“ We can't see him very well, but he's Ron Silver, so let's assume he looks like a sleazy asshole. (I know Ron has his fans, but I'll always remember him as the man who couldn't even make me believe that Kirstie Alley was hot for him in Veronica's Closet. Kirstie Alley, people. Even Merritt Butrick was able to believably turn on Kirstie Alley.) ”
Props to AuroraBee. It was a funny joke, but I just couldn't figure out how to work it in.
So it seems that Showtime has decided to horn in on HBO's act, bringing us warm dramas that will enlighten us and enrich our lives. Except, because it's Showtime, the producers are contractually obligated to make their movies out of 100% pure cheese. Let's see if the makers of Jack have fulfilled their mandate.
We start off by learning that the movie is rated PG, for adult content. Wait, this is Showtime: where's the nudity? Where's the nudity?
Credits. Between each performer's name, we see some piece of all-American childhood memorabilia sitting lonely and forlorn. Bicycle, lonely and forlorn on the grass. Milk bottles, lonely and forlorn on a railing. Skateboard, lonely and forlorn in the driveway. Birdhouse, lonely and forlorn on a pole. Roller skates, lonely and forlorn in the yard. Football, lonely and forlorn by a tree. Soccer ball, lonely and forlorn to the curb. Baseball, glove, and bat, forlorn -- but not lonely, because, you know, they have each other. Like a happy little family. Of inanimate objects. I'm sensing a theme -- maybe something about being alone, and forlorn. But I'm just spitballin', here.
We open on a lovely suburban street, full of pretty houses and picket fences. According to the title on the screen, it's 1982. To remind us of what a wholesome and innocent time it was, there's a shot of a milkman delivering milk in his little white uniform. In 1982. A milkman. Somehow, I suspect he's delivering some cheese along with that milk. Pan over to the house door, where someone is erecting a basketball hoop on a pole as a blue station wagon pulls into the driveway. We can't quite make anything out, because there are trees and shrubs in the way.
Cut to a view of the same scene, filmed from above. It's almost as though the camera were creepily spying on everything from an upstairs window. Through the branches, we see Stockard Channing get out of the station wagon. We can't see her very well, but it's Stockard Channing, so let's just assume she looks fabulous. She starts asking, rather belligerently, "What are you doing?" Pan over to Ron Silver. Again, we can't see him very well, but he's Ron Silver, so let's assume he looks like a sleazy asshole. (I know Ron has his fans, but I'll always remember him as the man who couldn't even make me believe that Kirstie Alley was hot for him in Veronica's Closet. Kirstie Alley, people. Even Merritt Butrick was able to believably turn on Kirstie Alley.) Ron Silver tells Stockard that he's putting up a basketball hoop "for Jack." "What, today?" "Yes, today. It was the only day Michael was available." As she unloads the groceries from the car, Stockard gives Ron crap about the location of the hoop and tells him to hurry up and leave. She's being kind of pissy, but it's Ron Silver, so I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.
Jack
“ Through this entire speech, Jack is aggressively headbutting the pole that holds up the hoop, until it's knocked about 10 degrees off the vertical. Damn. No wonder the kid is slow. Get him a helmet. ”
Cut to Jack, creepily spying on everything from an upstairs window. We get a Jack voice-over as the bickering downstairs continues. "Do you ever look at your family and wonder who they are? Those are my parents. At least, they used to be."
Cut to Ron Silver carrying a bag of groceries into the kitchen. Everything is yellow and kind of out of focus here. It doesn't become clear until several scenes later, but this is a flashback, shown in Jack-vision. And if Jack sees everything in that yellowish tint, he needs to see a doctor. I think he might be jaundiced. We hear Jack's voice, haltingly: "Are we going to the movies?" In fact, let's just assume for the rest of the movie that everything Jack says, he says haltingly, with all kinds of little pauses in each sentence. The kid needs some assertiveness training. Ron responds, "I have to move some stuff." Jack: "But it's Saturday [pause] and we always [pause] go to the movies on Saturday." Ron walks into the bedroom, where he starts shoving clothes into a trash bag. Ron reenters the kitchen and speaks to Stockard, who has just lit up a cigarette: "Jack wants to go to the movies. I thought I'd drop off this stuff and maybe take him." But that won't fly with Stockard: "You're not taking him anywhere." Ron: "You're acting extreme, [Stockard]." Stockard: "Don't tell me how I'm acting." Jack again asks if they're going to the movies. Ron tells him no, and when Jack asks why, Stockard tells him, "Because I say so." So Jack again points out they always go to the movies on Saturday. You know, we're seeing this scene through Jack's eyes, so it's not like he didn't hear all the dialogue. I think the kid is a little slow. Jack voice-over: "To be honest, I didn't give a damn about the movie, but there was something going on and I didn't know what it was, and I didn't know what to do except act normal." That clinches it -- the kid is slow. Still in flashback, Stockard throws her cigarette butt into the sink and chokes back some tears.
