It begins innocuously enough. A dopey-looking guy, who could pass for a DeLuise brother, is standing around an insanely large apartment with a pretty girl in a skimpy tank-top and pajama bottoms, and he's got his hands on her stomach and says he feels the baby moving. She dismisses him, because it's way too early... not to mention that she has the flattest stomach on earth. He has already nicknamed the baby "Batman," claiming it is a family name, and I think I already hate this show. Girl says not to call the baby that. She's being über-organized for their upcoming trip. Douchey guy is tasked with leaving an outgoing message, in which he decides to tell the world that they are out of town for a week at her parents' because it's her dad's 60th birthday party. Doesn't he know better than to tell the people who may be calling that you are going out of town? And who has a landline anymore? He then also tells the answering machine that he plans on telling his in-laws that he's impregnated their daughter out of wedlock, and that he plans on marrying her now that she's knocked up, but it's fine, since her parents already hate him. Pregnant fiancée girl comes over and stops him... finally. But instead of chastising him for leaving a stupid message, she instead tries to placate him and tell him that her 'rents don't hate him, even though he once flooded their house. Because that's been fixed, and forgive and forget or whatever.
She suggests that the solution for this is that he spend more time with her family. But he's got an office party to go to (he's assistant editor at "the magazine") and he's office iPod DJ. Clearly, he can't miss that. Pregnant fiancé girl reminds him that he needs to be at her family's house by 9 PM so that they can tell them the "news" after dessert. Her mom's making cherry pie. Yum. So far that's the most appealing thing about the show. Except he doesn't like pie. (What kind of guy is he?) The phone starts ringing, she checks the caller ID, sees that her dad is on the line. She can't find the phone. Douche guy is like, um... I didn't delete the outgoing message. Cue mad scramble to find the phone before her dad finds out that he's an idiot (which he probably already knows). He catches it in the nick of time. Says that it is Sam. Clearly dad has no idea who "Sam" is. He's like, "um, Mel's friend." And then he passes the phone off to Mel. Credits.
So far, all of about five minutes in (though, admittedly, this is the second time I've had to watch it... for work... the things I do for this job, I swear), I'm wondering who had the brilliant idea to bring this show across the pond. Where it was Worst Week of My Life and just as stupid, except slightly better, because everyone had British accents, which somehow makes it classier. But it was really only a miniscule amount better, because that was a pretty dumb show, too.
Office party. It looks pretty swanky. Sam (played by somewhat newcomer Kyle Bornheimer) picks up his cell phone. It's Melanie (showkiller Erinn Hayes). She says that he should ditch his boring party and come to her parents' house early (she apparently forgot that he's the all-important iPod DJ). He's like, "No, once I make plans I stick to those plans, because I'm an irrational tool." At which point drunk girl Nicky (Tamara Mello... who used to be so cute on Popular ... time has not been so kind to her cuteness) stumbles over with two pink martini-ish drinks and a giggle. Melanie's like "who's that?" Sam's like, "No one." Mel's on to his game and thinks that he doesn't realize when girls are flirting with him. He says Nicky isn't flirting, just randomly kissing him, which is totally not flirting at all. Mel's being all prissy and reminds him that it's very important he not be late. Then hangs up.
Mel's at her house staring sullenly at the phone when her mom, Angela (Nancy Lenehan, who is really cute as Earl's mom on My Name is Earl) walks in with Mel's dad (Kurtwood Smith, a.k.a. Red Foreman from That '70s Show). Angela's all babbling about the special birthday goose she's got cooking for her husband Dick. It takes like two days to brine (or something that involves it being left out, which sounds unsanitary if you ask me). Dick's like, all I wanted was a steak with my family. He's disgruntled because Angela cared about him and invited 60 people over and made a goose. Tonight is roast, and, of course... the aforementioned pie. Who wants to bet something happens to that goose, or that pie? Come on. It's like blatantly obvious sitcom foreshadowing here. The parents finally notice that Mel's being awfully quiet. Dad asks if it was her "friend" on the phone and if he upset her. No, he's just a moron, but she loves him. And his name is Sam, not "her friend." Angela says she likes her friend. It's not so sincere.
Out on a darkened street, Sam's heading out of his party. Leaving a disturbing message for Angela about wanting to dig into her mother's cherry pie. Now I have Warrant stuck in my head... pardon me while I go dig out my old cassette tapes from high school for a minute. To Sam's credit, he does realize that it sounded dirty. But just then drunk Nicky pulls up in her car. He doesn't think she should be driving, and she proves his point by driving it backwards and crashing. He gets a cab, says they are making two stops. I don't know where this show is supposed to be set, but it clearly isn't New York, because the driver didn't give them the dirtiest look of all time, pick up his cell phone, and start complaining about his passengers in another language.
