Moon Shot V carries us into the show; then we see a deserted highway for what feels like the zillionth time. I should be counting that, too. On a hill above the road, Luke and Pammy and two of the other Care Bears point their unique stare at a big rig zooming around a corner. "Right on time," grins Luke. The trucker is giggling at whatever's on his radio, paying no particular attention to the road until he hears a wolf howling. Suddenly, the ceiling trembles. Then a wolf leaps onto the hood. Wow, that does look like fun. Wish I were a wolf. The trucker is so freaked that he swerves off the road, flipping the rig, which skids to a halt near the side of the street. Small fires start near the back. Crawling out into the street, the bloodied man peers up to see four naked youths crouched in a line before him. He grins feebly, certain he knows how this will end because he rented Road-Sex Posse III: The Gang Banging of David last weekend. Then he collapses. Frantically, Luke throws the driver into the flatbed of his pickup truck and peels away from the wreckage, just as CGI flames engulf the tanker. It explodes.
Inside the car, Luke is sweating. He berates Pammy for jumping onto the roof of the truck. "What were you thinking?" he freaks. "Who's thinking?" she spits. Good comeback. I'm still lost as to what the initial purpose of their little scamper was supposed to be. Their pal in the flatbed is screaming, "This is really bad, man!" and the fourth wolf is somehow absent. The trucker's face is bloodied and coated in pus; he twitches violently, and his hand slaps against the back window, prompting Pammy's wry observation, "Good news. He's alive." Welcome to I Know What You Did Last Full Moon.
This week, we have credits. Lou gets top billing, then Tim Matheson, and the actors who play Luke and Sophia. Scott Bairstow gets an "also starring" credit, Sharon Lawrence gets "with," and Graham Greene gets an "and." Heather Locklear is dubbed "special guest star," a title she'll keep for seven seasons, wherein her wolf will first run an ad agency, then buy Wolf Lake and turn it into condos.
Moon Shot VI. Lou is at the sheriff's office, bitching as usual. "A holocaust of dead kids in the cemetery, dating back to the 1800s; a religion that exists nowhere else in the world; wolves and weird Indians; and a fertility rate that would make the Pope blush," Lou lists angrily. "Does none of this strike you as odd?" Donner shrugs. He is so beyond caring what Lou has to say. "Oh, and another thing: is it my imagination, or is the moon always full around here?" Lou asks. No, Lou. It's called "stock footage," or "B-roll." Donner sweetly points out how terrible the sweaty, clammy Lou looks. Lou demands access to the sheriff's records, on the shaky grounds that it's some officer-to-officer courtesy. Donner laughs in Lou's face. I love when people do that. "Ruby Cates isn't here," Donner insists. "You're chasing the Holy Grail." Please. She's not that cute. Lou threatens to call in the FBI, with the bravura of a man completely deluded about his influence and station in life. But a Mulder/Scully crossover -- or their new-season discount equivalents -- would be pretty hilarious. Maybe they could do it in parody, with Agents Sculder and Mully, played by two very tenacious teddy bears bent on cracking the werewolf cartel. Donner totally mocks Lou's idea, pointing out that (a) Lou is delusional, (b) Ruby didn't even give him her real name, so it probably wasn't love, and (c) HA! Lou wipes his wet forehead while Donner explains that he's spoken to the Seattle officers and learned that Lou is a total nutjob. "Get help; try to keep your pension," advises Donner with a smirk. Lou rubs his face again, faintly aware of his own foolishness.
