Recapping a show that has already been cancelled is a bit anticlimactic. There's really no reason for me to point out what's working and not working, since there's no chance of improvement or status quo. There is no quo. No quo to go.
So.
We open on some pink flamingos frozen on a lawn. Pan down to Darrin walking down his driveway, looking through mail. Jaye reminds him that they stop serving breakfast at 11. Darrin hands her the invitation to her high-school class reunion. The Rooster Class of '98 is getting together after six years. Darrin suggests that Jaye fill out a change of address form. Jaye knows that if she does that, they'll know where she lives. "Lots of people live in trailer parks," Darrin tells her, doing something confusing to the passenger seat of the car. "There's no shame in that." Jaye says she's not ashamed, so Darrin tells her she shouldn't skip her ten-year reunion. Jaye says that it's only a six-and-a-half-year reunion, and that she doesn't miss any of those people yet: "I don't think that's a problem time can solve." Darrin is livid to see that his recycling bin is overturned. "Do you have any idea how much those sanitation jokers make in a year?" Darrin bellows, getting out of the car to clean up the mess. "A lot?" Jaye wagers. Darrin walks over to the bins, complaining that they should have a little pride in their work: "This is just sloppy!" As Darrin begins wheeling the bins back toward the house, Jaye points out that this is just garbage. Darrin tells Jaye that Sharon really enjoyed her high-school reunion. "Sharon also enjoyed 4H," says Jaye, tossing her invitation into the recycling bin.
Darrin continues on toward the house as Jaye flips through her catalog. Suddenly, one of the pink flamingos moves its head. Jaye widens her eyes as the music becomes mystical. Jaye makes a constipated face. Darrin fills the passenger window. "Hate to see you miss out. That's all," he says. Jaye says she'll wear her Wonderfalls smock, since it already has her name stitched on it. "Don't denigrate what you do!" says Darrin, with pointed finger. Jaye smirks: "I sell plastic canoes and refrigerator magnets." Darrin sets his jaw and gives a slight nod, agreeing with his daughter, before he concludes, "It's only temporary." Darrin heads back to the other bins as Jaye goes back to her catalog. Then the pink flamingo sasses to Jaye, "Get off your ass!" Jaye says, "He's fine!" She checks with Darrin to make sure. Darrin says he just has a couple more bins to go. "See? He's managing," Jaye brats to the flamingo. My dad would have had me, my sister, and any other person under sixteen lugging those bins back to the house while he went through the mail. The flamingo takes a moment to kind of blink in sort of slow motion. Jaye reads. "Just...get off your ass," the flamingo says again. Jaye says she's not listening, and rolls up her window. Darrin walks past to the bins again. Jaye sees the flamingoes (is it "es" or just "s"? My spellcheck likes both of them) walking into the driver's side of the car. Darrin is babbling in the background about the service industry as Jaye shoos the birds out of the car and closes the door. As she settles back, she unknowingly knocks the car out of Park. Then she reads her catalog as the car begins to roll backwards. Jaye can't seem to get into the driver's side fast enough to apply the brake, nor does this car come equipped with an emergency brake, so the car rolls off-screen, where we hear Darrin ad-lib many lines and then improvise some pained noises as a Foley artist goes wild, even tossing in a few metal trash-can sounds, even though their bins were plastic. Close-up on a flamingo. Wacky!
Hospital. Darrin examines his own x-ray. Jaye asks how many fractures before it's multiple. "Two," Darrin answers. Jaye asks how many he has. "Seven," he answers. Sharon quips, "And people say you're an underachiever!" Someone has given Darrin a balloon with a pink flamingo on it. Karen asks how someone runs a person down from the passenger seat. As Darrin complains about the x-ray team, Jaye notices the flamingo balloon, which boldly states: "GET OFF YOUR ASS!" Then: "Get Well Soon." Sharon wonders if Jaye did it on purpose, so that she could get an early inheritance. Karen says that Jaye's not motivated enough to be a cold-blooded killer: "She's never been a planner." Jaye shouts that it was an accident. Sharon defines it as "contributory negligence." Jaye asks if they can pretend this never happened. Karen says that's what the morphine is for. Sharon and Darrin then discuss the finer points of constipation and stool softeners. Darrin begins negotiating which gadgets he does and doesn't need to be charged for. He pushes a cart with a machine out of the way, causing Sharon to note that it stopped on its own without hitting anybody. Jaye then awkwardly tries to help, jamming a pillow under her father's shattered leg until he screams. Karen asks if he needs more drugs. Darrin says he wants a pudding parfait from the cafeteria. Jaye offers to go get it. "Let me!" says the nurse, high-tailing it out of there. Sharon and Karen leave. Jaye asks if she can stay. She says they can still have breakfast: "I'll go get waffles." Darrin says, "I'm having pudding parfait." He tells her to go to work. Jaye asks Darrin if he hates her. Darrin says he doesn't: "I know, when you're careless, it's not because you don't care. These things happen with you." He goes back to studying his chart as Jaye leaves.
