Previously on I'm A Semi-Famous Artist, Get Me Out Of Here, Trong was eliminated and Miles won. Again. After literally creating two concrete assholes to represent something about sleeping, then falling asleep on his artwork during the gallery show. After the show, the women are at home, where Nicole says she really wanted to win, but she thinks Miles deserved it. Judith thinks that's crazy pants. John's like, "Miles is talented and all, but what do I have to do to win? Sleep in the gallery? Or make an ass out of concrete?" My thoughts exactly.
The artists show up to see China, but she's surrounded by question marks. It's like a game show! There is a lot of drama, as Miles picks "Monster" (he thinks he'll have to create a monster out of giant Helvetica question marks, which is no sweat), Judith picks "Love," others pick "Good Vs. Evil," "Adventure," etc. Once they've all drawn (and it seems two people got each word set), they go to the other side of the question marks to reveal giant book covers. They all appear to be Penguin Classics. There are six books: Dracula (Jaime Lynn and Mark drew "Immortal," so they'll individually make that cover), Frankenstein (Miles and Abdi drew "Monster"),
Pride and Prejudice (Judith and Jaclyn drew "Love"), The Time Machine (John and Peregrine drew "Time Travel"), Alice in Wonderland (Nicole and Erik drew "Adventure"), Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (Ryan and Nao drew "Good Vs. Evil"). The president and publisher of Penguin Books shows up to tell them how important a book cover is. She says they have to find a way to distinguish themselves. Also, the winner will have their work published on a Penguin book, for sale all over America, but they won't receive immunity. Erik thinks this would be awesome for his family and his dogs (?), because HE'S NOT A REAL ARTIST. Has he mentioned that?
Shopping. Ryan wants to get his polar contrasts of good vs. evil into his painting. Jaclyn hasn't read Pride and Prejudice, but has seen the movie so decides to have herself photographed nude for the cover, which she thinks will be very appealing. Not that she's full of herself or anything. John wants bright colors you can see from across the room. Workroom. Mark's never read Dracula, but he wants to represent it in a younger, more modern way. That actually makes sense in this vampire-loving age. Miles feels guilty for not reading the book, so he decides to take four hours to do that. Jaime Lynn is a Christian and wants to focus on spirituality. On that note, she needs to redeem herself after sucking last week. Nao's thinking of a self-portrait since she's a Jekyll and Hyde type. John wants to make a time machine that he'd want to ride in, all about gay culture and what he likes to drink. Wow, these people could not be more self-absorbed. Is that a requirement of being an artist?
Peregrine takes a different approach and talks about the book's narrative. Abdi, who's obviously read Frankenstein, also talks about what the book's about and decides to do a sculpture. Jaclyn decides to do her nude photo shoot in the bathroom, which she says is difficult because she's so shy. Nao uses the bathroom while Jaclyn's in there and she wonders how this sensual photo has to do with Pride & Prejudice. Judith is making a floral pattern out of her fingerprints, because she just cannot be a literal person. Because she's a fine artist. Everyone worries that Miles isn't going to be able to finish. They shouldn't worry too much, since he has immunity.
Erik really wants to win, because he actually loves Alice in Wonderland, and even has some art from the story tattooed on him. Miles comes out after reading the book, raving about how good the book was. John doesn't believe he actually read it. Miles is really inspired by the scene of Frankenstein witnessing lightning striking a log. So he's going to start an electrical fire to burn a piece of wood and then work Mary Shelley's name into it somehow. But all he really cares about is starting the fire. Because he's essentially 12.
Simon comes in. He looks at John's interpretation of The Time Machine, which is just a bunch of bright colors. Simon thinks it's pretty, but isn't sure it looks like anything other than an abstract piece of art. Simon thinks it will be a challenge to link this to the book without cluttering it. Peregrine's doing outlines of a bunch of fruit and animals framing the title of the book. Simon tells her you want something relatively simple for the cover. Simon asks Jaclyn if she's read her book, and she says, "Well, I read the synopsis." He asks about her lettering and she's all, "Like, I don't know, modern." He literally doesn't know what to say, so just says, "Keep it up" and leaves. Jaclyn interviews that she wants to communicate the love between "Elizabeth and Darby [sic]."