Tyler screens a virtual tour of a state-of-the-art prison facility. He's speaking to the Wolf Lake elders, trying to convince them that such a facility will bring big money, new roads, and a horde of jobs for the good people of Wolf Lake. But then he points out that they can also lock up outsiders, meaning that most of the new jobs will go unfilled because Wolf Lake's population of approximately ten shapeshifters is already employed. Ty doesn't point out that part, but that's why I'm here. Anyway, he says that other rural counties have brought prisons to town to increase prosperity. "One big cage, huh?" Cates grunts. "Society's most violent offenders, right in our own back yard." Newsflash: they're already there. Wolves aren't exactly benevolent killer-carnivores. Ty eagerly says they can build it with local contractors, staff the kitchen with folks from local restaurants, and let a local person run it -- namely, Ty himself. "Humph," Cates says eloquently. "Our land is sacred. Pristine." Ty argues they can spare the acreage, and that it's time to use the land rather than wait for something better. "We have our legs wrapped around a rocket here. What the hell is it still doing on the ground?" Ty argues. Vivian smirks. She had her legs wrapped around that rocket last night. Cates nods, then offers crumbcake to the assembly. Ty looks pissed.
A hand shakes Sophia awake. It's Luke, freaked out and panting. "I didn't know where else to go," he says, near tears. He breathlessly confesses they might've killed someone. At that moment, Donner knocks on his daughter's door and she manages to deflect his questions about the noise -- but by then, Luke has already fled through the window. Incidentally, to do it, he'd have had to run past the opening through which Sophia spoke to her father, but whatever. What's logic got to do with it? Sophia looks royally bummed that she missed out on a chance to be alone with a boy in her bedroom.
Sherman bangs on Lou's door. "Heard you were sick, so I hustled right over," he grins. "What, you don't see it as neighborly?" Lou is still sweating. He makes a laborious crack about how it would be neighborly if they lived in Iowa, but they don't. The Pacific Northwest is getting such a bad rap here. At least Lou has one thing right: they are in Wolf Lake. Sherman whips out a double cappuccino -- for himself -- and a bottle of extra-strength aspirin. So much for holistic healing. He also brought a thermos full of chicken soup, and Lou is as touched as Lou can be when he's glaring his hyper-suspicious eyeballs clean out of his skull. Sherman pops a pill and lamely mentions his drunk night out with a toothless palm reader wearing surgical stockings -- see? I told you it was bad. It's like the writers have those vocabulary fridge magnets and just pull them out of a hat, string them together, and write the dialogue. "Do yourself a favor," Sherman advises. "Get that in your bloodstream as quick as you can."
Ty kicks back at Cates's desk, rubbing the gnarled nasty fuzz that passes for his beard. It's like there's a giant crotch on his chin. Vivian enters and coldly demands that he explain himself. Ty seductively strolls toward her and explains that he wants to screw her silly all over the house. She slaps him. "Snap out of it," she barks. "Said Cher to Nicolas Cage in Moonstruck, 1987," notes Ty. "He had a wooden hand." Huh? Does Ty? Maybe his was the severed hand found in Ruby's car, and he just has an outstanding prosthetic. If not, then...I give up. He reaches for her again, and she decks him again, this time with the back of her hand. Go Vivian! "Not in my house, not under my roof. Ever," she spits. "And not just because my husband shot down your precious little idea. It's humiliating." Her voice drips with disdain. Ty apologizes. "Not to me. Humiliating to you," she snarls. Ty is annoyed again. Vivian walks away.
Donner has Luke in his car and is speeding toward the crash site. He says he knows Luke dropped the driver off at the hospital, and the man has third-degree burns all over his body. Luke is tight-lipped. Donner accuses Luke of "tripping with [his] crew," and somehow causing the crash. "Ooh, tripping!" mocks Luke. "Long live the Grateful Dead." Scared Luke will drag Sophia into this stuff, Donner threatens the boy with jail time. "She's the one you should be locking down," retorts Luke, noting that Sophia's the one pushing to join the pack.
Luke and Donner arrive at the crash site, except the wreckage is missing. Luke is confused. Spotting residue on the ground, Donner swipes a sample and marvels that in just half a day, someone crept over there and swept five tons of steel and rubber off the road.
