Within

Um, I'm not quite sure how to put this, but I think we're opening this season in a uterus. Scully's, I presume. There's a low, thudding heartbeat in the background, and, frankly, it's all very reminiscent of the time in ninth grade when my entire class had to watch The Miracle of Life and we followed the development of a fetus from sperm to squalling infant, and every single girl walked out of class vowing never to have sex, ever, because childbirth looked both gross and painful. And this looks like that. And, so, according to that incontestable data, I think we're in the womb. There's...a little hand...another little hand...and another hand, presumably the first hand, again, or Scully has bigger problems than she suspects...and then it's all primordial goo, and Mulder, a la Keanu Reeves in The Matrix struggles up and out of a tub of said goo, as a respirator tube-thing is being yanked roughly out of his mouth. He coughs up a whole wad of goo.

Cut to Scully, waking up with a gasp, breathing hard and sitting straight up in her hospital bed. She sighs, and lays back down, hand protectively over the ole womb.

And credits. They're new and non-improved. Among the "enhancements" is a shot of a fetus, which turns into a sun which is eclipsed by the moon, and a closing shot of Mulder falling backwards into Scully's eyeball. Subtle. And apparently done by a first-year film student at the University of Suck-Ass Special Effects, Where Blue Screens Are Optional.

Apparently, however, the truth is still out there. I'm so relieved. I thought we might have found it after eight freaking years.

Okay, so Chris Carter decided to stick the "Previouslys" in here. An unusual placement, but whatever. Anyway, previously, on The X-Files, Scully was subjected to medical tests which rendered her barren; Mulder spent too much of the FBI's money; the aliens started re-abducting abductees (get it?), but they didn't want Scully, they wanted Mulder instead, God knows why; Skinner saw the alien ship; The Lone Gunmen...uh, were there, but didn't say much of anything; Scully wept to Skinner that they'll find Mulder; on board the alien ship, Mulder came face to face with the Alien Bounty Hunter; Scully told Skinner that she's pregnant, against all odds.

Cue the ethereal, Enya-esque, wordless moaning that passes for music in this episode. Okay, it's actually kind of evocative and effective, but you didn't hear it from me. Scully, fresh from the shower, stares at herself in the mirror of her bathroom.

Scully's "tortured" face.

Scully's "tortured" face, reflected in the mirror.

Scully buttons up her blouse, the camera panning over her barely tumescent belly.

Scully's "proud" face.

Scully's "determined" face.

Cut to the halls of the FBI, where the camera pans up a slo-mo Scully, from her Manolo Blahniks, up her legs, past where her jacket is starting to pull, thanks to the growing, possibly alien child inside her formerly barren womb, to her "slo-mo" face.

Scully's "tired, shell-shocked" face floats down the hall. The music undulates.

Scully takes a deep breath, exits the elevator, and turns the corner, to find various anonymous agents ripping Mulder's office apart. Say goodbye to the ethereal New-Age moaning and groanings. Scully's face goes from "introspective and sad," to "slightly violated and really pissed."

Damn, I'm sorry, but Gillian Anderson is a really good actress.

"What is this?" Scully demands. The Bureau henchmen look up, take her in, and go back to what they were doing. Nice. That's real nice. Scully repeats her question. Henchman #1 brusquely informs her that they are "gathering information." He snatches a few files out of Mulder's cabinet, and explains that the FBI is collecting anything that might be "pertinent to the manhunt." Scully narrows her eyes. "What manhunt?" she snaps. Um, is that a rhetorical question? Because it seems pretty obvious that they're looking for Mulder. Scully angrily tells Henchman #1 that if they're looking for Mulder, they're "wasting [their] time." Henchman shoves a bunch of files into a bag and walks out of the room, dismissively telling Scully that he's not the person to talk to about this. She wonders whose "stupid idea" the MulderHunt is. I wonder how so much paperwork survived the fire that destroyed Mulder's office so recently.

Scully stomps into the office of one Walter Skinner, who is telling someone on the other end of the telephone that he would have appreciated being informed. About, I presume, the MulderHunt. Scully tells Skinner that a bunch of agents are, even as they speak, ripping through Mulder's files. I hope they don't find his porn. Skinner gets up from his desk and bitches that he's aware of the MulderHunt, and that it was not his idea, and that he. Is. Not. Pleased. Scully repeats that they aren't going to find Mulder, not on this planet, anyway, and she reminds him that he knows that. Skinner knows that he knows it, and he promises her that he will find Mulder himself. Skinner then tells Scully to "cool out," because he doesn't want her doing anything that will endanger her tiny, possibly alien fetus. Three things: first: awwwww, he cares. That's kind of sweet. Second: "cool out"? Third: Either the lighting is bad in this scene, or the makeup they're using this season has made both Mitch Pileggi and Gillian Anderson break out in a horrible rash, because they both look like the before pictures in a Proactiv informercial. Scully scoffs that she doesn't understand who could possibly have gone over Skinner's head to order the MulderHunt. Skinner purses his lips and informs her that their new Deputy Director ordered the hunt. Scully looks perplexed, as Skinner's phone rings, and the caller ID informs them both that it is, in fact, said Deputy Director, Kersh. Scully stares at Skinner, Meaningfully. The music swells. Dum dum dum DUM!

