Welcome to Wonderfalls. No, literally, "Greetings from Wonderfalls," reads the postcard that greets us at the top of the show that could possibly put the "irk" back in "quirky." Pull back to reveal Niagara Falls. Pull back to reveal tourist filming Niagara Falls through his videocamera. "Niagara Falls," we hear a girl say in voice-over. "One of the seven natural wonders of the world." Camera swoops to crying kid. Swooping camera to: natural wonders. Waving tourists. Newlyweds making out.
The girl tells us the story of the "Maid of the Mist," the legend in this part of Niagara Falls, as some kid heckles her speech. As she talks, we are treated to a CGI spectacular. The god of the waterfall was angry, and the Indians were afraid of him because the water kept killing people, so they decided to give the waterfall presents. Intercut this monologue with View-Master shots of Indians, canoes of fruit, and then a canoe filled with thirty or so animals, including a moose and an opossum. Still following? This scene is a recapper's nightmare, by the way. Anyway, View-Master to a shot of the Indian chief's pretty daughter, who became the ultimate sacrifice. Someone in MamaLane's Antique Shop turns on a lamp, and the shade comes to life, continuing the story, illustrating the Indians sending the chief's daughter up the river to the falls. The kid interrupts here with a line that was clearly added to ease the network: "Native Americans never practiced human sacrifice." The views reflected by Wonderfalls do not necessarily reflect those of FOX Broadcasting. Unless they're talking about boobies, in which case Fox says: "Right on, dude." So the chief has second thoughts about drowning his daughter (who looks about the same age as he is), and paddles after her, but she's too busy being noble and proud. "I surrender to destiny," she says, which apparently is now the slogan popular around there for t-shirts and stuff. Pull back to reveal videotapes with "I Surrender to Destiny" written in Indiana Jones sans serif. We see a television with a canoe re-enactment. "Anyway, so then Princess takes the plunge, but it's all good because the god thought the daughter was hot, so he spared her life." Shot of water god eating girl in canoe, smiling, and then retreating into the waterfall. "He promised if she stayed with him in the cave he'd forgive her people, and protect and enchant their land until the end of time." Pull back to reveal another Niagara Falls postcard.
Smash cut to tourists. Shot of statue of girl standing upright in a canoe as it goes over the falls. As the camera zooms through the crowd and into a gift shop, our narrator wraps up: "So she agreed to live with the god in the waterfall and became Maid of the Mist." The camera finds our narrator. She works in the gift shop. Her nametag reads "Jaye." She concludes: "And thanks to the Princess, Niagara has remained an enchanted wonderland, despite hundreds of years of commercial development." Pull back to reveal the kid, who is holding a videotape. He asks what happened to the chief. "He died," Jaye says, not unhappily. The kid asks why the princess got to live. "Because she was hot," Jaye says through strained teeth. She asks the kid if he's going to buy the tape. The kid says no. Jaye tells the kid to get out, and wanders over to a stack of folded jeans. She fluffs them, eyes the loitering kid until he leaves, and then turns around. She stands in a pout to an open-mouthed guy sporting a nametag that reads "Alec." As they stare at a television screen they talk about how there's work to do, but since they're both currently "with a customer," the votive candles will have to wait to be restocked.
A UPS guy enters the store with a dolly full of boxes. He wanders over to Jaye with a flirty smile. Jaye never really takes her eyes off the television screen as she signs for the packages, despite the fact that the tall blond man is flirting with her. He leaves and is replaced by a blonde girl in a miniskirt, who squeals, "Jaye! Oh, my God!" Her name is Gretchen and she hasn't seen Jaye "since graduation." When Jaye asks Gretchen what she's doing there, Gretchen puts on a bit of a solemn face to say "Funeral," and then immediately gushes: "Oh, my God! So much has changed since high school!" She flashes her ring. Gretchen has converted to Judaism in order to marry a rich husband. Gretchen: "Converted for love." Jaye: "So you don't really believe in it." Gretchen: "Ha! Stop." I hope this girl gets to be around more. So, through Gretchen, we learn that Jaye actually has a philosophy degree and has chosen to work in this gift shop in the town where she grew up. Gretchen asks Jaye if she's happy. Jaye avoids answering that question. Gretchen asks Jaye if she's at least the manager.