A feverish Lou is curled up in bed, when he hears another knock on the door. Irritated, he gets up and throws it open, only to see Ruby standing there. "Sssh," she whispers. "Close the door." For someone who abandoned his life and career to find her, Lou doesn't look terribly jubilant to see her. He acts like he's more thrilled to be proven right than to be reunited with his semi-fiancée. Ruby's eyes look really funky. They're liquid green-blue. I can't tell if it's special effects, or just bad lighting. Ruby insists that Lou must leave immediately, disappearing forever. She adds that she never loved him, and never will. Lou refuses to believe this, because if it's true, it makes him incredibly pathetic. When he refuses to leave her alone, Ruby grabs him by the neck and tosses him against the wall, and oh, his legs spread, and he was wearing very small boxers. Gulp. But they sped up the footage, so we barely see anything unless we hit pause. And we don't. Hit. Pause. Ruby leaves, and the door slaps. Lou leaps up and rips it open, only to see a bright desertscape outside. Confused, he slams the door and trembles. The thermos of soup floats past. Lou groans. "That crazy Indian," he says.
While the town doctor treats a patient, Donner inappropriately quizzes him about what could cause skin to melt. Basically, he thinks the truck driver was singed by something other than simple flames -- something, for instance, like toxic chemicals. The doctor confirms that this could indeed happen, but says they can't find out because the patient was released just that morning to the military police. Cut to the man, red and blistered, getting duct tape applied to his squishy mouth. Ty's minions put him in a body bag and toss him onto a burning pyre, while Ty insists they stay there to make sure everything burns completely.
Sophia gingerly approaches Luke at the diner and asks whether he wants to go somewhere and talk later. He does not. His rejection is obvious and rude, and Sophia flees, embarrassed.
Vivian holds a syringe up to some liquid and slowly fills it. Cates, off-camera, blathers about some email he sent begging the National Cleveland-style Polka Hall of Fame to cease and desist. Let's hope they send the same letter in return. He apparently offered them $50,000, plus more for every tuba they toss into the Ohio River. But he's gotten no reply. "Integrity pops up in the strangest places," Vivian grins. Hey, what's with bashing the Midwest? Ohio never hurt anyone! But I can't say the same for the polka, sadly. Vivian turns and orders her husband to drop his pants. Blessedly, he doesn't, instead babbling that the painkiller must be addling his brain and making him use the internet to express his opinions, particularly the deeply rooted belief that the polka must die. "Well, you didn't come into this world quietly, so there's no reason you should leave that way," Vivian says stupidly. She's hovering over his ass, ostensibly shoving something sharp into it. And to complete the evocation, Cates says, "Nowadays, this is what passes for sex between us." And finally, he dishes one of the lines we've come to love and expect from him: "Our marriage bed has become a sick bed. I miss that thunder." Vivian lies that she does, too. Sad, Cates tells Vivian that she has tough decisions to make about her own future, wondering whether she's thought about another mate and then not pressing the issue when she's pointedly silent. He tells her she shouldn't feel alone in contemplating her options, and she is grateful. "If it could save my life, I wouldn't change one step of this strange trip we've taken together," Cates rambles. "Over you go," she replies, romantically.
Shivering under his blanket, Lou freaks when another knock sounds at the door. He tries to escape it. Ruby's voice coaxes him out from under the blanket, and she's suddenly in the room, dressed in a slinky red gown and sitting in a chair. "There's somebody here who wants to see you," she purrs. Swiveling his head, Lou sees two American Gothic-looking people that Ruby determines are his parents. "We have something to tell you, John-John," his mother intones. "You were adopted, son," Daddy Kanin grins as he starts playing the violin. Ruby leers at Lou knowingly, then uncrosses and recrosses her legs in a blatant Sharon Stone imitation, but fast-forwarded so that nothing's revealed. "How does that make you feel, [Lou]?" she growls. The camera whips around to show us Lou sitting in some kind of electroshock-therapy chair. There's a metal cap on his head, and some kind of netting on his face. He looks like The Bride of Tin Man. Ruby teases him about the John-John nickname, and Lou claims his mother had a Kennedy fetish. I'm not sure why I just recapped that. Ruby fast-forwards over to Lou's chair and tells him she's going to induce a brain seizure. "What if I don't want a seizure?" he whines. Ruby scolds him for acting compulsive and paranoid lately, then fast-forwards her teeth onto his bottom lip. "Hopefully the memory of her will start to fade, and one day, it will be like she never existed," Ruby murmurs lasciviously. He can't figure out her pronoun problem, and she claims she's not Ruby. "I'm your therapist, Mrs. Ludwig." Huh? She ends the scene by turning on the shock machine.