We leave jaundice-cam behind and return to the present (a.k.a. 1982). Jack is still creepily spying on his parents from the upstairs window. Ron hikes up his tool belt and leaves.
It's night. We see a pyjama-clad Jack leave the house and approach the new basketball hoop. V.O.: "It's like you had a hero, and all of a sudden he's gone. When you're a kid and you've got a father who reminds you of Superman [wait, this is still Ron Silver we're talking about, right?], who seems like he can do anything -- a father who's the kind of guy who climbs up on the roof to rescue your dweeby G.I. Joe when it's caught up there in some idiotic experiment -- and then one day he's gone, disappeared into a million different green plastic garbage bags, with no explanations offered, nothing anyone says later makes a bit of difference." Through this entire speech, Jack is aggressively headbutting the pole that holds up the hoop, until it's knocked about 10 degrees off the vertical. Damn. No wonder the kid is slow. Get him a helmet.
Jack
“ Just a couple of months after divorcing Ron Silver, Stockard has a new boytoy. Well, she's fabulous, so I guess it's natural. And it was just Ron Silver, so I guess it wouldn't be too hard to get over him. ”
Morning in Stockard's kitchen. That's a show I'd gladly watch on the Food Network. Stockard's sitting at the kitchen table, drinking some coffee. There's a tall man with salt-and-pepper hair standing over the table, offering Jack "a shot of the green." Green what? Tea? Pesto? Ah, I see, it's wheatgrass juice. So I see this movie is taking place somewhere on the West Coast. Lest you think Stockard and Jack have their own personal waiter, Wheatgrass Man asks Stockard, "So, I was thinking, why don't you stay at my place tonight?" I see -- just a couple of months after divorcing Ron Silver, Stockard has a new boytoy. Well, she's fabulous, so I guess it's natural. And it was just Ron Silver, so I guess it wouldn't be too hard to get over him. She responds to the invitation with a noncommittal "whatever makes you happy." He tells her he's happy to stay at either place; he's just trying to figure out what's going on. After he leaves the room, Jack asks Stockard, "Why don't you just let him move in? He practically lives here already." But Stockard, taking a drag on her cigarette, doesn't want to rush things. As Wheatgrass Man (whose name is Michael) comes back in, Stockard reminds Jack that it's Wednesday, which means dinner with Dad. Oooh, Michael's carrying a tool belt and a toolbox. Sexy.
Jack and Michael are walking out of the house. Jack explains to Michael that when his parents first split up, Jack wasn't allowed to see Ron at all. But then Stockard started to feel guilty, so she instituted "Dinner with Dad" Wednesdays. Apparently, there was a middle stage where she tried to become Jack's replacement father. Michael: "Oh, was that the basketball stuff?" Jack: "She's actually gotten pretty good. It's just kind of weird. Especially the time she tried to take me to the father/son team dinner." Why oh why couldn't they have shown us that? During this conversation, Michael and Jack are getting into Michael's truck. You know, considering that his parents have only been divorced a few months, Jack is awfully friendly with his mom's new fling. Shouldn't he be sullenly resenting him and yelling out things like "you're not my father!"? Instead, Jack asks Michael about Michael's parents. It turns out they've been married for forty-three years.
The corridor of a school. Oh, wait, it's 1982. Wouldn't it be great if this were the Freaks and Geeks high school? Let's all just close our eyes and think about that for a moment. Okay, I'm back. In this high school, we see a group of kids standing around a locker talking about how someone saw a guidance counselor shoplifting a stapler. So I'm going to guess that this is California, and due to Proposition 13, the schools are underfunded and the teachers have to provide their own supplies. Jack opens his locker, and then turns around and sees a gorgeous pouty blonde girl walk past him, as the love theme from Help, I'm Slipping into a Diabetic Coma suddenly bursts forth on the soundtrack. Jack can't stop staring at her. I forgot to mention that she's walking in slow motion, and that she's being trailed by a bevy of beauties. Clearly the alpha girl of the school.