Out in the parking lot, Sharon lights a cigarette and heads to her car. Does her SUV change every week? A VW bug pulls up. It's Bitch Boy's ex-wife, Sharon's maybe-girlfriend. She got rid of those weird bangs, which is good. Sharon asks her what she's doing there. The girl says that the last thing Sharon said before hanging up was "My sister killed my father. I'm going to the ER." Sharon says he's fine, and apologizes for that. Sharon's so pretty. The girl asks if they're still on for tonight: "You still owe me a date." Sharon takes just a second before smiling. "Absolutely!" she says, with too much enthusiasm. "I wouldn't miss it for the world!" She takes a quick look to her right and then immediately hisses, "Drive away!" The music takes a scary turn as Sharon growls at the girl to drive away immediately. Karen walks up to Sharon to give her a pamphlet on quitting smoking. Karen introduces herself to the woman in the car. "I don't know her," Sharon says immediately. "I thought you two were talking," says Karen. Sharon says she said she didn't know Karen would see Sharon here. She introduces the girl as Beth. Karen asks how they know each other. As Sharon tries to think of a lie, Jaye saunters up and does it for her: "Carpool. They carpool together." Karen and Sharon share a look before Karen asks, "Have you gone Green?" Jaye says she thinks Sharon is a closet environmentalist. There's an awkward pause, and then Beth stage-whispers, "Carpool?" Sharon gets into Beth's car. "Bye," Beth smiles, and drives away. Karen says that Beth seems like a nice girl: "I bet she has a boyfriend."
View-Master to Niagara Falls. Tour boats. Wonderfalls. Mouthbreather tells Jaye that she's late. Jaye says that her father had an accident. Before Mouthbreather can finish warning her that a friend from high school is here, we hear Gretchen shriek, "Jaye!" Jaye whimpers, "This is not happening." She opens the door to Mouthbreather's office to find Gretchen on the phone, legs propped on the desk. She puts Jaye on hold for a second as she finishes up her call. She's arguing with a caterer about the dietary needs of the Jewish. She hangs up, rests her chin gently on her fingers, and asks, "How fun is this?" She asks Mouthbreather to excuse them. "Thank you," he says, leaving. Gretchen tells Jaye she's the new manager, and then bursts into giggles. "Could you imagine?" She tells Jaye she's in town for the reunion. She says she'll be "pilgrimaging in Israel" in another three and a half years, so she had to make the reunion earlier: "As Senior Class President, there is no reunion without me." Also her life is so great right now that she couldn't wait that long to brag to everyone how awesome everything is going. She says she's got a problem, though: all of the class officers are so busy with their careers, families, hopes, and dreams that they can't help her plan the reunion. Hence: Jaye. Jaye says it's time for her break.
Gretchen follows Jaye through the shop, telling her that she has to help. Jaye says she doesn't. Gretchen says she does. Jaye says she doesn't. Gretchen says she does.
Barrel. Jaye says she doesn't. Gretchen says she does. Jaye says she doesn't. Gretchen says she does. Jaye says she doesn't. Gretchen says she does. Jaye says she doesn't. Gretchen says she does. Nameless Friend approaches Jaye and says, "You stepped in something and dragged it all the way in here for us to smell." Gretchen gushes, "Oh, my God! I can't believe you two still hang out! Janet, you look fantastic!" Soon-To-Not-Be-Nameless Friend's smile drops: "It's Mahandra." Ta da! Gretchen asks, "Oh, you changed your name?" Mahandra says she didn't. Gretchen's still talking, saying she changed her name to Mrs. Robert Horowitz. She hands Mahandra one of her couples' cards. She says that Amy Grant and Vince Gill have them. It's a picture of Robert and Gretchen, looking like realtors, to their address (Gretchen lives on Bossy Meadow Road. No kidding.). Gretchen says they'll meet him tomorrow night. "He's much more Jewish than I am," she says. "Mostly because he's born that way." Jaye puts her gum in the card and folds it up. Gretchen calls herself a Christmas and Easter Jew, which is the best line of the episode. Gretchen asks if she can put Jaye down for unstacking chairs and tables. Mahandra asks what Gretchen's talking about. "The reunion," says Jaye. Mahandra laughs. Then Eric just kind of wanders into the shot, turns, and says, "Oh, I loved high school." Hello, random. Eric's working the bar for the reunion, so he'll be there. Mahandra realizes that the bar is The Barrel, and that she'll be a part of the reunion, too. Gretchen says she'll sweeten the deal by making Jaye the balloon filler, so that she can use the helium tank: "You always enjoyed that sort of thing." Jaye says she can't help because her father is in the hospital. Mahandra is shocked to find out that Darrin's in the hospital until Jaye says he got run over. Then Mahandra says, full of empathy, "I'm sure you didn't mean to." Jaye is open-mouthed with shock. Gretchen says that the reunion is going to be beautiful, with Chinese lanterns and a photo-filled Memory Lane. Gretchen tells Jaye she'd do it without Jaye if she could. Jaye says that her cell phone is ringing. Mahandra says she doesn't have a cell phone. Jaye asks if she can use Eric's phone. He hands it over. Gretchen squeals that Jaye has to help, as Jaye walks away from the bar.