Over in his own office, Deputy Director Kersh is packing, presumably in preparation for a move to more palatial digs. He fills a cardboard box with one of those pencil sharpeners where you stick the pencil in Homer Simpson's ass, a couple of Koosh balls, a pencil holder in the shape of a penis, and a mug reading "Best. Deputy. Director. EVER." Okay, not really. It's, like, papers and files and stuff. Anyway, Skinner and Scully storm into the room, and he coolly thanks them for coming by. They glare. Kersh continues by stating that "one of [their] own" is missing, and that he, personally, will not rest until Mulder is safe and sound. And he's sure they agree. Scully rolls her eyes so hard that I'm surprised she can't see down into her own mysteriously fertile womb, where her alien -- or IS IT? -- baby gestates. Skinner awkwardly agrees with Kersh, who sits down and bitches that Mulder's mysterious disappearance could not possibly have come at a more inconvenient time for him, what with the promotion and all. The nerve of some people, getting abducted by aliens just to screw up the Deputy Director's moment of glory. Like, now no one is talking about Kersh and the thrilling details of his promotion at the water cooler. It's all Mulder, Mulder, Mulder.

By the way, the credits are still rolling.

Scully snappishly informs Kersh that, with all due respect, no one at the Bureau is better qualified to track Mulder down than they are. Kersh woke up all scrapey this morning, and sniffs that because she and Skinner are the only witnesses of Mulder's mysterious disappearance, he wants their statements ASAP. Scully shirtily sniffs that Kersh is "making them out to be suspects." Kersh just glares. Skinner wonders who, exactly, will be taking their statements. Kersh explains that the leader of his "task force, Special Agent John Doggett," is waiting to hear from them. Now. Glare. Sniff. Glare. Skinner and Scully are about to exeunt, when Kersh calls them back and informs them in no uncertain terms that should either of them mention anything about aliens, or alien abductions, not only will the MulderHunt be called off, both of them will be out of a job. Period. Open-mouth stare. Tight-lipped glare. Extreme Kersh Close-up. Dismissed!

Scully and Skinner clip-clop down the hallway. Skinner spits that "this isn't about finding Mulder, it's about" doing something to the FBI's ass. My closed captioning isn't working, but I think he used the phrase "carrying the FBI's ass." Is that a real turn of phrase? I'm going to assume that he actually said "covering the FBI's ass," but I listened to it five times, and it sounded like "carrying." This, plus the "cool out" incident has me worried about Skinner. He sounds like he's trying to be all down with the kids today, but is, instead, failing miserably. If he uses the phrase "bling bling" at any time in the (oh, dear God) forty-six minutes, I'm going to put this empty Ruffles bag over my head and hope for sweet, sweet death. Scully sniffs that "they'd be happy if we never found [Mulder] at all." Skinner rubs his bald head. Scully looks like she has indigestion. As they arrive at the interrogation room, The Bald One turns to the Miraculously Impregnated One and tells her passionately that he saw what he saw in the woods, and that he isn't going to lie about it. Scully reminds him of Kersh's threats, and tells him that they'll "hang [him]" with the truth. Skinner dramatically intones that they can hang him just as easily with a lie. He whispers that he isn't going to sell Mulder out. Scully looks sympathetic, then conflicted, and then reminds him that he can't possibly help Mulder if he's out of a job. Skinner purses his lips. "We will find him," Scully hisses. Skinner stares at her intently, and opens the door.

MulderHunt HQ. Skinner is shown to the back of the war room by an anonymous agent, as Scully is asked to "wait on the wall" for her turn. That sounds awfully grisly to me. After one meaningful glance and a prolonged stare, Scully finally takes her seat, to a man we all know is John "T2" Doggett. She doesn't know that yet, but I don't feel like coming up with some whack nickname for him, when we all know who he is. He is in the credits, after all.

Sitting. Sitting. Sitting. Shifting in chair. Sitting. Scully looks like she might start to cry. Sitting. Sitting. Wow, this is fascinating. Doggett, with a glance at Scully, gets up. Sitting. Sitting. Sitting. Scully watches Skinner, way at the back of the room. He's sitting, too. Sitting.

