In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Let's meet the new millionaires, shall we? Weâve got Cameron and Nina, who clearly have some kind of steamy history over and above having been on Boomtown together. But now they're married to other people. Nina's husband is Peter, played by Luke Perry, whose thing is that he's nice but clueless, and squarer than Dylan McKay's pompadour. Cameron's wife is Beth, played by Sarah Wynter from 24, who annoys me more than ever. Beth's got a mysterious coworker named Sean, and another coworker who's divorcing her husband and has a teenage daughter named Frankie. And then there's also a nurse named Maggie, and also Kimberly, who delivers pizza to the "lotto party" (!?!) at Nina and Peter's house, and a neighbor kid named Damien who runs into Nina at the convenience store where she's buying the lottery tickets. And they all win the $386 million jackpot, because really, the only way for most of these people to be more obnoxious is to suddenly become rich. So then Cameron tries to get back together with Nina while also fielding an ex-student with a paternity claim; Damien gets himself emancipated from his control-freak dad by poaching somebody's Russian mail-order bride; Maggie quits her job to become a health-care philanthropist or something; Kimberly vacates the trailer park via helicopter; and Nina assures Peter and Cameron that she's not going anywhere. Well, thank heaven that's resolved. As for Sean, his shady past makes it a little tricky for him to collect the money in his own name, and he enlists a lawyer named Zoe to receive the money for him so they can split it. And they also have sex. Basically, there's a lot of dancing and celebrating, a lot of weirdly paced exposition, a lot of crap dialogue, and a big honking check. And a recapper who hopes that this show gets better, fast. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Okay, this is where I realized how spoiled I've been in my recapping career and what it's like to cover a show that lacks the ambitions of a Six Feet Under or a Rome or even a 24. And I realized something else while writing this: except for that time I subbed on Gilmore Girls, every show I've ever recapped has people getting eliminated and/or killed every week. I'm going to miss that here.
The title sequence consists of one shot of a bunch of twenties blowing around over a suburb, behind the word "Windfall." It's money literally falling through the wind. If you're feeling a little over your head, don't worry; this is about as oblique as the symbolism gets.
In some seedy urban street, a young man gets thrown out of a slowly moving car. He complains to the driver, who apparently owns a bar where he's been drinking. "Pay your tab, Sean," the driver threatens. "Or time, I don't slow the car down." Oh, no, where's poor Sean going to find the money to pay his tab?
In a suburban McMansion, a tall teenager named Damien is getting yelled at by his burly H!ITG dad for missing his curfew, even though the kid called to say he'd be late. Oh no, how will Damien ever get out from beneath the thumb of his domineering father?
morning, same suburb, different McMansion. There's a teenager named Frankie, whose parents are getting divorced. Which is good, because Mom and Dad clearly hate each other. Frankie clearly hates her life. Oh, no, how will Frankie ever escape this drama?
At a hospital, the charge nurse announces that the full-time nurses are getting an 80-cent per hour raise. One of the nurses makes a "crack" about how now she can afford both milk and a can of tuna. Oh, no, how will Maggie ever be able to afford a decent sense of humor?
Inside another suburban McMansion, this one either done up in "shabby chic" or actually shabby, Peter (played by a fiftysomething Luke Perry, now pompadour-and sideburn-free) is playfully chasing his wife Nina (played by Lana Parilla from Boomtown and Season Four of 24), trying to get their credit card away from her so he can buy booze for the party they're throwing that night. So money's tight for them, but they have plenty of happiness and love. Oh, no, how will they ever be able to reverse that situation?
The camera pans past a sign advertising a Lotto jackpot of $294 million. On the same street, there's a flower shop. Inside the florist's, Cameron (played by notorious show-killer Jason Gedrick, and in this case I wish him godspeed) has come to pick up his wife Beth. Beth is played by Sarah Wynter, who labored so mightily to wreck Season Two of 24. Alas, her show-ruining powers will prove largely superfluous in this case. She's not quite ready to leave work, so she sends Cameron off with some casserole for Peter and Nina's party. In the foreground, Sean -- yes, the same Sean who can't pay his bar tab -- is busy getting some flowers ready for something or other. Maybe it's a peace offering for the grumpy bar owner. Behind his back, Beth tips an urgent glance in his direction, for Cameron's benefit. Picking up the cue, Cameron dutifully invites Sean to the party. Sean says something noncommittal, and Cameron wanders out, mumbling some business about the lottery pot canister from the last party, and who has it. Nobody cares. Beth assures Sean that there'll be a diverse mix of people at the party: "I promise you'll feel comfortable." Sean agrees to go, probably just to shut her up. Keep doing that, Sean.
