Inauguration: Over There

Thursday. Three Days Before Inauguration. Will is in his office working, trying to ignore the insistent bouncing of Toby's ball against the window between their offices. He finally goes into Toby's office asking, "You're not ever worried about the window breaking?" Toby: "During moments of peak frustration. When the Speaker of the House threatened to repeal the Sixteenth Amendment. A couple of Yankee games. And there was the time Congress censured my boss. But it's always held up, that window. That window's a game-day player." Toby wants to talk to Will about what he said to the President. Will recounts his conversation with POTUS. Toby: "Didn't we talk about this? But you gave it a shot anyway?" Will says he wasn't giving it a shot, it was just casual conversation. Toby says the Dow plummets because of casual conversations with the President. He tells Will that he can't get into the President's head this close to something this important: "You've got to keep the train on the tracks." Will apologizes, adding, "But there's a..." Toby says there's no "but" at the end of that sentence: "Not on this one. This one haunts him. It haunts everyone." Good. It should haunt everyone. Will stands up, duly chastised, and says he finished the language. Toby asks how it is. Will: "Bloodless, compromising, and half a loaf." Toby, opening the door and walking to Will's office: "That's foreign policy."

Will sits at his desk and reads from his laptop: "'America stands today as the one truly indispensable nation.'" Oh, God. "'The strongest force and the proudest voice for peace, pluralism and prosperity the world has ever known." Toby: "Okay. Keep the Ancient Romans out of the first ten rows and we're fine." Will continues, "'Today, at the dawn of a new century, America needs a new commitment to protect our own security and model freedom to the world.'" Toby: "To 'model' it?" Will: "I figure if we're not going to create freedom from tyranny, let's at least sell some Barcaloungers." Barcaloungers? Isn't that kind of a dated reference for someone Will's age? Are they even still made? ["Apparently." -- Wing Chun] Toby: "The U.S. doesn't help create freedom from tyranny?" Will: "I forgot to add, 'where our own interests aren't necessarily involved.'" He reads on: "'To do what we can to fulfill humanity's promise and to prove that self-determination is the watchword of all mankind.'" Toby: "'The watchword of all mankind'? I don't even know what that means." Will tells him not to worry; no one else will, either. Toby emits a little sniff of impatience and says, "The speech is good. It's better than good. There's one paragraph that's vague and we're gonna live with it." Will: "Which is more than you can say for the Kundunese." Burn! Toby glares at Will briefly and says he'll be in his office. Will calls, "I heard once -- I don't know if this is true -- I heard once that you convinced the President to let you rewrite a section of the State of the Union with less than twenty-four hours to go. It was the second year and everybody was a Republican, whether they were or not, and people at the DNC had convinced him to include the line, 'The era of big government is over.' And you couldn't live with it. Because government should be a place where people come together and no one gets left behind. An instrument of good. And that's exactly what we heard in the State of the Union the night." Toby looks slightly dumsquizzled: "There were maybe four people in the room when I had that conversation." Will: "Well, if I'd have been one of them, I would have repeated it to everyone I met. Anyway, I'm going to move on to some language in trade and commerce." Toby goes back to his office. Credits.

Friday Night. C.J.'s doing a press briefing about the situation in Kundu. She says that the Arkutu have met with representatives of Ghana, Nigeria, and Zaire. I'm not sure why the Press Secretary is still calling it "Zaire" when its name changed several years ago to the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Wouldn't she know that? Katie disappoints me by not calling her on this. Also, those countries span a fairly large area, and if I'm not mistaken, none of those three even share borders. I'd been picturing Kundu as being near Liberia, or maybe Togo -- somewhere around there, given that Leo described it to Jed as being near the Ivory Coast. Apparently the parties met amicably for three hours, but no progress was made. Steve the Reporter quotes the 1948 UN Convention on Genocide, to which the U.S. is a signatory, which says that if it's determined that genocide is taking place, the U.S. is compelled to intervene. C.J. points out that the Act distinguishes between "genocide" and "acts of genocide." Katie repeats this as a question. Mark wants to know, as do I, how many "acts of genocide" constitute genocide. C.J. doesn't know. Danny asks what the weather forecast is for Sunday. Doesn't he get the weather channel? C.J. replies that it's two below with the wind chill. That would be positively balmy here right now. She calls a full lid.