Jaye makes a phone call. She calls Darrin and asks how he's doing. Darrin says he's fine. Jaye asks when he's checking out, so that she can give him a ride. Darrin says he's not checking out tonight. He says they're holding him over for some routine tests. Pull back to reveal a poker game among Darrin and a few doctors, at his bed. Jaye then goes to answer the call waiting, on this phone that's not hers. "Eric's phone, who's calling?" Jaye answers. "His wife," says the voice on the other line. Jaye turns to look at Eric, who is practicing his Cocktail moves. "Are you there?" asks Eric's wife. "Hello? I said 'His wife'?" Jaye asks, "His cheating wife? The wife who broke his heart?" The wife asks whom she's talking to. Jaye says, "Eric can't talk right now because he's servicing me sexually." She hangs up and clicks back over to Darrin. She asks if he wants her to swing by the house and pick up the Sounds of the Rain Forest sleep machine. Darrin says he's fine. Jaye asks if she can give him a ride home tomorrow. Darrin says Sharon's going to do it, because her car is bigger. And already there. Jaye asks whether Darrin's going to have waffles with Sharon. Darrin sees the arrival of the pizza guy and tells Jaye the nurse just brought his dinner.
Back at the bar, Jaye tells Eric that her sister just took Jaye's place because Jaye refused to get off her ass. Gretchen gathers up her things, telling Jaye Gretchen can tell Jaye's not into this. She says it'll be a lot of work, but that she'll manage without Jaye. Mahandra says it takes some people long enough to get the hint. "Get the hint," says the bass on the wall. "Get off your ass." Do you think that if we saw all thirteen episodes we'd know why this was happening -- why objects were talking to Jaye? And do you think we'd find out why she just decided to listen to them? And how come she always makes the same shocked face every time the object speaks to her? They don't really have personalities, nor do they teach her anything. They just say one thing over and over again all day or for a week or whatever. Jaye asks the fish what he just said. "Help Gretchen," he says, in scary CGI. "Get off your ass." Jaye stands up and screams, "Okay, I'll do it!" Mahandra knocks over her tray of glasses, shattering them. Close-up on Jaye, who pouts, "I'd love to help you with the reunion." Mahandra is open-mouthed, shocked. Gretchen giggles. Jaye makes a fake smile a she stares off into space. View-Master out.
It is at this point that Stee's mother turns to me with this look on her face. She's the nicest woman in the world, and very tactful. After a pause, she concluded, "She's not very...winning, is she?" I agree that she isn't. "I don't like her tone," she says. "So caustic." To be fair, the night she watched Joan of Arcadia and came to the same conclusion. Except she called Jason Ritter "an ugly thing." Maybe Stee's mom could do some guest recapping. ["She sounds like she's got the right stuff. Tell her to pitch me a Mondo Extra sometime." -- Wing Chun]
Jaye's trailer. Close-up on her yearbook photo. Clubs: none. Sports: none. Honors: none. ["How'd she get into her fancy Ivy League school, then?" -- Wing Chun] Jaye clips out old photos as Mahandra complains that her friend is helping the antichrist throw a reunion. Jaye says it could be fun -- ribbing with old friends, catching up on old times: "It'll be like a beer commercial. You like beer!" Mahandra asks Jaye if she's been huffing puff paint. She says this isn't like Jaye. Jaye says that she's not "like" anything. Mahandra asks Jaye why she's doing this. Jaye says she doesn't have a choice: "I'm a puppet. The universe just sticks its hand up my butt, and if I don't dance, people get hurt." Mahandra asks, "Is this because you tried to kill your father?" Jaye says she doesn't know: "Maybe. Maybe that is why." She asks Mahandra to come with her and help goof on everybody. Hey, are you liking the recap more when I just report what's happening, like in this scene? I'm doing a kind of every-other-scene kind of thing, so that those who love the show can remember it for the way it was, and those who hated it can get their fair share of snark. Because with every other scene, I do believe I'm literally beating a dead horse. Mahandra points out that one of their old classmates is now a city councilwoman. She deadpans how much fun it'll be for the retail clerk and the cocktail waitress to goof on a city councilwoman: "Oh! Oh! And the astronaut!" Jaye asks who that is. Mahandra: "Kent Rylander." Jaye says that this whole early reunion thing is throwing off her timetable. She was counting on the three years to invent something or become an overnight success. She wonders if they'd believe her if she said she was a spy, and that's why her slate looks so blank. Mahandra finds her senior photo. It was the week Gretchen put activator in her shampoo. Mahandra sports a mighty fro. Jaye says it was a good look for Black History Month. Mahandra reminds Jaye that her hair then all fell out. "I'm going," she decides. "I've got my own list of things to do. And at the top of it? Destroy Gretchen Speck." She says that Jaye may be the universe's butt puppet, but that Mahandra's its right hand fist of fate: "And tonight? Accounts are coming due."
