Nothing Important Happened Today, Part I

Do you realize that it's been six months since the season finale of The X-Files aired? I don't even know if I remember who any of these people are.

Anyway. According to Standards and Practices, due to some violent content, parental discretion is advised. The only real violence I saw in this episode involved my eye and a sharp stick.

We open in a bar, which is fitting, since I suspect most loyal X-Philes are already tanked. A guy sits at said bar, gripping what looks like a scotch on the rocks. He reaches into the drink and removes the ice, tossing it onto the ground behind him. Classy. The time-date stamp -- time-date stamp! How I've missed you! -- informs us that this is Baltimore, Maryland, at 9:27 PM. The guy -- let's call him Iceman, because, you know, that thing with the ice just now -- chugs his drink and turns to ogle a woman walking into the bar. It's Lucy Lawless (a.k.a. Xena, Warrior Princess), dressed up in a super-sexy black halter dress. I want that dress. I could use it for my weekly trips to the liquor store. Maybe Rod, the guy who works the Sunday-morning shifts, would give me a deal on club soda, or throw a lime in for free, if I was wearing that dress. Xena looks way hotter in this get-up than she did in that unflattering leather kilt-thing she used to have to wear. She slides into a seat a few spots down from Iceman and orders a drink. Iceman continues the ogling, then takes his life in his hands and plops into the seat to her. "Hi. How are you?" he asks. I have to say, as pick-up lines go, that's a pretty good one. I was at a local watering hole recently, and I fell into a conversation with a guy who was auditioning various pick-up lines on girls. The one he choose for me? "I love your handbag." And yet he was perplexed when I told him that I thought that was, uh, a little gay. Moving right along. Xena tells Iceman that she's "thirsty." He gestures to the bartender, and orders another drink. "No ice," he specifies. He turns to her and complains that the bartender gave him ice last time. Xena's all, what's wrong with ice? "It's the water, actually, in the ice," Iceman says, and informs her that he's a big ice expert. "Well, what's wrong with it?" Xena repeats, calmly. Iceman tells her it's "no big secret." Apparently, the ice contains a "government additive, called chloramine." Um, here's my question: how's the government adding chemicals to ice? Unless they're adding it to the tap water. In which case, why be so specific? Or are all those five-pound bags of ice you buy at the liquor store actually produced by the government? Ah, two minutes in, and already this makes no sense at all. Xena remarks that she heard said additive was good for you, like fluoride. "Well, that's what they say," Iceman tells her, then comments that he didn't sit down to scare her. "On the contrary," he purrs. Xena flutters her lashes and wonders if he'd like to get some air. In the X-Files universe, that's code for "have sex." I wonder how much air Mulder and Scully were getting?

Xena and Iceman hop into his convertible and go for a little drive. "Long way to go for a drink, huh? Do you like living out here?" Iceman asks. Xena just smiles inscrutably. Iceman, naturally, doesn't care if she wants to talk or not, since he's pretty sure he's going to get laid. "How much farther?" he asks. Xena murmurs that she lives just over the bridge. They race toward the bridge, which looks like part of the oil-rig set from last season. As they speed, the access gates to the bride begin to close, because the bridge is getting ready to do that lifty thing they do when a boat has to pass under. You know what I mean. I don't know from bridge lingo. Iceman tries to stop the car, but Xena puts her hand on his knee and she won't let him move his foot from the accelerator to the brake. In fact, she presses down on his knee, forcing him to speed up. "What the hell are you doing?" he yelps, as she leans over and grabs the steering wheel. Iceman screams that she's going to kill them! Kill them! They're going to die! Die! This prospect doesn't seem to bother Xena, who gaily crashes the car through the barrier and off the bridge into the water.

The car sinks down, down, down into the drink. Xena appears to be unconscious, but Iceman somehow manages to unhook his seat belt, and begins to swim toward the surface. Suddenly, Xena's eyes snap open and her hand darts out and grabs his ankle. He struggles against her grasp, but she's too strong. He drowns. That's what you get for going out for some air.

Credits. Ack! They're totally new! I mean, they're fancy and stuff, with a new font, and sassy updated photographs, but I'm very uncomfortable with change. Gillian Anderson now has the much deserved top billing. "Hey," says the Mulder action figure from his usual perch on my right knee. "Where the hell am I?" The Scully action figure and I look away discreetly. "What?" he asks, poking my inner thigh with a sharp plastic finger. "You're not on the show any more," I tell him. His little mouth falls open. The Scully reaches over and pats his knee.

Now we're getting the Previouslys? Whatever. Last season, on The X-Files: Noel Rrrrrooooooaoarrrrr told Doggett that the government was trying to create a "super-soldier," and they're using Scully's body to do it; pretty, pretty Krycek very solemnly told Scully that her baby was "a miracle"; Scully insisted that the baby was completely normal; Mulder made concerned faces; Skinner shot Krycek in the head; Skinner and Doggett got chased all around the parking lot by Agent Crane and Noel Rrrrrrooooaaaarrrr; Skinner and Doggett shared The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name; Moronica delivered Scully's baby out in the middle of nowhere whilst surrounded by alien replicants and Biblical imagery; Doggett launched an internal investigation of Kersh; finally, some tall guy kissed Scully and said something obtuse about the truth.