Danny follows C.J. out into the hall to pester her about the distinction between genocide and acts of genocide. She doesn't know; all she knows is that she got a memo from State to be sure not to call it genocide. Of course: if she did, the U.S. government would have to do something. C.J. tells Danny to close his notebook. Danny says he wants to talk to her about something. She says they're not going to talk about Sharif. He says it's not about Sharif. C.J.: "Okay, then what?" He admits it's a little bit about Sharif. C.J.: "Good day to you, sir." He tries to talk and she says, "I said, 'Good day, sir.'" He follows her as she complains, "Nobody takes me seriously when I say 'Good day, sir.'" He tells her to get into her office. Danny closes the door and tells her he found the pilot. He went to Augsbury Aviation in Bavaria and is survived by his wife Marita and two children. C.J.: "You don't even want to say you were wrong and apologize for your superior attitude lately?" He does, but first he wants to tell her about rifts at the Pentagon: "Jets and the Sharks." He sits down and says he talked to someone there who works in U.S. foreign intelligence activities, and who believes Miles Hutchinson is the Commander-in-Chief. This person told Danny that POTUS had rescinded Executive Orders and . C.J. says he hasn't rescinded any Executive Orders. Danny: "Not publicly. This was an incredibly clumsy attempt on the part of this officer to send a turf message to the President, and obviously he's not a rogue, so I thought I'd give you the heads-up." C.J. says that the President appreciates it, and it's not like it's anything new. She doesn't know who the Jets are and who the Sharks are ("Okay, you're seeing a musical"), but it's Fitzwallace and Hutchinson. Danny says that's pretty much what he's writing. He wants to know whom a researcher can talk to about Pentagon employees who are detailed to the White House. She tells him to get the information from Donna. As he leaves, she asks what those Executive Orders are. Danny: "Making it illegal to assassinate a foreign leader." C.J.'s stunned into silence. Danny: "I told you it was a little bit about Sharif."

Josh is in Toby's office with Will and Toby, giving them feedback on changes to the speech other parties want. C.J. wants references to "mankind" changed to "humankind." Toby agrees. Foreign Relations wants "war" changed to "war and strife." Toby agrees. The OMB wants them to refer to "billions and billions" wasted rather than "tens of billions." Toby nixes that. That's all Josh has. Toby suggests leaving the building. Josh suggests going to a club called Iota in Arlington. No one knows who's playing. Josh asks Will if he wants to go. Will wants to work on the speech, so he goes to his office. Toby tells Josh that Will wants to change U.S. foreign policy. Well, he can take a number. I was here before he was. Josh calls Will back into the office to say, "Listen, the President takes seriously the question of whether or not to risk American blood. He can't just send people someplace." Will says he understands. Toby says that Leadership wants to cut "do what we can to fulfill humanity's promise." Will can't believe it. He sighs with his whole body and says okay, though, asking, "Where does the President's Catholicism distinguish between American blood and other kinds of blood?" Josh says, "It doesn't. The voters do. The voters that you champion and that I can't stand." Will says he's going to put the changes in, and leaves. Josh asks Toby what Will's level of frustration is. That seems like a pretty clunky set-up for a moment already telegraphed in the opening scene, not to mention ruined by the NBC promo gerbils. Toby: "It's high." Josh says he's a temp: "He's that invested..." "Suddenly," something crashes through the window between the two offices, shattering the window into a bazillion pieces. Even though everybody, including my dead uncle's even deader dog saw it coming, the noise wakes me out of my "rah-rah America" stupor. Seems like they really laid it on with the noise effects. Josh: "This has never happened before, has it?" Toby says it hasn't. That seemed like the sort of thing they always try to open the show with. That's where I'd been expecting it. Will appears in the opening and says, "Sorry."

Oval Office. Jed announces, "Charlie, I'm gonna change my mind again on the Bible." Charlie: "Mr. President, you have to imagine my utter surprise." Jed: "Aren't you afraid that one day I'm just gonna kick your ass like it's never been kicked?" Hee. Charlie asks which Bible Jed would prefer. Jed wants the Washington Bible. Then we go into the blah blah again about how the New York Freemasons have it and it can't travel by air or without a phalanx of Freemasons and whatever. This might have been somewhat entertaining if (a) it weren't a rehash of the carving-knife storyline from "Shibboleth," and (b) the outcome hadn't already been established in the first five minutes of the first half of this episode last week.

