Well, it's a good thing that the first few weeks were all about the singers auditioning on an elaborate stage in front of packed auditoriums, because otherwise this thing where the finalists hang out at the judges' houses would seem a little chintzy. Like they couldn't afford to rent a church basement for a week or something. I'm sure I'll feel differently when I see the judges' homes. Anyway, the thousands who auditioned have been culled down into 32 acts, and those acts have been divided into four categories, each one to be mentored at a different judge's house. The "Boys" will be at L.A. Reid's place in the Hamptons, the "Girls" at Simon Cowell's joint in France (and thank God the place will be teeming with cameras is all I can say), the "Groups" at Paula Abdul's place in Santa Barbara, and the "Over 30s" at Nicole Scherzinger's house in Malibu. And the 32 will be trimmed down to 16, in what I'm sure these previews aren't spoilers for at all.
After the titles, Steve is standing in front of the Eiffel tower, wearing a black-and-white striped t-shirt. He forgot his beret and cigarette. He warns us that this could be the toughest two days of the top 32's lives, as they scatter around the world for the phase of the competition. "This is Judges' Houses." I wonder how long they tried to think of a better name for that. Not long enough, I think. It turns out that the contestants still don't know which judge they're getting; only a destination. I'm sure if the show thought it could get away with packing everyone on four windowless C-130 transport planes and flying them around for an equal amount of time so nobody knew where they were going, it would. But soon, the eight girls are in Paris, riding a water taxi and taking photos of the Eiffel Tower, like the world's slowest season of The Amazing Race. Meanwhile, Simon gets off his yacht and into his Corvette to drive home, where the girls are already hanging out waiting to find out who their mentor is, like a guy with Simon's ego isn't going to have every inch of wall space plastered with clues. Still, they act all excited when he comes out the back door to join them on the patio. Simon's happy too, because he tells them he knows the winner is in that category. I hope he means the winner of the competition.
The Groups show up at Paula's place, and they've narrowed it down to Paula or Nicole. Remember that included with the six preexisting groups are two Frankengroups the judges threw together at the literal last minute of Boot Camp: a sprawling crew called Intensity and four of the loser girls called Lakoda Rayne. Is it fair to pit two new groups of ex-soloists against six groups that have practiced together for years? Is it fair to the existing groups to throw a pair of "supergroups" into the mix? Well, that's Paula's problem, not mine, and I'm sure she'll rise to the occasion. She reveals herself to them in her backyard and is immediately swarmed. Paula reminds them all that she specializes in groups, so she's happy to be working with them. And here I thought they sent the groups there because she has the most bedrooms.
The Over 30s show up, thinking they're at Simon's or L.A.'s house, but of course it's Nicole. They pretended to be as excited about her as she pretended to be about them. She assures them that she knows what it takes, and promises, "I am the hardest worker you'll ever meet." Well, yeah, but they're musicians, so is that saying much?
The Boys show up at L.A.'s sprawling ranch house, which has a beach and a lake. They're all excited, and L.A. promises to give his full attention to them, over the business of running a record company. Which I thought he walked away from?
Commercials. Looks like tonight's episode, which was supposed to air yesterday instead of tonight, will air Sunday instead. Same time as The Amazing Race, in other words. Damn you, baseball rain delay!
After a recap of the first act, the judges-cum-mentors reveal to their groups that they've brought in other people from the music industry to help out. And what lame has-beens or never-weres are they trotting out? Oh, never mind! Nicole invited Enrique Iglesias to help with the Over 30s, Paula brought in Pharrell to work with the groups, but when it's time to reveal Simon's special guest, Steve says that person "has sold over 200 million albums! Is a worldwide superstar! And unfortunately not here!" You go, Steve. Long, awkward pause, as Simon reveals to the girls with some embarrassment, "It was going to be Mariah Carey." Whoa. But Mimi's grounded by Hurricane Irene, so Simon will be on his own. Oh, and also unable to make it at the last minute were Adele, George Clooney, the Beatles, and the Dalai Lama, but what're you gonna do? L.A., meanwhile introduces the boys to none other than Rihanna, so I'd have to say he wins this round.
We're finally getting to actual auditions. It should be mentioned that the contestants are each singing a song chosen for them by the judges, which explains what would otherwise seem like a lot of really bad decisions. The first to rock L.A.'s back yard will be Brian "Stop Looking at My Moms" Bradley, who impressed L.A. at his first audition but then L.A. decided at Boot Camp that Brian was just too young. Brian reveals his nickname, "Astro," and when Steve asks him if the size of the house intimidates him. Brian's like, no, he'll be living in a house like this one day himself. Sure he will. L.A. and Rihanna settle down in cushy lawn furniture on his back deck, which serves as Brian's stage while he raps to a recorded track. Rihanna, who's hearing him for the first time, looks impressed but L.A.'s just doing that head-shaking thing he does when he's into something. After he leaves the deck, L.A. and Rihanna wonder what America will like Brian as a bona fide star or as a cute novelty act. Are those the only two options?
