Portrait of the Other Artists

S01E01

Gallery. Portraits are up all over the room. The artists file in, and then China comes in with the permanent panel of judges: art critic Jerry Saltz, curator Jeanne Greenberg Rohatyn (they call her a "gallerist," but I refuse to use that word), and Bill Powers, who co-owns Half Gallery and is editor at large for Purple magazine. WTF is an "editor at large," anyway? Does it mean "editor who doesn't actually have to edit"? China opens the gallery to the public and the judges.

John's happy with his portrait, which captures various aspects of Trong. It's a series of animation-looking paintings of Trong's profile. Trong's pieces of red wallpaper ended up all together in a cube, and some have John's picture on them. It's very cool, but Trong's not 100 percent pleased with it. Mark thinks the judges will be impressed with his work, because his Photoshop skills are awesome. Erik thinks his piece looks like it belongs in the gallery, but China makes an ugly face when she looks at it. Peregrine loves her nude painting of Nicole, but Nicole's not sure it captures her. She likes her own intense portrait of Peregrine. Amanda loves her piece, which looks like the sky with some leaves on it. Miles is happy with his, but says the judges are total poker-faces. Nao's happy with hers. Basically, everyone loves their own work and most people aren't happy with the portrait their partner made of them. Shocker! Ryan's an exception. He thinks his looks small and stupid compared to Abdi's of him. The judges want to talk to the following artists "for the crit": Abdi, Erik, Amanda, Mark, Miles and Nao. The rest of them get to head back to the studio; they've made it to the challenge. They want to talk to the rest of them.

Miles starts first, says it's a death portrait. He was trying to get across tension and relief, life and death, the middle ground. Jerry grills him, and accuses him of killing Nao. Jeanne and Bill love it. Nao's . She explains her inspiration was how Miles flies everywhere, so she drew a bunch of lines. The judges tell her this isn't nearly a portrait, but she respectfully disagrees. She also condescends to them when they say they can't see the tiny portrait of Miles by saying, "Well, typically, people walk around in a gallery situation." AS IF THEY DON'T KNOW. Nao says it's not her problem if audiences aren't paying attention, and she's not responsible for "your experience of my work." China thinks it's time to move on from the awkward. Erik's up . He says he was trying to contain the clowniness and silliness of Mark's character on an easel. Bill hates the easel, and instead of selling himself, Erik says, "I'm untrained." Man, just own it and make your case. Bill says he thought of a serial killer, and Erik says he didn't mean to make him that creepy. Jerry thinks it's bad, and Erik repeats he's untrained. Jerry tells him to stop saying that, so Erik says that a professional might know one way of doing things, but for him the possibilities are endless. Not a bad save. If it's a save, that is. Mark's . He wanted to portray Erik's almost aggressive appearance, but his silly, sweet personality. The artists think Mark's right on for today, since photography's taken over portraiture. Amanda says she didn't want to use an image of Jamie, but to capture an impression of her. Bill says he sees falling leaves, and Amanda's like, "I'm an abstract painter." Jerry says it's a landscape, and won't be a portrait to anyone except Amanda. Abdi says he started noticing things about Ryan immediately, and went with those to make this bright red painting. China says you can't miss this piece because of the color choice. Jeanne loves the light, and thinks he really captured his subject. They send the artists away.

is Jaclyn Santos, 25. She's the token pretty girl. Also, she was a video assistant for Jeff Koons. Ryan giggles like a little boy when he talks to her about her self-portrait in which she's spread-eagle with a star over her naughty bits. Because, apparently even in a painting, she cannot be bothered with underwear. She says people assume she can't be an artist, and she always surprises them with her work. Lots of scantily-clad paintings. Miles Mendenhall, 23, is an installation artist. He says he grew up in rural Minnesota, with "lots of woods and building forts and, like, making bows and arrows." He takes a bath in his audition video, while eating breakfast and preparing his to-do list for the day. I'm not sure what show he thought he was auditioning for. Oh, wait, he's OCD. That's the point. But he says it's "nothing that's not manageable." Amanda Williams, 34, is an abstract painter. She was an architect, but then decided to paint. Her self-portrait is a cool red painting using her actual birth certificate. "I love that!" Nicole Nadeau, 25, an industrial designer/sculptor, shows up and Nao tells her she looks like Angelina Jolie in her self-portrait, which was abstract enough to require Nao to make some "intuitive leaps." Nicole interviews that this is rude, and that she's not going to let Nao intimidate her. Oh, good. Faux drama.