Jed walks out onto the portico and runs into Leo. Jed wants to know what he saw C.J. smiling about earlier. Leo tells him it's because POTUS didn't rescind two Executive Orders. It's news to Jed. Leo says it was an NSC Presidential Decision Directive, and it's different. Jed gives a slightly dismissive snort and says it's not different. Leo says it is, and that's how he could look her in the eye and say that POTUS didn't do it, which allowed her to look Danny in the eye and say the same thing. Jed: "Well, then, it was a dodged bullet." Leo: "No, sir. We didn't dodge nothing. They hit what they aimed at." Jed's not impressed with this hair-splitting nonsense. Leo says it was a shot across the bow. Jed tells Leo he's being paranoid. Leo tells Jed he's being unbelievably nave. Jed says that he's rubber and Leo's glue...well, I could be making that up. Jed: "You think in your wildest dreams that Hutchinson's running an offense? He's that pissed I asked for a Force Depletion Report, he's gonna show me in Danny's byline I go to Kundu and here's what happened in Bermuda? Hutchinson?" Leo does think that, in his wildest dreams. Personally, I think that Leo's wildest dreams involve Jordan, C.J., Joey Lucas, and a hot tub, but what do I know? Jed sighs heavily. He says that Abby's already gone to bed and he should get up there. Will she be awake or will it be Stunt Lump time? Leo says that the Chief Justice wrote another opinion in verse; Leo wonders if Jed would like to hear it. Jed wouldn't. I wouldn't either, unless it starts out "There once was a lawyer from Nantucket..." Leo read it anyway: "'I say this denial is not fit for trial.'" And if the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit! Who is this Johnnie Cochran wannabe?

Jed arrives in his study, where Abby's asleep in the leather wing chair, her glasses having slipped down her nose. He tries to wake her up by saying her name a couple of times. That doesn't work, so he says, "Abby, the kids are eating sugar!" She wakes up, a little groggy. Jed: "You know I gave the kids candy all the time, right?" Abby: "Behind my back?" Jed says yes. She accuses him of buying their love. Jed: "Well, it was for sale and I wanted it." She tells him to come to bed. He says he's going to stay up for a bit and read and watch the news. Abby tells him, "Tony's grandkids were in there watching a video. It may still be in there. I think he has a...Laurel and Hardy movie." Tony? Who the hell is Tony? This guy? They chat about that without giving any useful clues as to who Tony is. Abby tells Jed again to come to bed soon. He says, "For the record? Frederick the Great told his generals, 'To defend everything is to defend nothing.'" Abby: "And?" Jed says he doesn't really know what that means: "Do you?" Abby doesn't: "But I'm mostly asleep right now and also I don't know what you're talking about." Jed says that makes two of them. Abby wonders who made him crazy, not that someone has to make him that way. He says he'll be in soon. Abby: "You gave the girls candy?" Jed: "I was their dealer. Live with it." Abby tells him again to come to bed as she leaves.

We cut to Iota, where Jill Sobule is singing, "Why are all our heroes so imperfect? Why do they always bring me down?" Josh arrives and tells the waiter, Cynthia, that Donna might call him there. Clearly, Cynthia knows the two of them. Who'd have thought they'd have enough social life to be on a first-name basis with a waiter in a club? Also, what's wrong with his cell phone? Somebody chuck it into some stew again? C.J., sitting at the table with Josh and Toby, suggests a scenario to Toby in which the guy across the street is beating up a pregnant woman: "You don't go over there and try and stop it?" Toby says that if the guy across the street is beating up anybody, he'd like to think he'd go over there and stop it: "But we're not talking about the President going to Asia or the President going to Rwanda or the President going to Qumar. We're talking about the President sending other people's kids to do it." C.J. says that's always what they're talking about: "And in addition to being somebody's kids, they're also soldiers and sailors, and if we're about freedom from tyranny, we should be about freedom from tyranny, and if we're not, we should shut up!" A-freaking-men. Josh: "Yes." To Josh, Toby says, "Back at the office, you were telling Will..." C.J.: "He said that to Will 'cause that's what we say." Toby points out that she wasn't even there. She says that's what they always say. Toby says that on Sunday, Jed's taking an oath to ensure domestic tranquility. C.J.: "And to establish justice and promote the general welfare. Stand by while atrocities are taking place, and you're an accomplice." Toby: "I'm not indifferent to that, but knucklehead self-destruction's never gonna burn itself out. You really want to send your kids across the street into the fire?" C.J.: "Want to? No. Should I? Yes." Toby: "Why? And don't give me a lefty answer." C.J. says that's all she's got. She sighs, pauses, and replies, "'Cause those are somebody's kids, too." Toby doesn't seem pleased with that answer.

