Jaye's trying to sleep, but her objects -- the ones she can't stand but keeps with her everywhere -- are singing "99 Bottles of Beer On the Wall." And then lights flash outside the window and someone's going crazy on a Casio so it's really more like aliens are landing than like objects are singing Jaye awake. Jaye tells her objects (lion, monkey, chameleon) that this is exactly what cults do -- deprive their subjects of sleep until they do what you tell them to do out of exhaustion. She asks if they're working up to her drinking Kool-Aid. Then she realizes that if they "off" her, she won't be around to do their bidding. She asks if there's some kind of leader she can speak with. The monotonous droning of objects singing continues. Jaye says she's assuming there's a plan and a reason for all of this. "Anyone?" They're down to eighty-three bottles of beer on the wall. Jaye tells them just to keep on singing, then, if they're not going to answer her. Then she stops and Homers, "Ooh. Beer."
The Barrel. Last call. Eric turns off the lights as the patrons leave. Jaye walks up and says, "Oh, thank God." And it looks like she's inside while being outside, since behind her is a wall and a lamp, but Eric's supposedly shutting the bar door, saying, "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here." Eric asks if that's what "bartenders" say, since he's not really one at all. Then he says he's working on his timing. I guess that's a joke? Jaye asks Eric not to say it to her, because she'll have no other choice but to wander the streets until morning. Eric says they're closed. Jaye bats an eye, and Eric says he'll see what he can do. Jaye skips into the bar and promises to imbibe quickly if he needs to go home. Eric opens a beer and smiles. "Funny thing about that," he says.
So Eric lives on a cot in the back of the bar. Man, that's one trusting manager, to give this drunk at his bar the run of the place while's gone after three days of watching Eric drink himself silly. Eric says that this is technically only where he sleeps, and that he's not sure where he lives: "Although I'm pretty sure I don't live in New Jersey anymore." Jaye asks why he's still not living in some Honeymoon Suite somewhere. Eric says that once they figured out he wasn't going to sue, they stopped comping his room. Jaye says he should sue the hotel, since one of its staff ruined his marriage, and "arguably" his life. Eric says that if Heidi, his ex-wife, had stuck with a more traditional definition of the words "room service," they'd both be back in New Jersey now, starting their married life together. Eric sits to Jaye and says, "One bad day and everything changes." Jaye turns it back to a conversation about her: "One bad 'sode and not only does everything start changing, but everything starts talking to you." That's a mouthful of a line. And I guess now she's just admitting to Eric that objects talk to her instead of saying she was only kidding? The fun in Joan is that she's still trying to keep it a secret. So Eric says he doesn't get Jaye's joke, and she says she's not sure she gets it either. Kick that crazy girl out of your bed, Eric. She's prone to violent 'sodes. Jaye tells Eric that she likes his new place: "It has a certain hobo charm." Move over, Thom, there's something meaner. Eric says that it also has rats. He says an old expression about mice and...quiet ads? What? I think he just said, "That old expression about mice and 'quiet as' doesn't apply to rats." Why backwards do we keep talking? Was this script put through a German translator and then back to English? For when is making sense to speak way this? Jaye tells Eric to be grateful that the rats aren't keeping him up at night with incessant chatter. Then there's a sound, but so we know it's not a rat there's some scary Tales From the Darkside violins here. Eric stands to go investigate.
Plucky strings of building wacky tension play as Jaye and Eric quietly turn on the lights in the bar, looking for the source of the sound. The camera pans across the room, past a barrel. Wait! The camera sees something! The camera's trying to tell us something! It pans back quickly to the barrel again as we hear a sound. Jaye tells Eric that it's over there in the barrel. Jaye hands Eric an empty wine bottle for protection. Eric heads over, grabbing a chair in case there's a lion in the barrel. Jaye carries a coffee pot. The digeridoo of insanity starts up as Eric peers inside the top of the barrel. He leaps back, shocked. Jaye gasps. "Dun-dun-dun!" goes the overdramatic background music. "Dun-dun-dun!" Jaye whispers something here that I've listened to six times now and I can't figure out what it is. Sounds like, "What might?" Eric takes her hand and leads her to the barrel. Jaye and Eric peer over the top. Inside is a woman sitting cross-legged, reading a book. She's got a lamp in there, so somehow the barrel has electricity. She's got a pillow, some books, and I think can actually see the electrical socket just over her shoulder. The woman sees Jaye and Eric, freaks out, and in doing so overturns the barrel. Jaye and Eric fall to the floor, the woman falls out of the barrel, and the barrel rolls about two feet before crashing into the bar, making a dishes-smashing sound. The woman runs out the front door. Camera pushes in on Eric and Jaye as they watch, mouths agape. Jaye says the stupid line "Big, big rat." There's a sound of a closing door for no reason, and then the music pulls it to a dramatic blackout.
Opening credits. Can't anyone in this cast spell their names like normal people? Thank you, William Sadler. Jeez.
Establishing night shots of the Maid of the Mist. Niagara Falls. Dramatic shots of water rushing as music cascades all over us. There are more emotion in this shot of water flowing than we've had in three episodes.
