Episode Report Card Lady Lola: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT No Country for Juicy Men
By Lady Lola | Season 3 | Episode 7 | Aired on 06.26.2011
Bonus: Juicy and Jacqueline can both do the splits -- Joe in the style of Jean-Claude Van Damme. That was something I did not need to see. That and his cockring. Double thanks!
After many drinks, the Giudices and the Lauritas decide to go ride around on four-wheelers, meriting a side eye from Caroline. It's less fun for Jacqueline, who thinks Chris drives too fast. She threatens to take his credit card on a shopping spree first thing when they get home. In a trifecta of ick, Teresa tells Juicy when they get back, "Thank you for the ride, I'll give you a ride later." Are they trying to kill me???
Back in Jersey, Kathy and her family arrive for Antonia's performance. Melissa warns Kathy that Teresa and Joe's mother will be there. It'll be the first time they've seen each other since the Posche fashion show. Kathy insists she'll always respect her aunt and refuses to get caught up in the petty stuff. Joe takes Antonia the elder out for a spin on the floor, and Melissa notes that the tension is completely gone with Teresa's not around.
Eventually it's show time, which is less ballroom and more fan-based weirdness. Oh yeah, and there's an old lady in a flapper costume and some be-fringed Q-tip people. Antonia marches out (literally) and romps around with a black Tony Manero, exposing her little pink panties under lacy leggings when she does a heel stretch into the splits. The family cheers for her and gives her huge hugs when she emerges from backstage. A heartwarming moment between the two Antonias inspires Melissa to let go of the pettiness and let bygones be bygones with Teresa from here on out.
Upstate, the gang heads out drinking out the B&B Lounge, which Caroline snarks means "Busted & Broke." The night starts with shots, which soon leads to some inappropriate dancing between Teresa and Juicy. More shots later, Teresa goes on her manhunt for Dolores. And hey, there's Teardrop from Winter's Bone! Get it, Dolores! Teresa takes the stage to announce that Dolores is looking eligible bachelors and tasks the men with saying their best line on the mic. Things really go wrong when a sexagenarian in a Kangol hat tells Dolores she makes him melt like butter. Long story short, there is a dearth of juiceheads in the Catskills. Shocker.
The next morning, more shooting and more faux fur adorning Teresa's body. Caroline has already entered her vacation (and presumably actual) hangover. Before they can head back to Franklin Lakes, however, the group attends church in the chapel at the end of Teresa's driveway. Teresa requests a moment of silence, but Caroline and Jacqueline can't keep their shit together at the juxtaposition of shooting guns then going to church. Don't move down South, child. They finish up their mini-service, and Caroline issues a prayer: Please, God, just let us get through the holidays.