An old Wurlitzer jukebox drops a needle, and suddenly we're watching the Girls of the Top 12 sing the first verse of "A-B-C, 1-2-3" on a stage that's dressed up like a '50s malt shop. Each singer gets a line to solo on, with their names and voting numbers already on the screen to them. Wasting no time here, I see. Then the Boys sing a bit of "Signed, Sealed, Delivered," in the same style, though someone forgot to put up poor Tim Olstad's name and number. Dude can't catch a break. The Over 25s sing "I'll Be There," and the Groups sing "Dancin' in the Streets" before everyone turns to the tiny screen of a black & white TV where Mario introduces the show like he's the Main Brain Vince Fontaine or something. And this is all because it's Motown Night and dammit, this show is going to work the shit out of that.
That opening number must have been prerecorded, because Mario steps out onto a totally transformed stage moments later, dressed like young Dick Clark. He remarks on Kelly's new short haircut while asking her thoughts about Motown. Guess what? She's for it. Mario tells us that this is the first time all season we get to vote, and tells us that after last week's winnowing down to the top twelve, the judges decided to bring someone back. And it's once and future Boy Josh Levi, in yet another demonstration of what a flake Paulina is and as yet another subtle fuck-you to Tim Olstad. Paulina introduces Josh, but before he gets to sing, we flash back to last week when Paulina gave the last slot in her top three to Tim instead of Josh, complete with Josh's shocked reaction. And them Mario shows up at dinner with Josh and his mom -- and the cameras, of course -- to tell him he's back in it. We don't see Mario picking up the check, though. The intro reel continues with Josh's reunion with Paulina, and he says he has "only one shot at a second chance." Um…
Josh sings "Who's Loving You" by the Jackson 5, sticking with simple staging under yellow spotlights and no choreography, which seems understandably risk-averse. It keeps the focus on his singing, which is quite a bit stronger than last week's. Voting info starts filling up the screen already as Demi says that Paulina was smart to bring him back, Kelly likes the notes he chose, and Simon says he went from zero to hero, which nobody ever gets tired of hearing. Paulina tells him he's the youngest one in the competition, and she got lots of opportunities at his age. And look at her now. As for Josh, he looks a lot happier than he did last week. Mario tells us that each singer gets to keep the same voting number all season, so we might as well just plug them into our phones. Yeah, that's going to happen.
Rachel Potter is , and her intro reel portrays her as the wide-eyed little girl who moved to Nashville instead of the long-in-the-tooth 29-year-old who showed up at the first round of auditions. And yes, she's a country singer, but it's not like she's ever sung any actual country songs on this show anyway. Tonight she's doing "This Old Heart of Mine" by the Isley Brothers, and we get to see her rehearsing with Kelly. The actual performance is, shocker, a country version of the song, and she seems to be having fun working the stage. Or at least working her ass off to look like she's having fun. Demi says she's improved a lot since the Four-Chair Challenge and is worried about the threat Rachel poses to Demi's own category. Simon thought it was horrible, though I think he hated the arrangement more than her actual singing. Kelly says Simon's just talking that way because he's worried about her too, but I suspect he's just being Simon. Mario asks Rachel for her reaction to Simon's remarks, and she pulls out the old "I liked it, did you?" number on the audience. So at least she knows how to play the game.
Mario throws it back to Paulina. She actually catches it, and introduces Carlos Guevara, complete with a repeat of his backstory (small town, Tourette's, supportive community, we all know it by now). He's shown working with Paulina and a vocal coach on "What's Going On" by Marvin Gaye. And then he sings it in what starts out as his worst performance yet. I think it's taking him a while to find what key he's supposed to be in, and he's having trouble staying there. At least he's ditched his hobo-looking knit cap and is enjoying himself, even if I'm not. Kelly loves the song, and loves Carlos, but not necessarily together. Simon says this kind of show is all about moments, and he's just not providing those right now, preferring to slouch around and stare down at the stage. Simon is not wrong. Paulina maintains that he did great, and when Mario asks Carlos for his reaction and, he gets through a standard pageant answer without throwing any tics even after getting some negative feedback. So maybe the two things that work for him are music and negative feedback?