The barrel. Eric and Jaye are going through the woman's things. Eric remembers seeing the woman in the bar a few days ago. She had a turkey club with a side of cheese. She didn't eat the cheese; she just looked at it and then skipped out on her tab. Jaye wonders how long she's lived in that barrel. She gasps: "Maybe it's her crack barrel. Do you think she's in there freebasing?" Eric says he doesn't see a pipe. Jaye calls the woman resourceful for a homeless person. She sniffs the woman's clothes and notes, "Clean, too." Jaye puts on the woman's coat. Eric wonders if the woman is a tourist. "Came to Niagara to see the falls and ended up taking the fall," Jaye says. No. Eric winds up and releases a toy penguin he's found from somewhere. He says again that all it takes is one bad day. He wonders if they should call the police. Jaye: "Nah, just toss her crap into the lost and found. Except the coat." Before Jaye can explain why she needs to keep this woman's pea coat, the penguin shouts, "Bring her back!" "Bring her back?" Jaye asks. "Bring her back?" Eric asks. "Bring her back!" says the penguin. "No!" says Jaye. She then asks Eric, "I mean, why?" Eric says he doesn't know, since it was Jaye's idea. Jaye says it wasn't her idea, and that it wasn't a suggestion. The editing is all face-face-face-face-face here as they slightly banter until Jaye makes a confused face and Eric gives up. Eric says that they could try to find her, since she still owes him for the turkey club and the owner's only letting him stay there because he works there. Yeah, you can read that sentence a few times, but one half of it has nothing to do with the other half. Eric: "I get it." Jaye sits, asks him what he gets. "Even though I only have a cot and large sacks of dried beans, it's a lot more than this woman does." How do they know that? ["Why are there large sacks of dried beans in the back of a bar?" -- Wing Chun] Jaye asks, "Did I say that?" Eric says that this woman might be in some kind of trouble, and now she's out there without her coat. "Okay," says Eric. "Now you made me feel guilty." Jaye stands up: "Right. Guilt." She takes off the coat. Maybe if these two were better actors, the scene would read better. But it's looking disjointed. Eric: "So you're saying we should try to track her down. Get her her stuff back." Jaye: "Right. No. Wait. What are we doing?" Eric says that a lot of people wouldn't have thought of that. They would have just made sure the door was locked behind her: "You're like, you're like a saint." What? Jaye considers this. "Well," she says. Close-up on the penguin as Eric asks, "So what do we do?" Jaye stammers. Eric says they know the woman's been to the train station. He holds up a ticket: "We can start there." Then I guess you also know her name, and where she came from and how long she's been in...fuck it. Man, this plucky music. Jaye smiles. "We could do that." Smiling. Smiling. Plucky music. Oboes.
View-Master to the train station. I can't tell you how much email I got from you guys letting me know that this is a Canadian train station and that you can tell by the flags in this scene. Duly noted, y'all. ["I would have told you that too, if I were still watching this crap. But if it's Niagara Falls, St. Catharines, or Burlington, where I believe this show is mostly filmed, I've been to all three." -- Wing Chun] You can also tell by the departure sign here that says all the trains are going to Montreal, Ottawa, and Windsor. Eric and Jaye walk through the station. Eric asks Jaye whether she helps people out a lot. Jaye says she wouldn't say she does it "a lot." Eric says he doesn't either, because Heidi didn't allow it. She said he shouldn't open his mouth to strangers. "Ironic," says Jaye. "You know. Considering." Heh. Eric watches a Sean Hayes lookalike put his arm around a girl. Jaye asks Eric if he misses his wife. Eric says he doesn't know. Jaye tells him that he has to miss his life a little. Eric says he's still trying to figure out where that is. Where what is? His life? Where he misses it? The actor playing Eric keys his sentences strangely. Now the sign for trains reads Boston, Hoboken, Jacksonville. At the front of the line, Jaye tells the man behind the desk that they're looking for someone. Eric says they think she might be in trouble. Jaye describes her as a blonde who is a little taller than she is: "Possibly in a fetal position." The man behind the counter is making the same face I make when I watch this show. Stone sober. Jaye says she might be running away from something. Hey, did Jaye and Eric change clothes on their way to the train station? Did they wait until the morning? I guess so. Can't be too worried about the barrel woman, then. Jaye suggests that the woman might also be looking over her shoulder as she runs away from something. Eric finally gives the man the ticket stub, saying that she arrived eight days ago, and that any information he can offer would be great. The man says that he does remember something: "Yeah, this ticket? It had another half to it." He pauses for effect. "A ticket half." Jaye makes a face. Eric seems confused. He's not too smart a boy. "Yeah," says the man behind the counter. "That's all I got." Jaye and Eric pout off.
A janitor mops the floor as Eric and Jaye mope about not being able to find a woman who has no proof of being at a train station. Jaye says they're the worst detectives ever, and that she doesn't know what she expected him to tell them. "Could have told you about the Man in Black," says the janitor. Scary music plays. Jaye and Eric turn around. "What?" asks Jaye. Creepy Janitor says, "Let's just say you two aren't the only ones who have been snooping around here looking for that little girl." "Little girl"? And also: huh? "You remember her?" Eric asks. Who? How does the Janitor know whom they're talking about? He's nowhere near the ticket counter. The Janitor says that she slept on that nearby bench three nights in a row. How does he know that? He didn't see the stub. He possibly heard "blonde girl who got here eight days ago" and knows it's the same woman who was sleeping on the bench? Don't people sleep on train-station benches all the time? The janitor says that once the Man in Black would show up, the girl would "scurry" out of there "like a rat come daylight." Who wrote this script, PeePaw Bryson and His Tarnation Jugband? In the background we hear the music that plays as Tom approaches Jerry, all oboes and violins, as Eric asks the Janitor what the man looked like. "Strange-lookin' sort. Dressed in all black. I remember thinkin' that if Johnny Cash had been born an Irish man, music would've been more lilt-y." Also, why is the camera way down by Jaye's pelvis? Violins and oboes try to make us think that's funny. Janitor: "Whoever he was, I hope you find her before he does." Then the music picks up and the janitor mops off. Eric and Jaye stare at each other, as every scene on this show ends, all open-mouthed and amazed.