Sharon helps Darrin into the mansion, screaming Karen's name. There's no answer, because Darrin told Karen she didn't have to be there for him. He didn't want Karen to cancel her plans for the night, and that he's going to be fine. Sharon reminds Darrin that his foot has to be checked every forty-five minutes to make sure it doesn't turn blue. Darrin says he can see his foot just fine. Sharon says she has to meet someone, but asks if there's anything he needs? "Wouldn't say no to a blanket," he says. Sharon grabs one. She hands Darrin the remote. Darrin thanks her, kisses her goodbye, and then asks for the chenille blanket from the den, because the afghan she tossed on him is a little scratchy. He then asks if he can have a can of soda with ice. As Sharon heads to the kitchen, Darrin adds, "I wouldn't say no to a cookie."
The Barrel is a very strange bar. Is it daytime now, when they're setting up the decorations? It's always dark in there, and lit like it's a restaurant. No work lights in the place at all. One of the volunteers wheels by and says, "Jaye Tyler! I didn't know you'd be here. Hi!" And then he wheels away, saying he'll see her that night. Jaye admits that she has no idea who he is. But that goes against the concept that Jaye was unpopular and anti-social, if a guy knows who she is and is happy to see her. Dead horse, y'all. Moving on. Gretchen squeals when she sees "The Two J's." I kind of like Mahandra's name as Janet, too, since I'm just getting used to her having a name at all. "Mahandra," she tells Gretchen. "Shalom!" Gretchen greets back. Heh. Jaye asks where all the volunteers came from. Gretchen says she got the marching-band list: "The response was so overwhelming, I had to turn away anything with a spit valve!" She points to the can of helium. She then tells the girls that Robert is flying in early tonight, and that they're going to have a private VIP pre-party for just close friends and posse, so she'd appreciate it if Jaye and Mahandra didn't tell any of the band geek losers about it. She says it's strictly "A-list." Jaye says they'll be there. Gretchen skips off. Mahandra shoots Jaye a death glare. As she fills a balloon with helium, she discusses how Gretchen is going to pay, pay some more, pay with some interest, take out a Sallie Mae loan to pay that other thing, have to float a check to cover her ass while she's paying before she actually gets paid, and then pay it forward. Jaye says that she already told Mahandra that she can't actively participate in any Gretchen sabotage. I guess that was a scene we missed. Jaye: "There could be consequences." Mahandra inhales a balloon. "You suck," she squeaks.
Darrin yells for Sharon to remember not to put onions in the salad.
In the kitchen, Sharon makes a cell-phone call to Beth. "Hi, it's me," she says. Then for no reason there's a quick pull back with that rumbling wave noise they use to make it feel like there's an urgency to the camera motion. Then there's another one to break into split screen. We see Beth at her office of some kind as Sharon breaks their plans for tonight. She says that her father just got out of the hospital, and that she has to babysit. She says that her family dumps everything on her because they assume she has no life. Beth says that this is because they don't know anything about her life. I think Beth works as a contractor for a construction company. She tells Sharon she's disappointed. Sharon says that things are complicated. Beth says Sharon can call in the future if things ever get less complicated. Sharon can't believe Beth's blowing her off. Beth says Sharon did it first. Sharon picks up a bottle of pills and reads the warning label: "May Cause Drowsiness." The oboe lets us know that some shenanigans are afoot. "I think things just got a lot less complicated," says Sharon.