Smash cut to the answer to that question: Jaye and Alec are sitting at the main manager's desk, waiting to hear who got the promotion. Peggy, the manager, says that this was one of the most difficult decisions she's ever made in her life. We move to extreme slow-motion on Jaye's pouting, wincing face as Peggy slow-talks that she had to go with someone who was more of a people person. Extreme close-up on Peggy's mouth, full of spit as she talks, her teeth spotted brown. Slow-motion on Alec, who holds up his assistant manager nametag with awe. Jaye gives Peggy a death glare. "No one here is a loser," Peggy says to Jaye. The word "loser" echoes as we...
...head outside to the Maid of the Mist statue, the word "loser" still echoing as Jaye anxiously eats her sandwich. She watches Alec outside the door, thanking everyone for shopping at Wonderfalls. Two scenes ago he was just as big a slacker as she is, and in three minutes he became super assistant manager due to a flashback? As Jaye thinks really mean thoughts about Alec, she chokes on her sandwich. As she coughs and wheezes, trying to breathe, I would like to take this moment to ask the camera people to back the hell up. I don't need the trachea cam, okay? I get that she's choking. Jaye stands up and looks around frantically, but tourists hate helping people, and she's only standing in front of the main attraction, so nobody notices her. Jaye falls to her hands and knees. A man nearby drops some change. Jaye horks the wad of PB&J onto the ground as a quarter rolls to her hand. The man tries to get his change back, but Jaye snarls at him like a rabid dog. The man tells her to keep the change and backs away. Jaye picks up the quarter, still grimacing, and flings it behind her. As "majestic" music plays, the quarter flies through the air, smacks the statue and ricochets into the back of Jaye's head. It bounces off her head and into the water. "Ow!" Jaye shouts, and turns around to death glare at the statue. Jaye stares at the statue, rubs the back of her head, and pouts away. Close-up on the quarter in the water, reflecting sunlight.
View-Master swipe to a shot of a machine that makes wax molds, this one of a lion. (Why not a Maid of the Mist? Who knows.) We watch the lion get molded and then passed down a tube. A woman pulls the lion out of the "Mold-A-Rama" machine. She walks over to Jaye and says, "You didn't give me my discount and this lion is defective." She puts the lion on the counter. Part of its face is melted in. The woman comments, "The face. It's all funky." Jaye takes a good look at the funky lion and says that the vending machine doesn't belong to the store. "If you have a complaint, there's a number on the side." For some reason, they show us what the lion is supposed to look like, but I think we're all smart enough to see that the lion's a little melty. The woman says she's a guest at the Hillcrest hotel, and she has a coupon for a 20% discount, and Jaye didn't honor it. Jaye argues that the woman should have presented the coupon at the time of purchase. "My ass," says the woman. "I'm presenting it now." Jaye: "Did you just say 'My ass'?" Alec interrupts here to appease the unhappy patron, honoring her discount. Alec tells Jaye to give the woman her $3.86. He leaves, and the woman gives Jaye a satisfied smirk. As Jaye opens the till, the wax lion speaks up, telling Jaye that she shouldn't give the lady her money back. The digeridoo of magic tchotchkes kicks in. Jaye and the lady stare at each other -- Jaye in amazement, the lady in exasperation. Jaye looks around, but nobody else appears to have heard the talking lion. Jaye looks back at the lion, who is busy winking and wiggling his head a little. Jaye goes into the till to retrieve the lady's change. "Don't," says the lion. But Jaye does. The woman thanks her and walks out of the store, where she's immediately mugged. She screams that a man stole her purse, and calls him a son of a bitch. This is the time when I'd like to mention that I don't understand her scarf. It's kind of a ribbed turtleneck, but then it's also a scarf that's not ribbed at all. I think it's a scarf dickey, and that's crazy. As the woman shouts a million different curse words about the thief's mother, Jaye stares in shock. She looks down at the lion. "Told you," he says. Alec walks over and tells Jaye that her mother is on the phone. He tells her she has two minutes for a personal call. As Jaye takes the phone, Alec starts his watch. Jaye immediately passes out. Wait. That's not exactly true. She goes, "Hello, Mother." And then she goes, "Huhhhhhhh," which is the sound of fake fainting. Alec looks around, his tongue hanging a bit out of his mouth, thinking, computing. He stops his watch. The View-Master takes us to our first commercial break.
Recapping this show requires every part of my brain.
Welcome to the "High and Dry Trailer Park." This is where Jaye lives. Jaye is currently having a meltdown in her bedroom. We hear the sound of knocking, and a woman's voice pleading with Jaye to open the door.