POTUS has got his feet up on his desk; he's reading a file marked "President's Eyes Only." Probably the Force Depletion Report. He removes his glasses and rubs his eyes. He decides to turn on the TV. Or more accurately, one of the three small TVs in a row on the wall, above one larger one. He turns on a cable news channel. On the middle TV, he tunes in to a Ron Popeil infomercial. On the last one, he turns on a weather report. He does all this with one remote, which seems pretty impressive for a guy who can't work his office intercom and reached his fifties without knowing what a soap opera is. He turns on the large TV, and it's Laurel and Hardy's 1934 film, Babes in Toyland, also known as The March of the Wooden Soldiers. Jed watches it for a while and then rewinds it a bit. A bit of the film plays in which wooden soldiers march around. Jed's eyes dart back and forth between that screen and the one tuned to cable news, which is showing footage of flesh-and-blood soldiers marching. He picks up the phone to call Leo.

Back at Iota, Josh and Toby are at the table alone. C.J.'s probably gone to kick the ass of that guy across the street. Josh says he's not talking about fighting two wars at once, or about fighting wars at all: "Intervening when there's violence against people who are defenceless..." Toby: "Fine, but if we go here, that means they can go there. And look, there's more injustice over there." Josh: "We elect these people. And not for nothing, but if we'd been the world's policeman in the '30s, you and I..." Toby: "We'd have had a lot more relatives." Josh says that's right, and wonders where the hell Donna is. Toby says, "Leave her alone, she's having a last night with...what's his name?" Josh: "Sparky." No, he says he called her at Jack's and he paged her. Can't leave her alone for a minute, apparently. C.J. comes storming back to the table saying she has to go back to the office. Toby asks what happened. C.J. says that Danny screwed her, and somebody on one of their staffs screwed the rest of them. She hustles out as Josh's and Toby's pagers and phones go off. Charlie's on the phone to Toby, saying he has to come in because of the speech. Jed wants him to bring Will, too. Charlie wants to know whether he should call Will, or whether Toby will. Toby says that Will's never been called by the President's office in the middle of the night, so he thinks he should definitely experience that before he leaves. Josh agrees.

Will's hotel room; the phone on the night table rings. The lamp is on and Will's fallen asleep reading a file. As Will tries to get his glasses on, his cell phone starts ringing. He answers the cell phone and says, "Just a second, please." He scrambles around in bed as his pager starts vibrating on the table. Suddenly someone knocks on the door saying it's the night manager and that there's a phone call for him. Will runs to the door and says "Yeah," and then comes hurtling back across the bed like he's sliding into home plate or something and grabs the other phone. The lamp wavers but he manages not to break anything. He's told there's a call from Charlie Young. He glances at his pager, which indicates a call from POTUS on it. The poor guy's only got two days left; when does the hazing stop? You just know Josh and Toby are somewhere peeing themselves laughing.