View-Master establishing shots of Niagara Falls. Wonderfalls. Jaye's on the phone behind the counter, telling Eric she doesn't think there is a move. Jaye is currently wearing the winner of the Ugliest Sweater in America (Canada) Contest 2004. It's part pumpkin, part couch, and all fugly. And at some point the Wax Lion went from red to orange. Maybe it caught Jaye's sweater's disease. Jaye gives a side glance toward the Wax Lion as she asks what more could they possibly do. Eric says they might need to find the Man in Black instead. Jaye says, "I think it would be like looking for an Irish Johnny Cash in a...." Jaye trails off, because standing before her is the Irish Johnny Cash. We know so because they play "I Walk the Line" in the background, surprisingly not on bagpipes. (Yes, I know those are Scottish.) "Haystack," Jaye finishes. She hangs up. Irish Johnny Cash says he saw several public notices in the shop window and was wondering if Jaye would add another one. He hands her a flyer. "MISSING," it reads across the top. There's a picture of their missing woman. Wow, sometimes it's just so easy! "Woman," it says. "Late 20's, Early 30's. Blond Hair, Blue-Green Eyes, 5'5" Tall, 105 Pounds. Missing Since Last Saturday at 9am." Wait, so he doesn't know her name, either? Then why does he have a picture of her? He doesn't know her age, and pretty much gave all physical description...why do I care? Why do I try to make logic happen where there is none? Irish Johnny Cash. Moving on. Jaye sneers at IJC when he says, "I'd be so grateful." He smiles at her, and the music gets creepier. He walks away. Jaye lifts the flyer in front of the camera, so that I can't see what's happening.
"And then he smiled," Jaye tells Eric. I guess she just left work to bring him the flyer. "Ew!" says Eric. "Right!" says Jaye. I guess they've made some conclusions about IJC and the Woman, even though we know NOTHING. Hey, maybe you could ask Mysterious Janitor some more questions, since he's apparently omnipotent. Eric: "Katrina. That's her name." Really, Eric? Because I didn't see that on the flyer. Jaye then makes this brilliant conclusion: "No last name. She's a prostitute." You get a degree with those deductive-reasoning skills of yours, Jaye? In philosophy? Good thing you've got an open mind for seeing all sides of the equation. "And he's her pimp. Her goth pimp. She tried to leave the lifestyle and he won't let her." Eric gets on the phone. Jaye asks what he's doing. He's using the phone. ["It just looks to you like that's what he's doing because you didn't go to BROWN." -- Wing Chun] Eric says he's calling Johnny. He finds out that the number is for a hotel, room 231. "231 is a room number!" Eric says, kind of like he's the dumbest man on Earth. "At least he's not living in a barrel," says Jaye. Are these jokes? Eric calls the hotel again. "Yeah, cat stepped on the phone," he tells the operator. He asks if anyone is staying in the room to 231. They can't tell him that. Also, if this were a real hotel, when he asked for 231, they would have asked the name of the party. Wonder Killer Complete! Jaye looks impressed that Eric fired all those synapses in a row.
"Hillcrest Motel," reads the incredibly PhotoShopped sign. Eric and Jaye enter room 233 with as much sneaking as possible. Seriously. Jaye looks like the sign for the Neighborhood Watch, that shadow man with the hat pulled down low that's supposed to represent "Burglar." Because they think we're stupid, the camera moves down the hall so we can see they're to room 231.
Jaye immediately presses her head to the wood paneling, trying to listen to room 231. So does Eric. "I don't hear anything," Jaye whispers. "What if we're too late? What if he's already beat [sic] her to death with a bag of oranges for withholding trick money?" Eric says that if the woman had trick money, she wouldn't live in a barrel. Jaye: "Yes, but maybe she's just a lazy whore. That happens, right? They can't all have hearts of gold and good work ethics." This moment brought to you by White Privilege. White Privilege: When it's time to make a completely uninformed opinion in order to try to make a joke, use the word "whore." Instant comedy. Jaye and Eric continue whispering, for no reason, as Jaye says that this motel is totally pay by the hour. Eric continues to call it a hotel, and says it's a transient place for people who aren't sure whether they're coming or going. Isn't this supposed to be a tourist town? Wouldn't there be tens of hotels lining the streets? ["Oh, there are." -- Wing Chun] Aren't all hotels, by their very nature, transient? I am now going to turn off the logic portion of my brain because I'm still in the first fifteen minutes of this episode and I'll never stop recapping if I don't just let the inanity flow over me like a stoner. Dude, maybe if I smoked pot this show would be hilarious. That's kind of what the pacing is like. The weird music, the awkward silences, the stupid clothes, the talking objects. This show is high! That's what it is. This show is totally high, and when you watch it sober it feels like when you watch high people. You end up smiling, all frozen with that grin while you watch them laugh, hoping you'll figure out what's so damn funny, wanting to have the good time they seem to be having, but you don't have the benefit of your brain's being numbed by chemicals, so you don't get it because there's nothing to get. I've figured you out, Wonderfalls, you pothead. I got it. I'm gonna go get a bag of Doritos and totally drop out with you. You wasted bastard. You are tripping balls and I am the square who's driving everyone home. Who hotboxed my bathroom? Wonderfalls, you spilled bong water on my carpet, you asshole. No, you can't get the cat high. No, it's not funny. No, you can't eat my Ramen. Because it's all I have and I have to eat tomorrow. Why is that so funny? Don't point at me. Get off my pillow. Stop laughing in my ear! No, I don't sound like a horse. What the fuck are you talking about? Fucking pothead losers.