The time-date stamp appears over a shot of the Washington Monument; obviously, we're in Washington. It's forty-eight hours later. Is that forty-eight hours after the events of the season finale, or forty-eight hours after Xena drowned her would-be suitor? Why am I so confused already? And does the Washington Monument, the world's most famous phallic symbol, signify something in the way of plot? Because, from what I read, Mulder and Scully have "obviously" consummated their relationship, but that obviousness was news to me. I wonder if I was perhaps supposed to be reading more into the little things. Like architecture. Anyway. We're at Scully's house, where some guy is wearing a bathing suit and taking a shower in her bathroom. Apparently, Duchovny took his stand-in with him, because this individual has a completely different body type. In fact, it might be a woman. Maybe Mulder's left because he's undertaken gender-reassignment surgery and he wants to start his new life as a woman far, far away. Maybe in beautiful Twin Peaks! While he/she is scrubbing, and Scully wanders around in her jammies, the MiracleWhoTheHellEvenKnows Baby starts crying. Scully closes the bathroom door and picks up her wailing son up, looking sad. Her hair is really cute; longer, and a little bit flippy. Never mind that it's a massive continuity error for her to have completely different hair a mere forty-eight hours after we last met. And I'm not even going to mention how impossible it is that Scully's already back to her fighting weight. Because, for season nine, I'm letting all that nitpicky stuff go. I'm just letting it go. This means, of course, that my recaps will be, like, three pages long. Scully pats William on the back and murmurs Comforting Mommy things, and walks him into the living room. An impossible number of suitcases sit in front of the door. Like, if this is Mulder's stuff -- and come on, we know it is -- he's dismantled his leather couch and is taking it with him. The man didn't have a bed for countless years! There's no way he has this much stuff. And if he's on the run -- as he must be, because I'll never believe that he willingly ditched Scully and their child -- why is he taking so much stuff? You can't go on the lam with more luggage than you can fit in your car! Jesus. Yeah, that thing I just said about giving up nitpicking? I'm working on it.

Doggett's House of Homoeroticism. He's lying on his stomach in bed, all nekkid, and I have to tell you, Robert Patrick has a nice back. He must work out. Doggett's alarm goes off, and he rolls over onto his back and sighs. His manly, manly chest is covered with bruises. I don't even remember how he got those. I mean, he tussled with Agent Crane during the car chase, but he was inside the car at the time. I'm sure I've just blocked whatever it was out of my mind, over the last six months.

Moronica's place. It looks like a hotel room, actually. Which makes sense. She's also asleep. Her phone rings, and she very sleepily opens her eyes. Moronica slides over the empty bed and answers the phone. She's also naked. Oh, my bad: she's not. Black panties. You know, if you care. It's some guy on the other end of the line. "Brad!" Moronica says, her eyes opening real big. She makes some noise about how she wasn't asleep, and we cut to the other end of the line: it's Cary Elwes, who played Westley in The Princess Bride, and who has also appeared in other, less entertaining films. He's doing a horrible American accent. He doesn't sound American, exactly, but nor does he sound totally British. It's very strange. I have to say, most of his pronunciation is correct, but the rhythm of his speech is extremely British. I don't know. "You're in town?" he asks. Moronica bites her tongue and doesn't ask why he bothered to call her if he didn't know she was in town. He asks, if she's coming into "the Hoober [sic] Building," that she stop by his office. She agrees. Westley's looking forward to seeing her.

Back at the Doggett Homestead, the man himself makes a thermos of coffee while keeping half an eye on the morning news. The lead story involves Iceman's mysterious death. As the news anchor mentions that Iceman was an administrator at the EPA, Doggett flips off the television and heads to the office.

Over at FBI HQ, Westley's watching the same news item. Distracted by a noise outside his office, he opens the door and finds Moronica leaving him a note. She looks about a hundred times better than she did last season, by the way. Her hair? Very nice. She turns to find Westley looking at her ass, and sputters a whole load of excuses about his secretary, and not wanting to disturb him, and blah blah blah. He smiles at her. Speaking of hair, his appears to be made of plastic. He looks like nothing so much as a Ken doll. Say, "FBI Ken." Comes complete with tiny plastic briefcase and belted trench coat! Sensible rental car not included. He invites Moronica inside his office, and she agrees, and they go in, and he closes the door, and then he kisses her! Is that the new protocol at the FBI? Way to go. She backs out of the smooch and gives him a look. "What?" Westley asks. "We're at work," she points out. Westley grins. "You used to ask me to close the door when we were at work, back in New York." Moronica just smiles wanly and asks "if that's all" he called her in for. He grins. "I probably shouldn't tell you how hot you look, either, because you do," he says. Ew. Westley's skeezy. He's more like -- to borrow yet another Princess Brideism -- Dread Pirate Roberts. Except without the charm or the puffy shirt. Let's just call him Dread Pirate Brad. Since his character is named Brad, and all. "How long's it been?" he wonders. "Two years?" Moronica nods. "Yeah. We should catch up, Brad, really. I've got to get downstairs," she says. In other words: "Stop kissing me, Mr. Sexual Harassment Lawsuit in the Making." Brad sort of eyes her, and then says he's "got something for [her]." It's something she'll see eventually, but he wanted to give her the heads-up. Get your minds out of the gutter; it's the surveillance tapes from the parking lot the night of the big chase/crash/fireball. One tape shows her meeting Doggett. Moronica's all, duh. They're working on a case. "I heard. Believe me," Dread Pirate Brad says, leaning back in his chair. "This whole thing about a chase and a crash and a fire. And now Doggett's investigation of Deputy Director Kersh. It's big news." He stares at her. Moronica's all, whatever. "What's on the other tape?" she asks.