Luke plays pool at the diner, like all young and randy people do in Wolf Lake. Leaning down to make a shot, he notices blood dripping onto the cue ball; Pammy's screams alert him that the blood is coming from his own ear. He has apparently been listening to Steely Dan.
The second commercial break falls here, but the sponsors would prefer not to be named.
Sherman, Donner, and Luke confer in the science classroom, where the former shares a story about fighting in the war and seeing a French comrade die of exposure to mustard gas. Donner is alarmed at the implication that Luke caught a whiff of something that toxic; it would be funny if Luke claimed he'd been sniffing Sophia's bra, but oh well. Sherman cautions that Luke is extremely lucky to be alive. "Someone is shipping toxic poison through Wolf Lake?" snaps Donner, pissed because he only authorized safe passage for harmless, cuddly poison. Luke recalls stuff spilling all over the road, with a slightly sweet smell to it, but he can't recall much else about that night -- except for the fluffy little cartoon Beaver printed on the side of the truck and on its mudflaps. And he's right; I noticed it, too, but chose to ignore it. Bad recapper. Bad. Donner is pleased with this lead.
Ty is lying on his living room floor; Vivian, straddling him, stares down at her lover. "You're burning holes again," he grins. "I'm just studying you," she answers coolly. She admires the gray at his temples, the lines at the corners of his eyes, and the future of the Wolf Lake pack. He asks how sick her husband is. "Very," she says. "What a drag," smirks Ty. She starts to speak, but he sits up and embraces her lightly and tells her not to finish the thought. "At heart, I know you think I'm a thug," he begins. "But you'd be wrong if you thought I didn't have feelings." He claims to be touched that she wants to be with Willard when he dies, free of guilt. She sneers that compassion will make him too soft, then dumps him so she can play fidelity with her dying husband. Ty is...wait for it...annoyed.
Now Lou is curled up on his floor, cast in blue light, still shivering. Then he decides to stand up and show off his shiny chest bearing the contents of yet another vat of Vaseline. That stuff is hard to get off. I should know. I once emptied a jumbo container of it by spreading it all over my friend's bedroom and hardwood floors. But it's not as kinky as it sounds -- I was only four. Ruby creeps in through the window, lunging like a wolf, naked but for underwear. She raises her arms over her head and waves her breasts around, which we see from behind, but at such an angle where the outline of her left breast and its nipple is clearly visible. Note, also, that Lou is shot from the waist up. Ruby sluts that she knows this is what Lou wants, then sashays over to him and says, "We're two of a kind. Look." Turning toward the mirror, we see them side-by-side, her arms crossed to prevent total breast exposure. Then the mirror shatters. The implications seem to be that Lou has wolfy DNA in there somewhere. Bummer. Ruby whirls around and starts making out with Lou, who hesitates when he feels something strange on her back -- something I believe is wolf hair. He feels the tuft, tenses, then figures Ruby is hot enough, and naked enough, for him to make an exception to the No Bestiality rule.