Erik Johnson, 30, is a painter who feels like this is a dream. In his casting session, he tells the interviewers that his art's never been out of the house and he's never been taught. He paints these really dark-looking paintings that you wouldn't believe are from a total amateur (in fact, I might not). They're impressed, and he says that he cried when he learned he was cast. Judith Braun, 61, who does mixed media, barely gets to talk other than to introduce us to the guy, well-known curator and artist Trong. We get a cursory intro to him, and then Peregrine Honig (32, painter/sculptor) and Jaime Lynn Henderson (24-year-old illustrator). Then there's Mark Velasquez, 32, a photographer who talks shit about Erik (the amateur), by comparing his art to a college freshman's. John Parot, 39, is a painter. He thought being on this show would be better than sharing his home studio with its cockroaches and spiders. Nao thinks his triangle painting sucks.

Now that everyone's mingled and started insulting each other, in comes China with Simon de Pury ("the Mick Jagger of art auctions"), who Jaime Lynn tells us is a really big deal. China welcomes them all to the show, and then she and Simon introduce themselves. Simon's approach to work is purely physical, and he knows in seconds if a work of art is great or not. He tells them all he'll be there to help them, advise them, support them. In other words, he's the Tim Gunn. China tells them how much she loves art, and apparently she grew up immersed in it and even knew Warhol. So, okay, she's more than just a pretty face. China tells them their first challenge: They'll each create a portrait of a competitor. A successful one will show the inner essence, not just the likeness, of their subject. They'll team up and paint each other's portrait. They have only until midnight and a few hours the day. Then they'll display the works in the gallery for a New York audience and judges. One of them will win and one will go home. But what will the catch-phrase be?

Simon takes them to their work space and gives them 30 minutes to get to know their partners. Jaclyn and Judith talk about "pussy." No, really. Apparently, Judith has done a whole series of "pussy" pieces. She uses cats in the pieces to buffer the idea that she's talking about genitals, but she thinks Jaclyn's should be "proud pussy." Oh, this is going to be fun. Jaclyn finds it a little offensive and has no idea how Judith would get that from her on first impression. (Uh, remember the starred-out, spread-eagle self-portrait?) She doesn't tell Judith she's offended. Trong and John talk. Trong's from Vietnam, and thinks versatility will help him in this. John hopes he can make a portrait as cool as Trong. Awww, what a sweetheart. [I wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic or not. He did call Trong a "hipster." - Z] Peregrine and Nicole talk. Peregrine tells Nicole she's really into lilies and hermaphrodites... what? You thought she'd say "hibiscus"? Peregrine says that the Whitney purchased her artwork for their permanent collection when she was 22. But now she's competing to be in the Brooklyn Museum? Um, why? I guess I get the art world even less than I thought. Anyway, she wants to draw Nicole "in a state of undress." Peregrine asks Nicole to take off her clothes and then tells us she took them off with her eyes, because Nicole's so beautiful.

Jaime Lynn and Amanda. Amanda's struck by all of Jaime Lynn's "ornate" (and by "ornate" she means "tacky") jewelry. Jaime Lynn's audition video: She is such a Southern belle. She says she's not just a ditzy, Christian Barbie, but also an artist. Nao and Miles. Nao's frustrated that Miles is pulling out his equipment instead of getting to know her. Erik and Mark. Erik feels out of his league, having been in the art world for "maybe six hours now." Mark works flipping burgers in his small California town, and takes what are basically stripper pictures of women on the side. In other words: This is a huge deal to him. Simon comes back, with a surprise for the artists. This show could not be more of a Project Runway rip-off. [Well, when you've got Runway showrunners Magical Elves running the show, why not use their most successful formula? - Zach] Anyway, the surprise for the artists is that Sarah Jessica Parker shows up. They're all excited, because she's their idol and stuff. Except Miles, who has no ideas who she is. WHICH IS AWESOME. I adore him. He is so weird and wonderful. Anyway, she tells them how great they are and how much she loves art, then peps them up with a "be brave, be competitive, and be yourself" talk. Miles interviews that he was joking, and is embarrassed he did that. Okay, I like him less now.