Drunk Nicky has a dirty suggestion, which she whispers in Sam's ear. He says he's flattered, and degraded. Good combination. He tells her he's practically engaged. She feels sick. He misunderstands, babbles about how he understands why she'd be attracted to him. Then she pukes all over him. Now the cab driver is pissed. Maybe this is New York. He wants to know how Sam would feel if he vomited at his place of business. Sam stupidly says that it would be difficult because there's a security person you'd have to get past. Really? I don't think the cabbie cares, because he takes off, leaving them by the side of the road. Now this seems like the suburbs, but there isn't another car in sight. It also seems like it's much later than the 9 PM time that he was supposed to be at his in-laws. And now I'm beginning to wonder how long it takes on the train to get to said in-laws. And if it isn't that far, why the need to go there for a whole week for a birthday party? Am I just overthinking this? Probably. Now Sam's shouting at the taxi about leaving. Then he calls Mel, who isn't picking up. Nicky's lying on the grass. Sam's trying to ditch her, saying it is only six miles from her house.
we see Sam he's lugging drunk Nicky through a torrential downpour. Then he's found a recycle bucket with wheels, puts her in that and drags her into her house and puts her on her bed. She's out cold this entire time. Which makes me wonder how he knows her house so well, where she lives... again with the overthinking.
At the Clayton casa, Angela's putting away dessert. Mel's phony smiling and calling Sam. Sam's in the shower at Nicky's. But there are no towels, even dirty ones. Of course. He wanders around Nicky's house naked to get clothes. At which point she wakes up and starts screaming. She's got mace and is irrationally upset, considering that she just propositioned him in the cab. She won't give him his clothes. She locks him out of the house. In a neighborhood where there is no one around, suddenly there is an elderly couple just happening to be standing outside Nicky's house staring at the door in case something happens. They give Sam a disgusted look and walk away. Sam starts picking through the garbage.
Now he's wearing a blue garbage bag as a diaper. He's somehow found a cab that will pick him up (even though the neighborhood is deserted) and arrives at the Clayton's McMansion. He throws rocks at their windows until the door opens. It's Dick. Who is less than pleased. But hey, he remembers Sam's name. Sam wants to know if he can borrow 80 bucks. Because he left his wallet in his other diaper. He thinks he's being charming, but he's just not. Wouldn't it have been easier for him to go home? And what cabbie would pick up an 80 dollar fare if he was wearing naught but a garbage bag diaper? Dick rolls his eyes, but lets him in.
Angela's downstairs, refuses to let Sam hug her. Which seems to surprise him. I don't understand why. I wouldn't have let him in the house in the first place. Down comes concerned Mel, who instead of ripping Sam's head off, which is what a normal rational and unmedicated person would do, is all like, "Are you OK?" Mel wants to know if the person he shared a cab with was flirty girl. Instead of abiding by the whole honesty is the best policy thing, he lies and says that he shared a cab with a guy named Mick. Who is the company security guard. He makes up a long elaborate story about how Mick puked on him, and didn't have clothes in his size because he's a dwarf. Even medicated Mel doesn't buy that the security guard is a dwarf, even if Sam claims he's vicious. Angela, also clearly medicated, smiles and sums up the situation for Dick, who has returned from paying off the cab, saying "a vicious dwarf vomited on Sam." Dick, who is the only sane person in this house, glares. I like Dick. However, I also liked him when he was called Red and he had a funny son who wore bell-bottoms.
Sam needs to go to the restroom. Angela gives him directions, but presumably he's been here before, if he knew which window to throw rocks at. And if he flooded the house. Again with the overthinking. I need to stop that. Whatever. The power goes out. This happens all the time... since the flood. Sam offers to help, he's good with electric stuff. Dick's like, just leave me alone.
thing we hear is Sam urinating and sounding so relieved. When the lights come on, we see that he's peeing on the goose. Angela and Mel are horrified. Hey, maybe their medication wore off. He thought it was the powder room. This big open room? Even in the dark, you would have think he would have been able to tell. Oh, and he couldn't wait two minutes for the lights to come back on. Sam's had time to pull his diaper up, apparently... and is walking with the goose to the sink to wash it off, calling on the five second rule. Some of the "juices" spill out of the pot, which of course no one rushes to wipe up. So when Dick walks in, he immediately slips. Even though Angela warns him to avoid "Sam's urine!"
It is at this point that I realize that I hate this show. With a passion. I know there are some out there that find this series funny. I am not, or will not, ever be that person. The characters are all unlikable so far (excepting Dick) and then they throw in scatological humor on top of that. One or the other, people. I can't handle both. And how has this man gotten to be whatever age he is, if he's so remarkably unlucky or idiotic?