The other side of the door is currently hosting Jaye's family, who look like they interrupted rather busy days, what with their fancy suits and all. Jaye's mom is a pretty blonde, as is her sister, a dead ringer for Anne Heche. Only Jaye's brother is the goof-off. We know this because his first line is, "Maybe she's taking a dump." The sister says, "The mouth-breather at the store said she went pale, twitched a couple of times, and passed out." Mom: "He called it a 'sode. Short for 'episode'?" Hee. Jaye shouts through the door that she's fine and that they can all go home now. Sister rolls her eyes. Mom gently says through the door, "Sweetheart, you aren't fine. You had a 'sode." Jaye's home is really red. Jaye shouts that she had low blood sugar, but that she ate a Snickers and she's fine now. The family breaks into an argument about whether this is an intervention or just a collection of concern. Mom has a line here that was written just to butter up this site: "You both came out of me. I don't understand why you have to be so snarky." Sister goes down a list of items that Jaye stole from her during childhood, including money, makeup, and a car. Mom asks Sister if she thought the paramedic was handsome. Sister asks her to stop asking her that. The brother suggests this is an emotional problem Jaye's having: "She lives in a trailer park. Clearly she's disturbed. I mean...clearly." Mom asks Dad to prescribe something for what is Jaye's obvious depression. Dad says you don't just start popping pills to mask the problem. He says that there are other ways to deal with a problem. Dad walks up to the door and shouts, "Sweetheart? When's the last time you had an orgasm?" As someone who has had her father ask her the very same question, let me tell you that right now Jaye's skin has gone ice cold and she might have a kind of vertigo from her eardrums imploding on instinctual survival skills. Sister tells her fam that the sound they're now hearing from Jaye is stunned silence. Dad tells Jaye that there's nothing to be ashamed of, since millions of people have orgasms every day. Jaye: "Not ashamed. Mortified!" So Jaye's like, twenty-two and lives in her own trailer? Isn't that kind of pricey for a girl of her age and salary? ["Not in western New York." -- Wing Chun] Dad suggests that Jaye talk to Dr. Ron. A slightly petrified-looking Mom says, "I really don't want her talking to my therapist. She'll give him ideas." Jaye shouts that she doesn't need therapy, and that she's all better now. Sister suggests that they "put her down." Brother: "It is just like going to sleep." And at the last minute we learn a name: the sister is Sharon.
Jaye stares at the wax lion as her mother tells her through the door that they don't want to put her down; they just want to understand what happened.
View-Master to therapist's office. Sound of ticking clock. Dr. Ron asks Jaye to tell him about her family. Jaye says she doesn't like to gossip. Dr. Ron asks if her family life is stressful. Stee takes this moment to point out to me that Dr. Ron looks like a weird grown-up Webster with a pasted-on goatee and wet, curly hair. (In case you're one of those girls who needs to know what Stee is thinking at all times. Trust me, there are those girls.) As Jaye and Dr. Ron talk about Jaye's mother, the monkey statue on the table comes to life, and browses the book in its lap. Jaye gets a little weirded out, and says she's confused. Dr. Ron says that's perfectly normal. The monkey echoes that sentiment. Jaye puts her purse in front of the monkey, and then smiles a bit. Dr. Ron asks Jaye to elaborate on the animosity she has with her sister. "She hates me," Jaye explains. Dr. Ron asks how that makes her feel. Jaye: "One less person to worry about?" Dr. Ron asks Jaye when was the last time she told her sister that Jaye loves her. Jaye says she doesn't know how Dr. Ron was raised, but that they don't do things like that in her family. The monkey peers out from behind the purse and says, "I love you." In what other universe would I have gotten to type those thirteen words in that order?