First up at Casa Cowell is Simone Battle, whose retrospective clip package reminds us of how much her arrogant ass is in need of a reality check. Beyond forgetting all her lyrics at her final Boot Camp audition, which apparently didn't do the trick. She walks up to Simon on his pool deck and, accompanied by a pianist and guitarist sitting off to the side, sings a slow version of the Beatles' "Help." Is this supposed to be her showing a vulnerable side? I'm not buying it. Hard to tell if Simon is, motionless behind his aviators. "Well done, you," he congratulates her at the end. He liked it, of course, not that anyone's giving feedback to the contestants at this stage. It takes a vocal coach and two music producers to add up to one Mariah Carey, and they squat obsequiously around Simon, trying not to offend him by disagreeing with Little Simon.
Paula and Pharrell gather the groups in the kitchen, where I'm sure one of the girls is regretting wearing that black-and-white outfit with the bowtie. Standing to Paula's counter, she looks like a cater waiter. Paula and Pharrell try to buck everyone up while warning them that they won't all make it through. The first group to perform will be best friends The Anser, who drove twelve hours to the Seattle auditions and ended up at the back of the cattle call line at five in the morning. And left their W at a rest stop along the way somewhere, too. They're confident of winning the five million dollar prize, but they're off to a shaky start when they present themselves on Paula's backyard patio and Pharrell notices that the guy with the red glasses isn't wearing them. I guess the guest judges got to see tapes of the auditions anyway, or at least Pharrell did. Singing "Less Than Perfect" to the accompaniment of a piano and a guitar, they impress Paula and Pharrell, the latter of whom is still hung up on the kid with the glasses. Or without the glasses. Who will never be without them again.
Off to Chez Scherzinger in Malibu, starting with Dexter Haygood, the homeless guy from Memphis who needs to stop imitating Mick Jagger and James Brown onstage, like twenty years ago. Tearfully, he says this is the biggest thing in his life, after thinking he was washed up. On Nicole's pool deck, he does "Crazy in Love" with a lot more energy and enjoyment that what one might strictly call skill, dancing and throwing in plenty of Little Richard screaming. "I would have liked to have heard the song a little more," Nicole says uncertainly once he's gone. And back with Steve, Dexter's worried about having forgotten some of the words and thus missing out on the step of the competition. So of course he collapses sobbing into Steve's arms. Steve gives Dexter as much encouragement as he can, but he's secretly like, "Why am I the only one who has to do all four categories?"
Back to the Reid Ranch in the Hamptons, and the 16-year-old African-American country singer Skyelor Anderson is . We're reminded how he kept singing when his track cut off during his first audition, which was a show of gumption more impressive than his actual singing, if you ask me. Skyelor tells us about watching his father die of cancer, and losing a brother in a robbery shooting, all of which is tragic, and then adds that he wants to be the youngest black country singer. Dude, you're there. He joins L.A. and Rihanna on L.A.'s deck, perching on a stool to sing "Nobody Knows it But Me." He's got live musicians this time, and unfortunately he didn't tip them to stop ten seconds into it to cover what I still think is kind of a weak voice. But after he leaves, Rihanna and L.A. seem impressed, although L.A. wonders about Skyelor's authenticity as a country artist. Is that why he made him sing a Babyface song? To flush him out?
Back to France, where it's Tora Woloshin's turn. She's the tattooed mechanic from Tucson, as we're reminded by clips of her clambering around a giant pickup. She's having a little trouble learning the song Simon picked for her, though, and seems pretty nervous about it in an interview. Turns out she's doing a techno remix of "Satisfaction," like, who doesn't know "Satisfaction?" and she's too busy trying to remember the words to put on much of a show. Afterwards, she confesses to Steve that she forgot some of them anyway, while Simon and his flunkies agree that Tora has some star quality, yet somehow fell short of awesome. Maybe if they let her sing while working on a truck.
At Paula's house, it's time for the first Frankengroup. Paige, Haley, Cari, and Dani (like you remember them all individually either) came in as soloists, got the boot at the end of Boot Camp, and then got hauled back to be thrown into a country pop group. For the first time, we learn more about their actual reaction to that news. Paige, for instance, wanted to drop out right away rather than let the others down (or, more likely, split the prize). But then they all converged on Cari's house in New Jersey to practice and take a lot of grainy home videos of it. And their band name, Lakoda Rayne, apparently means allied and blessings from above. So there you go. And they're about to give their first performance ever as a group. We'll see how it goes. They take the stage (actually a shiny parquet patio that looks rather slippery to dance on) and sing a country version of "Born This Way." You heard me. Their choreography isn't exactly in sync, but they don't sound actively bad. Once they're done, Paula thanks them, but before leaving, one of them gives a speech about being thrown together and not having much time and wanting to keep going. Of course they do, there's 1.25 million dollars in it for each of them. That's still 1.25 mill more than they were going to get the first time they lost the competition.