Restless Road is , and we see them riding horses and playing pool while talking about the challenge that Motown week presents for a country group like them, at least until they start jumping on the table. In rehearsal, Simon tells them that it's all about picking the right song, which he thinks they have. They end up doing a country version of "Easy" by the Commodores (and Faith No More, don't forget) while sitting on the stage among a bunch of trunks stenciled with their logo as though they're already on tour even though they barely exist. The lighting's totally '70s with their faces projected all giant on the screens behind them, and I have to disagree with Simon; this is not the right song. Demi takes some shots at Simon's age (which, unlike hers, is greater than the song's) in the course of saying he did a good job. Paulina says something about their "special magic," but calls one of them "peetchy." Kelly says she wasn't expecting their improvement in harmony, and Simon name-drops Lionel Richie, who thought it was a great idea when Simon talked to him about it last weekend, and Simon talks about the inevitability of their being in the finals. Yes, they really could be the Emblem3.
Mario needs to stop dancing every time he welcomes us back from the break. I'm not finding it at all welcoming. Demi introduces Ellona Santiago with a mention of the SATs she just took, on top of everything else going on with her. Her intro reel shows her simultaneously multitasking with both study books and lyric sheets this last week, which I am totally sure happened. The stress apparently got to her at some point, and Demi bucked her up a little bit. But Ellona still seems careful not to tip her head and risk any of this over-packed knowledge falling out of her ears. She gives an energetic, nearly acrobatic performance of "Baby Love," with a lot of blinding purple sequins and neon and a big long note tacked on at the very end just for shits and giggles. Kelly calls her a little powerhouse and gives her props for pursuing her education. Simon was expecting to hate it, but says she nailed it, and says she has the eyes of a killer. And he would know. Demi's proud of her, though she pauses in mid-praise to snap at Simon to shut his face. Mario asks Ellona about her SAT performance, which she's also feeling pretty good about right now. The difference is that she isn't going to have to take the SATs again week.
We see Jeff Gutt hanging out and playing guitar with his five-year-old son Talon, who clearly knows on which side both their bread is buttered. Jeff's feeling the pressure of actually being from Detroit, especially as a rock singer, but Kelly told him to just be himself. But he's singing "Say You, Say Me" nonetheless. Admittedly, you have to give credit to anyone who can sell the line, "I had a dream, I had an awesome dream." Also, his arrangement takes the most jarring bridge in '80s music and manages to make it…less jarring. And now we know what Bon Jovi would have sounded like on the White Knights soundtrack. Paulina says it was unpredictable and she loved his energy. Simon, contrary to his own expectations, thought it was not only outstanding, but the best vocal of the night. Kelly says she knows it's been tough for him to be away from his son, but this performance showed another layer. Can't argue with that part.
Simon introduces Alex & Sierra, and we see him working with them on their arrangement of "Heard it Through the Grapevine," which he is calling risky. Now he's got Sierra worried, at least until Alex decides to chill her out by having them jump in a pool with their clothes on. Their performance starts out dependent on Sierra's voice and Alex's guitar, but then he joins in and they do that slinky harmony thing they do. I think they were a little too worried about their melody changes, because it wasn't like it was any more radical than what they normally do. Demi has to wait so long for the crowd noise to die down she doesn't even get to finish her comment. Paulina says it felt organic and natural but she wants them to kiss at the end of a song at some point, like Mitch and Mickey in A Mighty Wind or something. Demi takes another shot at it, saying she wasn't thrilled with them last week but they were all sexy and hot this time. Simon respects them for sticking to their arrangement like real artists. And then Mario asks Alex what it's like to be doing this competition with his girlfriend, and he answers exactly the way she wanted him to.
Demi introduces Khaya Cohen, whose dad is in the house and wants her to keep up her education as well. Demi is a little worried about the added pressure on Khaya that results from that, when I think she should just be worried about Khaya. She's doing a version of "My Girl" with some kind of dorky classroom-themed production, which fortunately doesn't detract too much from how this is probably the best she's done yet. I mean, yeah, she over-Winehouses a bit, but subtlety doesn't get anybody anywhere on these shows. Dad is shown proudly applauding like maybe he's not such a dick after all. Kelly loved it and doesn't mind telling her. Simon also says she sounded like Amy Winehouse, though unlike me he loved the staging. Demi's topic sentence is "Yaaaay!" and she goes on to say that Khaya's voice might be the best in the competition. Okay, let's not get carried away here. Sending it to ads, Mario tells us that no one will be back week unless we vote. Can we test that assertion, please?
