Three Words

Okay, so thank God for backup VCRs, because somehow I taped Ally McBeal. Big props to C for saving my ass. And that's why this recap is on the late side. Sorry about that. Also, a big shout-to the forums, because we've had some very interesting discussions the past two weeks. Anyway, last week on The X Files, Mulder got buried and then dug up again and now he's alive. Alive! Also, there was something to do with aliens, or something. But that's just crazy talk -- everyone knows there's no such thing as aliens! Silly conspiracy theorists.

Washington D.C. 6:44 PM. Generic White Guy approaches the fence surrounding the White House. He lurks furtively for a moment, and then jumps the fence and almost makes it to the front door before being surrounded by the Secret Service. As if, people. I don't even think you get to stand on the White House side of the street anymore. But, whatever. GWG is soon surrounded by loud, gun-toting guys in bulletproof vests. He throws his arms in the air and waves them around like he just don't care. Then he plaintively protests that he merely wants to give the President something. The head guard guy lowers his gun and tells GWG that he should have just said so! They hug, and then the First Lady comes to the door with a plate of cookies and welcomes him inside. Oh, except for the fact that they actually wrestle him to the ground and thrust their guns in his face. "Look, he needs to know! The aliens are taking over the United States!" GWG begins to take a gun out of his waistband, and shoots himself in the stomach. Uh, good plan, brainiac. The guards make disgusted noises, as GWG screws up his face all tearfully and hands a CD-ROM disc to the head guard. "Give it to the President," he moans. Then he drops dead. Inscribed on the disc in black sharpie are the words "Fight the Future." "Hey, I saw that movie," the head guard guy mutters. Man, I was so stoked when the movie came out, back when I felt like the plot on this show was actually moving toward some kind of revelation instead of just in concentric circles of pain and confusion. The action figures and I were so happy then. We had direction. We had purpose. We even had little plastic flashlights and cell phones, neither of which we can find now. Our lives are in shambles, people!

Mark Snow kicks out the jams with that bitching theme song!

We will never get out of this damn hospital. Mulder's sitting in a lone little chair, feeling his face and looking sad. He flashes back to his stint at the Worst Dentist in the Universe. More feeling of scars. More flashbackery. More melancholy glances at nothing. Poor Mulder. On Passions, Sheridan really bounced back from being dead very well, but she had shirtless hottie Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald feeding her strawberries. I mean, Scully's been very helpful, but I think Mulder might appreciate her removing her blouse to feed him fruit. It worked on Passions. Enter Scully and Dr. Nameless No Name. Mulder turns to the door, putting on a brave face for his partner. He smirks softly, and tells her that "for a guy who was in a coffin not very long ago," he's doing "pretty damn good." Scully looks around and hesitantly breathes that she has some news for him, and that he might want to sit down for it. "Uh oh," Mulder says, sliding back into his Plastic Chair of Doom 'n' Gloom. But Scully tells him that she has "miraculous" news. Her hair, by the way, is looking very season seven. I wonder whether Gillian Anderson's sympathetic hairdresser has abandoned her; running off to rub jar after jar of gel into David Duchovny's head, laughing at his dry witticisms and pretending to understand what he's talking about when he starts explaining the thesis he was working on before he dropped out of his PhD. program to act, and leaving Gillian to wait and wait and wait and wait for a little attention, leafing idly through The National Enquirer, her tea growing colder and colder and her hair getting flatter and flatter. It's shameful! He's supposed to look bedraggled! Anyway, Scully explains that Mulder's mysterious and stupid-ass brain disease is just as mysteriously and stupid-assily gone. Totally gone! He's virus free! His brain is all normal again! "Mulder, you are in perfect health," Scully breathes. "Wow," Mulder says. Scully looks sort of happy and sort of in shock and totally moony. Mulder makes an Austin Powers joke. He and Scully smile tensely.

Remember how I said that if we didn't get to see Mulder's first reaction to Scully's big old pregnant belly, I was going to go ballistic? Well, I'm not proud of the way I acted. And I don't want to go into details, because, you know, I'm a role model, people, but let's just say that the action figures are crying. And the fire department is here. And I'm wearing handcuffs. I'll see you in court, Chris Carter! There isn't a jury in the world that will convict me! Not after we show them "Badlaa"!