Hey, was I recapping? Sorry. So this motel has a hot plate and a pot. (Shut up, don't start laughing again. It's a pot-pot, not pot. Shh. Oh, forget it.) Eric calls it the trappings of non-permanence. Eric hands Jaye a glass, and she sighs with orgasmic glee. They listen to the wall through their glasses. "Are you getting anything on yours?" Jaye asks with much breath and a bit of an accent. "No, nothing yet," Eric says. Y'all, listening is easier when you aren't talking. They slide to the ground to listen. Eric's eyebrows look fake, like they're glued on in a permanent shocked position. Jaye tries on my Wonder Killer hat for a second to see how it fits: "You do realize, don't you, that non-permanence doesn't have any trappings? That's what makes it non-permanent. I mean to say that something transitory and totally fleeting, can't really trap you. Right?" Eric leans in toward her. "Something just passing through town, for instance." Jaye leans to Eric. "Something transitional." Eric leans in. "Uh-huh. Or someone." Just as they're about to kiss, they hear a woman on the other side of the room shout, "Stop! Stop! I can't do this!" Jaye and Eric gasp, stand up and run out of the room.
"Let me go! I won't go back! I can't!" we hear the woman cry as Eric busts open the door to 231. "Leave me alone!" Katrina wails. Katrina is sitting on the bed (wearing the coat I thought Jaye stole), while the IJC is talking to her. Because everybody in this show is violent, Eric takes the IJC by the shoulder and pushes him to the wall. He chokes the man and says, "She said leave her alone!" Extreme close-up as Eric yokels, "Now how's about you listen?" Seriously, what is with the writing on this episode? Katrina shouts that the man Eric is choking happens to be a priest. "A priest?" Eric asks, still not letting go. "Father Scoffield," Katrina whispers. Eric lets go. ["Just like that? Because priests never do anything bad? That's not what I read in the papers." -- Wing Chun] The priest shakes his head. Eric, hands still in the air, gives a frantic look over his shoulder to Jaye. The camera pans over to Jaye as a bell begins to chime. Jaye: "You're going to hell." We hold on that for a while as the bells chime until the View-Master takes us to commercial.
Eric asks the Priest if he's a father, as in "Father, forgive me." The priest -- who appears to not be Irish at all (he is the same guy, right?) -- says he's not in a very forgiving mood right now. "Jackass," he adds. Eric apologizes, saying he thought he was "not a priest." Not good this episode is. Jaye overacts that she's not sure she's ready to apologize. "What was all that 'Leave me alone' screaming about?" The last time I watched this episode I was drunk, so I thought I was hearing the words wrong, but they really are just all in the wrong order. "And you said 'jackass,'" Jaye tattles. Katrina shoves cash in Jaye's hand and says it was just a turkey club: "You don't have to hunt a person down." Father Scoffield asks Katrina whether she stole food. "I'm not proud," Katrina whines, sitting back on the bed. Eric says this isn't about the club; they're trying to help her. "Yeah, Missionary Man," Jaye snits. "And where do you get off brow-beating a hooker? Jesus was nice to prostitutes." Father Scoffield patiently says, "Sister Katrina is not a prostitute." "Now I'm going to hell," says Jaye. Pull back to reveal the worst outfit Jaye's tried to pull off. She looks like when a boy stole your Barbie and put some G.I. Joe clothes on it and then was just mean to it, coloring in her stomach with green marker and ripping the clothes so threads hung off it. "You're a nun?" Eric asks Katrina. "Not anymore," she answers. "I'm not going back there. I can't. I can't!" "Back where?" asks stupid Jaye. "The convent," Sister Katrina answers. "Why not?" Jaye asks. She turns on the priest. "Did you Agnes of God her?" She hits Eric and says she bets he did: "I bet he Agnes of God-ded all over her!" The priest asks Jaye to shut up. Katrina says he didn't Agnes of God her. Father Scoffield says he was very worried about Katrina, since she up and left after twelve years, without an explanation. Katrina stands up and shouts that it doesn't matter what happened, but that she's not going back. Father Scoffield says she can't stay there. "Why the hell not?" Eric shouts, moving forward. "You can't force her to go. She's standing there telling you she's not coming back! Now, to me that means she's not coming back." Then it's all a bunch of weird shots of people's faces as Eric says that the priest should step aside and let the woman move on with her life. "Amen," says Jaye.
Barrel. Katrina stares at a plate of chili cheese fries. Jaye asks if she's praying: "Did they give you food shame at the convent?" Katrina says that the food was glorious. Eric says she might need a plan now: "Can you type?" Katrina says she can't. Jaye asks if the sisters in Katrina's convent were mean: "I always picture nuns being mean." Eric says he does too: "I wonder why." Jaye is about to offer up her reasoning, but stops and says that Katrina seems really nice: "Did the mean nuns pick on you?" Katrina says that nobody picked on her. It was a sisterhood. She says she loved the convent. They grew alfalfa in the fields.
