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"Just six episodes left," the Manly Announcer guy yells at the beginning of this episode. At this, the Mulder action figure tosses aside the cardboard top of his shoebox office and sticks his head out angrily. "I can't believe I'm not back on the goddamned show yet," he yells. "What the hell is going on here? Where am I? What could possibly be taking me so long at the store?" I shrug. What do you tell an action figure that's taken up pumping iron and constructing detailed profiles of the other action figures in the household that could have kidnapped his plastic counterpart? Just yesterday, I walked in on him interrogating my ceramic Fernando Valenzuela bobblehead, who was eventually cleared of all suspicion when the Mulder realized that Fernando doesn't have fully poseable limbs.
Fairhope, Pennsylvania. Fade in on a child's room, covered in crayon drawings. A little boy lies on his back in bed and stares at the ceiling. Okay, we're less than a minute in and I'm calling it: he's evil. Heart-shaped face, unblinking blue eyes: evil. A branch scratches at his bedroom window as the Piano of Dude, The Kid is So Totally Evil tinkles in the background. The boy closes his eyes, but opens them a moment later with a loud gasp. He sits up and looks around. Nothing. He looks at his reflection in a mirror hanging opposite his bed. Nothing. He looks under the bed. Nothing. There's a faint crunching noise, and the kid calls for his father. "Tommy, what is it?" his father says, poking his head in the room. Tommy calmly tells his dad -- let's call him Jeffrey, for that is his name and I'm all out of clever monikers this week -- that he heard something under the bed. Jeffrey trudges over and looks under the bed. Nothing. Not even a dust bunny. Man, any monster under my bed would never be able to find its way out from among all the old issues of The New Yorker; crushed, dusty sneakers; dyed-to-match pumps from every wedding I've even been in; and folded, water-damaged paperback copies of true crime novels and the selected works of Judith Krantz. As Jeffrey straightens up, something skitters along under the bed. It looks like a cat. Or, at the very least, it's the size of a cat. "All clear," Jeffrey says. Tommy yelps that he saw something in the mirror. "Tommy, it's just your imagination," Jeffrey tells him. He leaves, closing the door tightly. Tommy rolls over. There's a loud crunching nose, and Tommy sits up and begins to scream. "It's in here!" he hollers. He races over to his door and rattles the knob. Out in the hallway, Jeffrey is holding the door shut. Tommy screams hysterically.
Credits.
Quantico. Students chase Scully down the hallway, shouting questions ("What the hell happened to Marita Covawhateverhername is?" "Is that guy with the accent still growing corn in Tunisia?" "What is the deal with the bees? The bees, Agent Scully!"). Scully wearily tells them that she's not taking any questions until after lunch, and finally escapes into her office.
“ Leyla sputters that Disembowelled Appetite-Killing Lady stabbed herself sixteen times. Scully shrugs that that's 'unusual,' but that she's 'seen it before.' Well, she's also seen the aftermath of a genie who killed people by crawling out of their butts. I don't know if that makes it, you know, usual. ”
Scully scampers inside (not closing the door entirely) and takes her lunch out of a Tupperware container. She's about to bite into her sandwich when Leyla Harrison (the blonde Kewpie-doll FBI accountant who partnered with Doggett for one episode last season -- remember her?) skitters inside. Scully makes a surprised face and exchanges brief pleasantries, clearly longing to eat her lunch. When it becomes clear that Leyla didn't just drop in to get the name of Scully's hairdresser, Scully asks if Leyla minds if they talk while Scully eats. "No problem," Leyla chirps, taking a manila folder out of her bag and opening it to a gory photograph of a disemboweled woman. Scully stops short of taking a big bite of her sandwich, disgusted. Oh, please. This is the woman who ordered a pizza because she autopsied a guy who'd eaten one for dinner. She's not that squeamish. "It's an X-File!" Leyla chirps. I don't know why Scully doesn't just remind Leyla that she's not even on the X-Files anymore, but she doesn't. Scully asks where Leyla happened across this alleged X-File. Leyla yammers and chatters, and finally reveals that she heard about it from "a really nice" secretary in the Baltimore field office. The victim is the nice secretary's dead daughter.