The day, Sam's eating cereal. Mel sits down with him. Sam outlines his plan to be on his best behavior. Which doesn't involve urinating on the birthday dinner again. Then, according to his plan, because he likes a plan, at dinner, they'll tell them their news about the baby/marriage. I'm so sure that they will just be thrilled. Beyond belief. What a catch that Mel has landed. Mel has the sense to get in a dig at Sam by asking if he'll be on time for dinner. He says he's apologized a lot and he's feeling sensitive and wants to make sure she's cool. Um. She should have ripped him a new one. Instead she tells him that she still gets lost in the house. Everyone makes mistakes. She's always peeing in places that don't have bathrooms, she jokes. To which he responds, "I'm going to punch you in the face." Because that's exactly what you say to the person you love when they are forgiving you and just barely teasing you for a dumpable offense. Of course, Dick and Angela walk in and overhear this touching endearment. "Explain to me the context in which punching my daughter in the face is funny," says Dick. Mel changes the subject. Dad apparently has been at the hospital all night with Mom. Dick's got a concussion, the hospital wanted to keep him, but he stubbornly left. Because he's got a luncheon. He hasn't missed it in years. He's just got to go rinse the urine out of his hair before he goes. I never realized what an icky word urine was until this show. I'm guessing that pee, or other terms for urinating were axed by the censors.
Angela's worried about Dick going out after such a big fall. Speaking of which, Angela wants to show them something special. Down in the basement, and covered in a sheet, is Dick's birthday present. It's an oil painting of Dick in his judge's robe. Commissioned from the guy who does the presidents. That must have cost a pretty penny. And it's ugly.
Out on the street Dick's wandering the street with a big bandage on his head. He's wobbling around. He collapses on the sidewalk (unconvincingly). In front of the funeral home. Of course. The funeral home knows Judge Clayton, and is happy to accommodate him. He needs to lie down. He gets sent to the back to the funeral prep table... The funeral home calls the Clayton house and the only person who is available to answer the phone for some insane reason is Sam. He picks it up. Hewitt's, the undertaker, is calling to tell the family that Mr. Clayton collapsed and they've got him in the back room. They are deliberately vague. And since Sam is deliberately stupid, he concludes the judge is dead.
In walk Angela and Mel. He tells them that Dick is dead. Meanwhile, Dick is all refreshed and leaves Hewitt's ignoring the staff telling him that someone's coming to get him. He doesn't want to be late for his meeting.
Mel's crying on the couch, upset that she didn't get to tell her dad about the baby. She wants to name their son "Dick. Sam is kind of a jerk about it and says it's something they can talk about. Um, she's grieving? But just then Angela finally puts two and two together and starts blaming Sam's urine on the floor for Dick's untimely demise. Yay, someone is finally rationally responding to a situation. Sam offers to go to "the undertakers" and handle the paperwork.
He gets to Hewitt to identify the body. An employee who wasn't there before takes him out to the back room to see the corpse. Sam doesn't want to see the dead body. The stupid employee tells him that he gets squeamish, too. There's some nonsensical banter about wanting to be a chef. They have to look at several bodies, one apparently disgusting. Staffer walks off to answer a call, telling Sam to look at the last one. Sam spots Dick's glasses, again, puts two and two together to make a false assumption and says that it's him.
Back at the house, Angela's crying and looking at Dick's favorite little pet birds. Sam walks in and gives her the glasses he found. He took care of all the arrangements. Suddenly Angela thinks of Mel's brother, who is in Nairobi. Angela can't have that conversation. Mel can't handle it either. They ask Sam to do it. He does think it would be weird, but doesn't say no. So he places the international call to David Clayton. They have a bad connection. Of course. Sam starts screaming "He's dead!" (repeatedly) into the phone, so loudly that Angela starts wailing. Mel runs in to stop him. She actually seems somewhat upset, and sends him on an errand to get a prescription before the pharmacy closes. He heads off, driving wildly. He drops the prescription bottle and gets in a car accident.
Guess who the driver of the other car is? Go on... I bet you can't figure this one out. Give up? Okay, it's Dick. He's not dead after all! But now he's unconscious because his airbag just went off. Sam starts dragging the body back into the house all excitedly. Angela walks in, sees the body, and wants Sam to take him back, because she presumes that he took him from "the undertaker" (which seems like a weird thing to call it, funeral home is more common in these parts). Angela starts slapping Sam calling him sick... which he kind of is. Then, suddenly, Dick comes to. Of course, Angela passes out. Sam calls Mel for help.
Later that evening, Sam's pacing the guest room. Mel comes in and says that her parents are fine. They laughed about it. But she's clearly just trying to soothe the feelings of this man-child. He's starting to wonder if something is wrong with him. She says he just gets nervous around her family. She starts talking about how wonderful their baby will be and how they'll have a great life. Suddenly in his irrational mind he turns this into it being the dad's fault. He wants to go tell them about the baby at that very minute. She tries to dissuade him. She thinks he should find a way to erase the pain of the day before they drop the baby bomb on them. Just then the power goes out.
He heads off to the basement to fix it, with a candle. Which he just leaves on a random table. The same table that happens to house the painting that was commissioned for Dick's birthday. It is now all charred. He tries to fix it. But he makes it way worse by smudging it with his spit. Meanwhile, Mel proudly shouts how happy she is that he fixed the lights. And so ends the first episode. And I am put out of my misery.
Want to know what other new fall shows aren't worth your time? Check out our Fall TV Preview: What to Watch, What to Avoid!