"Bring her back to him!" shouts the Wind-Up Penguin suddenly. Hey, maybe if these objects had some kind of reason for being, or said more than just one catchphrase over and over again, then we'd care. Not to speak for you or anything. I just assume that when the objects suddenly speak up, you're just as annoyed by it as I am. It's a device that isn't working, and doesn't seem to be the catalyst for any episode other than the pilot. Jaye asks Katrina why she left. "It was...the cheese," says Katrina. Hold on, people, your patience is about to be tested. Shot of the plate of cheese fries as Katrina piles on even more Velveeta: "The cheese was my undoing. This is the miracle of life melted over these chili fries. A bacterial flirtation with enzymes. The commingling of friendly microorganisms giving birth to curds and whey. And from dust He created the universe." Jaye squints. "The dairy board must love you," she says. Katrina's not done. "The microorganisms in this cheese tell me God exists. This sack of me that holds a soul tells me God exists. God Himself, however...." Katrina chokes back some tears. "Hasn't told me anything. Not really. Not definitively. And certainly not out loud." Jaye says the out-loud part is upsetting. Katrina says that doubt is worse. It's a sin to live in His house when doubt is in your heart. She knew when doubt set in for her: she was in the kitchen nibbling on some cheese and she thought, "What if it's just...cheese? What if I'm just cheese? What if this sack of meat is just a bacterial flirtation and my soul is only a commingling of friendly microorganisms?" Jaye says that God is her "thing," and that she took an oath. Katrina says she can't commit her life to something she's not sure is real. "Bring her back to him!" interrupts the CGI penguin. Someone kill the music. And call Joan Girardi. She's much better at dealing with people losing their faith. Katrina says she needs proof of God -- that he has to reveal himself to her, or otherwise she's just praising the word of some "phantom bully in the sky." Then that fucking penguin: "Bring her back to him!" Jaye's all, "Oh, Him! With a big 'H.'" Eric asks whom she thought they were talking about. Luckily, the scene just ends here with Jaye staring, open-mouthed, for a change.
Motel. 231. Father Scoffield answers the door. Jaye says that Katrina has to go back, and that she has a feeling he agrees with her. Father asks, "Jeez, I don't know. Uh, is your little friend going to beat me up?" Jaye says that he did get excited, but that he doesn't have to know. She sees the priest packing. "You're not leaving without her?" she kind of asks. Father Scoffield says he's not a parole officer, and that he can't drag her back to the convent. Jaye says that Katrina does want to go back: "She's just had too much cheese." She says they have to squash her doubt. She asks whether it would help if they got her re-baptized. "It's holy water, not magic water," says the priest. There's a sound of a big truck backing up as Jaye asks what the difference is. Father Scoffield says that one is faith and the other is fantasy. He says he can't find Sister Katrina's faith for her. Jaye wrestles with the priest's luggage, saying she'll find it for her: "Just give me twenty-four hours, and I'll have her singing 'Sweet Jesus' all the doo-dah-day long. And you can bring her back to Him. All three Hims. Jesus, God and...the other one."
Aaron takes Tupperware out of the fridge and says that God has to talk to people, or nobody would know His will. Jaye says that's a good point. Katrina nods in agreement. Jaye tells Katrina to listen closely. "He has a theology degree," she brags. "Several, actually." She asks how many he needs. "One more. Leave me alone," Aaron answers. He says that God doesn't have to be talk talking. I remember that band. Talk Talk. Aaron says that people need to take license with that detail. Aaron holds up the cat salt shaker and says it's not always going to be, "Hello, Jaye!" Jaye smacks his arm and tells him to stop. Aaron says that some people believe that early man's gut instinct was just God telling man to "fight, flee, or f-f-f-...fun have." He notes that several well-known serial killers believe that God gave them very specific instructions. Katrina says that this isn't helping anymore. Jaye smacks her brother again. Darrin and Karen enter the kitchen and say it's a nice surprise to see Jaye. Karen tells Aaron that Tupperware is not an eating vessel. Whatever, lady. Katrina accidentally introduces herself with the "Sister," and then stammers a few times that she's an ex-nun, and that she's just "Katrina" now. Aaron says to Jaye, "You never said she was a nun." Katrina: "Ex." Karen asks Jaye to one side of the room with her so that people can't hear them talking. "Is this about your 'sode?" she asks Jaye. "Are you seeking counsel in the church?" Jaye says she isn't. And then lies: "Yes. Yes, it's about my 'sode and my stress issue? But thanks to God, I'm better every day and you don't have to worry." Karen says that's wonderful. "You are aware nuns are Catholic?" she adds.
View-Master to the trailer park. One of the highlights, according to the sign for the park, is that it has "shrubs." View-Master to Jaye's trailer, where Katrina sits with a mug of coffee, staring at Jaye's objects. "I like your monkey," she says. Jaye admits that she stole it from her therapist's office. She presents a plate of cheese. Sound of trains for a little while as they stare at each other. "This is insulting to both of us," says Katrina. Why is the camera down by Jaye's navel again? Jaye says that this is a pre-made snack platter. Katrina pouts, and Jaye takes the plate away. She says she had a whole thing she was going to say: "I got it out of a fondue cookbook. Still want to hear it?" Katrina says she knows why God doesn't speak to her. He doesn't speak to anyone: "He can't." Jaye says He can, but that He doesn't want to. Katrina: "No. He just doesn't exist." Jaye asks whether Katrina believes in anything anymore, or if it's just "G dash D." Katrina says "G dash D" is supposed to be her everything, and since she doesn't believe in that anymore, there's nothing to believe in. Jaye sits down and asks for a code of silence. She says she believes in something -- sort of -- that does talk to her, and may be God, even though it's never said so specifically. Katrina asks what it is. Jaye confesses that her objects talk to her, and tell her to do things. Katrina says it doesn't sound like God: "That sounds like the devil." Jaye says that's good, because if Katrina believes in the devil, then she believes in God. Katrina asks which one it is. Jaye says they won't say. Katrina says there's only one way to be sure. "Cast it out," she whispers. Jaye stares, and then asks, "Can we do that?" She stares, open-mouthed, as we brown-out to commercial.