Leyla takes a picture of Evil, Evil Tommy out of her Folder of Truth and tosses it under Scully's nose. He's Disemboweled Appetite-Killing Lady's son. "Tommy told [his grandmother] that monsters killed his mother, and his father knows all about it," Leyla confides, then passes Scully DAKL's autopsy. Scully glances at it and has to put down her uneaten sandwich. Again. "The coroner concluded that she stabbed herself," Scully reads, then informs Leyla that she sees no reason to disagree with the ME. Leyla sputters that DAKL stabbed herself sixteen times. Scully shrugs that that's "unusual," but that she's "seen it before." Well, she's also seen the aftermath of a genie who killed people by crawling out of their butts. I don't know if that makes it, you know, usual. Leyla twitters that Tommy's dad took the kid all the way to a mountain in the middle of nowhere, where they don't even have a phone! "Tommy's own grandmother isn't even allowed to see him anymore," she says, sticking her lower lip way, way out. Scully sighs that, unless Leyla has additional (better) evidence, she doesn't think they have a case. Also, she doesn't care. "Maybe you haven't heard," she eyebrows, "but since Mulder ran out to Blockbuster to return our overdue copy of Dude, Where's My Car? six months ago, I've been raising a child alone! I really don't have time to run all over creation looking for Man Bats or shape-shifting Alien Bounty Hunters anymore, thank you very much." Not really. Instead, Leyla looks thoughtful, then tells Scully that "Tommy said the same monster who killed his mother also killed Spanky, his pet cat." Scully wearily raises one anemic brow. "Unless you bring me Spanky, there's nothing I can do," she says sarcastically, and brings her sandwich to her mouth a third time. A bell rings. I really doubt Quantico has bells. Scully looks, irritated, at her virgin lunch. She stands. "Apple and tuna salad?" she asks, handing Leyla the wax paper package, and leaving in a huff. Leyla looks at the sandwich and takes a big fat bite. Okay, not really. But that would have been amusing.
Scary Monsters
“ 'This is how you spend your Friday night, John,' Doggett mutters to himself. 'Running around like an idiot. I could be home with Walter watching NASCAR on the TiVo, but no. I'm out here in the middle of nowhere with two of the most addle-brained women in the FBI, instead of at home with my hard-body boyfriend. Never. Again.' ”
Scully's House of Whores that Became a House of Horrors, Except for the Whores Part. She races quietly out of the Prince of Peace's room to answer the phone. It's Moronica. "I wanted to get your opinion on an autopsy finding," Moronica says. Whatever happened to pleasantries with these people? No "Hi Dana! How's the kid? Break anything with his mind lately?" Or "Hey, Scully. Mulder back from the Dairy Queen yet? Too bad." Instead, she just launches into "gimme, gimme, gimme." And what does Scully get in return? Nothing! Moronica and Doggett are in the car. "It's pretty unusual," Moronica says. "A woman stabbed herself sixteen times." Scully rolls her eyes and asks if Moronica's been talking to Leyla Harrison. Moronica shoots Leyla (in the back seat) a dirty look. Leyla bats her lashes. Moronica tells Scully that she, Doggett, and Leyla are on their way to Pennsylvania. "What do you mean, there's no case?" Moronica asks. Leyla looks at her lap. "All right, thanks," Moronica says, and hangs up. Doggett looks pissed and flips a bitch with a squeal of the brakes. "Agent Doggett! We're almost there!" Leyla pipes up. "This is how you spend your Friday night, John," Doggett mutters to himself. "Running around like an idiot. I could be home with Walter watching NASCAR on the TiVo, but no. I'm out here in the middle of nowhere with two of the most addle-brained women in the FBI, instead of at home with my hard-body boyfriend. Never. Again." Leyla squeals that a little boy may be in danger. "Even if this isn't an X-File, which is it is, what would it hurt to keep going? If Agent Mulder were here, he'd keep going." Doggett and Moronica exchange looks; then Doggett pulls the Sensible Rental Car around again and heads back toward the Evil Mountain Town.