That night, Cameron wanders into Peter and Nina's packed house. How packed? Well, there are way more than twenty-odd people there, is what I'm saying. Just for future reference. A coffee can is being passed around for people to stick dollar bills into. This is what passes for an excuse for a party? Among adults who are out of college and in some cases have children? No wonder Peter was so keen to supply it with alcohol. Cameron notices Nina sitting on Peter's lap and close-talking him up. He tries to pretend not to care. Or maybe he's just wondering what happened to the shampoo-commercial hair she used to sport as "Special Agent Breck" on 24.
In the kitchen, Nina's just finished paying the pizza delivery lady, Beth's casserole apparently having gone straight to the compost heap. Nina appears to be a generous tipper, which may be part of the reason why she and Peter are poor. Flush with the new cash, the pizza lady -- whose name is Kimberly -- is vulnerable to the sales pitch pressed upon her by Peter and Nina's fakely angelic preteen daughters, who trot up to her holding out the can for the lotto pot. "It only costs a dollar for your dream to come true," says one of the girls, who can't be seven years old and is still embarrassed by that line. Nina encourages Kimberly to toss in a dollar. Kimberly does, failing to leave behind any apparent record that she did so. Which I'm sure won't be important at all later on.
A little later, the coffee can has made it out to the front porch. Beth has arrived by now, and Maggie the nurse is hanging out with Beth's boss at the flower shop, who also happens to be Frankie's mom, Addie. I don't know how Maggie knows any of these people, and it just now occurred to me that I'm supposed to care. Sean wanders up to the house, looking awkward, and Maggie pretty much pops a boner at the sight of him. Ah, so Sean is hot. Noted. This fact escaped me, due to the fact that he shaves with a pair of garden shears and his haircut makes him look like he recently underwent brain surgery. Performed by Steve Martin. Maggie asks Addie why she hasn't introduced them yet. As Beth rushes out to greet Sean before he can change his mind and turn tail, Addie explains to Maggie that Sean is quiet and keeps to himself. But not quiet enough, as we'll see.
Inside the house, Nina hands the kids off to Peter, who breaks the news to her that Cameron and Beth are moving. Addie exposits that they're moving to Ohio or Oklahoma or some "O" state (and the thought of Beth in an "O" state is the last image I want on my mind) because Cameron's getting tenure. You can get tenure by moving? Nina looks just as confused by this news as I am. From across the room, Cameron looks at her guiltily. Seeing the two of them close together like this, one realizes that they look like siblings, which, if they are, good casting. That's the best thing this show has done so far.
Later, Nina's getting someone's coats. Unseen, she overhears Cameron telling some other random guest that he's leaving "at the end of the week," and that Beth will join him "at the end of the month." Wow, that happened fast. Instant tenure. Nina looks devastated. Aw, she's going to miss her brother.
Later still, the party's winding down. Maggie asks who's going to buy the lottery tickets, now that it's after eleven. Cameron volunteers. Beth offers to go with him, but Nina tells her to stick around, and she'll go with Cameron. He waves the can around one last time, asking if anyone wants in who isn't in. Sean pops in a buck, saying "What are the odds, right?" "Not very good," Cameron admits. Wow, he really is a college professor. He reminds Sean to "sign the list." The one Kimberly didn't sign, that is.
It's pouring down rain as Cameron's SUV pulls up to a gas pump at the neighborhood convenience store. If Nina was planning to confront Cameron during their alone time, she's apparently losing her nerve. She's about to hop out to take care of her errands inside the store, but Cameron stops her. "I was gonna tell you about the job," he claims, and says he just found out a few days ago. "Feels like you just got here," she says, and he exposits that it's been two years. As Nina fiddles with her wedding ring, he says that they're out of time, and has to say something: "When we were apart and I met Beth..." Nina points out that they were together when he met Beth. Cameron claims that he was abroad for a year (translation: "We were on a break!") and says that when his dad got sick -- wait, his dad? So are they half-siblings then? Anyway, he says that Beth was there for him. "Okay," Nina says in this awesomely unimpressed way. Cameron finishes, "I love my wife. And I don't expect anything from you. Nothing. But I never loved her the way I do you." Well, I hope not. That would be wrong. Nina, overwhelmed with emotion, fumbles with the door handle and escapes out into the rain. Cameron sits there in his car, thinking, That went well and wondering whether he can fill his gas tank by telekinesis.