View-Master to the Sheraton Hotel. Night. Gretchen opens her door and squeals, "Hi, hi, hi!" Mahandra and Jaye look pained. "Hi," says Jaye. Gretchen invites them in, saying they look great. Scary music leads us to Karen, who is in the room. "Mom?" she asks. Karen turns around: "You made the A-list, dear. I'm so proud." Jaye asks what she's doing there. Karen says she's been on the A-list since Jaye was a sophomore. Jaye can't believe Karen's going to her reunion. Mahandra asks where the posse is. Gretchen says that they are her posse. She calls Mahandra "Girlfriend." Mahandra is livid. Gretchen heads to the photo album of the wedding. They all sit down on the couch to look at pictures. Gretchen says that her ceremony was very traditional. Jaye looks at a photo and asks why pilgrims are carrying her on folding chairs. Karen: "Jaye, stop. You saw Fiddler." We see a photo of Robert. "He's very distinguished," Karen compliments (read: ugly). Gretchen says he has good teeth because he comes from a family of orthodontists. She gets up to answer her cell phone, which plays, of course, "Hava Nagila." We can tell that Gretchen gets bad news from the call. She hands up and heads back to the couch. Karen asks if everything's okay. "Great!" Gretchen says. "He's not coming." She points out their honeymoon photos: "Here we are spear-fishing. And here you can see Robert doesn't love me." Karen says she's sure that's not true. Gretchen says he'd be there if he loved her: "He promised. But Robert makes me a lot of promises." She says he promised he'd have sex with her, but that he hasn't touched her in months. Mahandra backs away from that one, instead of moving in for the kill like we'd imagine she'd...or rather Jaye'd do. Karen says that men, especially career-driven ones, go through periods like that. Gretchen says she changed religions for Robert: "I'm not going to Heaven now. What more does he want?" Gretchen leaves the room in tears. Karen tells Jaye to go talk to her. Jaye does.
Jaye walks into the bathroom and says, "Hey." Gretchen cries, saying she's so embarrassed: "I promised myself I wouldn't do this in front of friends." Jaye starts, "Oh, we're not your..." but she stops herself. "It's fine." Gretchen wonders what people must think of her. Jaye makes kind of the same joke: "Nobody thinks of you. Badly." Gretchen wonders if people see her as a pathetic blonde who peaked in high school and is so desperate to reclaim her past glory she bumped up their reunion by three and a half years just to brag that she's married. Jaye only answers, "Uhhhh..." Gretchen says she wanted to get some of her old mojo back, recapture that magic, so that Robert could see her for who she was: "And then he'd love me." She says it's pitiful. Jaye says that Gretchen doesn't seem all that different. "You're just trying to make me feel better," says Gretchen. Jaye asks if it's working. Gretchen says a sentence that doesn't exactly fit in with the context of this scene: "Jaye Tyler, look at you. Getting my mind off my troubles by taking my pain and making it about you." Jaye says it's a gift. Gretchen agrees. They hug. "And I accept," Gretchen says. She says she's not going to let Robert spoil this night for her or for the people looking forward to seeing her. She cleans up her face and asks Jaye to help her with her Booster Rooster pin from spirit club. It goes in her hair. It's very ugly. Gretchen realizes Jaye wasn't a part of any clubs. "No," Jaye agrees. They stare at each other in the mirror for a little while. "You're a real friend," says Gretchen. Cue the Booster Rooster: "Destroy Gretchen." Jaye is wide-eyed, shocked. Gretchen asks how she looks. The psychedelic guitars take over as Jaye tells her she looks great. Gretchen heads out of the bathroom. "I can do this," she chants to herself. "Destroy her," the rooster says. Jaye is open-mouthed, shocked. View-Master out.
Reunion. A group of girls look happy to see Jaye. Karen asks if those are her friends from English Lit. Jaye says she didn't have any friends. The girls bum-rush Karen, so happy to see her. Gretchen says she faced these people for four years without a husband, so she can easily go solo for a few hours. Jaye says it could just be a half-hour, and that they don't have to push it. Gretchen says she'd be a puddle on the floor of that luxury suite if not for Jaye. She thanks Jaye again, and then heads into the party. "Destroy Gretchen," says the pin again. "Destroy her!" Jaye is open-mouthed, wide-eyed, shocked. "So regarding the destroying," she quickly says to Mahandra. Mahandra gives Jaye the hand and says, "Spare me the lecture." She says that even if Gretchen is Jaye's new best friend, Mahandra still thinks that girl is the devil. Jaye says she's in. She'd love nothing more than to chop Gretchen up into little pieces and demolish her. Mahandra can't believe she sounded so crazy, wanting to destroy Gretchen. She tells Jaye to put the mirror away: "That is not the Janet I want to be." You know, when these people are apparently charmed and/or convinced by Jaye when she wasn't trying to help and/or charm them, the acting comes off a lot like someone on the opposite side of Jack Tripper's kitchen door, thinking that there's sex going on when Chrissie and Janet help Jack stuff a turkey. This has happened in every episode where someone's all, "Jaye, you're right. Thanks." And she's all, "Huh? No, I don't want to help." Or, "No, I was just..." and they're all, "You're awesome. I love you. Thank you for being so amazing." Mahandra says that this party might not altogether suck. She then spots the only other African-American graduate of the Class of '98, and heads over to catch up.