Carlito Olivera is feeling the pressure to live up to last week's triumph, and is a little worried about bringing the room with a slow version of an upbeat song to boot. Paulina tells him that it needs to be "up" regardless, and she seems to have meant that literally, because Carlito does his "Stop in the Name of Love" ballad from atop a six-foot pedestal with female dancers writhing at his feet. They've clearly multiplied since last week. Kelly likes the way he pours himself into a song, but he needs to be conscious of the, you know, notes. Simon says it reminded him of a dream he had last night, and calls it "a little bit girly," whatever that means. Paulina says he did good and that Simon is "kind of right," but Carlito is still improving. He tells Mario that he put his heart into it and hopes for the best. Talking like a champion, right there.
Kelly introduces the hottest grandmother she knows, and she clearly loves just saying the name "Lillie McCloud." Lillie is still stinging from Simon telling her last week that she came off dated, and then getting saddled with a Motown theme causes her to emit a scream that spontaneously turns up the volume on my TV. She pitches a "different vision" to Kelly, who shoots it down and tells Lillie not to worry about Simon, though in an interview Kelly seems pretty irritated with Simon for putting that thought in Lillie's 54-year-old head. Lillie shows up on the stage in a slinky, sparkly white dress to do a simple, smoky version of Stevie Wonder's "All in Love is Fair" that you can see shutting Simon up as it happens. Demi marvels at her voice and her stage presence, but says it was still a bit dated and that she wanted to see Lillie move around a little more. Kelly's pretty pissed about this, but when she gets up from her chair it's Simon she takes it out on, probably for starting this whole "dated" narrative in the first place, and yells at him to say something. With Kelly looming over him, Simon stands by his comments from last week, but then everyone cheers when he says that this was one of his favorite…Stevie Wonder songs. Did they not hear the end of the sentence? He does go on to say that it was absolutely fantastic. Way to hang Demi out to dry there. But at least Kelly is in a much better mood now.
After Simon introduces Sweet Suspense, their intro reel is all about how Summer, the most experienced of the trio at the ripe old age of 17, is pretty much carrying the other two. For Motown night, they're doing Kim Wilde's '80s version of "Keep Me Hanging On," complete with '80s staging, costumes, and of course synths. I guess it might be a little much to ask these teenagers to go back five decades instead of just three. Paulina totally buys it, and Demi wants to make sure Simon doesn't get all the credit for putting them together because she totally helped! Kelly says that Sweet Suspense can be the big girl group that's totally absent from the market right now. Which of course causes Simon to rather shirtily remind everyone that Fifth Harmony still exists, before he says that Sweet Suspense has made a lot of progress in the last two weeks. High praise indeed.
Rion Paige from Demi's Girls category is the latest country performer to have to take on a Motown song. Demi coaches her to reveal her vulnerable side, so she ends up doing a mid-tempo, countryish version of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" that is, sorry, dull as hell. She's obviously a tough kid, but Demi is already starting to do that thing she did last year where she tried to show more sides of her acts and ended up showing mostly soft, weak underbellies. Kelly's got only nice things to say about Rion, but not the version of the song so much. Simon was worried about Rion losing her country roots last week, but he thinks she pulled it off this time. Demi says she came off more genuine after all the work they put in to Rion lowering her wall. You know, I think someone who can't catch a ball thrown at her is entitled to shelter behind a wall or two.
Finally, Paulina introduces Tim Olstad as "the people's choice boy," referring to how the crowd intimidated her into bringing him back after she eliminated him during the Four-Chair Challenge. Simon's remark last time about Tim being like a funeral director has apparently been echoing in his head ever since, with an assist from the editors, and it's made for a tough week of rehearsal week for him. "I'm not a funeral director," he insists. And tonight he sets out to prove it by integrating color into his wardrobe and smiling stiffly while he sings "I'll Be There." Honestly, compared to last week it's like the difference between night and earlier in the night. Demi says he has a great voice and that sounded like an incredible karaoke song. She thinks he's a lot more adult contemporary than Top 40, and Kelly agrees that with a voice like his, he needs to do more. Simon decides to really mess with Tim this week, telling him that he really liked it. Ooooh, that's a major mindfuck. Simon goes on to compare Tim to Donny Osmond or Josh Groban. Paulina calls him a "work in process," which I think she means as a compliment, and says he's "the choice of the people." In other words, she's dissociating herself from this kid as quickly as possible. Mario comes out and makes the point out that Donny Osmond has had a very long career. Yeah, so it's not a total insult, Tim.
Now that all the singers have done their thing, Mario announces that the phone lines are open and the recap reel is rolled. After that interminable epic, Mario tells us that the final thirteen, now onstage with him, will be the final twelve by the end of tomorrow night. That's fine, but what's wrong with going right to a final eleven? After all, I will always remember my favorite part of last season: all the double eliminations.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.