Mulder's apartment. Okay, sidebar. I was talking to a friend of mine about this episode, and she very astutely pointed out how absurd it is that Mulder's apartment is untouched, down to the fish, even after he was proclaimed dead and then buried. Sure, he's missing, and Scully clings to the hope that he'll be coming back, and refuses to let his apartment go, going over after work and on weekends to dust and feed the fish and cry into Mulder's dress shirts, but after she buried him? Hello, a Georgetown graduate student with a trust fund should occupy that apartment right now. And Mulder could stay at Scully's. Which advances the plot anyway. But why does Chris Carter conveniently forget that fact? So that he can make a joke about the goddamned fish; one of them is dead. And then Scully gets to tear up and comment that the fish wasn't as lucky as Mulder. And look all sniffily apprehensive. And then they can stare at each other plaintively. And then she can tell Mulder that she doesn't know if he'll "ever understand what it was like, first learning of [his] abduction, then searching for [him] and finding [him] dead, and now to have to [him] back," and then she can smile wanly, and he can look at the floor and I can scream at the TV that no, Mulder has no idea what it's like to have a partner abducted by aliens and/or presumed dead, with the exception of those times when Scully herself was abducted twice and then had what was presumed to be terminal freaking cancer. And don't give me that shit about how it would be hard to work that into the dialogue, because all Mulder had to do was smile and remind her that, oh yes, he understands it just fine. "All my prayers haven been answered," Scully breathes. Mulder glances at her belly. "In more ways than one," he says. Scully looks down. "I'm happy for you," Mulder remarks awkwardly. "I think I know how much that means to you." They look at each other, Scully rather pleadingly. This is the part where you talk about the father of the baby, people. People? Hello? Someone? Scully, tell Mulder that you're knocked up and don't know how it happened. Mulder, ask if this means that your boys can swim after all. Someone, say something, for the love of all that's holy and true! "Mulder," Scully whispers. Mulder looks out the window. "I don't mean to be cold or ungrateful," he says, "I just don't know where I fit in. Right now. I just, um, I'm having a little trouble processing," he explains. Scully stares at him balefully. What the...?

Okay, I really hate the Absalom character. I really hate him. I think he's really amazingly dull. I really thought he'd be gone by now. And I really can never remember how to spell his name correctly and the most convenient place for me to check it is by looking on the cover of my copy of the William Faulkner novel Absalom, Absalom! and I can never find it when I need it, and it occurs to me that I could just check in my other recaps, but whatever. And I can't be bothered to recap any scene in which he appears with any kind of attention to detail because, as I mentioned, I loathe me some Absalom So I'm just going to skim over this scene, which features Absalom in prison and sadly does not include a bloody encounter with a shiv. All you need to know is: (a) there's a Music Man joke, which is such a total shout-out, because I was in a production of The Music Man my senior year in high school, which was the same year that I was the president of the drama society, thank you very much, and (b) the librarian hands Absalom a book which has press clippings about GWG taped to the inside front cover. The book is titled The Coming Apocalypse -- which is, I believe, one of the books penned by Martin Landau's character in the movie, to which I say, welcome back, Continuity! Take a seat, stay a while! The Scully action figure made lemon bars, would you li-- hello? Wait, come back! Please? Typical. Anyway, it turns out GWG was a census worker. Absalom makes his shocked face.

Kersh watches a news report about the dead stupid census worker on the tiny TV in his office. Enter Doggett and Skinner, all fresh and glowing from some love in the afternoon. They peer at the TV over Kersh's shoulder. "People are so rarely what they seem," Kersh comments cryptically before taking a seat. He explains that he received an application from Scully, on Mulder's behalf, regarding his reinstatement to the X-Files. Doggett expresses mild surprise that Mulder is so raring to get back to work. Kersh spits that he wanted the two of them to take a look at something before he denies the application. Skinner grits his teeth. Kersh hands the men a report that reviews Scully's performance with Mulder, comparing it to her performance with Doggett and proving that she and Doggett have a greater "arrest on percentage." Doggett is gobsmacked. Skinner gets steely-eyed and reminds Kersh that it isn't really fair to judge Mulder's success in terms of arrest rates because so many of Mulder's cases involved... "Aliens?" Kersh says. "Therein lies the problem. The FBI is no place for personal crusades." He wants them to make that understood on his behalf. Doggett sputters that Kersh can't possibly expect him to have to tell "Moooooulder" he's off the X Files. Kersh is all, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Skinner and Doggett exchange looks. Doggett stands up. "You sent me to find Mulder," he says. "I found him. Don't charge me with driving a stake through his heart." Kersh purses his lips. "Maybe you'd like me to close the X-Files," he grits. "Then we'd both be getting what we want." Doggett stares. Skinner stands. "Let's go, Agent Doggett," he says grimly. Stare. Stare. Stare. "Now." And Doggett obeys.

Mulder's apartment. He lolls on the sofa. Scully and Skinner watch. "Kersh wants to put me behind a desk?" Scully sighs. "Kersh wants you to quit," she says, and I wish someone would explain to me why she's speaking so quietly all of a sudden. She awkwardly sits down, as Skinner hypothesizes that Kersh wants both to punish and to hurt Mulder. "And you, Agent Scully, for not giving up on me," Mulder adds. He stares at Scully, who doesn't look at him. Skinner wonders whether they're just going to sit there, and let things happen. Mulder, still looking at Scully, comments that, in a while, she'll have more important things to worry about. Like where to get baby food for alien spawn. Scully looks down. You know, if the two of you could just discuss your relationship like a mature couple, you wouldn't feel so freaking random and we could get over this whole looking-at-the-ground-awkward-pause routine. Because, really, it's tiresome. Scully awkwardly comments that the X-Files won't be closed down because Doggett will be running the department. "Agent who?" Mulder asks. He gives Scully another long searching look and, again, she won't meet his eyes. She whispers that Doggett is her new partner. "He was assigned to help me find you," she says. "Mission accomplished!" Mulder is suddenly perky as hell. "Does he know what he's doing, this guy?" he asks. Skinner and Scully sigh. Scully informs Mulder that Doggett is "above reproach" and that he's being "maneuvered," just like everyone else. Skinner muses that he'd like to maneuver Doggett right into -- er, never mind. Mulder bounds off the sofa and announces that he's ready to get back to work.

