her newly-pierced nose without a flinch or a blink. I am not proud of this or anything, but I have had my own nose pierced three times, and I can tell you right now that you don’t just go blowing your nose on the first day without some serious pain. ("I’ve only had mine pierced once, and if memory serves, you don’t go moving your face on the first day without some serious pain, much less honking away into a non-lotiony tissue, so ‘word’ on that." -- Sars) Mr. Grant assures her that she’s not stupid, and Sam wisely remarks that her friends will surely disagree. I know that if I was one of Sam’s friends, I would laugh at her for this one until we were both cold in the grave.