View-Master to a bar called The Barrel. The cute UPS guy sits alone at a table. We follow the waitress to the bar, where Dr. Ron's monkey sits. Jaye has a friend, who asks her why she stole the monkey. "It told me to," Jaye pouts. The friend asks if the monkey is going to tell the friend to steal something. Jaye says she'd be so happy if it did. Jaye takes another shot and says she ran into Gretchen today: "Her hair looked like carpet." They gossip about high-school stories, like the time Gretchen apparently wiped her ass with some poor girl's gym towel. Jaye brags to her friend that she fainted today, and that they think it's stress. The friend says that Jaye doesn't have any stress. Jaye shouts that she has lots of stress because she works retail. She says that the mouth-breather is now her boss. Jaye says that the look on her mom's face when she found out looked like she had just wiped her face with the aforementioned ass towel. Jaye says she enjoyed telling her mom. The friend says that Jaye would, because she's spiteful. Jaye fakes a pout to go, "Nuh-uh!" The friend goes on about how disappointing her family is an extreme sport for Jaye. Jaye says that her family consists of hardworking people who are disappointed in their lives, and that she's disappointed while hardly working at all. The friend reminds Jaye that she's now working for a mouth-breather who's still in high school. Jaye smiles and says she so wants to walk out on the friend right now, but that if she stands up, she'll fall. The friend says she has to go back to work anyway. She stands up and tells the cute bartender that she needs those kamikazes. He says he just gave them to her. Friend: "Yeah. We drank those. Need four more." She turns to Jaye and explains: "He's new." Jaye watches the new bartender make drinks as a cell phone goes off. "Your ass is ringing," she tells him. We ass cam to the cell phone in the bartender's back pocket. It says "107 messages." He hands the friend the kamikazes and says his ass rings a lot. We can see the cute UPS guy pouting in the background as Jaye asks the bartender if he's ever thought of setting his phone on vibrate. He says he's not secure enough with his manhood to do that. He hands Jaye a free shot. She asks him why he has an ass if he doesn't answer it. He says he used to answer it, but he hasn't since he got married six days ago: "Her name's Heidi. She's obsessed with bed linens."
Smash cut to the honeymoon suite as the bartender tells us he married his college sweetheart. We see them enter the suite, all happy. "Married in New Jersey. Honeymoon in Niagara. It was like a fairy tale." Cut to that night, when the bartender enters the room carrying a golf bag. "Until I caught her with a bellman in our room." Pull back to reveal a bellman in uniform, face frozen in stunned glee as he whispers, "Sweet!" Close-up on the bartender, who's having some problems keeping his tongue behind his teeth as he asks, "Honey?" Cut to the bartender walking through the rain as he tells us that the sheets had an eight-hundred thread count and she couldn't control herself. Cut to the bar, where we see the bartender drinking. He says he sat there for three days drinking himself silly until they offered him a job there. Ta da.
Jaye slides her shot over to the bartender instead. She asks if he has work in New Jersey. He says he's pretty sure they're going to fire him when he doesn't show up. Jaye: "That's awesome." The bartender tries this line out for size: "You know, I've been thinking. I'm almost dumb enough to start something on the rebound. What do you say?" Jaye says that's a sweet offer, but that she might be clinically insane, so he might want to wait for someone more stable. The bartender says he doesn't think that would be as interesting. Jaye walks away.
View-Master. Niagara. Gift shop. Jaye watches I Surrender to Destiny. The UPS delivery guy shows up again and says hello. He asks Jaye about the weather. She rolls her eyes at him. The wax lion tells her to ask him about the ring. Now, if she didn't want that thing talking to her anymore, why would she bring it to work? Anyway, Jaye doesn't want to ask about the ring, and doesn't want that thing talking to her anymore, so she tries to ignore it as the UPS guy leaves. So the wax lion pulls a WB frog on her, singing, "Hello, my baby! Hello, my honey! Hello, my ragtime gal" until she obeys him. You know, I'm calling him a UPS guy, but his shirt says "EPS." I don't care. Jaye runs up to the UPS guy and asks him what happened to his wedding ring.
Zoom to the UPS guy in civilian clothes, watching his wife move all of her things out of their home. "What'd I do wrong?" he asks. He's holding a can of Pringles. She doesn't answer. She walks out of frame.
UPS guy tells Jaye he doesn't wear the ring anymore. He says they talked about this already: "Remember?" Jaye says she doesn't remember that. UPS guy is all, "Sure we did. The divorce?" And suddenly Jaye remembers. That's a little awkward. Did it really happen, or is she playing along? The UPS guy says he still doesn't know what he did wrong. Jaye asks what happened to the ring. The UPS guy breaks into tears as he admits he pawned it, and then hustles out of the shop. Jaye smirk-pouts and then goes, "Poor bitch." She turns to the wax lion and hisses, "You made me make him cry." The digeridoo starts up as Jaye walks to the window and watches the UPS man toss a coin into the fountain.
COIN CAM! We watch the quarter flip and spin into the fountain.
The lion tells Jaye, "See a penny, pick it up." Jaye pouts out of frame.
COIN CAM! The quarter hits the bottom of the fountain.
The UPS guy leaves.
Shot of the statue. Jaye walks over and stares at the coins. One is extra-shiny. It's the quarter. She rolls up her sleeve and puts her hand in the water. A blonde girl walks over and says, "You're not supposed to steal." Jaye sneers to her, "You're not supposed to talk to strangers. Piss off!" Maybe if Jaye were funnier I'd find her endearing. But man, she's grumpy. Jaye stares at the quarter. The eagle moves on its branch. Jaye jumps and flings the quarter. It rolls.