Inside the store, Nina gets to the counter and starts fumbling around in her pockets. Damien's also there, carrying a couple of bottles, but when he spots Nina at the register, he realizes his chances of getting out of there with the alcoholic item just dropped. But rather than waiting for her to clear out, he appears to Nina at the checkout counter, just as she's telling the cashier that they have "nearly twenty" players tonight. She backstories to Damien that they do this about once a month. Damien geeks out about playing as a group increasing the odds of winning: "I'm a big fan of statistics," he lies, and asks to get in on the pot. Nina agrees. Damien hands over a bill and purposely drops it, and while the cashier is retrieving it, Damien slips the illicit bottle into his jacket pocket. From Nina's face, it looks like she's about to bust him, but she's really just watching Cameron dreamily through the window. The man must really know how to pump gas. On impulse, Nina asks for one more ticket in addition to the randomly generated ones that have been printing out. The cashier already knows what she's going to say: "December 9, 1971, right?" Nina says it's "a birthday." Damien hands his dollar over to Nina. And we see a close-up of the printout, which reveals that for some reason the jackpot is now $386 million. That should just about cover the price of Cameron's gas.
Cameron is finishing paying the pump when Nina runs back out to his truck, holding a newspaper over her head against the rain. She's about to go past him and get into the car, but he grabs her and kisses her instead. It's kind of hot, if you're into incest. Or maybe these two aren't really siblings after all. Should have known the casting was too good.
Cameron's car pulls up outside Peter and Nina's. It's stopped raining, so either the store is really far away or they made out for a long time. Cameron rushes to catch up with Nina as she walks toward the house, and she asks if they're supposed to break up their marriages now. Cameron says that's not why he said it. Nina's got his number, so to speak; she says that he said it because he's moving and nothing can happen. "So here we are," she grumps. "Like nothing happened." Inside the house, Peter sees them talking, and watches as Nina turns her back on Cameron and heads back inside. From Peter's wordless but worried reaction, "nothing happened" is clearly his best-case scenario to explain what he's seeing. Maybe he just realized that Cameron isn't his brother-in-law, as well.
morning, Nina's going over the bills while some generic morning news show is playing on the TV. The lotto numbers come up, and you'll never guess what they are:4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42. Isn't that fucked up? Too bad Nina didn't play those. Okay, obviously I'm making that up. The numbers are, of course, 12, 9, 19, 7, and 1. Nina's jaw drops open, probably in astonishment that a state lottery jackpot can get up past a third of a billion with only five numbers. Peter cluelessly bumbles in, yammering about how he just fixed their leaky roof with a wad of gum, and she interrupts to tell him. "We won," she says quietly, smiling and holding up the winning ticket.
Cut to Peter running out the front door of his house, hollering like an idiot, followed by Nina. They run around on the lawn, jumping and dancing and carrying on. You'd be amazed at how quickly that gets boring, and how much longer it goes on after that point. "We just won $20 million dollars!" Nina yells at passing traffic. Ironically, the show can't afford to actually show any of the passing traffic on the screen.
Commercials. I turn to my viewing partner and say, "Okay, this show is crap."
When we come back, Peter and Nina are having Cameron and Beth over for a little champagne brunch. Peter says that they have nineteen winners, which comes to "like, twenty million dollars apiece." It's not clear whether the spouses count as separate winners, which, if they didn't each put in a buck, they're idiots. Peter passes out copies of the list of winners, saying that he's got the ticket stashed in a safety deposit box and they should split the list four ways. Beth says something irritating about how they can quit their jobs, and they don't have to move any more: "We can stay here with these millionaires." Cameron tells her that he can't even think right now. I don't know how long they're supposed to have been married, but if it's more than a couple of years, he must have so very many ways to tell her to shut up by now. Nina says that they're short one name: "There's another winner out there somewhere." Everyone's mind is just way too blown by this, and they're not at all irritated by the fact that thanks to Nina's shoddy recordkeeping, they just lost out on a million bucks each.