Doggie Diner. Luke sits down at a booth across from Sophia and makes nice, but she's having none of it, too angry at his earlier dismissal to swoon over him now. "You know, there are days when it gets so crazy, I feel like I should grab onto something because I'm just going to spin off the planet," she says. "But you? You are the entire first-class section of Air Psycho." Luke shrugs, because if he opens his mouth, a great big "WHAT THE FUCK" will come out, and that'll hurt his sex quest. Sophia high-horses that she'll accept his clumsy apology and be on her way, but Luke interrupts that he wasn't going to apologize -- rather, he wanted to make sure what he said earlier stayed secret. Sophia hardens, saying that his honesty with her that night felt real, felt like true friendship. "And if [this] is how you treat friends, because you can, because you're other, because you're better, then I pass," she finishes, angrily, bolting from the diner.
Sultry the Singer, who we find out is called Miranda, arrives at the station after being arrested again. Her name is such a cutesy little joke -- she's always being arrested, and the arrest procedure involves being read your Miranda Rights, and...aren't you impressed? Aren't you? Oh, right. You're not watching. She bluffs that she only borrowed the Vapo-Rub to compare prices with another drugstore, but of course, there's only one, so her excuse is thin. Suddenly, Donner's deputy bursts in excitedly, having traced the trucks' origin: Ergo Foods Inc., owned by Eyderdex Chemical. Donner narrows his eyes. He is on the scent.
In a remote cabin, Ty chats with a mustachioed man and a big black dude, both reps from the chemical company. Ty is trying to break their deal, saying one failed shipment and tanker crash tends to be his limit. "My business policy is, when things go south, they tend to stay there," Ty states. That's also his sex policy. Awww, yeah, ladies. Mustache says that the company stands to lose too much, so they refuse to allow this breach of pact. "I don't think so," Ty says. "Nothing personal. It's been fun." Mustache bristles. Heh! I just reread that. It's a bad sign when I'm punning without effort. Mustache insists that his company needs the location, and so he will call the shots. "We're in waste management," he seethes. "We pursue disposal with extreme prejudice, whether in canisters or designer suits. We're #1, and that's why we get to decide when it's been fun." Ty considers this for a second, then smiles too suavely and concedes the point. He leaves. "I like how you handled that," Big says to Mustache. He then disappears to the bathroom to wash his face. Mustache hears howling outside, and since it's so dark and eerie out there, he decides to investigate.
Big heard a piercing shriek, and realizes Mustache is missing. Calling his name over and over, Big realizes his pal is no longer in the cabin, so he opens the front door as well; on the lawn, he sees a slumped body in a pile. WolfCam. Big nudges the body, then recoils in horror just as Ty calls out, "Here. Catch." He tosses Big the severed head of his pal. "I didn't want you to give me head!" Big screams. Or he would have, if Ty hadn't chosen that moment to bear his fangs and pounce. Big's bloodcurdling scream takes us to commercial.
The murder site must not be in Wolf Lake proper, because although Donner is there, he acts like he was summoned by other authorities. He asks a cop on the scene if any Ergo Foods or Eyderdex logos were spotted in the cabin; the cop says no, but the whole place reeked of fried chicken, and the only such restaurant is in Wolf Lake. Ooooh. Donner then gets his hands on a Palm Pilot belonging to one of the victims. Inside his truck, he scans the information and finds a graphic depicting "the old tannery."