COIN CAM! The quarter rolls down the cement, through the legs of passing tourists. Jaye follows. The quarter rolls down stairs. Jaye follows. The quarter flies through the air and lands into an open lunch bag. Somehow, Jaye can see that. Someone picks up the lunch bag, gets on a bike, and rides away. Jaye runs, wondering aloud what she's doing.
Jaye follows the man on the bike, but he's listening to headphones and can't hear Jaye shouting. Luckily, he dumps the lunch bag into a nearby trashcan just as Jaye gives up. Jaye runs to the trashcan and digs through the lunch bag. A nearby elderly couple watch her in judgment. Jaye finds her quarter, but the eagle no longer dances. Instead, something else is shiny: it's the reflection of the brooch on the purse of the angry lady from the gift shop. Jaye has found her stolen bag. She picks it up out of the trash. "You gotta be kidding," she says. We go to commercial.
Jaye is at her home, eating chicken. She leaves a piece in front of the wax lion. Then she takes it back. She talks out loud, recapping the show up to now. The purse was empty: "Was that supposed to mean something? Was it a metaphor? Are you Satan? Are you God?" The lion doesn't respond. Jaye says that if he doesn't say something in the five seconds, she'll assume he's Satan. She counts to four and then stops. "Oh, God," she says. "I'm a crazy person."
Jaye knocks on the motel-room door of the foul-mouthed lady. "I found your purse," Jaye says, when the woman opens the door. She hands it to her. The woman sees the purse is empty. "Well, where's my wallet? Brush? My tampons?" Jaye says the bag was in the garbage. The woman asks how Jaye found it, then: "Wednesday your day to dig through the trash?" Jaye tells the woman her voice just got loud. "You bet your ass, my voice just got loud because you and your little friend stole my purse!" Jaye scoffs, and then the woman tells Jaye what she learned on 60 Minutes about identity theft and tourists. She calls Jaye a bitch. Jaye says she came her to be nice and knocked on seventy-one doors before she found the right one. She holds up her fist to show how raw her knuckles are. The woman sees it as a threat and punches Jaye dead in the face. We are treated to Sound Effect #38: "Punch (to face)." Jaye and the woman face off for a second, and then break into a catfight.
Sharon answers her phone in the middle of the night.
Motel room. The cops are there. Jaye and the lady are sitting on the bed. Jaye asks the woman if she trims her toenails with pliers. The woman has one overly-made-up black eye. Sharon shows up and asks Jaye what is wrong with her.
Zoom down to the street, where Jaye and Sharon are walking. "You're twenty-four!" Sharon tells us. "'Troubled teen' is no longer flattering on you." Jaye tells Sharon it was nice talking to her and tries to walk off, but Sharon hurls her shoe at Jaye, hitting her on the back of her head. "Ow! Oh, that was dramatic," Jaye whines. Sharon tells Jaye to grow up: "Arrested for disorderly conduct? Really, though." Jaye screeches that the woman hit her first. Sharon says she can't imagine why anyone would want to hit Jaye: "And fainting at work? What is that about? Are you starving yourself again?" Jaye: "Why are you being such a cow? You're my sister." Those two sentences don't really work together, nor do they make much sense in response to what Sharon just said, but I think something must have been cut from the scene and they just wanted to get to this part where Sharon says that Jaye tells people she and Sharon aren't related. Jaye says that she only did that once. "It was Grandpa's wake," says Sharon. Jaye tells her she always has such a bug up her ass. Sharon asks Jaye how many people she called before she called Sharon. "Five. No, six. You were the only one home." Sharon gets into her SUV and performs the one bit of physical comedy that made me like this episode. She yanks and pulls on the seat belt, but it won't budge, so she has to totally Zen out for a second so that she can ease the belt over her lap. Hee. Sharon drives away, revealing a small girl standing in the parking lot. "Thanks for finding my mom's purse," she says to Jaye. Jaye, who has no idea how to smile, sneers a bit before saying, "You're welcome." The little girl walks away.
