The Pay Per View opens with a pseudo-music video set to "The End" by The Doors. It features a lot of end-of-the-world-style imagery (bombs falling, nuclear blasts, buildings being destroyed) interspersed with shots of the wrestlers participating in tonight's Hell in the Cell match (Undertaker, Triple H, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Kurt Angle, and Rikishi). Get it? Because the name of the PPV is "Armageddon"? The video ends with Morrison wailing, "The end is nee-ar!" over a red-tinted shot of human skeletons scattered on the ground. It sounds super cheesy, but for the WWF, it was actually pretty high in terms of production values.
And then "Sweet Home Alabama" hits as we pan around the sold-out arena in Birmingham, Alabama. Ah, the WWF -- masters of subtlety. The cameras focus in on the ring, above which is suspended the cell for tonight's big match. It does look pretty foreboding. Our announcers tonight, as usual for a Pay Per View, are Jerry "The King" Lawler and Jim "JR" Ross. We flash back to earlier this evening on Sunday Night Heat, where Mick Foley promised to resign if anyone is seriously injured in tonight's Hell in the Cell match. A limo pulls up, and Brisco and Patterson assist Vince McMahon out. Brisco tells Vince that the cell is suspended over the ring, and Vince says, "Not for long!"
The Hardy Boyz music hits. Jeff and Matt, accompanied by Lita, make their way to the ring, where they will be taking on the Radicalz. Seriously, I know I've said this before, but enough with the "z-as-plural" thing. What is this, 1993? I don't think it was even cool then. The setup for this match is that Dean Malenko beat Lita on RAW, entitling him to take her out on a date on Smackdown! On the date, Lita pretended to be into Dean, but she was actually setting him up to get a beating from the Hardy Boyz. So, this match is some sort of payback for Malenko. It's an elimination match, meaning that as each wrestler is pinned, he or she leaves the match, until all members of one team have been eliminated. Early on, Jeff Hardy gets a Swanton Bomb on Eddie Guerrero, so Guerrero is out. Immediately afterward, Jeff does a sick Corkscrew (and I still can't figure out how he does that) on Perry Saturn. Moments later, Saturn manages to pin Jeff, so he's out. It's down to Matt Hardy and Lita versus Perry Saturn and Dean Malenko. It's nice to have JR announcing with Lawler, because he reins in Lawler's misogynistic comments (unlike useless Michael Cole). Matt Hardy gets the Twist of Fate on Perry Saturn, followed by a pin. Terri doesn't like this, and comes into the ring to argue with Matt. Lita spears Terri, to the crowd's delight. Malenko takes advantage of the confusion to pin Matt. Now it is down to Dean and Lita. Lita holds her own very well, but Dean Superplexes her. That would be the end, but Dean yanks Lita up by the hair before the ref can count three so that he can continue beating on her. Dean does this one more time before slapping on a Texas Cloverleaf, and Lita taps out. JR calls Dean "the icon of sleaze." I love JR. Dean tosses Lita out of the ring, and the Hardyz come out to help. Dean escapes, and useless Michael Cole tries to interview Lita, but all she can get out is, "I know I can." I guess we'll find out what that was all about on RAW.
Lillian Garcia tries to interview Kurt Angle in the locker room. Kurt is too busy to answer at first, but then yells at Lillian for interrupting his "training." Oh, is that what that was? Kurt claims that he's not worried about the match.
It's time for Hell in the Cell remembrance number one. This PPV sure has a lot of filler. Triple H flips Cactus Jack through the top of the cage, down to the ring.
, William Regal will defend his European Championship belt against Hardcore Holly. Regal takes the mike and says that he knows the crowd will cheer for Hardcore, since he's an Alabama native. Regal proceeds to make some hick jokes, and gets booed. Once the match gets underway, Regal gets Holly into a "Bow and Arrow," a submission hold I've never seen before. Basically, Regal lies on his back with his knees to his chest, and holds Holly on his back across his knees, so that Holly's stomach is being stretched. It looks like the easiest submission hold to break, ever. You could just wiggle. I have an older brother. I know how to get out of submission holds. Here's a tip -- if you can't get out physically, say that you have to pee. Works every time. Oh, the match. Holly hits Regal in the head with the alleged steel plate in his arm. Just as Holly is about to go for the pin, Raven runs into the ring and DDTs Hardcore. Regal gets the pin and keeps the European Title.
We are reminded that Angle broke the shaky alliance between himself, Rikishi, and Triple H earlier this week. Kevin Kelley asks Rikishi if he is worried that Triple H will turn on him tonight. Rikishi doesn't care, and says that "whatever happens, happens." Rikishi is such a philosopher.
