Fade in on an anonymous apartment building. A creepy young-ish guy slinks inside the lobby, where Moronica is fixing her bike. Or, rather, "fixing her bike," since she's actually just sitting there pretending to be working on it, while she watches him out of the corner of her eye. Creepy picks up a copy of the DC Weekly, still eyeing Moronica. He looks up into the security mirror in the corner of the lobby...and thus into a monitor in the FBI surveillance van parked outside, manned by Doggett and Dread Pirate Brad. "Fifty bucks says that's Lukesh," Doggett hisses. "Let him get to the mailbox," DPB responds. Doggett grits that he's quite sure this guy is their perp. "Patience, Agent Doggett," DPB coos. "We have an agent alone with a guy who cuts out women's tongues and who's known for his disappearing act," Doggett gruffly exposits. "He isn't vanishing anywhere," DPB says. "And your partner volunteered." Creepy...oh, let's call him Lukesh, because, let's face it, everyone knows that Doggett's right. Lukesh opens his mailbox (4-D, for those of you keeping score). Doggett tells Moronica, via her earpiece, to "stand by." Lukesh gives Moronica one last glance and starts to leave. Doggett whispers something to Moronica that I don't quite catch, even though I listen to it six or seven times. At any rate, she gets up to trail Lukesh. "[Moronica], don't," Doggett says. DPB just advises her to "keep [her] distance." Moronica draws her weapon and tiptoes down a hallway. Ahead of her, the door to the stairwell closes. She scampers up to said door, opens it, peers inside, and slinks into the stairwell. "[Moronica], where are you?" DPB asks. She whispers that she lost sight of Lukesh. "I think he might be -- ARGH!" she screams as Lukesh comes up beside her as if from out of thin air, and slits her throat. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this is starting very well!
Outside, Doggett and DPB spill out of an unmarked van in their nifty navy-blue FBI windbreakers and race into the building, through the hallway and into the stairwell, where Moronica lies, dead, in a pool of her own blood. After staring sadly at her for a sec, Doggett races after Lukesh, while DPB calls frantically for backup and an ambulance. "Doggett! He's got her gun!" DPB shouts, too late.
Doggett catches up with Lukesh in the alley behind the apartment building and hollers at him to hold up. "Turn around, you son of a bitch," to be precise, is what he yells. Sirens wail in the background. Lukesh finally turns to face Doggett, slowly raising his bloody hands and smiling. Doggett turns his head away from Lukesh briefly, to shout to the arriving backup, and when he turns back...Lukesh is totally gone. Doggett makes a befuddled face and walks around the alley, looking for Lukesh. He looks and looks, and looks and looks. He turns and looks behind himself. Nothing. He turns around, and then the hairs on the back of his neck must stand on end or something, because he whirls around, ready to fire his gun. But he's half a second too late; Lukesh is right behind him and shoots him, almost point blank.
“ If anyone knows sausage, it's Doggett. Too bad it's not exactly Moronica's area of expertise. And I am twelve. ”
Doggett and Moronica are both dead. The end. It's been really great, recapping The X-Files, but I think I speak for all of us when I say that it's about time Fox and 1013 pulled the -- what the hell? Credits? Aw, shit. It's not over after all. And this week, instead of "The Truth is Out There," we get "erehT tuO si hturT ehT." Memento, much?