C.J. bursts through a pair of doors to run into Danny. She says, "I don't believe this." Danny says, "This is not what happened! Listen to me!" She's not in much of a listening mood. She tells him it was garbage and totally out of left field in his piece, and yells about the "unnamed White House source." Danny says that his editor and researcher dropped it in without his knowledge. C.J.: "And you're okay with that?" Danny, shouting: "How do I sound?" C.J., furious, asks for the name of the researcher. Danny refuses to cough it up. He says the researcher talked to three different people on background, just regarding nuts and bolts. C.J. says that asking about nuts and bolts wouldn't elicit this quote. Danny says the researcher told them what he was writing about, and he doesn't know whom the researcher talked to. C.J. says she sent him to Donna. Danny says he's saying it wasn't necessarily Donna: "I mean, in a million years, do you think that Donna..." C.J. says no, but explains that yesterday, her boyfriend Sparky got reassigned and she was very angry about it. Danny says that sometimes people say things to a researcher thinking they're not on the record. C.J. shouts: "They're not on the record!" Danny: "No." Carol knocks and comes in to tell C.J. Donna's on the phone. Danny leaves with some sheepish shrugs. C.J. takes the call.

Toby and Josh are perched on Charlie's desk waiting. Josh says he thinks it's going to get interesting now. Good, 'cause so far I'm not feeling that engaged. Toby says it will capture their interest. Josh: "It will be written about..." Toby: "In English I would think, as well as..." Josh: "Arabic." Toby: "You can say that two times." Josh sighs. Toby: "I suppose you can't blame Will completely." Will arrives just then. Toby: "This is entirely your fault." Will says that POTUS came to his office. Toby says they could have talked about Europe. Will says it wasn't the subject. They're bickering about that when C.J. comes in and says something's happened: "A White House aide is quoted in tomorrow's Post." Charlie comes out of the Oval Office and says they can go in.

POTUS and Leo are there. Jed states, "We're for freedom of speech everywhere. We're for freedom to worship everywhere. We're for freedom to learn...for everybody. And because in our time, you can build a bomb in your country and bring it to my country, what goes on in your country is very much my business." And vice versa, right? "And so we are for freedom from tyranny, everywhere, whether in the guise of political oppression, Toby, or economic slavery, Josh, or religious fanaticism, C.J. That most fundamental idea cannot be met with merely our support. It has to be met with our strength. Diplomatically, economically, materially. And if Pharaoh still don't free the slaves, then he gets the plagues or my cavalry, whichever gets there first. The USTR will go crazy and say that we're not considering global trade. Committee members will go crazy and say I haven't consulted enough. And the Arab world will just go indiscriminately crazy." Those goddamned Arabs, always going indiscriminately crazy. The lecture continues: "No country has ever had a doctrine of intervention when only yoomanitarian interests were at stake." Maybe that's one of the many things wrong with the world. "That streak's gonna end Sunday at noon. So if you're on board with this, what I need you to do..." Everybody's already grabbed their cell phones and turned in to a little huddle, as Toby gives Will instructions. The hubbub grows. Everybody ignores Jed. Jed and Leo watch with some amusement; Jed turns to Leo and asks quietly, "Do I just keep standing here?" Leo hollers over the noise, "Excuse me!" When he's got their attention, he says, "It is so ordered." The four of them leave to do his bidding. As they go, Will glances back and gives the President a low-key look of approval.

Outside the office, C.J. finishes telling Josh and Toby what happened: "Danny's got a piece out tomorrow on fault lines between the White House and the Pentagon." Josh says Danny writes that story twice a year. She tells them that one of the three people his researcher spoke to was Donna, who provided, unprompted, the following quotation: "Everybody's very loyal to everyone else around here unless you wear a uniform." Yikes. Josh is bumfuzzled. Toby looks down, in that way you do when something's bad and nothing you can say won't make it worse. After a moment, Josh says, "I know it sounds like it was Donna because of the situation with Jack, but there's no way she gives that quote to a reporter." C.J. says Donna didn't think she was on the record. Josh insists that there's no way Donna said that. C.J. says that Donna already called her and said that she did: "Which I give her credit for." Josh: "You do." Toby: "Heat of the moment...bad timing..." Josh: "You think?" He hesitates for a moment, and then says to C.J., "I don't have time for this right now. Neither do you." He walks out.