One ad break and twenty minutes of previouslies covering the first hour of the episode later, Steve and his NYC t-shirt say this is the biggest challenge of their lives. Even the Over 30s? Speaking of whom, desperate mom Stacy Francis is about to sing for Nicole and Enrique at Chez Scherzinger. She interviews that she's changing her mind about being good enough, in her borrowed dress and shoes. She seems a lot less desperate, actually, and is treating this more like a competition that she might actually do well in rather than end up on a train to Poland. Her song is "Purple Rain," and it's amazing, and spectacular, and after she's done, the familiar Stacy Francis tears and desperation come flooding back. Which, sadly, is the only thing about her that worries Nicole.
Back to Villa Abdul, where 14-year-old Nathan and 17-year-old Justin, a.k.a. the Brewer Boys and their mirror-image shags, interview about the places they've sung, and rehearse on Paula's porch with a guitar and a mandolin. They hop up on stools on Paula's patio and sing Rihanna's "Only Girl in the World." Imagine it sung by a harmonizing, teenage version of Mumford & Sons and you might have some idea how it goes. Their harmonies are on total lockstep, though, it's weird. After they leave, Paula and Pharrell talk about whether "good" is "good enough." Or whether two thirds of a Jonas Brothers is enough, more like.
At the Reid Ranch, Philip the hipster-cheeseball is going to have to sing a Rihanna song as well, but to Rihanna. Which he has the good sense to be stressed about. He's also worried that L.A. won't like his style, which is understandable. And L.A. wouldn't be the only one. Before he comes on, L.A. tells Rihanna, "I couldn't do that." Nice of him to ask Philip to, then. Sure enough, Philip croons a jazzy version of "Please Don't Stop the Music." They actually seem impressed, although they're not convinced it works commercially. But what do L.A.'s vineyards think? No matter how long the camera stays on them, they don't seem to have anything to add.
Wait, wasn't this only going to be an hour and a half? I guess not. By the time this is over, I'll be older than Elaine Gibbs, the 53-year-old wedding singer who's about to perform for Nicole and Enrique. She sings a big loud ballad I don't know, impressing Enrique with her confidence, at least. But after she's left the stage, Nicole and Enrique share concerns about whether a 53-year-old woman can become a superstar. They'd probably be more relaxed if they'd just realize that none of these people are likely to be superstars.
Caitlin Koch, the 21-year-old rugby player/coach who impressed both Simon and Little Simon with her slow version of "Stop in the Name of Love," is about to perform at Casa Cowell. All she has to say to Simon before singing to him is, "I hope you're ready." Looks like he sent her back to the classic girl-group well, because she's doing a version of "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow," the same way she did her first audition. Try to be amazed that Simon threw the hot blonde a softball. And she hits it hard, of course. She gives props to the musicians while leaving the deck, and Simon gushes to his flunkies, who diplomatically agree, "Not necessarily the most exciting, but there's something about her." Certainly not the short dress.
It's time for Nick Voss (the guy with Vanilla Elvis hair) to sing for L.A. and Rihanna, and we see that at the Boot Camp auditions, he also pulled a Simone Battle by forgetting the words onstage. He reminds us that he's useless as anything but a performer, so we'll see how he does at that. L.A. is making him stretch by singing "Everybody Wants to Rule the World." In this more intimate setting, without the dance moves and the hollering he usually relies on, he doesn't come off so well. In fact, L.A. and Rihanna look at him through most of it like, "Really?" But Nick thinks he did a great job. Glad he's happy with it.
Back to Santa Barbara, where group 4Shore is about to do their thing at Villa Abdul. They're determined to chase their dream and all that, and in front of Paula and Pharrell, they do their usual thing with the harmonies and the choreography, although both seem tighter than they have before. They go talk to Steve while Paula and Pharrell agree that their only drawback is being too clean. Better than the opposite, especially on that shiny dance floor.
James Kenney, who we've barely seen, is getting ready to sing for us, telling us about his five jobs that he's really hoping he doesn't have to go back to. He's counting husband and father among those five, so he'd probably be cool with holding onto those. He sings a song I don't know, which Nicole and Enrique take very seriously. They just wonder if he'd be better as a band's frontman than as a solo artist. Well, is it too late to make up a band to put him in? Wouldn't be the first time.
Time for Drew Ryniewicz, the 14-year-old Justin Bieber fan, if that's not redundant. She's loving France, and being one of the eight final girls who get to work with Simon, and walking around like she's shooting a video yearbook. Her sit-down performance of "It Must Have Been Love" by Roxette sounds an awful lot better than it looks, with her nervous stare at Simon's inscrutable face through the whole thing. She nails the singing, and Simon and the flunkies marvel about her being only 14, wondering if that's too young. Well, plenty of future, at least.
That's it for tonight -- 16 left to sing, and they'll do it Sunday, and half of them will get cut, and the judges will be really sad about that. Some singers might be too, but that would be telling.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.