Niagara Falls. The Barrel. Eric. He fake-wipes a counter. Pull back. Katrina and Jaye sit with Father Scoffield at a restaurant table as a song plays about not wanting these devils. Katrina, all smiles, tells the priest that this is God's work. Jaye smiles. Shout-out to Kate Bush as Father Scoffield points and Jaye and says, "No it is this woman's work." Katrina says that God brought them there to perform His work for Jaye. Father Scoffield tells Jaye that although Katrina has been living in a nunnery for twelve years, he hasn't. Jaye says that Katrina's faith is back, better than ever, and that he should be thanking her. The priest asks what she's hoping to get from this. Jaye says there's one little thing.
Close-up on Eric, who can somehow hear all of this.
"An exorcism?" the priest shouts loudly. The restaurant stares. Jaye looks around, terrified.
Eric lowers his head, disappointed in something.
Jaye whispers that she has to drink in this place. Father Scoffield asks Jaye if she's out of her mind. Jaye says she's willing to try anything. She says that Katrina is also willing to try anything to help, which also helps Sister Katrina in turn: "It's a big circle of help." Katrina calls Jaye "afflicted": "Demons live inside of her." She says that Jaye needs their help to purge the demons. Jaye looks down: "Sadly, it's all true." Father Scoffield says he doesn't do exorcisms: "They're violent and dangerous and stupid." Jaye says they shouldn't discourage Katrina when she's eager to do God's work. Jaye says she hasn't had a good night's sleep in weeks. Katrina tells the priest that if he does this for her she will willingly and joyously go back to the convent. Katrina says that God works in mysterious ways, so maybe he didn't talk to her so that she would leave and meet Jaye and the priest would come out to find her so that the two of them could help Jaye so that you could read this recap and I could have to watch a show on a Friday night like a nine-year-old girl instead of sinning with my boyfriend. Good work, God. Father Scoffield asks Jaye if she'll give them a minute alone. Jaye leaves. "There's something you should know about that girl," Father Scoffield tells Katrina. And I do believe that's the first non-Jaye moment in this show's history.
Jaye watches from the bar. Eric brings her a drink and says he thought the priest was leaving town. Jaye says she asked him not to. Eric asks why she'd ambush Katrina with the one person she doesn't want to see. Eric's all mad. Hey, Eric, that priest didn't give a bellboy a blowjob; that was your wife. Quit displacing your anger. Eric says he thought Jaye was on his side. Jaye says she was doing a good thing: "Remember how much you like me when I do good things?" Jaye says that Katrina likes the nunnery, and told her she was really happy there. Eric says that was is in past tense. He says that people change, and that when other people try to force other people not to change, than the changing, which wasn't easy to begin with, just gets harder. Then this is weird. Katrina walks up and says, "You made a bet? You lied to me." She says that Jaye is the devil. She leaves. Eric nods at Jaye. Jaye stares, open-mouthed.
Outside The Barrel, Jaye puts on enough coats, hats, and scarves to look like a Fly Girl. She gives Katrina a little tip: "Calling a girl the devil in front of the boy she likes? Not the best way to keep a friend." Katrina says Jaye's not a friend, she's a liar: "And so's the devil." She says she's not friends with liars or devils. Jaye says she's not a liar: "Not in this instance, anyway." Katrina says that Jaye made a bet that she could restore her faith in twenty-four hours, and then pretended to be her friend. "Are you Pentecostal? Are you trying to scare God into my dirty, sinful, Hell-bound, unsaved heart?" Jaye says she wasn't pretending to be Katrina's friend: "I was forced to be your friend. Those are two very different things." Katrina echoes my sentiments exactly: "You're horrible." Katrina says she knows that nothing talks to Jaye, just like nothing talks to Katrina. Jaye makes an asshole face, smarming that she didn't make anything up. The Wax Lion says here, "Break the taillight." Jaye shouts, "Ha!" and points at the lion. "You see? It's talking to me right now." Katrina: "For God's sake!" Jaye says that maybe it is for God's sake. "Break the taillight," says the Wax Lion again. Can he travel through space and time? Jaye says that the lion is telling her to break a taillight, which is vandalism, which is the devil's work, which is why "one little exorcism" isn't too much to ask. Katrina laughs and asks if this is fun for Jaye, "torturing a wayward nun." Jaye says that this is a laugh riot. As Jaye follows Katrina, going on about how this exactly where she'd like to be right now, the Wax Lion apparently puts Jaye's car into gear. It rolls forward and smashes into another car, breaking the taillight. Hey, seriously? That Wax Lion needs to take defensive driving. But the lion is in Jaye's hand. I rewind TiVo to see that when Jaye shuts the door, it makes us go to a close-up on a tire which jostles just a bit, and apparently that's enough for the entire car to roll forward on...pass me the joint, would you? Haaaah. Jaye just called the lion a bastard. Sweet! Dude, this pot is awesome. This show rules now. Jaye then gets into the car and drives away, backing into another car, committing two hit-and-runs in less than thirty seconds. Hilarity! Katrina watches Jaye drive away. Aaron pulls up right then as the music stops. "Hey," he says. "Have you seen my sister?" Heeeee! HaHAHAHAHA. "Have you seen my sister?" That's so FUNNY! God, this show. It's AWESOME! Heh. What? Huh? Where are my pants? Katrina tells Aaron that she needs him to tell her everything he knows about demonic possession. Hey, is that funny? Oh, shit. I'm losing my high, y'all.