The Barrel. Jaye's friend asks what happened to her. Jaye complains that she was attacked by a middle-aged Texas hausfrau during an act of kindness. ["That woman was no Texan. She's a Bad Canadian Actor; I've seen her in eight dozen Canadian commercials." -- Wing Chun] The friend asks Jaye why she was performing an act of kindness. "Just wanted to see what it was like," says Jaye. She asks if crazy people know they're crazy. The friend asks if she means crazy-insane, or crazy like the time the friend put a videocamera in her house and pretended she was on Big Brother. Jaye says that when you think you're crazy, you're really not. She tells her friend that a smooshed-faced wax lion has been talking to her. The friend says it's natural to embody the world around us with consciousness: "It's all that tree-hugging crap." She says it's like when Native Americans -- "Indians," Jaye corrects her. It's like when Indians says that everything has a soul. The wind, your cell phone, little smooshed-face lions. They all have souls. Jaye says it opened its mouth and words came out. It blinked. Jaye says it's upsetting. The friend repeats again that everything has a soul, and that Jaye has been repressing that notion. She says that when you repress something, it comes back "all crazy and pissed off." Jaye asks if that means she's not crazy. "I don't know," the friend says. "Maybe." She leaves to deliver more drinks, and Jaye stares at nothing as she sips her own.
Niagara Falls. Slowly, I turned...Sorry. That's the only time I'll do that. I got it out of the way in the pilot, okay? There. It's done. I did it. I said it. You knew it was coming. Gift shop. Jaye watches her show. "Don't get in the boat," she warns. The Princess gets in the boat. "Dumb-ass," Jaye sneers. Alec tells Jaye that if she's looking for something to do, the name patches need to be re-alphabetized. Jaye says she's folding. Alec argues that she isn't. But this is when Jaye's mom and Sharon arrive at the store. Mom says she hates to bother Jaye at work, but wants to know if everything's okay. Jaye says it's swell. Mom asks for the stolen monkey back. Dr. Ron is refusing to see Jaye's mother until he gets it back. Jaye lies that she didn't take the monkey. Mom tells Sharon not to smoke a cigarette: "Aren't your fingertips yellow enough?" Sharon goes outside to smoke. Mom tells Jaye that Dr. Ron has a security camera in his office, so he knows Jaye took the monkey. Jaye says she does have the monkey, then. Mom notices Sharon outside talking to the cute UPS guy. I don't want to call him "Poor Bitch." She tells Jaye to give Dr. Ron back his monkey. She then takes a closer look at her daughter. She seems not to notice the black eye. She says it's time to do something different with Jaye's hair, and says they should have a salon day together soon. She kisses Jaye on the forehead and leaves. The UPS guy enters and tells Jaye that her sister is hot. The wax lion tells Jaye that he thinks Jaye's sister is hot. The UPS guy repeats: "Your sister? Wow!" Jaye turns to the wax lion. "Make me a match," he says. Jaye leans in and points at the wax lion, telling him that he can't talk, since he doesn't have a larynx. "Make," the lion starts, but Jaye shushes him with her finger.
Jaye's trailer. Night. The lion is singing a song. "Sharon and Poor Bitch sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes Poor Bitch with a baby carriage." Jaye tries to sleep, but it's not working.
Morning. Trailer. Jaye now looks homicidal as the lion sings the word "Sharon" to the song "Daisy." Jaye screams at the wax lion: "If I do this will you SHUT UP?" The lion keeps singing. Jaye throws something heavy at the lion, knocking him off the table (he makes a sound like he felt that). From inside the trash can, we hear his echoed words: "Make me a match." Jaye pouts with her eyes wide.
The passage of time is shown with messages Jaye leaves for Sharon. We see Sharon's message book, with repeated urgent messages from her sister. Jaye tells Sharon to be at The Barrel at 8 tonight. Then: "Wear something slimming."
The Barrel. Jaye stuffs the wax lion into the centerpiece at the table as she waits. Sharon shows up: "This had better be good because I'm having a real hard time getting it up for your drama." Jaye orders Sharon a glass of wine. "You call that slimming?" she asks Sharon, giving her the once-over. Sharon asks how many people Jaye asked for dinner before she asked Sharon. Jaye: "None." Sharon sits: "Did you get fired again?" We learn that the UPS guy's name is Thomas. Jaye asks Sharon if she remembers talking to him today. Sharon says she vaguely remembers him, but that she didn't think he was particularly cute: "He's not my type." As Jaye goes on about how Sharon could do a lot worse, suddenly Thomas shows up. Jaye introduces Sharon to Thomas again. He gives Sharon some flowers and sits down. Jaye says that's so sweet, and then excuses herself to the bathroom. Sharon smiles at Thomas, who smiles back.
Jaye visits her bartender friend and asks for him to get her drunk. He looks at his tray of multi-colored shots and asks if she wants a Jell-O shooter. She asks if he has grape. He hands her one, and we hear Sharon off-camera say, "That's not the bathroom." Jaye leaves with her drink.