Still hating me the Absalom. Long story short, he escapes from prison by running away while he's on work detail on the side of the road. The best part of this scene when the rest of the prisoners start cheering him wildly, like drunken fans at an XFL game right after one of the trampy cheerleaders has lost her top.

Doggett gets home from work. Takes off coat. Throws firearm on the table. Looks at mail. Turns on lights. Hears click of gun being cocked. Turns and finds Absalom holding it to his back. Absalom makes Doggett kneel, and feels all over the back of his neck. "You don't have it," he says. "I had to make sure." Huh? "Makin' sure that you're still you,"Absalom explains. Doggett eyes him warily and says, "I'm still me. Put the weapon down." Absalom shoves the Census Guy newspaper article under Doggett's nose. "They killed him for what he knew. They'll kill me too," Absalom stiffly comments. He informs Doggett that he's going to show Doggett "something," and then Doggett is going to "spread the word." Absalom waggles the gun a bit. "Doubting Thomas is going to spread the word. The invasion has begun." Doggett makes his "huh?" face. Yada yada prophecies, yada yada God, yada yada things kept secret from the world, yada yada huh? The phone rings. Absalom smiles. "On your knees, John Doggett," he says. I'm not going to even touch that one, but I think you know where I would go, if I were going to go somewhere. Which I'm not.

The FBI Task Force Briefing Room. 4:45 PM. Skinner's briefing the troops assigned to comb the countryside for Absalom. Blah de blah, Skinner recaps the entire first twenty minutes of the show before mentioning that the words "Fight the Future" were carved on the wall of Absalom's cell. "We don't know what [those words] mean," Skinner says ("Whatever," I say), but, he explains, Absalom "claimed to have knowledge of an alien invasion." Everyone rolls his or her eyes. In the back of the room, Scully leans against the wall, attempting to make a call on her cell phone. She's wearing the cutest maternity suit in the entire universe. Skinner is still talking to the troops, totally recapping everything we already know about Absalom, which is boring me even more than Absalom usually bores me -- which, trust me, I didn't think was possible. Basically, he wants them to find Absalom. The troops file out, complaining about the stupid wild-goose chases Skinner is always sending them on and what a nut job he is. Scully is still trying to call Doggett. "Where the hell is Agent Doggett?" Skinner asks, before sniffing that he can't run this investigation -- it's an X-File! And God knows Scully can't run the investigation, because she has nothing to do with the X-Files and is, besides, just a weak woman, useful only as an incubator for the baby that will, I fear, prove to be some kind of second coming, because, you know, Mulder is already the Christ figure with the whole died/resurrected thing we all just went through, and Scully is the Virgin Mary character, because she's all mysteriously pregnant, except she doesn't have any of the authority that the Virgin gets, at least in Catholicism, because Chris Carter has developed some kind of issue with women. She promises that she'll find Doggett ASAP. Her phone beeps. It's a text message from Mulder: Where is everybody? Come on down -- Mulder. Oh, that's so sad. Skinner and Scully exchange glances.

"Who says you can't go home again?" Mulder asks, his feet all propped up on his desk. Scully is all, what are you doing? Mulder is all, what does it look like I'm doing, mean pregnant lady? Scully snits that he's giving Kersh and his ilk "ammunition." Mulder smirks that surely he can't get in trouble just for visiting some old friends down in his (former) Lush Basement Office. He comments that he'd like to meet this Agent Doggett person. Skinner grits that they're in the middle of a manhunt, and that they want Doggett to run it. Mulder sort of nods and hold up a picture of some of Absalom's cult members, calling it the " alien abductee class picture." He points out that Stupid Census Guy is one of the abductees in the picture. Dum dum dum dum! Mulder has a hunch that Stupid Census Guy was killed because he knew too much. There's a refreshing and unique theory. Scully: Mulder, you make this sound like this is a conspiracy. Mulder: Duh. Skinner: You're paranoid. Mulder: Do you even know me? Actually, he points out that if Kersh gets his way and shuts down the X-Files, there will be no one left to ask the paranoid questions and find the case-breaking faces in photographs. "Especially not Agent Doggett," he finishes. Scully makes yet another pained face. Skinner's all, that's my boyfriend you're talking about!