Donner, of course, goes to the tannery. Kneeling on the ground, he brushes the dirt away, and two seconds later uncovers a bin labeled "hazardous chemicals." That is the worst excuse for a toxic-waste dump I've ever seen. You could walk across it and kick up enough dirt to expose it. The sheriff then decides to walk inside Ye Olde Tannerie. It's dark inside, and being without a flashlight, Donner decides it's best to shut the door and therefore keep the room a dim, dangerous cavern of doom. WolfCam. Donner explores a green spill on the ground. WolfCam. Growling. Donner fingers his gun. "This looks like the beginning of a bad afternoon," a voice says from the darkness. It's Ty. "Storing hazardous waste on trustee land...that could spell the end of the promising career of a young tycoon like yourself," Donner warns him unthreateningly. Ty counters that, in fact, he'll be a hero when he pays to remove it all. He then admits this is where he wants to build his prison. Nice fiendish plot -- get money for toxic-waste shipments, spend it on removing it all to win the town's respect, then get his prison plan pushed forward. Oooh, that Ty. He is all hotness and smarts. Donner tries flashing around all his newfound knowledge about the dead waste-management men, but Ty just laughs. "Always chasing your tail," he says. Donner snipes that he's sick of Ty acting above-the-law. "What is it about those ungulates that makes you want to put them first?" wonders Ty. "Protect them...marry them..." Donner gets upset; Ty snarls that Donner was dumb to sacrifice everything for that "zoo bitch." Circling Donner, Ty dares the sheriff to shoot him. "I don't need a gun," Ty taunts. "I've got all the power I need right here...Want to beef? Bring it on, but let's put a little hair on it. Find out if the old man can still go native." Donner stands still, not rising to Ty's bait. Not without Blitzen. Ty basically calls him a big girl's blouse and sneers, "No wonder that daughter of yours can't wait to get a hill dude between her legs." Now, it's personal. Donner fires his gun five times, and Ty cringes; slowly, he turns to see five gunshot dents in the wall just centimeters past his ear. Donner tries to be menacing about having one bullet left, but Ty just laughs and says he could pounce and call it self-defense. He strolls away, singing, "You're all alone!"
Doggie Diner. Luke fondles a cue ball at the counter, then rolls it to Sophia, who is hanging out there even though she isn't working, because she can't get enough Formica. Murmuring something about how women are supposedly better pool players than men, Luke gingerly offers to teach her. Sophia looks over to the table, sees Pammy and the Skanks, and wants to decline. But Luke takes her hand, drags her over there and hands her a cue. "Don't be nervous," he says, leaning down to her. "This is how I learned. From friends." Sophia smiles. She's so going to the prom with him.
Lou sits in a tightly formed ball on his bed. Someone raps twice on the door, then enters anyway; it's Donner. He gives a boring speech about how he loved his job because it was noble, but some of the luster has worn off. "I just found out that my, um, decision-making ability is slightly impaired, and I'm thinking maybe I need a second opinion now and then." He blathers that Lou is a hero, according to his record -- two medals of honor and a great record, blah blah risking his life blah hero snore blah brave thwomp. Doesn't this defeat the purpose of Lou being ignorant of Wolf Lake's dark secrets? Damn them, I'm going to tune in week to find out! Lou is silent, which annoys Donner, who desperately repeats the job offer in clearer language. Suspiciously, Lou creeps over to him and pokes the sheriff in the chest to check whether he's an illusion.
Lupine Lounge. Donner is playing the piano, while Sherman sits at the bar and bobs his head along with the jazz music. Lou sits to him and says, "Emeril, let's talk soup." Aw, how cute, they're referencing the other show in the running for First Cancellation of the Season. Lou insists that Sherman spiked the soup, because of all the hallucinations and whatnot. Sherman lets loose a string of dialogue that includes the words "explosive diarrhea," and I check out of the story completely. Basically, he implies that he helped Lou face his demons and get Ruby out of his system. "Just celebrate," he grins. Lou arches a brow.
Miranda realizes it's her turn to sing, and grabs the mic. She's chained to a chair to the piano. Cates and Vivian are enjoying cocktails at a nearby table -- well, I assume they're enjoying them; I didn't ask. He asks her to dance, and she wetly replies that she'd be honored to do so. As they hold each other and sway blissfully, Sophia and Luke peer in from the doorway and smile softly. He reaches for her hand, and they twine fingers. As Cates blathers about getting a new song for the two of them, Vivian rests her head against his shoulder and looks pained at his imminent demise. Miranda's shrill "singing" carries us through to a wide shot of the room, and then we're out, folks.
week, Sophia is put in danger, and Lou and Donner test their fragile new relationship.