Then in weird slow-motion, to some kind of fake tribal music, a Marine walks into the reunion. Still in weird slow-motion, he takes off his hat and looks, open-mouthed, wide-eyed, into the reunion. "I can do this," he says to himself. "I can do this," he says again.
Eric is wiping the counter with his ubiquitous bar rag. Jaye orders: "Vodka. Hemlock chaser." Eric hands her a drink, saying that Gretchen is buying everyone's first round. "Oh, Gretchen, she's great," Jaye drones. "I have to destroy her." Eric says that's too bad. He asks if she knows all these people. Jaye admits that she knows quite a few of the people there. Eric says he didn't know anybody in high school, even though he "loved" it, but that he knew all their names and the letters in their names. Jaye then quizzes Eric on his name-letter-counting Rain Man skills. Eric asks Jaye how she's going to destroy her friend. Jaye says that Gretchen's not her friend, but that she was planning on drinking the rest of her drink, stumbling over to Gretchen, and saying something derogatory enough to make her cry. She then "remembers" that Eric's wife, Heidi, called when she was borrowing his phone a few days ago, and that she told Heidi that Eric was busy servicing her sexually. This seems to please Eric. They share a smirky flirt. Jaye says she'd rather destroy Heidi instead, since she deserves it. Jaye walks away. Zoom into Eric's pupil as it dilates. Fireworks go off. Eric stares off into space, smiling.
Sharon cooks up druggy hot milk and cookies. Playing like a scene from Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, Sharon carries a tray up the stairs to her father's room. Darrin stops reading his Made in Texas book long enough to thank her and ask if his toes are blue. Sharon says they're fine. She wishes him a good night.
The reunion is raging, dude. In the back, back, back, Jaye pouts, alone. Eric joins her and asks how the destruction of Gretchen Speck-Horowitz is going. Apparently her couple cards are all over the floor. Jaye says she's just working out a few details. She admits that she's not really into doing it, but that it's expected of her. Eric says he understands -- these people see her in a certain light and figure she'll do something like that. Jaye says that objects talk to her and tell her to do things. When will Eric realize that she's not kidding when she says that every week? Jaye whines that Gretchen is just so tragic. She used to tell everybody that the girl with muscular dystrophy was a drunk, because she thought she was a drunk. Eric says that Gretchen will probably destroy herself. Jaye is very upset to find out that she has pity for Gretchen. Eric says that's not such a bad thing. Jaye says it is if she's supposed to destroy Gretchen. Eric says she shouldn't do it, then. Jaye says it's making her sick how she wants to help Gretchen. Eric says she should help Gretchen. Jaye: "But...the chicken!" Eric tells her to defy the chicken. He says he's not really grasping the poultry reference, but that he didn't go to her high school. Jaye asks if she should just follow her gut. "Without a doubt," says Eric. Jaye says that her gut is telling her to get Gretchen's no-good husband here so that she can have her perfect, pathetic night. Eric says it sounds like a perfect, pathetic solution. "Screw the chicken!" says Jaye. "I'm gonna save that bitch's marriage!"
The doorbell rings. "Dad!" Sharon shouts.
Zoom-y sound as we see Darin is asleep. "Dad!"
Sharon answers the door. It's Beth. "Hi," she says. "Wow," Sharon whispers, breathless. Then she screams, "Dad?" Beth asks if the coast is clear. Sharon says it is. Beth grabs Sharon. They giggle and fall into the house.
Reunion. The Marine is watching Gretchen, smitten. He is almost ready to talk to her, but Jaye pushes him to the side to talk to Gretchen instead. Jaye asks Gretchen how she's holding up. Gretchen says that this is hard, because everyone keeps asking about Robert. Jaye suggests that Gretchen stop handing out the cards. She says she needs to use Gretchen's phone. Gretchen gives it to her. "Everything reminds me of him," she says. Jaye tells her to try to be brave. She leaves. Gretchen turns and exhales. She looks at the Marine. Before they can talk to each other, more girls swoop in and take Gretchen away, happy to see her, needing her to do something she wasn't ready for, some kind of announcement or whatever. The Marine is saddened.
Jaye calls "Robert's Cell" (212.555.4556).
Robert's eating candy out of a box that rests near a bouquet of roses as he drives his car. He answers the phone, thinking it's Gretchen ("Call from: Princess"), saying he's on his way, so he doesn't want any more of her guilt. Jaye can't get a word in as Robert goes on and on about how he's sorry, and he can't believe he's already apologizing to her. He was going to skip this weekend so that she had a good time, since they never get two words out before they're fighting. Jaye asks how Gretchen ever gets two words out. Robert asks who's on the phone. Jaye tells him to come with flowers and candy. Robert closes the box on the candy, and immediately gets into what sounds like a fatal accident. Dude, he screams as we hear a semi. Outlook not so good. Jaye -- not even fazed enough to flinch -- asks, "Hello?" View-Master out.