Chyna will be taking on Val Venis. We're reminded that Val knocked Chyna over the announcers' table one time. That's the entire build-up to this so-called feud. Whatever. JR informs us that Chyna told Billy Gunn not to interfere. Chyna comes out working the Princess Leia gold bikini look. Well, if Carrie Fisher were like a foot taller, about seventy pounds heavier, and had implants. Val Venis comes down, accompanied by Ivory. Chyna starts the match off quickly. Hey! I just noticed that Val is wearing black pants. When did that happen? I had not yet exhausted my repertoire of Good Humor Man jokes! Chyna gets pissed at Ivory and starts chasing her around outside the ring. Ivory crawls through the ring, which allows Val to get a Fisherman's Suplex on Chyna for the win. As the members of RTC leave, Chyna grabs Ivory by the hair and drags her back into the ring. Just as Chyna is about to power bomb Ivory, Val interrupts and does a power bomb of his own on Chyna. As Val and Ivory walk back up the ramp, Val puts his arm around Ivory. JR comments that Ivory belongs in Val's armpit. Ha! Ivory is making "menacing" faces, but really it just looks like she's reacting to the fact that Val forgot to apply his Speed Stick.
Hell in the Cell flashback number two features Cactus Jack hitting Triple H in the face with a barbed-wire-covered, flaming, piece of wood. Ah yes. The memories.
Stephanie talks to her father about how scared she is for her husband, Triple H. Vince says that he'll talk to Foley and "put a stop to this right now."
Earlier today, Kevin Kelley interviewed the Undertaker about tonight's Hell in the Cell match. The interview takes place in the ring, inside the cell. 'Taker reminds everyone about his own historic matches, many of which have taken place in a cell. He claims that the cell brings out a side in him that is "more animal than it is human." 'Taker reminisces about his first Hell in the Cell match with Shawn Michaels, where he made Michaels bleed, and threw him off the top of the cell. , 'Taker reminisces about chokeslamming Mick Foley through the top of the cage to the mat below, and later in the same match, he threw Foley from the top of the cell through a table. As an aside, some fans consider that match to be the greatest wrestling match of all time. If you haven't seen it, you should, if only to appreciate the monster bumps that Foley takes. 'Taker wraps it up by noting that those matches made his opponents famous, and he wonders who will become famous tonight.
Vince comes out to the ring with his stooges. No motorized wheelchair tonight. Vince gets on the mike and says that he meant "every word [he] said on last Thursday night's Smackdown!," especially the terrible things he said about his wife. Vince is sincerely concerned about the welfare of the wrestlers participating in tonight's Hell in the Cell match and Mick Foley won't listen to his fears. Man, they are really selling this match. If someone doesn't take a huge bump, the fans are going to be really disappointed. Vince asks the crowd to support him in not allowing the Hell in the Cell match to happen, and to show their support by standing. As you would expect, not many people stand up, and Vince claims that the "carnage" will be on the conscience of both Mick Foley and everyone in the crowd.
We see what led up to tonight's Last Man Standing match between Chris Jericho and Kane. For those of you who've been in a cave, Jericho spilled coffee on Kane, and Kane wanted revenge. Then, it turned out that Kane was actually mad at Jericho for being a "pretty boy." Their feud caused Jericho to release his "animal side." Tonight, one of them has to keep the other one down for a ten count to win the match. Kane and Jericho battle their way backstage, and the production crew screws up, so we end up watching the empty arena for about a minute before they finally switch camera views. They throw one another into a truck parked backstage, which has wood chips in the bed. I wonder what that truck could be for? They also both get a few shots in on Mideon, who was just randomly standing backstage for no apparent reason. They make their way back into the arena, and there's another late camera switch.
Back in the ring, Kane gets some sort of crazy-ass submission hold on Jericho that looks like something out of the Kama Sutra. Jericho loses consciousness, so Kane drops him. After a count of six, Jericho is back up and fighting. Jericho goes down a few more times, and then both men nearly get counted out. Kane lifts Jericho over his head and throws him to the floor outside the ring. I like Jericho, but it's kind of funny to see him being thrown around like a little doll. They battle up to the entrance, where there is the usual equipment scattered about. Eventually, Jericho pushes over this wall of stacked up oil drums on top of Kane. Of course, the barrels are all glued together. As the ref counts, Kane's hand reaches up through the wall and grabs Jericho's ankle, but I guess the ref didn't see it, because he counts Kane out and declares Jericho the winner. JR calls Jericho "the guttiest [sic] kid in the WWF." Good one. This whole match was just sloppy -- I'm guessing because it's hard to make it look like Jericho could have a chance against Kane, given the size differential. How about a Jericho/Angle feud?