Fake recap pot buzz always kills early. Eric enters the Barrel bathroom and looks into one of the stalls. He sees the priest's pants around his ankles, and starts yelling. "Trying to force a nun back to the convent when she doesn't want to go back to the convent is very un-priestly. Even though it might sound...priestly." Jason Priestley? HaAHHHH! I'M STILL HIGH. The priest says he's not in the business of forcing anyone to do anything. He is also...doing his business. Father Scoffield says that right now Eric is forcing him to have this conversation. Eric says Father Scoffield is forcing Eric to force him. He asks, "What's wrong with a person needing a little time to figure out their [sic] life?" Father Scoffield asks Eric to hand him some toilet paper. Eric sits on the toilet and hands Father a square.
Jaye enters her house holding a pillow. Karen, Darrin, and Sharon are at the kitchen table. Darrin asks whether Aaron found her. Jaye says he'll find her when he gets home: "I'm sleeping here tonight. Or trying to, anyway." As she asks whether they redecorated her room with a zoo-themed wall, Jaye sees that her family is slowly approaching her. She asks why they're all dressed up. "We're going to church," says Sharon. Jaye asks whether it's Christmas. She goes on, saying that if it is, they're all going to be disappointed in their gifts. Darrin says it doesn't have to be Christmas for them to go to church. Jaye asks if it's Easter. Karin says it's Wednesday, and that Presbyterians have Bible study on Wednesday. Darrin puts his arm around Jaye and says they're tickled to death that Jaye turned to the Lord for guidance, but that they don't really want her talking to a Catholic Lord.
Restaurant or bar or Barrel. Doesn't matter. Aaron and Katrina are sitting at a table drinking. Aaron says that these priests can do anything: "You get pregnant out of wedlock? You must be possessed. Bam! They tie you down. Tie you down and cast the demon out of you." Hey, what happened to the show? Am I now watching a show about competing religions? What? I didn't sign on for this. I wish I were high. Katrina takes notes, asking Aaron how one would cast demons out.
Back in the bathroom of heavy-handed symbolism and plot points not truly fleshed out, the scene just gets worse from here. Eric says that Katrina didn't want to end up sleeping in a barrel, she just had her dreams taken away. Eric says he only sleeps on a cot at the bar because his wife cheated on him and took all his dreams away. He says that what Heidi was is no more, so it doesn't matter. Instead of just letting it happen, they have to tells us what they're doing so we know how clever they think they are. With italics. The priest goes, "Are you...confessing something?" Eric says he didn't kill Heidi: "I just left her. Lost faith in her. I lost faith in that whole other life. And I don't know if I want it back."
Kitchen table. Karen tells Jaye, "Catholics aren't bad people. They just do things differently. Their prayers have to go through saints, apostles, and statues." Darrin brags that Presbyterian prayers go straight to the source. "Right to J.C."
Katrina takes more notes as Aaron says that the Protestant rituals were even worse: "Cut them. Burn them. Bleed them. Until the body of the possessed was no longer a restful place for the demon to dwell." Katrina asks Aaron to go back to the bleeding.
Father Scoffield tells Eric that people transgress, especially in love. "Hell, I transgressed indiscriminately until I was called by God." This priest sure does curse a lot. ["Priests do. The ones I know also really like to drink." -- Wing Chun] "But God forgave me those transgressions." Eric asks if he's telling him to forgive his life. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespassed against us," he quotes.
Karen has one hand on the Bible and the other on her daughter as Jaye shouts that she didn't do anything wrong. "I shouldn't have to go to church," she pouts. Darrin says that argument has never worked for her: "It never worked for any of us." He tells her to put her pillow in her room so that they can go worship. Jaye stomps to her room.
Aaron is standing over a candle as they chant the Lord's Prayer over and over and over. Someone get me out of this show. Please. I'm dying here. "Until the demon knew the righteous were having none of them. And then he'd...." Shot of Katrina. Shot of Aaron. "You know, I guess...." Shot of Katrina. Shot of Aaron. "Leave." Close-up on Katrina.
Eric asks the priest if he should go back to Heidi. Father Scoffield says you can forgive someone and still choose not to be with them. "It was a yes or no question," says Eric. The priest says he doesn't have that kind of answer.
At the kitchen counter, Jaye's family adjusts their coats as Karen notes that Jaye is taking her time. Sharon then narrates the following sound effects: the front door opening and closing, and Jaye driving away. Darrin asks whether Jaye's planning on meeting them there.
Jaye's trailer. Katrina is sitting in her bed. Groovy jazz plays in the background again. "Oh, good God!" Jaye screams. Katrina stands and apologizes for calling Jaye a liar. She says that Jaye is a child of God. Jaye says it's good that she believes in God now. "I brought you back to Him. Big 'H'?" Katrina says Jaye certainly did. Jaye buffs her fingernails and says, "Well, smell me." We go way back to television in the '70s, when plot devices like the following happened: Katrina pours chloroform into a washcloth and covers Jaye's mouth until Jaye passes out. Actually, the lights go to a brown-out and Jaye stops struggling. Things spin. Blackout.
Jaye wakes up tied to her bed. Y'all, the rest of this episode is a crapfest, so I'm going to try to be brief because we've all seen it once and there's no reason to dwell in the poo. Jaye sees candles. She's tied to the bed. Katrina tells Jaye not to worry. She says they'll cut the devil out if they have to. View-Master to commercial.
No time! Must get to the end of this episode! Katrina dumps holy water on Jaye's face. Jaye spits it out and tells Katrina to untie her now. Katrina says she can't, because Jaye will be flailing soon. Now, didn't Jaye ask for this very damn thing? Seriously, she asked repeatedly for "one little exorcism," and now she wants out? I don't get it. Katrina goes on with the exorcism as Jaye gets increasingly angry that she's tied up and getting doused with water, and her fury only makes Katrina think it's working. Jaye screams for help.
