The West Wing S05E09

Mad props to cookee, who got this tape to me on time by paying way more than she should have for priority shipping. Also for cutting the commercials out.

The first thing you need to know is: I know nothing about poker. I know about as much about poker as I do about the no-fly rule, or who won the Stanley Cup last year, or how much a bag of dope goes for these days. Don't email me to try to teach me about poker; better people than you have tried, I can assure you. The only reason I can even summon up a phrase like "no-fly rule" is I read a lot of Sars's stuff, and it's the sort of thing she refers to often. I'm not going to be reporting every card played, so if the poker geeks among you want to critique every game in detail, tape the show the time it's on. Apparently, Bravo runs it a lot. When it comes to colour commentary, my strength is paint chips, not card games.

This show, which I've never seen before, starts with a lot of glitzy, Vegas-y graphics and late-night-talk-show-style music and voice-over. The host is actor Kevin Pollak. I know who he is, but I looked him up on the IMDb and I don't think I've seen even one of his nine hundred films, so I didn't know what to expect. He was, however, not especially funny. Is it just me, or does he remind other people of Jim Belushi? Also, he was wearing a jacket, an open-collar shirt, and a fedora, a look that I think is really played, and for some reason annoys me out of proportion. It's just...doofy. So he blathers and I gather that there are going to be a series of games, with the winners of each competing for an ultimate prize of $250,000 for the charity of the winner's choice -- or maybe $100,000. There's mention of both figures, and it's not at all clear to me how the prizes break down. The person providing blow-by-blow commentary along with Pollak is a poker expert named Phil Gordon. Pollak welcomes Timothy Busfield (Danny Concannon), Allison Janney (C.J. Cregg), Richard Schiff (Toby Ziegler), John Spencer (Leo McGarry), and Martin Sheen (aw, you know who). I'm very sad that Brad Whitford's not a part of this. Don't you think Brad would have brought the troublemaking, rabble-rousing energy this show needed? Richard's in a pale apricot shirt and even paler jacket. Martin's wearing a dark blue V-neck sweater over a light blue shirt. Timothy's wearing a nice-looking very pale greyish-blue shirt made of some very appealing fabric that I want to touch. John's in a slate-blue shirt with a tan jacket. Do I even need to tell you Allison looks fabulous? She's wearing black pants, black high heels, and a black sleeveless top with one of the straps arranged off the shoulder. There are little bits of sparkle in the top, but nothing tacky.

Pollak warns Martin: "If you get bad cards, you cannot invoke some sort of..." He seems at a loss for the word "privilege." Martin knows what he's driving at, though, and is agreeable. Pollak explains the rules of No Limits Texas Hold'em, which is the style of poker they're playing here. A narrator explains the rules: each player gets two "hole" cards face down, and each player bets. Then three community cards, called "the flop," are placed face up on the table; they're common to everybody's hand. I guess everybody bets again, and then another card, called "the turn," is overturned. Then they bet again and another card, called "the river," is overturned. Then they bet again, and players make the best hand they can out of all the cards on the table and their hole cards. If that's not right...well, whatever. We're just here to groove on the stars, not witness world-championship poker-playing. Each player has $10,000 in chips. The narrator says, "Every hand, the first two players will have to make forced bets known as blinds, to start the action and build the pot. At regular intervals, these blinds will increase, making the pot higher and higher throughout the tournament." We are shown chip stacks labelled "small blind" and "big blind." An important thing to know about life: just because you can explain something doesn't mean you understand it. They lost me when they started talking about blinds. There are minimums but no maximums on bets. Players can bet their entire wads if they wish. I'm expecting some reckless betting.

At his little announcer's desk off on the left side of the stage, separated from the playing table, Pollak introduces Phil Gordon. There's some more blather about the rules of the overall competition, but who cares, really? This is the one and only episode we're recapping. Our attention is directed to a little fake living room area decorated in Mid-Century Hipster style with a couch, coffee table, and TV. There's a white light fixture above the couch that kind of looks like three giant rambutans hanging from the ceiling. On the coffee table is a bowl of three big meaningless shiny metallic balls. I like to pretend to myself that they're subliminal reminders of the relationship between pawn shops and gambling. In my defense, I do know that I'm weird that way. Some chick in gold lam halter top, hot pants, and knee-high boots, holding a tray, waves to us. Pollak explains this is the Losers' Lounge, where the losers from each round can gather and talk smack about those still in the game.

