Episode Report Card Demian: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Dolt, Be Not Proud
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 10 | Aired on 11.26.2005
The shot cuts to pan across a few of the skyscrapers downtown before diving abruptly into a street below, where we find Taxi Driver Dolt idling at the curb with The One True Dolt anxiously bouncing around in the back seat. The One True Dolt passes Doltis Bickle a twenty, telling him to scram for a sec, and for some mindbendingly stupid reason, Doltis Bickle complies. You know what would have been funny, though? If Taxi Driver Dolt talked like Apu Nahasapeemapetilon from The Simpsons. Shouldn't surprise me to learn that Brian Krause can't do accents, though. In any event, turns out The One True Dolt's parked himself across from The Preschool Of The Damned and is apparently waiting to catch sight of the dead-eyed and bemulleted Psycho because The One True Dolt is a fucking idiot who deserves what's coming to him. Death mojos himself into the back seat next to The One True Dolt and rather wryly appraises the terrified expression on The One True Dolt's face. "Who are you?" the Dolt stupidly demands. "If you can see me," Death replies, his mouth twisting into an amused smirk, "then you know." The Dolt then bores both Death and yours truly by begging for his life, going so far as to mention that he gave up on being a Whitelighter and an Elder so he could spend more time with his family, and Death and I are both like, "Well, see, there you go, dumbass. If you'd stuck with one or the other of those gigs, you wouldn't have found yourself in your current situation, now would you?" We both really should be kinder to the poor, dumb Dolt, though. I mean, the real reason all of this is happening is because Brad Kern unceremoniously fired Brian Krause after seven and a half years of loyal service so Kern could keep his precious maggoty-necked Bimbo in the opening credits, so I should be taking it out on the evil bastard ultimately responsible for this hot mess, right? And yet, Dolt-bashing is so much fun. What to do? Point and laugh, I suppose, when Death quietly mojos on out of there so The One True Dolt can get creamed by a monster truck that barrels in from out of nowhere to slam into the side of the taxi just as the Dolt's about to exit. Hee. The impact, which really should have hacked off both of the Dolt's legs at the knee, simply hurls him unconscious and bleeding across the back seat as the taxicab's horn blares straight into the next commercial break.
The Only Hospital In San Francisco. Piper, looking suspiciously Piper Of Death in that long black coat of hers, storms through the hallway with an aggravatingly glittery Raige to assault the ER's receiving nurse. By the way, all of the other gentlemen in the city have been de-Doltified during the break, what with the spectacular round of Dolt abuse just prior to the commercials having cut off the effects of Piper's spell. The nurse is, of course, rudely dismissive, so Piper's rudely aggressive in return, snatching the phone away from the woman and demanding to see her husband right now. A nearby doctor, overhearing the argument, warily steps over to give Piper the bullet on the Dolt. They need to perform an "exploratory laparotomy," you see, to find out why the Dolt's bleeding out internally. Piper freaks and freezes everyone in the hospital. After taking a moment to collect herself, she flicks her hands around to break the freeze and asks if she can see the Dolt before they take him into surgery. The doctor looks doubtful, but Piper's glare of determination guarantees we're soon...
...panning across various machines that go "Ping!" before landing on the Dolt's battered and hastily stitched together Frankenface as Piper enters the otherwise deserted ward from elsewhere to take his hand. He flutters his eyes open, and Piper whispers a few urgent words of encouragement until an off-screen voice intrudes to announce they're ready to escort Frankendolt up to the OR. The shot cuts out to the hall as a team of orderlies wheels Frankendolt away. Raige, who'd been speaking with a uniformed police officer, carefully picks her way over to Piper's side with both an incredibly stupid assertion and an incredibly stupid idea. "Things like this don't just happen to us," she insists and no, Raige, things like this do happen to you all the time. Just ask your spicy blackened parents if you don't believe me. Moron. "What if this isn't just an accident?" she continues, ignoring me. "What if there's something demonic behind it?" The cops have the monster truck's driver in custody, Raige reveals, and she intends to interrogate the gentleman herself. "How does that help [Frankendolt]?" Piper tiredly inquires. "If there's something magical going on here," Raige reasons, "maybe something magical can fix it." Despite her underlying belief that Raige is grasping at straws, Piper encourages Raige to "see what [she] can do." As for Piper, she's off to figure out another way to cheat Death.