Abdi's stressed about doing this portrait in ten hours (especially since they also have to be models in those ten hours). Abdi's working with Ryan, who's a chain smoker and a vegetarian. Abdi thinks it's funny, so he's doing something with that. Jaclyn's subjects are usually young women, so it's weird for her to work with someone old like Judith. Er, she means "wise." Or something. Nicole is making a blue painting of Peregrine because her eyes are blue. Not sure that's the "inner essence" they're going for here. Ryan's painting, Trong's cutting wood on a table saw. Miles is building a darkroom, which he says is a necessity for screen-printing, since you have to flood the screens with a photo chemical. Nao's mapping Miles in the studio. She says it's not easy to get into his mind. She's making little balls of clay. Erik and Mark are goofing around for their portraits: Erik puts Mark in a clown nose, and Mark writes "KITTENZZ" on Erik's knuckles and then makes him look angry for a photo. Amanda says this is what she does: tell people's stories through abstract oil paintings.

Miles now has Nao leaning against a sheet with her eyes closed, looking dead. He explains the historical significance of death portraiture, and he says this works for her because there's something morbid about her work. Actually, he says, "The only way I was going to get a good handle on her was to... make her dead." Run far and fast, Nao! He wants to make you dead. Everyone in the whole room watches and listens to Miles's super-loud crazy work. Trong's using reptile-patterned wallpaper to capture John's essence, because John loves reptiles and snakes. It looks like he's making a series of small red square paintings, with snakes on them. Miles has a crush on Nicole, and also on Judith. Peregrine's painting Nicole fully nude, with bush and everything. I think this gets Miles a little excited. Judith thinks Jaime Lynn and Erik both suck.

Simon's back to see what they've all done so far. Amanda shows her the pattern she's making, which doesn't look like Jaime at all. It's just a flowery pattern, which Amanda says is like her jewelry. Simon agrees with me that it doesn't reflect Jaime's personality. Amanda just goes on about color and stuff. Amanda says she's not going to panic about Simon's concerns. Nao shows him her work: It looks like connect-the-dots. She says it's Miles' organizational/busyness. Simon loves it conceptually, but not visually. Nao really thought this would be easier for her. Simon seems to like Erik's portrait of Mark, which is a clown's face on a painter's palette. He's done, so he asks Simon to hit the strip clubs. Simon laughs, but says no. Erik doesn't know if finishing earlier is good or bad, because he has time to worry now. Miles shows Simon his screen-printed death portrait. Simon thinks it's a very sophisticated technique and is impressed with Miles's darkroom. Simon thinks Mark's enhanced photo of Erik is very punchy and strong. Simon tells them they'll be living at the William Beaver house during the competition. Also, the winner gets immunity for week. They all work their last half-hour until midnight. And Miles's ball breaks. Which is not a euphemism. It has something to do with his screen-printing, and it makes his OCD act up.

William Beaver house. It's awesome, especially for homeless or nearly homeless artists. Everyone's excited and happy, except Miles, who's in bed stressing out. morning, they get up early and head back to the studio. Nao makes a smart decision to use a photo portrait of Miles with her connect-the-dots pattern of him. Miles is winging it with a little bit of screen-printing that he can actually do. Amanda's excited about how hers looks, but not sure about what the judges will think. Judith thinks it's more interesting to hear described than to look at. Nao's helping Nicole, and John thinks she should work on her own. Miles feels confident about his finished product, even though it's not the original idea. Simon's there to tell them time's up. Erik says it's the first time he'll ever be critiqued on his art, and he's scared shitless. Commercials. I'm sorry if this makes me insane, but I am loving Tom Cruise in this Knight and Day trailer.