Sirens. Police cars. The cops have pulled over Father Scoffield. They ask for his license and registration, since his taillight is busted. The priest says it's a rental. The cop tells the priest to keep both hands on the wheel and heads back to his car.
Katrina anoints Jaye. Katrina says her mom told her they were crazy. Katrina screams that she's here for Jaye.
Father Scoffield is arrested. "It's a broken taillight," he says as he's cuffed and Miranda'd.
Katrina spouts Latin.
Father Scoffield protests, "It's a rental!," as he's led into the police car.
Katrina holds a knife to her chest and asks Jaye if she believes in the holy spirit, the Catholic church, the communion of saints, et cetera. Jaye shouts, "No!" and then, "Yes! Can you repeat the second part?" Katrina prays for God to tell her what to do and give her strength to stab Jaye in the heart. Do it, Katrina. Cast that demon out! Cut her to pieces! It's God's will! It's Tubey's Will! It's TWoP's will! Jaye tells Katrina to untie her and put down the knife. Katrina reminds Jaye that she asked for this and wanted it. Jaye says she didn't, and then says she did, but that she didn't think it'd be like this. She says that the animals aren't demonic. She pleads to be let go. "Look at what you're doing!" she says. The music ends, and suddenly that's enough. Katrina puts down the knife and sits down. Huh. Well, thanks for putting us through all of that. Katrina says she's just trying to get God's attention. The cops knock on Jaye's trailer. Jaye tries to scream for help, but Katrina covers Jaye's mouth with her hand. The cops say they have a witness who saw Jaye's car leaving the scene of an accident. They say they know she's home. Jaye bites Katrina's hand and screams for help. The cops bust into the trailer with guns drawn and tell Katrina to drop her weapon. If you ask me, everybody should be in jail without the key. Katrina says this isn't what it looks like.
Precinct. Katrina tells a cop that she'd never hurt anyone. The cop's not buying it. Katrina says she thought that God was guiding her, but that she was wrong. "You on any meds?" the cop asks. Ask her if she's lactose-intolerant.
Jaye waits on a bench. Father Scoffield shows up. Jaye's all, "Oh, my God! They called you? I thought for sure you left town already." Jaye says she's not pressing charges. Oh, how nice of her: "She was just confused." And she did tell her to do it. She tells Father Scoffield that he was right about exorcisms. Father Scoffield says, "I had a child I didn't know about." They just let Katrina go, and she walks into the lobby here as Jaye -- and pretty much anyone watching this episode -- asks, "Come again?" Katrina says they're letting her go. She apologizes to Father Scoffield for not listening to him. "It's a girl," says Father Scoffield. "He has a kid he didn't know about," says Jaye. "How?" asks Katrina. "In the usual way," Father Scoffield answers. "I wasn't always a priest." He says he had no idea, because the woman he was with was on The Pill. "She must have been looking for me all this time." He says they pulled him over for a broken taillight and ran his name: "I'm a deadbeat dad." Katrina tells Jaye, "Broken taillight?"
Then suddenly there's the woman, named Marta. She apologizes for filing the complaint, but says she couldn't find him: "I guess I was looking in the wrong place." Then there's the daughter, who's, like, seven. "Joe, this is Sadie," says Marta. Crazy cheesy violins kick in and we're watching a different show entirely. And then, ensuring that Sadie will have a fucked-up adolescence that will cause her to sleep with hundreds of guys and maybe become a successful standup comic, Father Scoffield crouches down (in slow motion!) and says, "Hi, Sadie. I'm Father...I'm your father." Sadie looks up at her mom, who nods that this is true, and everyone's happy except for anybody in the real world who knows this shit needs a counselor pronto. Sadie smiles, as if this is only the third guy who has said this to her. Jaye whispers, "Bring her back to him. Wow!" Now, the penguin only added those last three words later in the episode. Whatever. Katrina cries and calls this a miracle. Or perhaps, a by-product of casual sex. Ah, the wonders of failed contraceptives told through the eyes of a half-realized television show. God truly works in mysterious ways.
Jaye walks Katrina through the train station, asking if she needs a cheesy dog before hitting the road. Katrina hugs Jaye hard. Jaye asks if she's trying to squeeze the demons out of her. Katrina says she shouldn't joke: "A miracle happened because of you!" Do we need this scene? I vote no. Jaye says it was a happy coincidence. Katrina says she knows what happened. Man, that Eric is stilted. He hands Katrina a ticket and says, "Here! This'll get you back to the convent. One-way ticket! Are you sure?" Katrina nods, "I'm sure." She hugs Jaye again. Eric and Father Scoffield (where's your kid, dude?) watch. Katrina tells the priest -- who's now not a priest anymore because, you know, he's got a kid to see every other weekend -- that she'll miss him. He thanks her for making him chase her to Niagara Falls. Katrina says it was her pleasure. She leaves for her train. Eric and Jaye stand alone. Eric says it turns out she was right. Jaye says she almost never hears that sentence. Eric apologizes for getting "so weird." He says he might have been projecting some of his issues onto her. "Ya think?" asks Jaye. Eric says he has every right to be there, but that he still feels a little guilty about not going back. Jaye asks what it feels like now. They listen to a train announcement. "It feels like there's a train every hour," says Eric. So he can go at any time? They smile and walk away together, deciding to get a cheesy dog. The camera pulls up to the top of the station, and that's it.