Doggett returns, paper cup of water in his hand. He offers it to Scully, telling her that it might be a while. She looks at him, and takes it. Doggett sits down and wonders if Scully wasn't Mulder's partner. When she agrees, shortly, that she was, he laconically comments that everyone must be under suspicion. Scully looks at him askance and asks why he's being questioned. Doggett explains that he "knew Mulder back a bit" and that he's working on a character profile. Scully comments dryly that they ought to know enough about Mulder by this point. Doggett hypothesizes that we humans never know each other completely, and that certainly people who only work together are unlikely to be conversant with the intimate details of one another's life, "their real lives, friends, girlfriends, issues." Scully looks skeptical, as is her wont. "I think I know Mulder as much as anybody," she says shortly. I'll bet. Doggett agrees with her, commenting that he never "believed the rumors" anyway. Scully wonders to what rumors he is referring, probably suspecting that the rest of the FBI -- like most of America -- was under the impression that that she and Mulder were banging a gong and getting it on. Doggett, not looking up from his notepad, comments that he's referring to rumors that Mulder never really accepted or trusted her as a partner, that she was "ambitious." Scully snorts. Can I just sidebar for a moment to ask what the deal is with women and ambition still being viewed as a negative combination in this, the twenty-first freaking century? This issue of ambitious women came up last week on The West Wing, too, and I'd just like to say that there is nothing wrong with being female, and having ambition. Period. So there. ["Aw, that's sweet. Now, go get me a cup of coffee, doll. (Just kidding.)" -- Wing Chun] Doggett informs Scully softly that "there were women at the Bureau [Mulder] confided in." He didn't know if she knew that. You can tell from her face that she didn't, and I hypothesize that it's because that simply isn't true. I think our new little friend Agent Doggett is playing a little mind game with poor hormonal Agent Scully. Doggett looks at her and says, "It's just talk." Scully stares off into the distance, thoughtfully, probably thinking about her burgeoning love child. Who, for the record, and I'm only speculating here, I think is Mulder's. Conversationally, Doggett asks what "her theory is." Scully, no idiot she, looks off into the distance a beat longer, then turns to him and spits that "[her] theory is that [he] doesn't know Mulder at all. And never did." She reaches over and looks at his badge. "John Doggett," she reads. "Kersh's. Task. Force. Leader. You might have just introduced yourself." Doggett half-smiles and says that he was getting to that. Scully, slowly, stands, and flings her full glass of water in Doggett's face. "Nice to meet you, Agent Doggett," she spits, and storms out. Wow, when did this show go all Titans on us? thing you know, Scully will be having a child of indeterminate lineage. Oh, wait....

House of Scully. Our Pregnant Protagonist sits in front of her computer, doing a little research on her new arch-nemesis, Special Agent John "All Wet" Doggett. Cue waily music. Doggett was a Marine, part of a peacekeeping force in Lebanon and a detective for the NYPD prior to his career with the FeeBees. How much you want to bet that Lebanon surfaces again, somehow? Just a hunch. "Eh ah he ha eeeeee. Ooooooh," the music wails as Scully turns green, takes off her glasses, runs to the bathroom and hurls. "Ahhhhhh HAAAAAA haaaaa," the music tells us, as Scully washes her mouth out and looks at her impregnated out-of-wedlock self in the mirror some more. "AHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh," squeals the music, as Scully calls her mother and, because nothing ever goes right for this women, naturally get the machine in this, her hour of need. She leaves a message, which starts out perfectly calm, and turns anguished, with basic conclusion that she needs her Mommy. Just as her voice starts to crack, the phone line starts to crackle, and Scully looks at the phone, and her face goes from lost and stressed and confused and alone to really, really pissed. She hangs up, and goes to look out the window, and there, in the rain, is a man in a suit looking up at her. She backs away from the window and calls Doggett. She snaps at him to leave her alone and he does that "who is this?" schtick as Scully wonders angrily how many phones he's tapped, and how many agents he's having surveiled. Doggett sputters. "Is this Agent Scully?" he asks. "Thank you, you just answered all my questions!" Scully snaps, and slams the phone down. Scully looks out the window. We're treated to a gratuitous Gillian Anderson boob shot.

Someone starts stomping around in the hallway outside Scully's door. My, these thugs, whoever they may be, aren't particularly circumspect. Haven't they heard of tiptoeing? Dude. Scully whips around just time to see a shadow under her doorway, as if someone is loitering right outside, with murderous intent. Or, you know, leaving her a menu for Thai Taley Tasty Takeout. Scully grabs her gun, sidles up to her door, and steps into the now empty hallway. Leaving her door wide open -- which, call me crazy, seems really dumb, especially if there is, in fact, a lunatic in the building -- Scully races down the hall, down a bunch of stairs to the floor below and is about to race down that hallway when she is waylaid by an open window. She turns on her heel, points her gun into the night and demands that whoever it is clabbering around on the fire escape (in the rain, mind you) "hold it right there!" But see, it's not a henchmen of the Bureau, or an alien, or a shape-shifter, or Mulder -- it's Scully's beleaguered landlord, who was just fixing something on the roof. Scully apologizes, and explains that "there was a man in the building." Her poor landlord seems nonplussed, and tells her that she knows the man in the building, that he's the "tall man, brown hair," that works with her. Mulder. Hmmmmm. That's interesting.