During the commercial break, we get a bonus scene where they're back at the William Beaver house deciding who gets what room. Nao, Judith and Nicole all want the single room, so they rock-paper-scissors and Nicole's the winner. But they give it to Judith because she's old. And she's not going to argue about it.

Miles starts first, says it's a death portrait. He was trying to get across tension and relief, life and death, the middle ground. Jerry grills him, and accuses him of killing Nao. Jeanne and Bill love it. Nao's . She explains her inspiration was how Miles flies everywhere, so she drew a bunch of lines. The judges tell her this isn't nearly a portrait, but she respectfully disagrees. She also condescends to them when they say they can't see the tiny portrait of Miles by saying, "Well, typically, people walk around in a gallery situation." AS IF THEY DON'T KNOW. Nao says it's not her problem if audiences aren't paying attention, and she's not responsible for "your experience of my work." China thinks it's time to move on from the awkward. Erik's up . He says he was trying to contain the clowniness and silliness of Mark's character on an easel. Bill hates the easel, and instead of selling himself, Erik says, "I'm untrained." Man, just own it and make your case. Bill says he thought of a serial killer, and Erik says he didn't mean to make him that creepy. Jerry thinks it's bad, and Erik repeats he's untrained. Jerry tells him to stop saying that, so Erik says that a professional might know one way of doing things, but for him the possibilities are endless. Not a bad save. If it's a save, that is. Mark's . He wanted to portray Erik's almost aggressive appearance, but his silly, sweet personality. The artists think Mark's right on for today, since photography's taken over portraiture. Amanda says she didn't want to use an image of Jaime, but to capture an impression of her. Bill says he sees falling leaves, and Amanda's like, "I'm an abstract painter." Jerry says it's a landscape, and won't be a portrait to anyone except Amanda. Abdi says he started noticing things about Ryan immediately, and went with those to make this bright red painting. China says you can't miss this piece because of the color choice. Jeanne loves the light, and thinks he really captured his subject. They send the artists away.

Judges are pretty impressed with how much they accomplished in 13 hours. Their favorites: They love Miles's sexy death portrait, and giving a contemporary spin to this historical thing. They think Abdi's painting is fantastic, and he captured his subject. They thought Mark captured the spirit, and that Mark's work has a positive commercial aspect. They move on to the worst: Bill's embarrassed by the clown painting, but Jerry's just annoyed it's not a portrait but a clown painting. They think Nao got lost in Miles's head, and it's way too obscure. They also don't like that she didn't listen to their critiques. Amanda: They wouldn't know it was a portrait. Jeanne thinks it looks like very good wallpaper. Heidi... er, I mean China asks if they've made their decision. This is so much like Project Runway that it's annoying me. Commercials.

The three best artists are back with the judges, but only one of them can win. China congratulates Miles: "You're the winner of this challenge." (Sound familiar?) Miles is ready to make more art, which is when he's the most calm. They head back and send out the sucky ones. China tells them that good art should make you feel something and their work didn't. Well, to be fair, Erik's made Bill feel embarrassed. Jerry tells Nao there was a lot of process, but not enough portrait, in her work. Jeanne tells Erik that he back-pedaled a lot, but there's no excuse for bad painting. Bill tells Amanda her piece didn't communicate anything about Jaime. China says one of them is leaving tonight. "Amanda... your work of art didn't work for us." Ooh, that's not a catchy catch-phrase. Amanda doesn't think she should be leaving. She says goodbye to everyone. She's going to keep going on this amazing journey to make art her career.

Coming up this season: Jaclyn gets even sluttier. Erik blow-dries Mark's hair. Someone tells Erik he doesn't deserve to be there. Lots of insults, from judges, China and each other. Looks like a fun time. This was actually a lot easier to follow -- even for a non-art major like myself -- than I thought. I hope you'll stick around.

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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, thinks maybe this show should have called itself Project Gallery. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.