We start out with a review of what happened on RAW: Earl Hebner told Stone Cold that he had to meet with Stephanie. Austin demanded a title shot. Stephanie told Austin that he had to sell beer and hotdogs to the crowd to get a title shot. Austin beat up a beer vendor. Austin squirted mustard on Stephanie's shirt, and then sold all of his wares to the Acolytes. He gave his beer holder to Stephanie. She came up with a convoluted scheme whereby Austin might get a title match, if he beats William Regal. Austin ripped the cart from Stephanie, which took her shirt off as well. Stephanie ran to the back in her bra. Stephanie refereed the match between Austin and Regal. Austin ended up shoving Stephanie out of the ring. Regal ended up rolling up Austin for the pin, and Stephanie did a fast count, then ran out of the ring. The Austin-McMahon war continues.
Tonight, Stone Cold is waiting for Stephanie to arrive.
We learn that Chris Jericho is still using the "Y2J" thing, even though it's 2001, as he comes down to the ring. Jericho starts talking until Benoit comes out and interrupts him. Benoit denigrates Jericho's "funny lines," "little pictures," and "catch phrases." I think my crush on Jericho is getting out of hand. I'm like a teenager over here. Anyway, their match begins. Just when it looks like Jericho will win, the Radicalz come out and mess things up. Terri bought some of those "fake erect nipple" things over the holidays. At least I hope those are fake. The Hardy Boyz and Lita come out and save Jericho. Interesting alliance. It's like they said, "Kim, who are your favorite wrestlers? We'd like to pair them all up." Aw, thanks, WWF!
A limo arrives. William Regal gets out and announces into a cell phone that Stone Cold is not around. No sooner are the words out of his mouth than Stone Cold attacks. Eventually, Stone Cold leaves Regal on the hood of the limo, and then gets in and rams the limo into a mess of boxes, so that Regal goes flying. Austin gets out and slams Regal with a metal pipe. Finally a bunch of refs show up to pull Austin off. Am I supposed to be rooting for Austin here? Because he's scaring me.
After the break, we see Regal being worked on by paramedics.
Edge and Christian come out with their Tag Team belts as the announcers remind us that they don't have a match booked tonight. The champs join the announcers, and Michael Cole tells us that the match will determine who will meet Edge and Christian at the Royal Rumble. The match is between the Dudley Boyz and Bull Buchanan and the Good Father. Seriously, if RTC wins, I'm boycotting the Royal Rumble. Okay, not really. I love the Royal Rumble! All the anticipation of who will come running out ! The match begins, and the crowd starts chanting, "We want tables!" More interesting than the match is the commentary by Edge and Christian. Have you seen their new Stacker 2 commercial? Hilarious. Edge and Christian rip on Mick Foley, former WWF Commissioner. Then Edge tells Michael Cole he has a "Backstreet Boys haircut" and Christian imagines that Cole must tell the hairdresser, "Can you reekasize me? I'm not feeling fourteen-year-old-girlish enough." Ha! These two should be at the announce table every week. Just as the Dudleyz are about to set Good Father up for the 3D, Edge and Christian interfere. Instead, the Dudleyz get the 3D on Bull Buchanan and win the match, as well as a title shot at the Royal Rumble.
William Regal is loaded into an ambulance. Michael Cole tells us that this could happen to Stephanie tonight.
Stone Cold is still waiting outside. Debra walks up to him and tells him to calm down, that he's "out of control." God, she's terrible. Why couldn't he have beaten her up instead of Regal? Oh, they're married in real life. I forgot.
The announcers discuss that The Rock wants revenge against Kurt Angle for costing The Rock a WWF title shot on Monday night. The Rock fought Kane for the chance to take on Angle, and Angle interfered. After they get done setting up the match, Kevin Kelley interviews The Rock backstage. Rocky plugs the upcoming Royal Rumble, saying that he wants to win the Rumble in order to get a shot at the title at Wrestlemania. Oh, so I guess that means two things. One, Kurt Angle won't be part of the Royal Rumble. And two, the winner of the Rumble won't automatically become champion, as rumored. The Rock goes on to say that tonight he is only concerned with giving Angle "the beating of a lifetime." It's an uncharacteristically serious, un-funny interview from The People's Champ. Bleh.