Gretchen is on-stage, handing out awards for farthest traveled, whatever. Jaye goes up to the bar, saying she may have killed a man. She says she has to start expecting it like her family does: "Even when I try to help, it's a disaster." She orders another drink, something that will leave a good stain. He hands her a drink. "I'm done fighting," Jaye says. "From now on, I'm fate's bitch."
Gretchen hands out the award for the best fashion sense. It goes to Karen Tyler. As Karen goes up to accept her award, Jaye walks in front of her. She looks at Gretchen and says, "I destroy you." She then dumps her drink on the front of Gretchen's dress. It was funnier in the teaser, when it seemed even more ineffective and apathetic. Anyway, people are gasping like Carrie got hit with the pig blood and everyone saw her dirty pillows. Eric looks upset. Gretchen sobs and runs off the stage, pushing the Marine in the process. Jaye hands Karen her award with a "congratulations." Karen smiles, and then leaves.
Sharon and Beth make out off-camera. Sharon sits up with a start when she thinks she hears a shuffling. Beth sits up and says she doesn't hear anything. She says this might not have been a great idea, in Sharon's parents' house: "You're tense enough about them as it is." Sharon: "'Tense'? I'm not tense. I'm so far from tense, I'm past tense!" (For the record: this is the only line that got Stee's mom laughing.) Beth says it's okay if this is stressful, since it's not easy for Beth either. She was married and living with a man recently. Sharon apologizes and says she promises to relax. They go out of frame again as Beth says this would be even more stressful if she were actually gay. Sharon's up again. Beth says she's not exclusively gay. She likes men. "I'm not a man," says Sharon. Beth smiles and says she noticed that: "Like, pretty specifically noticed." Beth goes to kiss Sharon again, but Sharon turns her head, open-mouthed, shocked. Beth asks if this is going to be an issue. Sharon says it's not an issue, "it's a full subscription." She asks Beth if she's ever been with a woman before. "Yeah, I was in a sorority," says Beth. Sharon says she was, too, but she never got any. "Have you ever had sex with a man?" Beth asks. Sharon's all grossed out, repeating, "No, no." This prompts Beth to ask Sharon if it bothers her that Beth has. Sharon asks if she will again. "I don't know," says Beth. "You tell me." Before they can kiss again, there's a scary moment they're leaving us with on this show of Darrin in his tighty-whiteys, swaying at the bottom of the stairs, humming a strange tune as he watches his daughter make out with a woman. The cast got higher on his leg, I think. He stumbles out of the living room, spilling a glass of water with one hand, a remote in the other. "His toes weren't blue, were they?" Sharon asks Beth.
Karen is lost or something and finds Jaye in the back, back, back room of The Barrel. Jaye asks if she's mad at her. "Oh, don't be ridiculous," says Karen, since Jaye does something this mortifying every two days. There's not enough energy to get upset with her anymore. Jaye apologizes for ruining Karen's moment. Karen says that this night isn't about her, and that she understands why Jaye did what she did: "It's my fault. I somehow gave you the impression that I wanted a daughter like Gretchen Speck." See? It's happening again. Everyone around Jaye is so nice, thoughtful, caring, and compassionate that they see their own mistakes and flaws and wants to fix them so it betters Jaye's life. It's so maddening. Karen describes Gretchen, and Jaye says that those adjectives also describe Sharon. "Well, married," Karen adds. Karen says that Gretchen is miserable, trapped in her perfect life, and that's not something Karen wants for Jaye. Karen worries about Jaye, because Karen's Jaye's mother: "And as your mother, I don't care what those people think of you now. Because in my heart, you will always be head cheerleader." Um...thanks? Jaye realizes that Karen's looking for the back door. "Is there one?" Karen asks. Jaye points her to it.
