Episode Report Card Sara M: A | 2 USERS: A YOU GRADE IT Lusitania
By Sara M | Season 20 | Episode 13 | Aired on 05.13.2010
The contestants arrive at the challenge. Probst grabs the Verizon phone back from them and says that, yes, the loved ones are here and part of today's reward. With that, the loved ones come running out. First up is Parvati's dad, who has the boring name of Mike but named his daughter after a Hindu goddess even though she isn't Hindu and everyone in the Western world will pronounce it as "poverty" forevermore. Mike is kind of -- how shall I put this? -- a little bit too happy to see his daughter. "Oh my God, I love you," he whispers in her ear; "play to win, all right, babe?" I don't think my dad has ever called me "babe." In fact, I know he hasn't, because he's still my dad, and if he ever did call me "babe" I'd have had legal documents drawn up severing our relationship, because that's weird. Jerri's sister, Jennifer (can I call her Jenni? I will) runs out. Until this moment, I had no idea that eyebrows were a genetic trait. Jenni comes to us "all the way from Germany," Probst says. Probst, they all came from far away. Because you know what Samoa's not near? Everything. Jerri and Jenni hug, and it's too much for Sandra, who starts to cry.
And here comes Li'l Russell's wife, Melanie! They hug and say they love each other. Poor Melanie. She has no idea how humiliating this season is probably going to be for her. If she wasn't married to Li'l Russell, I'd feel sorry for her, but you reap what you sow, Mel. Colby's brother, Reid, runs out and there is more crying. I don't think Reid is crying, though. Just Colby. And here comes Rupert's wife, Laura. Rupert makes all sorts of sobbing noises. His wife comments that he's "so skinny." Aw, and it's their 12th anniversary. "Seems like 12 months," Rupert says, whatever that means. Laura says it seems like he's been gone for 12 months. She wishes. There's some close talking and hugging, but no making out. Hooray! And finally, Uncle Fernando! Sandra hugs him and cries and it's weird to see her like that. Even Probst gets choked up, and he doesn't have human emotions. Sandra says her uncle was there for her mother every day until she died. Oh. I guess that's why Sandra's mother isn't there. She's dead. OR IS SHE?!?!?! Maybe Sandra is pulling a Johnny Fairplay on all of us and just pretending her mother is dead to get sympathy and win the reward! Or maybe not, since she's not a sociopath.
Now that the contestants are all emotional wrecks, Probst explains the challenge. It's from Season 13, and is a bucket-filling challenge, except this time the contestants aren't blindfolded. The winner will fly to a "neighboring island" with his loved one where, Probst says, they "will experience the blowholes." LOL. I experience the blowholes every second I watch this show. Especially when Li'l Russell is on camera. Which is, basically, every second of this show. They also get burgers, sodas and a stupid phone to take shitty pictures with. Meanwhile, Melanie is already warming up and stretching her legs. She is a competitor! Probst calls go, and Li'l Russell is the first back with water, which he tosses on his wife. "GREAT CATCH!" Probst says. Oh my god, the Li'l Russell ass-kissery spreads to his family, too? Gross. Parvati's dad totally misses the water she throws at him, because he's probably too busy staring at her boobs or something horrible I don't want to think about anymore. Colby yells at his brother, like it's Reid's fault that Colby sucks at everything. As Uncle Fernando gets, like, three drops of water, Probst says it's "anybody's challenge." Not really. It's between Li'l Russell, and Jerri, from what I can tell. Colby yells at Reid again. Meanwhile, the wives squeeze water out of their hair and shirts. Colby yells at Reid again, and Probst feels sorry for him and hates Colby, so he tells Reid not to worry because "he's been that way for 34 days." Meanwhile, Sandra uses the power of bilingualness to her advantage, telling Uncle Fernando in Spanish to reach over with his bucket when Li'l Russell throws water at Melanie and try to get some of it. He does, but doesn't seem to get much water and feels like a douche about it, laughing nervously. Is he adopted? Surely he can't be related to Sandra by blood. And then he starts cheering for the team on the other side of him, telling Jerri that was a "good shot." Sandra rolls her eyes.