The mystery winner is of course Kimberly the pizza lady, who's living in across town at the Cliché Acres Trailer Court. Her little boy sure loves his toy helicopter. I'm not mocking, mind you; currently my son's favorite toy is a plastic school bus. Long story. Kimberly also has a sister who's visiting, primarily to tell her that she's working too hard. Kimberly insists that she'll catch up on the rent. KimSis tells her to skip out on the bill and move in with her. That's clearly not Kimberly's style, though; she says that she's never walked out on her responsibilities. "Your responsibility is to your son," KimSis says. "Don't let your pride get in the way of that." The kid keeps playing with his helicopter, oblivious that his mother is considering fulfilling her responsibilities to him by teaching him crime.
At the flower shop, some officious jerk in a suit is haranguing Sean to go deliver some flowers for him. Sean says that he can't leave, what with being the only employee there. Beth rushes in, and apparently this guy is a regular customer, all but buying his apology bouquets for his girlfriend in bulk. Beth writes the note for him as he "confesses," "Apparently I was a jerk to the waiter." No! He adds, "Sometimes you just want to say to a woman, 'This is who I am. Get used to it.'" This last is delivered with a playful punch to Sean's arm. Sean looks like he wants to return the gesture, but with a large metal urn. Beth finishes dashing off the card, which is apparently enough time for the customer to vaporize out of the scene or something, and she tells Sean about the lottery win. Sean looks like he's about to panic. And then we see him on his cell phone outside. We can't hear what he's saying, but then it's not like he has to hoard his minutes or anything.
Maggie's trying to get her crappy old car started, which is kind of sad for her because she's already on the road. Good thing she's stopped at a red light. That's when the call comes in on her cell phone, telling her she's a lottery winner. She practically bounces off the ceiling of her car in excitement. The light turns and cars behind her start honking, so she goes back to cranking the engine. After a few seconds, she looks around and notices the Mercedes-Benz dealership across the street. And then she scoops her CDs up out of the seat and abandons her car where it is. Sure, she can buy a new car, but those CDs? Irreplaceable.
Addie's not taking the news of her winnings any better than Sean did. "I am so screwed," she tells Cameron. "This is a nightmare." Cameron cluelessly tells her that she's rich, and she tries to shush him. But she's too late, because her soon-to-be-ex-husband Eric has come in and heard everything. And he looks pissed. Frankie stumbles into this awkward scene, asking what's going on. Basically, her dad is pissed at her mom for "trying to cheat me out of millions won while we were still married." Addie says that they're getting a divorce, and that Eric was supposed to sign the papers. "I fell asleep," Eric says. "Lucky me." They head out the door, still arguing. Cameron and Frankie are left looking at each other unhappily. Surprisingly, Cameron does not opt to terminate the awkward moment by making out with her.
Sean's delivering a dozen red roses to one Zoe Reida, a hot blonde lawyer whose job would seem a lot more high-powered if her name were painted on the window of her office door in such a way that it wouldn't look backwards from the outside. They banter about football for a moment, and about her jerk boyfriend and the flowers he always sends her that she doesn't like. Sean's on his way out the door as she reads the attached card: "'This is who I am, get used to it'?" Whoa, Sean made a funny. He walks out, smirking, satisfied at having been responsible for the one entertaining moment of this show thus far.
Maggie's finally made it to work at the hospital. The charge nurse or whoever harangues her about discharging some patient whose surgery was denied by her insurance company. Maggie heads over to walk the patient out, and we get a little exposition that Maggie gave her extra pillows and everything, because she cares about her patients. The charge nurse swoops in and says something semi-bitchy, and that's enough to set Maggie off on her big "I quit" speech that everyone has handy for times like this. There's even a bit in there to the effect of how she cares about her patients. Of course, she's smiling as she says all of it, which makes the moment rather lame. And then she calls the charge nurse a "dick" and walks out. Well, what do you expect from a show about lottery-winners if not a little vicarious wish-fulfillment? Less triteness, maybe?
Sean's loitering around in the lobby of Zoe's office building. Good thing he's a lottery winner and doesn't have to get back to his job or anything. Zoe comes out of the elevator and busts him for writing the note, which he cops to, but gets to his real point: "I won the lottery, but I can't collect under my own name... so I was thinking maybe you could. And we could split the money." I think Sean would probably have better luck with that pitch if he put it into an email and sent it to randomly generated addresses.
Commercials. I turn to my viewing partner and say, "It's probably a lot harder for a show to get cancelled in the summer, isn't it?"
