Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Thought You Can't Think
By Jacob Clifton | Season 2 | Episode 8 | Aired on 08.02.2011
LOCKERS
Emily's Dad, as she puts on some pain cream: "Emily! Surprise visit from Texas! Let's discuss my travel itinerary at unbelievable length as though suspending disbelief weren't clearly the main skill of our show's viewers."
Emily, squirting pain cream directly into her own mouth: "Dad, I am unbelievably stressed out by your sudden appearance. But I can't tell you why. And you aren't allowed to glad-hand the Danby rep, and I can't tell you why that either."
Dad: "Well, the painful angry squint in your eyes tells me nothing's wrong. Break a lung*!"
Emily, shooting pain cream between her toes with a dirty syringe she found: "Okay Dad, it's nice to see you but please wear a disguise to the meet in case that recruiter recognizes you and my web of lies falls apart."
Dad: "Whatever you say, sport!"
*(Or whatever, I don't know swimming words. Also, he keeps calling Pam Emily's "Ma" in this really weird Dorothy Zbornak way that I don't recall their family usually doing.)
Immediately after her dad takes off, Emily -- while heating up a spoon full of pain cream -- drops to the ground in a writhing death spasm and the only person that can help her is Garrett, who is still roving the halls because he's teaching Driver's Ed this week.
LACUNA TO EMERGENCY ROOMA
Emily, waking up and feeling around immediately for her pain cream: "Dad? Why am I in the hospital? What about the swim meet? And where is that fucking pain cream?"
Dad: "Turns out lying to us about this recruitment scam has caused you to develop an ulcer. Also the stress of your parents abandoning you. Also the stress of being gay in high school maybe. Also the stress of a ghost is trying to kill you through text messages."
Emily: "I gotta get out there! I gotta slap on some pain cream and get out there!"
Dad: "Um, you have a hole. On the inside of your body. Where you keep powerful churning acid. How about you sit tight."
Emily: "SWIMMING IS MY LIFE! [But not like you think. Actually, I've been entrapped into performing at my best by a ghost ninja who lied to you about my collegiate prospects.]"
Dad: "Okay, why don't I call the recruiter and make sure your offer's still on the table? Or I could have Pam do it. Sorry, your Ma."
Emily: "No, I'll call him. He's my imaginary friend anyway, I should be the one."