Mark shows Simon his two versions: A Twilight-y closeup of Ryan's profile with his collar up. His second one is someone farther away, in a door, under the red title, Dracula. Simon thinks he's nearly there and can have an early night. Jaime Lynn says that since Mark's going commercial with his, she's doing the opposite and making a watercolor landscape. "But it looks really good, and we'll see what happens." Simon moves on to Judith, who shows him her fingerprint work. He asks how it relates to the contents and the spirit of the book. She says, "The flowers and the gardens. I mean, I've read Jane Austen." He tells her it's possibly risky. But Judith is going to do it her way, because it's her art. He wishes them all courage and tells them they'll be amazing. Wow, what a good liar.
Judith talks gibberish to Miles, who interviews that he just nods a lot to her when she gets tired and crazy. Abdi's photographing his sculpture, but he doesn't think the photo is looking as good as he thought it was. He's worried he might end up going home this time, after two second-place finishes. As midnight approaches, they all work, work, work. Ryan's cover has Jekyll spelled wrong (as Jekyl), which he blames on being frantic, but as John points out: The book is right in front of him. Miles can't start his electrical fire, so he ends up lighting turpentine on fire to burn his wood. Judith realizes her book cover isn't looking good, so Nicole's trying to talk her through it. But Mark's sick of her being mean about commercial art, since that's what he does. Nicole's going to put a cookie inside her book cover that apparently people can eat. Jaclyn's not happy with her nude silhouette. Peregrine doesn't feel that she's given herself to the challenge, and thinks John's bright, fun cover is much better than hers. She'd buy his book because of the cover.
Midnight. Abdi has nothing done, but just ideas. They head home. Judith decides she's going to do something different and mix up the letters in Pride & Prejudice. Abdi doesn't even know what to do, so he's okay with the fact that he's going home. Hey, dude, all you have to do is meet Judith. You can do it! He wakes up the morning and knows he needs to hit the ground running. Abdi decides to make the text into a gritty, graphic, modern stencil. Jaclyn's not happy, because she needed more time to give this the feel she wanted. Judith actually has mixed up the letters so her book cover says something like, Edirp and Ecidujerp. And she's talking to herself, which is annoying Peregrine. John put a little ladder under his colorful graphic, and then the title, and it actually looks cool. Abdi's still working at the last minute when Simon tells them time's up. He sends them to the gallery with their work. Abdi realizes that he needs to get better about time in a competition like this.
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Between two sets of commercials, we get that weird Bravo thing of a tiny scene that is out of place and doesn't mean anything. It's Simon telling Jaclyn a joke about a dog who liked the movie Doctor Zhivago, but not the book. Erik laughs like a maniac from across the room.
Gallery. China reintroduces our judges: Jeanne, Bill and Jerry. And this week's special guest judge: novelist and artist Jonathan Santlofer. She also reminds us of the challenge and the prize. Then the gallery show begins. Miles's cover looks like some sort of weird circuitry board, with the title and author names so tiny you can't read them at all. The judges think it's weird and witchy, and wish it would have related to the book somehow. I think we're going to be hearing that a lot. Nicole's little "Eat me" cookie for Alice in Wonderland is cool, but not really a book cover, according to the judges. One of them thinks it's weak. Jaime Lynn likes her watercolor a lot, but we don't hear the judges' thoughts.