For the second act-in in a row, we're back at Peter and Nina's house, but this time all the lottery winners are gathered there. And there's a good fifty or so people there, all happy and excited and working my last nerve. Maggie pulls up in her new Mercedes, and Cameron actually stops in his tracks, a hand to his forehead in cartoon amazement. Shut up, Cameron's hand. Sean's lurking near a tree, looking like he's planning to mug someone, and boy, talk about a target-rich environment. He spots Zoe, who apparently heard about this little gathering on the news and decided to invite herself over. Where all the moochers in town would be during a publicly announced gathering like this, I have no idea. Sean starts to lead her towards the house, saying that they're "getting started," but Zoe balks, saying that she needs to know some stuff first. Before she can start asking questions, Maggie bops over, acting all crushy on Sean, until he introduces Zoe as his girlfriend, saying that she was "not exactly" at the party. That's really the only time anyone questions Zoe's role in all this, which strikes me as odd. Maggie hides her disappointment well, and even refrains from calling Zoe a dick. Instead she heads inside. Sean coaxes Zoe to follow, saying that it's just some kind of informational meeting.
Peter's the one leading it for some reason, instead of some official mucky-muck from the lottery commission. Peter's explaining to the winners gathered in his living room that they need to keep the "other winners'" names secret until they "get their affairs in order." So then they can kill them for a bigger share of the pot. I'm making that last part up. By the way, Nina and Peter have decorated their living room with balloons, as well as streamers with dollar bills hanging from them like it's Thurston Howell III's laundry day. Money can't buy taste, and Peter's out to prove it. He's now giving a speech that the lottery commission is going to publish the winners' names the same day they give them the money, and they should probably get unlisted numbers in the meantime. "Now, about the money," Peter says, to a raucous cheer. He starts in about the choice between taking the money in a lump sum or installments. Which is too boring even for this show, so Sean takes Zoe's hand, prompting Maggie to whisper to Beth, "I thought you said Sean was single." Beth says that she though he was. Maggie cracks that she doesn't like rich guys anyway: "Check it out. Nothing but! It's like we're our own species now!" Call an exterminator. By the way, the question of lump-sum vs. installments will not be revisited this episode, probably because with the potential of bitter disagreement between twenty winners, it might turn into the source of some actual drama.
Afterwards, everyone's milling around on the lawn. Damien wanders out and spots Frankie standing there trying to look forlorn and mysterious. They instantly fall in love, as we can tell by the sudden appearance on the soundtrack of a song that I'd be able to recognize if I didn't change the radio station every time it comes on. They don't talk to each other yet, not that they could hear each other over that racket anyway. Instead, Damien rolls up to his dad and says, "I'm off to go buy a home theater system for my room. Or maybe a football team. Can I pick you up anything?" Dad's been reading the rules, and points out that although Damien can win as a minor, he can't collect. "So until then, if you want to see one dime, you have to go through me." Damien tries to put a brave face on it, saying it's only ten months. "Long time," dad grunts. Yes, to make up for what an ass you've been to your one rich relative, dad. Get cracking.
Kimberly rolls up to her crappy little trailer, and the park manager is there to complain about the tomato plants Kimberly has growing to her trailer. The frumpy neighbor -- who clearly instigated this little shakedown -- bitches, "Your tomatoes aren't fair!" Kimberly heads into her trailer, handing off her grocery bags to her sister and saying, "I'm packing my bags and I'm coming with you."
Out behind the flower shop, Sean is loading up potted plants into the back of a delivery van. Suit Guy shows up, asking what Sean thinks he's up to with his girlfriend. "You don't exist," he provokes, getting right up in Sean's face and blocking his path. Sean tries to get around a couple of times, holding a heavy pot in one hand. "I don't exist? I'm right here." Before the debate can get too much more Cartesian, he head-butts Suit Guy in the face, sending him sprawling on his back. Even Sean looks a little dazed by the blow. "Any time you want to talk again," Sean bravados, putting what I hope is the last plant into the truck. Otherwise the few minutes are going to be a little awkward while he finishes loading up.
Addie is coaching Frankie on how to deal with her dad. There's clearly some kind of joint custody thing going on there, all the better for Frankie to be caught in the middle. Frankie thinks that this is all some bullshit. "Look around, Mom," she says, gesturing at the nice house and all the stuff in it. "We have plenty. Why can't you just share?" Because what fun would that be?