Jonathan Coachman asks Mick Foley if he is having second thoughts about tonight's Hell in the Cell match. Foley says that this match is all he thinks about, but it's what the people want, and he'll be glad when it's over.
Shawn Michaels is onstage at WWF New York. I'm sure that Sars and Djb would be in the audience if they weren't visiting Wing Chun in Toronto. Shawn Michaels thinks that having six guys in tonight's Hell in the Cell match is going to make everything different. Michaels feels that this match is tailor-made for the Undertaker.
Another Hell in the Cell flashback -- this time we see Mick Foley being chokeslammed into thumb tacks by the Undertaker.
up is the Four Corner Tag Team match. Your teams are Edge and Christian, Bull Buchanan and Good Father (current champs), Road Dogg and K-Kwik, and the Dudley Boyz. Road Dogg has his braids in a ponytail on top of his head and I tell my boyfriend J-Dawg that Roadie looks like a resident of Whoville. I'm all proud of my joke, and preparing to use it in this recap, and then Lawler makes the same joke. Goddammit! I'm using it anyway. The rules on this match are that anyone can tag in anyone, and whoever gets the first pin wins the belts. J-Dawg and I spend some time debating what would happen if two members of the same team ended up in the ring together. I said one of them would probably job to the other, and they win the belt. Right? I don't know why we talk about these matches as if the outcomes aren't predetermined. At one point, Buh Buh Ray whips Christian into the ropes, yells out clearly, "Come on, bitch!" and then flips Christian into the air, so that he does a mid-air somersault. Everything degenerates, and mayhem ensues. With half the men battling outside the ring, the Dudleyz concentrate on Edge and Christian. Bull Buchanan breaks things up, and is rewarded with a 3D by the Dudleyz. When the Good Father tries to help, he also gets a 3D. When D-Von goes outside the ring to get a table, Steven Richards executes (and I use the term loosely) the lamest DDT ever. With his partner gone, Buh Buh Ray gets pinned by Edge. Edge and Christian are the new (and four-time) Tag Team Champions.
Stephanie is trying to convince Triple H that his match tonight is too dangerous. Triple H tells her that "the WWF Championship is the most important thing in the world to [him]." Stephanie doesn't mention that as his wife, maybe she should be the most important thing. Interesting.
Another Hell in the Cell flashback -- Triple H throws Cactus Jack from the side of the cage into a table.
up, Billy Gunn defends his Intercontinental Championship against Chris Benoit. The announcers spend a lot of time at the beginning of the match continuing the hard sell of Chris Benoit -- that he's a great technical wrestler. Okay, he is! That doesn't mean that I find his matches interesting to watch. I do respect Benoit's ability to sell a match, his in-ring psychology, but I don't watch wrestling for the wrestling, really. If I wanted to see technical skill, I'd watch college wrestling. Benoit focuses in on Gunn's knee. Despite his weak knee, Gunn gets the Fameasser, but Benoit kicks out. Ultimately, Benoit gets the Crippler Crossface on Gunn, who taps out. Benoit is the new Intercontinental Champion. Immediately after the match, Billy Gunn tells Michael Cole that this feud isn't over. Oh, great. I can't wait for another thrilling match between these two.
We see a pre-taped interview by JR of Stone Cold Steve Austin. Austin says he didn't sleep at all last night, because the match is going to be "flat-out brutality." JR asks Austin if having Triple H and Rikishi in the match, the men who tried to end his career, is a distraction. Austin says that he does want revenge, but his primary goal tonight is to "whip somebody's ass." That's my primary goal every night.
up is a Triple Threat Match for the Women's Championship between Molly Holly, Trish Stratus, and Ivory. Early on, Ivory and Trish team up against Molly Holly. Once Molly is down, Ivory turns on Trish. Moments later, Ivory tosses Molly out of the ring and pins Trish to retain her title. Test and Albert come down to the ring and threaten Molly. Crash comes to the rescue, challenging Test and Albert. Before they can climb in the ring, the Acolytes make a comeback, handing out a beating in the ring. I'm glad they are back and all, but I would've liked the women's match to last a bit longer.
Another classic Hell in the Cell moment featuring Mick Foley falling off the top of the ring onto a table below. Is there a WWF viewer alive who hasn't seen that clip?
Kevin Kelley asks The Rock if he's prepared for the match. The Rock shuts Kevin up, and gives his standard spiel.