After the commercials, we greet Moronica, who's unpacking in her new apartment and admiring her non-slashed throat in a lovely antique mirror. I'd be all "huh?" but it's not really worth the effort. Also, surely this will all be explained to our satisfaction. Don't you think? Anyway. Moronica is all Smiley McHappyFace into the mirror, which she eventually puts down in order to unpack the rest of her belongings. Enter Doggett, carrying a white plastic bag. "So, this is how the uptown crowd lives, huh?" he asks her, grinning. Moronica greets him warmly. Doggett looks around and asks if she has "anything really heavy" to move. Moronica grins and tells him that he "just missed the movers." "You don't say?" Doggett comments wryly. He's brought her a housewarming gift, he says, handing her the bag. Moronica smiles at him and peeks inside. "Hot dogs?" she asks. "Polish sausage!" Doggett corrects her. Apparently, the best polish sausage stand in the city is right down the street from Moronica's new digs. And if anyone knows sausage, it's Doggett. Too bad it's not exactly Moronica's area of expertise. And I am twelve. "Wow," Moronica says, somewhat unenthusiastically. Number seven on Jessica's Long List of Requirements for Potential Suitors is "brings sandwiches over for no good reason." That's right between number six, "Enjoys televised sporting events," and number eight, "No mesh tank tops." Doggett tells her to eat some sausage. They both take a bite and chew happily. Moronica walks over to Doggett and wipes some mustard off the corner of his mouth. Because I guess she loves him now, or something. Doggett makes a "why are you touching my face?" face, and Moronica goes into the kitchen to fetch them some plates. "Plates? For crying out loud, who eats Polish sausage with plates?" Doggett yells after her. You guys, I think Doggett is my new boyfriend. He's so charming in this scene! And he brought sandwiches! Sandwiches!
So, Moronica goes into the kitchen and attempts to unearth a couple of plates. Her phone rings; it's Skinner. "I'll thank you to stop touching my boyfriend's face," he says by way of a greeting. Actually, he tells her that "there's no easy way to say this"; Doggett's been shot. Over at the crime scene, Skinner stands to an ambulance as the EMS guys load Doggett, covered in blood and all strapped into some kind of ventilator/neck brace thinger, into the back. Moronica makes a massively confused face. She wanders into the living room, which is now empty. "Agent Reyes? Agent Reyes?" Skinner asks. Moronica furrows her brow.
Chung chung over to Washington Memorial Hospital, Where Special Agents Die And Are Brought Back To Life All The Time! Moronica stands in the elevator, looking utterly perplexed. Welcome to the X-Files, honey. People will be dying and getting resurrected all over the place, so get used to it. At least you didn't bury him alive this time. The elevator doors slide open with a ding and reveal DPB waiting for Moronica in the hallway. "Skinner called you, too?" Moronica asks. DPB makes a sad face and tells her that Skinner is staying at the crime scene. "I'm sorry," he tells her. Um. Okay. What? Because if Doggett was shot, wasn't DPB there when it happened? Because we saw...But then I guess Moronica's throat would still be...was it just in the alley? But what about...yeah, I have no idea what's going on. Anyway, DPB tells Moronica that he's been put in charge of "the investigation," and he needs to know why Doggett was in that alley in the first place. "He wasn't. He was with me," Moronica tells him. DPB looks like he's wondering if Moronica hit her head in the shower that morning. Moronica repeats that Doggett was with her when Skinner called to tell her he'd been shot. "I don't follow," DPB says. No one does, Brad: just go with it! Scully comes wandering down the hallway, looking solemn as usual. She's so sorry, she tells Moronica. Doggett is just coming out of surgery, she says, and they're moving him into the ICU. "If he pulls through this, it's likely that he'll be paralyzed for life," she says quietly. Moronica sort of shakes her head. "I haven't understood one single word since I've got here," she tells Scully. That single line encapsulates my tenure as recapper of The X-Files like nothing I've heard. Scully looks sympathetic. She knows from dead, undead, and not dead partners. "Whoever [sic] you're talking about, it's not John Doggett," Moronica insists.
But it is. Doggett's all hooked up to shit in the ICU: ventilators, IVs, heart monitors. You know, beepy, hospital-y stuff. Annabeth Gish tries to recreate the Patented Gillian Anderson Open-Mouthed Gaze of Despair/Surprise/Awe, and falls somewhat short of the mark. Moronica takes Doggett's lifeless hand and one single tear runs down her cheek. Scully stares at the two of them with a slightly raised brow, like, "Girl, please. This is my schtick."