In the scene, my recapping gigs continue to stalk me, this time in the form of the guy who played the Pasqueasel on Six Feet Under. He's got a hairpiece on, and he's sitting at the dinner table with Damien, Damien's family, and a Russian mail-order bride named Galina. Apparently he's an old friend of Damien's dad, and he's smugly going on about what a bargain he's found, not letting her talk even when Damien's mom addresses questions directly to her. Galina's looking depressed and submissive in that smoking-hot yet hollow-eyed way that Russian mail-order brides have, and Damien looks at her sympathetically. Even Damien's parents look uncomfortable at the Pasqueasel's obnoxiousness, but he assures them, "Don't worry. She can understand, like, every sixth word of English."
Later, Galina's in the kitchen doing the dishes. Damien comes in to talk to her, and she seems to understand every word when he says she doesn't have to do this. She says that she doesn't mind (not least of all because back in Russia, dishes do you), but he means that she doesn't have to do the Pasqueasel. "I have a better option for you," he says. Okay, but who doesn't?
Sean opens the door of his apartment to find Zoe standing there. "Did you attack that guy I was dating?" she asks. She doesn't look all that upset about it, which may be why she can't remember the guy's name. Sean invites her in, and a bit later, he's grilling her about why she would date someone like her recently concussed ex anyway. She makes some excuse that it's hard to meet people in her job, and Sean's like, "You've met me." Presumptuous, much? She claims to be scared of him, which he calls bullshit on, what with her being alone in a room with him. "Maybe you like being scared," he says, coming around the counter to get all close-talky. She reminds him that he came to her for help. He admits that he needs it, and she says, "Maybe not the way you think." And then, they start making out. It makes about as much sense on the screen as it does the way you just read it.
Late at night, Cameron knocks on Nina's door, saying that he wants to talk. She throws on a sweater and joins him outside, and then he goes into a pitch that with the money, maybe they can start a life together. He spews some justification bullshit that Beth would be better off with someone who's crazy about her. "What about my marriage?" Nina asks. Cameron brushes this aside, asking whether Nina always plays his birthday. "Just this once," Nina lies. Cameron just wants her to admit that "the money can change everything." Except those statistics about the many marriages that break up among lottery winners. Nina, to my horror, appears to be standing there and giving it serious consideration. Like this guy's such a prize in the first place.
Commercials. I turn to my viewing partner and say, "How low do you think the ratings would be if they just stuck some ER reruns back in this slot?"
Sean and Zoe are having a little post-coital getting-to-know-you conversation. Now we find out how smooth Sean really is, because he's waited until getting the chick in bed before telling her that he went to prison. He claims it was a Fourth-of-July fireworks accident in which a houseboat burned with somebody on board, which is what got him put away. Zoe seems sympathetic, so Sean continues: "I survived it by making the wrong friends and some really bad enemies, who would pounce on him if they found out about his winnings. Zoe nods understandingly, rather than pointing out that instead of paying her ten million dollars to keep his winnings secret, he could buy a whole lot of personal security for less than $9.5 million.
Over at Nina and Peter's, she's doing their laundry, because that's the kind of down-to-earth folks they still are. At least until the check gets cut. In a jeans pocket, she finds a crumpled dollar bill with Kimberly's name and number on it. She tells Peter, "Maybe it's our missing winner." Peter smiles. I would like to point out to Nina that if she were married to Cameron instead, his first reaction would be to vehemently deny ever having met the woman.
The missing winner is busy packing up her car to skip out when the phone rings. The kid answers it in that polite, formal way that kids on TV do, and hands the phone off to his mom. Kimberly's face goes slack as she hears the news, and then the whole family goes into their little celebration dance. Which includes dancing and little synchronized bits, because they are African-Americans on network television and therefore sassy. I'm glad this is the last celebration scene. It is the last one, right?
Frankie's at the convenience store when Damien comes in. She follows him; they introduce themselves. She's all geeky-girly-crushy towards him, and he's kind of sweetly sympathetic when she tells him apropos of nothing that her parents are getting divorced. He sort of wanders past her to the checkout counter, where she remarks about the Corn Nuts he's buying, and their resemblance to teeth. No argument here on the merits of the observation, and these two actors are sweet together, but this writing is kind of making me cringe. Damien says that he has to go, and extracts himself from the scene. But at the door, he stops and tosses her a bag of Corn Nuts. She smiles. Whoa, check out the multimillionaire big spender.