Before the big match, we see all the events that led up to it -- Triple H's getting dropped from a crane by Stone Cold, Angle getting chokeslammed from the entrance ramp by Undertaker. In case you forgot, Vince McMahon doesn't want this match to happen, and tried to convince each participant to refuse the match, to no avail.
As the cell is lowered from the ceiling, JR reminds us that the first man who scores a pinfall or submission in the ring will be the WWF Champion. The participants come out in this order: Triple H, Rikishi, Kurt Angle (who won't enter the cage), Undertaker (who has replaced his Kid Rock theme song with "Rollin'" by Limp Bizkit), The Rock, and Stone Cold. As the men enter the ring, there are about eight referees in there keeping them away from one another. Stone Cold gets things started by grabbing Angle and throwing him into the cell. Obviously, with six participants, there is a lot going on in this match, so I'm just going to hit on the highlights. For the first few minutes, just imagine every possible permutation of good guy and bad guy doing battle either in or out of the ring. Triple H is the first to blade...I mean, bleed. After they've used up all the good guy/bad buy combinations, they have Triple H and Rikishi take each other on in the ring. See, they had an informal alliance, so I guess it had to be established that it truly is every man for himself tonight. After that, we see about ten examples of one guy pinning another, and a third man breaking up the count. Suddenly, Vince and his stooges are standing in the back of a flatbed truck, which is backing down the entrance ramp towards the ring. The back of the truck is filled with wood chips (which you may remember me mentioning earlier during the Kane/Jericho match). Vince wants his stooges to use the truck to pull down the cell, thus ending the match. First, they pull off the door. The match continues in the ring. Mick Foley comes out, punches Brisco and Patterson, then calls security and has Vince dragged backstage. Vince yells, "I own this damn place."
Now that the cage has no door, the participants make their way up the entrance ramp. Much use is made of the junked cars surrounding the entrance ramp. Austin hits Triple H with a camera attached to a crane. Triple H retaliates by throwing Austin's head through a car window, and now Austin is bleeding, too. All of the men are out among the cars at this point. Triple H Pedigrees Rocky on top of a car and The Rock starts bleeding. Stone Cold does a slingshot move that launches Triple H onto a car hood. The wrestlers make their way back to the ring. Kurt Angle hits 'Taker with something that causes 'Taker to start bleeding too. Triple H starts climbing up to the top of the cell. Stone Cold grabs his trunks and...I saw his butt! I saw Triple H's butt! Yes, I am seven years old. Stone Cold and Triple H battle on top of the cell. Triple H gets very close to the edge, but doesn't go over. Kurt Angle climbs up to the top of the cell, followed by 'Taker. After Stone Cold and Triple H get down, Rikishi and The Rock start climbing up. I never thought Rikishi would get his fat ass on top of that thing, but he makes it.
Suddenly, 'Taker has a chair on top of the cell, and he uses it on Kurt Angle. How did he get the chair up there? Rikishi uses the chair on 'Taker three times, and Angle once. Angle climbs down, and is allegedly bleeding. That leaves 'Taker and Rikishi on top. Rikishi gets dangerously close to the edge, conveniently right by the wood-chip filled truck bed. 'Taker chokeslam/pushes him off the edge into the truck. Jesus. Everyone stops wrestling and just stares at him. Stone Cold has a look on his face like, "Holy shit!" I know some people will think it was lame that 'Taker did such a weak chokeslam, but when you are falling nearly forty feet backwards, it helps if someone is guiding you. Imagine if he slipped and missed the truck bed, or fell at an angle and hit his head on the side of the truck or something. It was an amazing bump.
Austin and The Rock end up face to face in the ring. And then they start making out! Kidding. They fight, and the crowd goes wild. Preview of things to come? Maybe. The Rock prepares to do The People's Elbow on Stone Cold, but Triple H interrupts. The Rock knocks Triple H back out of the ring. The Undertaker is still on top of the cell, I guess. J-Dawg says he's waiting for an airlift. I joke that he has a pulley system rigged up so that people can pass him food and drink. We're easily amused.
Kurt Angle comes into the ring, but The Rock issues the Rock Bottom. Stone Cold gets up and delivers a Stunner to The Rock. Before he can cover, Triple H gets in and does a Neck Breaker on Stone Cold. While those two are battling, Kurt Angle crawls over and gets a hand on The Rock. The ref counts three, and Angle keeps his WWF title. Angle, Rocky, Austin, and Triple H are lying motionless in the ring. Rikishi is still in the back of the truck. 'Taker is hanging out up top. Angle finally gets up and groggily starts to make his way out of the ring. Stone Cold comes out of nowhere and delivers a final Stunner. The ref takes the belt and places it on the unconscious Angle's stomach. And that's all she wrote.