Finally, we cut to the playing table, where the five players are holding hands and uttering some noise halfway between praying and ululating and pretending to...I don't know, commune with Gamblor, the dark lord of poker or something. Allison's really into it. They break it up, and Martin claims he felt something -- a vibration. Richard tells him that it was him: "You were vibrating." The dealer -- a woman who is never introduced -- deals the first hand. She's periodically called up to explain or confirm the rules. We often get to see the hole cards as each player looks at them which, as Richard later points out, makes it more intimidating, because everyone watching knows if you folded or didn't when you should have, unlike when you're not playing for an audience, and you can just shove your cards back in the deck when it's over before anyone sees them. First hand: John bets, Richard folds, Martin calls, Allison folds, and Timothy...calls, I guess. I'm really not any clearer on the "calling" than the whole "blinds" thing. We get the flop, and they keep playing, and we've got Narrator Guy standing at the table talking about the game as well as Phil commenting on top of this. I think there are too many hosts, commentators, and whatnot. There's a lot of "check"ing, and I don't know what that's about either. Nobody's got a killer hand, though, from what I can make out. While I'm pondering what the hell is supposedly so fascinating about this game, Martin suddenly wins the pot of $2,900.

We cut to a little segment interviewing Martin about the charity he's playing for, which is the San Carlos Foundation, of which he is Vice-President. There are little graphics like a pair of cards; one has a picture of Martin, and he's a King. I thought that was because he's POTUS, but everybody's a King except Allison, who's a Queen. Martin talks about starting to play poker as a child and how he played when he was working as a caddy at a swanky private country club in Ohio way back in the days when he was still Ramon Estevez. He says he's a long shot: "I have no style when it comes to gambling. I just do it." He cracks up into a wheezy laugh.

Back to the game: Allison goes first and bets $500. Timothy folds, John calls, Richard raises it to $1000, and Martin calls. When the flop's revealed, Timothy makes a pained face at the camera; I guess he should have stayed in. There's a whole bunch more checking and giggling, and frankly, if it made Allison Janney laugh, I would watch a mime pretend to repair circuit boards, because as I have said, she and Gillian Anderson have the best laughs on TV. Except that these days, you get to hear Allison's laugh on The West Wing about as much as you ever got to hear Scully's, and that is just nine kinds of wrong. Remember when The West Wing was funny? Yeah, me too. Good times. Another card, more checking, more laughing. Phil says they're playing their cards and not their opponents, and I guess that's not right. He says it's a "classic no-limit mistake." Another card, another pained face from Timothy, more checking and laughing and joking. I have no idea what the hell is going on, but it's certainly more diverting than most of what I've seen in Season Five. They all show their cards and John and Martin split a pot of four grand.

Cut to John's interview segment; he's playing for Professional Children's School, the high school he attended. (Don't you find it hard to imagine John Spencer as anything other than middle-aged? I do.) He talks about how competitive he is, and how, as a New York stage actor, he and other actors would play poker on Mondays, their day off. He describes himself as an erratic player. There are some shots of John smiling and grinning, which his fans should enjoy. His eyes look very green on my screen; I've been labouring under the notion that they're blue. I should just ask mjforty. John admits to bluffing, but claims he never cheats.

game: Richard's first. He chews his gum vigorously while he decides what to do; he calls. Martin calls, Allison folds. Timothy raises and John folds. Richard and Martin call. Flop. Tim keeps betting; Richard folds. Tim checks, and Martin laughs. Martin is just so adorable. Just as Phil says that the only way Tim can win is to catch a five, that's the card the dealer turns over. The pot is $5200. Timothy bets all in; the pot is $12,600. Allison: "Come on, Martin!" Martin goes all in, too; pot's $19,700. Everyone comments on how nervous Timothy looks, and Martin shows his hand, but Tim's is better, and Martin wins a free trip to the Losers' Lounge. Martin hugs everybody and laughs in his incredibly good-natured way while leaving. He's the antithesis of a sore loser.