Swipe cut to Sharon and Thomas, not saying much. Thomas says that Jaye seems like she'd be a real nice sister. Sharon says Thomas seems like a very nice man, but that he should know that absolutely nothing is going to happen between them. Sharon says she was brought there under false pretenses. Thomas says that Jaye told him that Sharon thought he was cute. "She lied," says Sharon. "I don't."
Swipe cut to Jaye at the bar, saying she thought that if she could get her sister laid, the wax lion would shut up. Does Jaye really think it's a good idea to tell everyone that inanimate objects are controlling her life? The bartender gives a kind of shaky smile and asks, "You're just teasing about the lion, right?" Jaye says she is and takes a shot.
Swipe cut to Thomas and Sharon at the table. Thomas asks if it's his teeth. He says his ex used to complain about his teeth all the time, since the bottom ones are crooked. He pulls down his lower lip to show the crooked teeth: "See?" Everybody on this show has strangely spaced teeth. Why should he care? Sharon says his teeth aren't a big plus, but that they're not the dealbreaker. Thomas asks if it's because he's too sensitive. He says he thinks it makes him a really good kisser. Sharon says it's not him, it's her. Thomas: "That old chestnut." She says she'll tell him a secret if he promises not tell anyone: "I'm a lesbian. The reason I'm not attracted to you is because your genitals are on the outside." Thomas can't believe Sharon's even going to do the lesbian excuse.
Smash cut to Jaye telling her bartender, "I think the universe is conspiring against me." I think I'm getting a little sick of her melancholy. The bartender can't believe it's the entire universe. "All of creation," Jaye says. "It's a plot. I know that now." He asks what the plot is. Jaye says she can't tell him, because Vanna hasn't turned over enough letters yet. The bartender says he always thought Vanna had a big head. Jaye agrees. Big heads look better on camera. Many celebrities have big heads. I'm just throwing in a fun fact there because I've got nothing else to do. Are y'all bored? Just wondering. "See? Simpatico," the bartender says to Jaye, which means some other scene must have been cut that explains that one. Jaye smiles and says she's been in the bathroom for a very long time. What's your name, bartender? Oh, well. Maybe Jaye's a lesbian, too.
Jaye apologizes to Sharon and Thomas, saying someone was just telling her the most interesting story about pirates. "I bet," Sharon says, her mouth full, between shovels of salad. Thomas asks Jaye if her sister is really a lesbian. Jaye freaks out on Thomas, saying that just because a woman isn't attracted to him, it doesn't make her a lesbian. Jaye stops and asks him, "Did you have that goiter before?" Thomas's neck is now enormous as he hesitantly asks, "Were there peanuts in this salad?" Who knows why his swollen neck gives him a lisp, but okay.
Jaye hauls ass to the hospital. Sharon and Thomas are in the back seat. Jaye asks Sharon what was that crack about her being a lesbian: "Are you a lesbian? I mean, it's not horribly surprising, but are you?" Sharon asks what she means about it not being horribly surprising. "You drive an SUV," Jaye says. Wacky music plays as Thomas suffocates on his own throat. Jaye suggests they "trach him." Sharon asks if she has a pen. Jaye: "Ball point or fine tip?" Sharon takes the ball point as Jaye asks if Mom knows. "She would unspool," says Sharon, uncapping the pen in her mouth. Jaye asks if she can tell Mom. "No!" Sharon screams, and then jams the pen into Thomas' neck.
Hospital. Thomas is wheeled in. Sharon and Jaye run into the emergency room. View-Master to commercial.
Hospital room. Thomas is fine. The doctor tells Jaye that the Medium Point Bic Round Stick is the preferred pen for emergency tracheotomies. You know what's funny? What I type before I spellcheck, when I'm working on coffee speed and don't want to slow down to think out the polysyllabic word. My first attempt? "Tracheotimoys."
In the hall, mouth smudged in ink, Sharon sits, pouting. Thomas's ex-wife appears, and asks Sharon if she brought in the man with the pen in his throat. She says she's the ex-wife, and asks Sharon if she's Thomas's girlfriend. "I don't have a girlfriend," Sharon says quickly, caught. "I mean, I'm not his...no." The ex-wife smiles and tells Sharon she has ink on her chin. She licks her thumb and smudges Sharon's face clean with her finger, lingering at her lower lip. I don't understand the ex-wife's hair and how it doesn't even come close to matching her almost invisible eyebrows.