Soon enough, the car rattles into the snow-covered driveway of the House of Evil Tommy and His Hapless Pa. Hapless Pa is very busy, burying something in the back yard. Doggett, Moronica, and Leyla spill out of their sedan and approach the yard. Moronica does the introductions, and tells Jeffrey that his mother-in-law is worried about Tommy. "Tommy is fine," Jeffrey grouses. Doggett notices blood on Jeffrey's hand, and asks about it. "I cut myself on a piece of broken glass," Jeffrey offers. Moronica asks if they can talk to Tommy; Jeffrey tells them he's asleep. You know who else is asleep? Me, because this scene is so mind-numbingly boring. Doggett thinks it's a bit too early for aEtjbTuo#9EAJG?E. Sorry. I think passed out from boredom, there. Um...okay. What happened here, while I was drooling on my laptop? I guess Doggett and Company told Jeffrey that his mother-in-law sent them all up there to check on the brat, and they're not leaving until they do it. Also, something about monsters. I think. Then Jeffrey goes inside and slams the door on them, and Doggett and Moronica head for the car. See, all caught up! I barely need to be conscious to recap this train wreck anymore. Leyla plaintively apologizes for "ruining [their] evening," and thanks them "in advance" for "not yelling." "Something's going on here," Doggett announces. He points out that Jeffrey had dirt on his hands and knees, and it's surely too cold and dark for gardening. Yeah, he couldn't have, like, dropped a potted plant or been out at the compost pile. He must have been burying a body under the peonies! Anyway, based on this excellent evidence, Doggett thinks they can convince a judge to give them a warrant. I can see it now: "Your honor, he had dirt on his hands! And his kid thinks a monster killed his cat!" That's totally going to fly.
Back in the house, Jeffrey and Tommy watch the Feds get into the car. "Dad, the monsters aren't going to let those people leave, are they?" the kids asks. Jeffrey points out that they are leaving. "It's too late," Tommy intones. Because he's evil. Evil!
Yeah, so the car won't start. "The hell?" Doggett asks, as he tries repeatedly to get the engine to turn over. Blood -- or a blood-like substance -- splurts out of the air conditioning vents and goes all over all of them. Moronica yelps. Doggett and Leyla just look shocked. They scamper out and pop the hood. Moronica wonders if it was a possum, maybe, in the works. Doggett shoots her an incredulous look. "How'd it get from here into the vents?" he asks. Moronica shrugs. She doesn't know from possums. She also still has dried blood on her face, which is disgusting. And she's Moronica: she's disgusting!
Scully's. A knock at the door. It's "Gabe [someone or other]," a doofishly attractive young guy calls from the other side of what by this point ought to be an iron door. "I've got that thing you've been waiting for!" Scully makes a face at the closed door. "I'm a friend of Leyla Harrison?" Gabe says. And so Scully just opens the damn door and lets him in her apartment. Hey, nefarious kidnappers? Just tell Agent Scully that you're a friend of someone she knows only tangentially, and she'll let you into her apartment, where you can shoot her in the head like her sister and then kidnap her MiracleChildofGod/Aliens and steal her leather coat! It's so easy! "Do you know what time it is?" Scully hisses. Gabe shrugs that he just does what he's told. He holds out a cardboard box: "Enjoy!" Scully recoils once she gets a whiff of the box. "What the hell is that?" she asks. "Dead cat," Gabe says. "Come again?" Scully wonders. "Leyla said you needed it ASAP," Gabe says. "Hey, you're welcome!" Scully takes a deep breath and looks at her feet. "I'm going to be exceptionally polite," she begins. "Leave. Leave now. And take that with you." Gabe, instead, comes in and says he went though a lot to get the damned cat. "I don't care!" Scully hollers. "Leave, now! Please!" Gabe confesses that Leyla said she'd go out with him if he got Scully the cat and, look, he got the cat. Then he flips open the lid of the cardboard box. Scully covers her mouth with her hand, horrified, then leans in for a closer look at the dead kitty. Then she stomps over and picks up the phone. "You calling the cops on me?" Gabe squeaks. Scully rolls her eyes. "If only," she says. "God help me, but Agent Harrison might be on to something after all."