Outside, Damien gets into his car, where Galina is waiting in the shotgun seat (complete with a bit where she thinks he's referring to an actual shotgun). Looks like they're headed to Florida.
Zoe's back at work in her office. The roses are holding up nicely, but her concentration isn't. Her mind keeps wandering back to the sexing she got the night before, as we see from endless flashbacks. She glances at her computer screen with a spreadsheet on it, then alt-tabs over to the internet and types Sean's name into a search engine. I know they didn't have this when I was single, but don't you normally Google people before the sex?
Beth answers the door to a blonde, somewhat dorky-looking chick who's looking for Cameron. She invites her in. Cameron comes in, looking blankly at her. She introduces herself as Elisa, a student of his from last year. He asks what's up, so she reaches into her purse and hands something over. "This is yours," she says, handing over a snapshot of a baby. "The kid, not the photo," Elisa clarifies. Beth's face drops, and Cameron asks if she's for real: "I don't even know you." "Well, it was only memorable for me in one life-altering way," Elisa says. Cameron realized Elisa heard, and tells Beth, "You know what this is about." "No idea," Beth says, who's staring at him in horror. Elisa admits that she heard about the lottery. "Before you won the lottery," she says, "you just should have helped. And now I know you can." Elisa tells them to call the number on the back of the photo when they're ready to cough up some dough: "I know this is very awkward." And Cameron responds that it is for him, too. Well, not as awkward as if she'd brought the kid and he made a stinky. She leaves without another word for anyone. Beth just stares at Cameron some more. Yes, there's the turd-face I remember so well.
Commercials. I turn to my viewing partner and say, "I keep thinking it's Friday. Is that because this seems like a typically shitty Friday night NBC show, or because it seems like we've been watching it since yesterday?"
Back from commercial, Cameron is vehemently denying to Beth that he's ever met the woman in question. See? He says it's all about the money, so she tells him to take a DNA test. Instead of saying that's a swell idea, like an innocent man would, Cameron says, "If you have doubts about me, about us, we should talk about them. Let's finally talk." How unfair of her to doubt him, really. Like he would ever sleep with one of his students. Sure, he might try to get back together with her best friend behind her back, but that's for Beth's own good, after all. Beth isn't in the mood for talking, though. In fact, Sarah Wynter pulls off a nice moment as some part of Beth realizes that the talk Cameron's proposing isn't going to take them anywhere she wants to go. So instead she storms out, telling him to just take the test. Cameron sits there, wondering whether he can get them in bulk.
Sean's once again hanging out in the lobby of Zoe's building, but this time when she comes out of the elevator she's all full of righteous fury. Sean's story doesn't seem to match any of the research she's done today. Sean turns it around on her, saying that even if he told her everything about himself (translation: "I'm not going to"), she wouldn't know anything about him. He says that he's made mistakes, which he's paid for: "Your mistake was not sleeping with me. Your mistake is torturing yourself about it." Well, that should help; I think Zoe just needed a little input from an unbiased third party.
Having failed to convince Beth of his innocence, Cameron is now over at Nina's house trying to convince her. Nina asks Cameron whether he's ever cheated on Beth before. Cameron asks what she means by "before," and she says that she's referring to what's going on between the two of them. Cameron blathers, and somehow Nina lets him get away with not answering the question. Or else she realizes that he's actually answered yes. Instead, she brings up how he went away "before." Cameron says that he's sorry he "met someone." "Someone you married, Cameron" Nina reminds him. "You say you thought about me for years, but you lived your life with her. How does someone do that?" Cameron says you do it day by day and don't think about options, but he leaves out the part about regular doses of co-ed poontang. Then he starts trying to get in her head some more. To Nina's credit, she finally shoots him down. "I can't do this," she says. Good for her. It would be even better if she had done it earlier, and with a taser gun, but she's only human. Besides, she can relive the experience of kissing Cameron any time she wants. All she has to do is make out with a mirror.
You'll never guess what Damien and Galina are doing: they're getting married in a judge's chambers in Florida. They're wearing the same clothes, by the way, so they couldn't have driven from, like, Seattle or anything. As they leave the room, Galina asks Damien whether this makes him "a big boy." Damien says, "Technically, it makes me an emancipated minor." "And I'm a rich wife?" Galina says. Damien says that she is. And then he does a dorky little dance on the steps of the courthouse. No fair, I thought we were done with these celebration scenes.