In the hospital room, Jaye goes on about how this is mostly Thomas's fault, as he watches Sharon and his ex-wife flirt across from him. Thomas tries to talk. Jaye notices Sharon smiling and asks what she's being sneaky about. "Oh, so that's how it is," Jaye concludes. Sharon says she has to be in court in the morning. She asks for cab money. The ex-wife offers to give her a ride. They practically leave skid marks. "Feel better!" the ex-wife waves. A pretty nurse comes in. Jaye tells Thomas that at least he knows it wasn't him. It's okay. He and the nurse are now hot for each other. Jaye wonders out loud if you have to ask for morphine. She sees the nurse and Thomas flirting. "You've got to be kidding me," she says.
Jaye drives home.
Thomas enjoys a sponge bath from the nurse. We hear his heartrate increase as she goes lower with the sponge.
Jaye's trailer. Sharon's waiting inside. She says she climbed in through the window. She tells Jaye she'll need a new screen. Jaye asks why Sharon didn't wait in her luxury SUV. Sharon says she was waiting there, but that there was a dirty kid eating out of a can of Spaghetti-O's, and he wouldn't stop staring at her. Jaye says, "So you're a lesbian now." Sharon: "Just now." Jaye says she can imagine herself doing a girl, in prison, if there weren't any guys around and the girl was Drew Barrymore. Sharon and Jaye sit to each other. Sharon asks Jaye why she's being so nice to her all of a sudden. Jaye says she's always been nice to Sharon. Sharon says that when she was on spring break one year, Jaye put a litter box with a space heater in Sharon's closet while Sharon was gone. Jaye laughs and says she forgot why she did that. Sharon says that Jaye's never cared about her love life before. She's not complaining, but it's different: "What is going on with you?" Jaye says she doesn't know. She says she feels like a pinball, and she's been bouncing around, and she's trying to do what she's supposed to do, but they keep on making her guess. "Who made you guess?" Sharon asks. Jaye decides not to come clean this time, and says, "Nobody. The proverbial 'they.'" Sharon puts her arm around her sister. Jaye looks at the monkey, who whispers, "I love you!" Jaye says, "I...love you." Instead of the line from the original pilot and the teaser, which said, "Please don't respond to that," this time they have Sharon say she loves Jaye, too. Jaye is shocked to find that she doesn't feel dirty. She says they could probably say it again sometime, but not for a while. They decide to say it on birthdays and holidays. "But never in public," Jaye says. Sharon's smile fades.
The statue. Night. Jaye looks at the statue. Her bartender just happens to be walking by. He comes to Jaye's side and watches the statue. He asks why they always sacrifice the pretty ones. Jaye says it's easier to kill pretty people, even though you'd think the opposite would be true. The bartender wonders why the Maid didn't just paddle to the other side of the river. Jaye says she was surrendering to destiny. She tells him that there was a cult once that used that slogan and paddled themselves in canoes to a mass suicide over the edge. "That wasn't in any of the brochures," the bartender says. He says there's something to be said for surrendering to destiny. Why struggle with fate? "Life can be sort of peaceful when you stop struggling." Jaye: "A lot like drowning that way." They stare at the water and smile. The song says something about peace or a face in the water as we see some weird...face in the water? What is going on? ["She's been talking to a wax lion for an hour, and now you've stopped suspending your disbelief?" -- Wing Chun]
Jaye's gift shop. She stocks something. Thomas and his pretty nurse enter the shop. Thomas walks up to Jaye and squeaks out a "thank you." Jaye makes him repeat it over and over again, not able to lip-read "thank you," for some reason, and makes him write it down, scaring him momentarily with a pen. She hands him a grease pencil and a postcard. "He's paying for that," Alec says. Thomas writes that he had a crappy date, but the best night of his life. He reveals his hot nurse girlfriend. "I'm going to marry her," he writes. As Jaye congratulates him for getting back on the horse, they stop talking when they see the hot nurse ogling a girl who passes by. Thomas goes back to collect his girlfriend. They leave, laughing.
Jaye sees another girl flip a quarter into the fountain.
COIN CAM!
Another gift -- this time a bear in a barrel -- tells Jaye: "See a penny, pick it up." The wax lion's no longer talking. The digeridoo and the tribal drums start up as Jaye moans and groans that she was supposed to be done with all this crazy stuff. But she can't, because this is only the pilot, so she runs out of the gift shop, following the girl who made the wish. We know which one she is because they made her have toilet paper trailing from her shoe. Jaye runs up, telling the girl she's supposed to help her, and starts by informing her about the TP on her sole. View-Master out.