Gretchen's in some enormous empty room somewhere that might be a bathroom but isn't really, talking to herself through her tears, shouting, "It was all a trick!" She shouts that Jaye wormed her way into the decorating committee: "You will rue the day, Jaye Tyler! I will get you back so hard!" The Marine shows up and says too loudly, "Having a good time?" Gretchen wails that she's not. Her makeup's ruined and her dress is covered in a rum-based beverage. The Marine tells her it's a Mai Tai. "My you what?" Gretchen asks. Boo. The Marine repeats that it's a Mai Tai. Gretchen says that Jaye owes her a new dress. The Marine says he owes Jaye, since he's been wanting to talk to Gretchen all night, but wasn't able to get Gretchen alone and never got the chance. Gretchen tells the Marine he's in the ladies' room. She says her dress is beyond ruined. The Marine tells Gretchen that she's still the most beautiful woman there. Gretchen asks him who he is. "Chuck Aaronson." He had like, every class with Gretchen in school, and transferred into the ones he didn't. Gretchen says that's creepy. "I know," says the Marine. "I'm sorry. I didn't want it to be creepy. I know that it is. It's just, uh, I love you. I've loved you since the first moment I saw you. I've been thinking about you for the last six and a half years." Gretchen: "So flattering. Yet somehow, not less creepy." She starts to go. The Marine says he dated other women and joined the military, even meditated to try to shake her from his thoughts. Gretchen says he's obsessed, and it's been a long time since someone's been obsessed with her. The Marine asks about Robert. Gretchen fixes her hair and makeup and says that Robert's great if she made a list of what she wanted in a husband. Which she did. And he's that list. The Marine asks if Robert is the man of her dreams. "He's the man of my list," she says. "Do you love him?" The Marine asks. Gretchen stops mid-gloss and stares at herself. "I'm sorry, what did you say?" she asks. The Marine asks again if Gretchen loves Robert. Gretchen realizes: "No. I don't." She turns to the Marine and says she doesn't love her husband: "Did I ever? I mean, I converted for him. That's a lot of work! There's like, tests and stuff!" She says she was so busy worrying that Robert didn't love her that she never considered if she loved him. "Poor Robert," she says. "And lucky me," says the Marine. He gets in close to Gretchen and asks, "Are you feeling the connection here?" Gretchen smiles. "No connection." She holds up her left hand. "There's Mace! But there's no connection."
Jaye's still pouting. Now Mahandra joins her. She says she doesn't know who Jaye's become, channeling Tonya Harding. She asks Jaye if she ever plans on coming out of the back, back, back room. She says that Jaye's about to be voted "Most Spiteful." Jaye says they can't add a category. Then she pouts, "Great. You're mad at me, too." Not that anyone other than Gretchen has been mad at her yet. Mahandra's angry that she felt sorry for Gretchen. She says she doesn't know if she can forgive Jaye for that. Then there's the scratch of a needle on a record and Gretchen shouting into a mic filled with feedback: "Jaye Tyler! Jaye Tyler!" Mahandra tells Jaye that Gretchen is calling her out.
Jaye steps into the party area. The crowd parts. Gretchen says there's something she wants to say before she leaves: "And that's, thank you, Jaye Tyler. Thank you for being you." Mahandra asks if Gretchen is going to sing. As Gretchen goes on about Jaye, she struts along the crowd of people, even stealing someone's drink. And since this is the show's swan song, perhaps it's best to let Gretchen sum up our feelings for this show's main character, and why that made this show not work. "It's because of who you are. Because of all the little things that make up the fundamental core of your character. The petty jealousies. The lying. The general negative behavior. Because of all that, I learned a little something about myself tonight." Gretchen holds up a glass, but doesn't dump it on Jaye. Instead, she downs it: "I'm bigger than you. And I'll always be bigger." She drops the mic and tells the crowd that anyone holding a couples' card can rip it up: "I'm losing the hyphen and keeping the ring!" She struts out of the bar, hand held high. Bye, Gretchen. Hope to see you on another show. You're funny. The crowd cheers. "What a bitch," says Mahandra. Wait. No! That's not supposed to be the conclusion. She triumphed! Dammit. "Is it wrong that I like her now?" Jaye says that Gretchen just walked out of there a free woman. Mahandra says she feels sorry for Robert. Jaye says she hopes he's dead.
Cut to Robert at his big car accident. He's helped into a neck brace and tries to call Gretchen. He was hit by a truck that was a "Perveyor of Fine Meat Marmalades." A Jami Gertz-looking towing gal walks up and asks Robert if this is his vehicle. Robert asks if she has a cell phone. They make eye contact. They stare at each other, open-mouthed, wide-eyed, shocked. We see a rapid montage of the rest of their life together, which mostly consists of making many, many, many Jewish babies.
View-Master to Niagara. The hospital. Jaye runs out of the car and asks what's wrong. Darrin says he had a simple follow-up and needed a ride. Jaye can't believe he called her. Darren says she owes him breakfast. "You said it was urgent," says Jaye. Darren says it is; they stop serving in twenty minutes. As they head to the car, Darren apologizes (go figure) for insisting that Jaye attend her reunion, when she obviously wasn't emotionally ready to handle such a thing. Jaye forgives him. They get in the car, and Jaye says she had more fun running Darrin over than she did going the reunion, but that she's glad she went. Darrin says he's glad she ran him over, since they found a blood clot in his leg, which might have killed him if she hadn't shattered his leg. Once again, Jaye somehow saves the day. Jaye asks if he's okay. "I'm great," he says. "I'm going to breakfast with my daughter." I like William Sadler. I hope we see him on another show soon. As they drive away, Darrin asks Jaye if she knew their basic cable came with lesbian porn. Jaye gets into another accident off-screen, causing the woman playing a nurse to flinch. View-Master out. Forever.