It's time for a Royal Rumble replay. Bret Hart tosses a hairier, fatter Jerry Lawler out of the ring.
Kurt Angle strolls down to the ring to meet The Rock. Before the match, Angle has a few things to say. He thinks that The Rock is being a whiner, and that the people of San Antonio, Texas are obnoxious. Angle tells the locals that they can "remember the Alamo" but can't remember things like "showering, holding down a job, literacy, and obviously, mastering the concept of using a toothbrush." Ha! No one insults the locals like Angle. The Rock enters the ring, and the match begins. I thought I heard someone in the crowd chanting, "X-Pac sucks!" which reminds me of how much I don't miss him. Oh, I guess they were saying, "Angle sucks!" The Rock attempts a Rock Bottom on the announce table, but Angle counters and both men go falling to the floor. Angle gets up first and gets an Olympic Slam on The Rock. Michael Cole says that The Rock maybe be "broken in half." Michael Cole, you are no JR. Don't even try it. Before The Rock can be counted out, Angle throws him back into the ring. Angle goes to the top turnbuckle for a Missile Dropkick. Huh? Angle? Top turnbuckle? Something does not compute there. Angle argues with the ref, which allows The Rock to make a comeback. The Rock leaves the ring to get a chair, which causes an argument with the ref. While The Rock is distracted, Angle gets up, but The Rock counters. This causes another argument with the ref. The Rock gives the ref a Rock Bottom. Same to the ref that comes in. The Rock ends up clocking Angle with a chair as the crowd screams wildly. The Rock grabs the WWF belt and holds it up to the crowd, as if to say, "It will be mine. Oh, yes. It will be mine." The announcers continue to set up the storyline by saying that this is only the beginning of The Rock's journey to the title.
Stone Cold is still waiting for Stephanie to arrive.
After the break, Stephanie arrives. Stone Cold chases her around backstage. This is really disturbing. I've said before that Stone Cold is a bit like a scary alcoholic uncle, and now to see him chasing after Stephanie with malicious intent is frightening. Stephanie runs out to the ring. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: Stephanie. Underwire. Buy one. Stone Cold comes out to the ring, grabs Stephanie by the hair, and tosses her into the ring. Stephanie is on her knees in front of Stone Cold. Have I mentioned the scary alcoholic uncle who maybe exhibits a bit of the "bad touch"? I mean, I know Stephanie is supposed to be the bad guy in this scenario, but seeing Stone Cold yell at a cowering Stephanie is...disturbing. I know I used that word already, but it is. Not to mention the fact that Stone Cold is about three times the size of Stephanie. Vince McMahon comes out to break up the party, scolding Stone Cold for his actions towards "daddy's little girl." Vince promises Austin a Triple Threat Match between Austin, Kane, and Undertaker. If Austin wins, he'll get a title shot on Monday night. But, Vince claims, all this will only happen as long as Austin leaves Stephanie alone. And if Austin doesn't accept, Vince vows to put him through hell. Austin calls Vince a "one-hundred-percent pure jackass," but accepts the match. Austin points out that he agreed to leave Steph alone, but made no such promises about Vince, as Vince gets the Stunner. Austin yells at Stephanie some more, and then drinks some beers. What is with the WWF this week? I am disliking all the people I'm supposed to be rooting for.
After the break, Stephanie checks up on Vince backstage. Vince claims that he's going to name a McMahon the special troubleshooting referee for Austin's match. Stephanie doesn't look too pleased about having to do it, but Vince says he was talking about himself.
