Episode Report Card Sobell: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Denise -- dead!
By Sobell | Season 2 | Episode 13 | Aired on 11.26.2006
Cut to T-Bag, who is holding a newspaper with his new prosthetic. I'm guessing Corporal Bigot is probably not missing it. We see him lurking outside a post office, and when a redhead in a drab sweatshirt, baggy blue pants, and clunky sneakers goes schlepping by, he pauses for only a moment before following her.
We get another shot of her sneakers. They're Roos! I used to wear those -- in the fifth grade, along with friendship pins and Jordache jeans. Ah, memories. Anyway, the Roos lady is sitting at a diner counter, eating her lonely lunch. Fortunately for T-Bag, she's got something on her face. When he tells her this, she totally misses it, so he becomes quite the paper-napkin gallant, wiping it away with, "Pardon my forwardness. Normally I wouldn't intervene. It's just that yesterday, when I got home from work, I found what looked like the Brazilian rainforest lodged between my two front teeth." Ah, no worries then! With that land being cleared at a rate of 1000 kilometers a week, that forest is disappearing rapidly, so we can infer that T-Bag's feigned dental tragedy is merely a dental inconvenience. Like, say, a poppy seed. Anyway, we soon find out there's a reason this lady eats alone as she begins spouting off a trivia-laden monologue about how the diastema can be a magnet for food. Nevertheless, T-Bag gallantly forges on: "All this and brains too! What are you, a dentist?" No, she's Hollywood's idea of what it must be like to be a "plain"-looking woman in America: a poor dresser, socially awkward, bereft of self-confidence. The lady continues, "My ex -- my ex-husband, he was --" "A bastard?" T-Bag quickly guesses. The man has a gift for dealing with aggrieved ex-wives, doesn't he?
We see more of that fiendish aptitude in action, as T-Bag quickly convinces Denise to take him back to her place with this monologue: "Have you ever been to Italy? In Italy, they have wine with lunch every day. And what do we do with our lunch here? We power it down with caffeine, carbonation, and high-fructose corn syrup. We do not take the time to enjoy things anymore. Denise, would you do me the honor of enjoying the rest of your lunch with me?"
Now, y'all. We have established that Denise is "plain," she is socially awkward, she is lacking in self-confidence, and she can't keep a man. So what do you think her response is? If you guessed, "She snorts in an unattractive laugh, then falls for T-Bag's corny come-on," well, congratulations. You've clearly been watching a lot of American-produced entertainment.