Having quit her nursing job, Maggie is now reduced to stalking her patients in the real world. The one from earlier is working her waitress job, and I can't believe she gets many tips in what appears to be a totally empty restaurant. Anyway, the waitress is bitter because her insurance company isn't paying for her surgery. So Maggie hands her a check for twenty-five grand. "Is this check good?" the patient asks. Maggie says that it's the best check she's written all week. They hug. How much of a chump is Maggie going to feel like if the chick dies on the operating table?
Nina is chasing the kids around, getting them ready for bath time. But they're distracted by some colorful lights outside. We don't see what it is at first, but from the red and blue reflections on the kitchen wall, it looks like the cops are there. "Daisy! It's so magic!" one of the girls says, and that's 0 for 2 on speaking lines for these anklebiters. Nina peeks outside with her daughters and breathes, "Oh, my God."
Out in the backyard, Peter has set up an entire kiddie amusement park on the lawn. The kids rush out back and hug him, like they wouldn't go right past him and straight to the rides. But then he sets them up on some circling ladybug thing and lets them go. I'm assuming he hired someone to operate the rides as well, but we don't see anyone else. Nina rides the merry-go-round with them. Later, they're watching the kids ride alone, and Nina tells Peter, "This is a dream come true for them." Peter says that's the point of winning the lottery. That and having a lot of scary-ass carnies on your property, of course. I wonder if he slipped them an extra twenty to make sure they used all the bolts when setting up the rides. For Peter, that gives him a chance to shoehorn in one of the show's themes: "If your wildest dream came true, would I be in it?" Nina says it has, and he is. And she kisses him. And wonders how he would look with dark hair and lip implants.
Damien's already back home, and we join his conversation with his dad already in progress. "So where's your Russian bride now?" Dad asks. Damien says that she's on her way back to Moscow, with ten grand, a prenup, and an agreement to divorce in a year. Dad says that it's not that easy: "She's your wife. Do you realize what that means?" "That I get to have sex with an insanely beautiful woman?" Damien cracks. Dad calls Damien a disappointment: "I can't even stand to look at what you've become." Damien looks hurt, but he tells his dad that won't be a problem: "You never have to see my face again." And he's outie. Dad watches him go, thinking, making the face you make when twenty million dollars walks out your front door because you were an asshole. Yeah, haven't we all.
Back at the trailer park, Kimberly knocks on the door of her frumpy neighbor and hands over the tomato plants that were the source of such controversy. "You were right," Kimberly says. "Life isn't really fair." Except she has to bellow over the sound of the helicopter landing in the courtyard to pick her and her family up. Because all trailer parks have helipads, right? On her way to the aircraft, she hands her keys to the landlord (no check, I notice). They all hop in, and they're airborne, on their way back to CTU or whatever. Well, that's a waste of money. Cabs aren't expensive enough for her? Okay, I get that it's a callback to her kid's toy helicopter. I'm just glad that when I win the lottery, all I'm going to have to spring for is a school bus.
There's a reception of some sort at a hotel ballroom for the lottery winners. I don't think anyone's there but the winners, the media, and lottery commission employees. Cameras flash, and there's a big banner that says "State's Largest Lotto Jackpot," although it doesn't say which state it is. Cameron pumps his fist in the air victoriously, if a little embarrassedly.
Out in the hallway, a nervous-looking Zoe presents herself before an also nervous-looking Sean, who looks relieved to see her. She tries to tell him that she can't do it. "I'm a lawyer," she boo-hoos. "It's fraud. I'd be risking everything and tying myself to you forever." He says that he'll just give her the money and she'll never have to see him again. "I don't want your money," she lies, which he correctly observes that if that were the case, she wouldn't be here: "You want money and you want sex and you want somebody to change your life completely without your second-guessing a simple choice...If you want the things that people dream of, you have to take a leap here." He leads her back into the ballroom, where the actual winners are taking the stage. Zoe takes the spot to Cameron, who's pumping his fist in the air some more. Shut up, Cameron's fist. Perhaps you'd like to meet mine. And then he does it again. I begin to wonder if he perhaps doesn't have an open artery in his arm and is holding the wound above his heart so as not to bleed to death before he gets rich.
I notice that the production company behind this show is called Joyful Girl. I hope Ani DiFranco sues them for a whole lot of money. $386.5 million should about do it.