The Hardyz and Lita come out. Matt and Lita will be taking on Perry Saturn and Terri. Jeff Hardy does some sort of strange duck-walk down the ramp. Dean Malenko accompanies Perry and Terri down to the ring. Do you think that if Matt didn't take the time out to do his little rebel yell before jumping from the turnbuckle, he would pull it off more often? It's the WWF equivalent of the villain in the movies telling the hero how he's going to kill him instead of just killing him. Lita does a Twist of Fate on Terri, but Dean Malenko grabs her out of the ring and kisses her before she can get the pin. Dean gets a DDT on Lita, which allows Terri to get the pin. Terri's wearing a "Britney at the MTV Music Video Awards" flesh-colored bikini.
Backstage, Lillian Garcia interviews Kane about his match tonight. Kane has a Southern accent all of a sudden. Kane wants revenge on all the people who "called [him] a freak." Apparently, said revenge involves winning his match.
An overly-oiled-up Billy Gunn is taking on Val Venis tonight. Predictably, Steven Richards interferes, allowing Venis to get the win. Nothing interesting happened in that match. I swear! I would have reported it if it did. Afterwards, Gunn pulls Ivory into the ring and tosses her, as revenge for Chyna. Richards comes in and breaks it up. Gunn tosses him out of the ring. Man, what is with all the violence against women this week? I know I said I wanted women to have a more active role in the WWF, but I didn't mean that I wanted to see them get beat up by men twice as big as them.
Backstage, Vince asks Stephanie to rip the sleeves off his referee shirt. I'm not making that up.
Filler, filler, filler. Basically, they summarize the whole show. Stone Cold beat up Regal. The Rock beat up two referees and Kurt Angle. Bad faces. Bad.
Trish Stratus gives Vince a backrub. Trish asks about his holidays, and Vince says that they were like hers -- in other words, they spent the holidays together. Stephanie comes in and orders Trish out. Trish thinks she and Stephanie can bond over Trish being mean to Test. Stephanie's having none of it. Trish thanks Vince for "the favor" and leaves. Vince has back acne (or "backne"). Steroids? Or all the oil clogged up his pores? Stephanie's pissed.
The Undertaker talks about how he'll do anything for a shot at the WWF title. He reminds us he's been around for ten years. We get it! Ten years! They don't have to mention it every time 'Taker appears on screen. 'Taker babbles about "froggy" and "[his] yard." Whatever.
Stone Cold laces up his boots. Have I mentioned there's a lot of filler?
Backstage, Stephanie must have returned after storming out before the break. Vince tells her to "cool [her] jets." Stephanie is still pissed.
Test comes out with his silver pants. He'll be taking on Albert tonight, as Trish and Albert turned on Test during RAW. Trish tells Test that Vince gave Trish and Albert the night off, and Test will be taking on Rikishi. The fat man comes out, and the match begins. Now that Test is a face, he has a black stripe on his silver pants. Nice signifier. This match is so boring that the announcers take the opportunity to explain the Royal Rumble -- one wrestler enters every two minutes. All the people in the ring try to toss one another out. Last one in the ring gets a shot at the WWF title. Rikishi ends up sitting on Test's chest to get the win. After the match is over, Rikishi drops his butt onto Test's chest from the second turnbuckle, as Trish and Albert cheer Rikishi on.
Backstage, Kane is walking down some stairs. The Undertaker spits and walks through a doorway. Stone Cold walks through an opening in a curtain. Fascinating.
Kane, 'Taker, and Stone Cold come down to the ring. Earl Hebner will be the ref inside the ring, and Vince will be outside the ring. It's time for the Triple Threat Match. Is it wrong that Vince has bigger arms than 'Taker? Austin knocks out the Undertaker as well as Hebner, then pins Kane. Vince just shrugs his shoulders. Ref Tim White comes out, but Vince stops him from counting and takes over as in-ring ref. Kane breaks out of the pin. As Austin argues with Vince, 'Taker sneaks back into the ring and hits Austin. 'Taker chokeslams Austin and Kane. When 'Taker sets up Austin for the Last Ride, Rikishi comes out and interrupts, to be rewarded with a chokeslam from 'Taker. Austin takes advantage and ends up pinning 'Taker. Vince actually counts the pin, which is weird. Hmm. Interesting. We'll see what that means week, I'm sure.