John's bright time machine seems to appeal to the judges. Nao's self-portrait, with some sort of weird thing in front of half her face, doesn't impress the judges enough to even speak (although Jerry does make a face that seems less than impressed). They think Abdi has great lettering and a great image, but that they don't go together. Abdi thinks his piece is sad. Peregrine's okay with hers, but doesn't love it. The judges seem to think it's more Little Mermaid than The Time Machine. Ryan thinks his picture of a guy's face in a few different expressions, with lots of paint and color on it, captured and modernized the story. The judges say nothing. They don't think Jaclyn's would jump off shelves. Like many of them, her type is way too small and doesn't serve the book. Erik feels good about his cover, but we don't hear the judges' thoughts. The judges laugh about Judith's book, since you can see Jane Austen, but can't really make out the title. They like John's very commercial-looking book cover. I think he'll win it. It looks the most like an actual book. It has blood dripping off the top, and it forms the line in the D in Dracula.
The Penguin honcho, Kathryn, gives them her input and then leaves. Which means it's time for the judges to call the artists for the crit: John, Judith, Peregrine, Mark, Jaclyn. So, only five this time. Everyone else is safe. They start with John, who tells them he thought of what his time machine would look like and came up with this. Jerry likes that it's the way a human head might look in the future. They like the title, and the small ladder. They ask Judith what hers is, and then they tell her it's not okay to make people feel stupid. She says she's a fine artist and doesn't work on assignment. They ask if she's better than everyone else, and she says she's not, but she totally thinks she is. Mark's . He says he wanted to make it a contemporary image and not clichéd. Bill says it's the most commercial work, which was the challenge. They really like it, but think less blood could have made it more sophisticated and less pulpy.
Jaclyn's . She lies and says she thought it was serendipitous she got this book because of its morally ambiguous characters. Wait, is Jaclyn saying she's morally ambiguous? And also, is she saying that Elizabeth is? They think Jaclyn backed out of showing the photo of herself, which would have been better. China also asks why she didn't double-check the spelling of Jane Austen, which she spelled Austin. They ask Judith's opinion, and she says it's "really not skilled at all." Well, of course, but that's because she knows she's in the bottom with her. Peregrine tells them about the shadow behind hers. They tell her it's a complete failure as a book cover, but is a nice object or cutesy wallpaper.
They send the artists back to the studio, where Jaclyn cries about how they are just trying to teach her by questioning her. The judges discuss the art, and point out that a book jacket is a respectable thing for artists to do, and people like Picasso have done it. They discuss the ones they like: Mark integrated the text well with the image, and will probably win. But they also love John's too, because it's instantly arresting. Maybe they'll both get Penguin book covers. They move on to Jaclyn, who they think is in middle school both because of her drawing and the misspelled name. They cringe about Judith's cover and think it's just her way of saying she's not going to play. Bill says if you're going to break rules, it has to be interesting. They think Peregrine just totally missed the point of the dark book by making it a happy, fairytale arts-and-crafts project. They've made their decisions, which means it's time for a commercial or three.
When we return, they've brought John and Mark back in. China tells them they like both, but there can only be one winner. And it's John, so his book will be published by Penguin and sold nationwide. John's dad is a librarian, so he's overjoyed. They send them back to send the losers back out. Jaclyn's still teary-eyed when the three ladies line up. China tells them their work would put these classics out of print. They tell Jaclyn she started to work on something special but gave them a cliché. They tell Peregrine she should have given them something dark and sci-fi, but gave them a fairy tale. They tell Judith her piece failed as art and a book cover. Then they kick Judith out: "Your work of art didn't work for us." She says she wasn't able to adapt to the situation, but she thanks them. Only she doesn't mean it. They tell her they'll see her on the Lower East Side, and she says, "probably sweeping the sidewalk." She's sad to leave and didn't think this piece would send her home with Jaclyn's piece there. "I mean, please."
week: They are assigned to make their own shocking piece of art. Jaclyn gets naked with Ryan or something. Then Simon has shocking news for them. Jaclyn and Erik fight while waiting to go back and be either winners or losers (it looks like). Judges check stuff out and wonder if something in one of the pieces is a bag of shit. I'm taking week off, and very sad not to get to write about the possible shitbag. I mean, how often does an opportunity like this come along? But you'll be in good hands, so stay tuned.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon,. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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