Jed pours some liquor for himself and a non-alcoholic drink (water? Soda water?) for Leo, as he says, "'Set free the oppressed, break every yoke, clothe the naked, and your light shall break forth like the dawn and the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.'" Leo complains: "Ten minutes ago you promised me you'd go easy on the Moses references." Jed says it's Isaiah. Leo says he frightens people. Jed: "Who?" Leo: "Me." Are you convinced that a guy who knows the Bible as well as Jed clearly does would have so much trouble laying his hands on one? No, I'm not either. Jed replies, "Well, then...here's to swimmin' with bow-legged women." Um, yeah. Skol! They clink glasses. Leo complains that his drink tastes like nothing at all: "It has no taste or properties of any kind." Leo warns Jed that he can expect to see pieces quoting Pentagon sources on how many lives will be lost in Kundu: "And a search-and-rescue group, diving for a lost helicopter prop, is going to find a piece of a Gulfstream." Jed thinks Leo's wrong: "But if you're right, then okay. We should all have a little skin in this." Leo says they've managed that much. Jed: "So we're doing well so far?" Leo gives him a big smile and says, "Sunday noon?" Jed: "Sunday noon." Leo returns to his office.

Motorcade. United States Capitol. Sunday. Inauguration Day. In the back of the Presidential limo, Abby asks Jed, "Because of Laurel and Hardy?" She's wearing a double-breasted, very dark brown or soft black coat, black knee-high boots, and carrying a brown fur muff. Her hair is swept up. She looks pretty good, especially considering how they often style her on this show. Jed: "Not because, no. Not because of Laurel and Hardy. That was simply the confluence of the final, you know, and also, by the way, from the mouths of babes -- like yourself..." Moments like this remind me why he needs a speechwriting team. He continues: "Seriously, from the mouths of babes and clowns come...seriously, there's no reason why anyone needs to know about Laurel and Hardy." Abby: "Sounds like that's going to depend a lot on my general mood." Jed looks out the window and gripes, "'Too cold for a parade.' Buncha tanned-ass Southerners." Abby says that the Inauguration Chairman -- who's from Massachusetts -- made that decision. Jed: "Which is to the south of New Hampshire. Don't tell me geographic stereotypes." She's skeptical that he would have been happy to walk up Pennsylvania Avenue in this cold. He says he walked to school every morning in weather colder than this. Abby: "From the headmaster's house to your classroom." Jed: "That's right, baby. Just a camel hair coat, leather gloves, a varsity scarf, and these wits."

The motorcade continues until it arrives in the underground parking area. Charlie meets Jed, who immediately asks if the Bible's there. Charlie says it's not. Jed complains. Charlie explains the problem is the weather and ice on the tracks and they didn't come in last night because the Inaugural Committee wouldn't pay for the hotel rooms and blah blah blah Biblecakes. Jed rambles on about how Washington didn't bring his own Bible, he just assumed one would be provided, which isn't unreasonable, and so on and so forth. Jed says that Washington had someone get one from across the street. Charlie turns to Larry, Ed, and the rest of the entourage and asks about the chances that the House Library would have a Bible. They mutter that there should be one. Charlie excuses himself and races off. The entourage continues with Jed pedegriping.

Inside, they run into C.J., and then it's a replay of the opening scene from last week's episode up to the point where C.J. asks, "Aren't we about to demonstrate that pretty clearly right now?" They all wander around a corner and off-camera, and we see Toby waiting around in another hallway area, carrying his coat. He watches C.J. lean over and kiss Jed. He sighs. Will comes out of a bathroom with a handkerchief over his mouth, looking kind of grey around the gills. Somebody's been talking to Ralph on the big porcelain phone. Toby casually asks whether Will threw up. He says yes. Toby: "About time." Will: "It was my third time." Toby: "Still." Will goes to take a drink from a fountain. C.J. walks up and tells Toby, "They're yuckling him about the order of the balls." "Yuckling"? Great word. C.J.'s wearing a knee-length coat, pants, and stiletto heels, all in black. She looks great. Toby says nothing. Will joins them. C.J. says, of the music playing in the background, "That's the U.S. Marine Corps Band right there. The Commandant's Own." She says they practice four hours a day. Nobody seems to be in much of a mood to chat with C.J. She tries again: "So you think the Chief Justice has lost his mind?" Toby says he didn't say that. He says quietly, "I said he lost his mind and Leo thinks he's lost his mind." C.J. says Leo's lost his mind. Toby: "Speaking in verse..." C.J. "A literary curse." Oy, don't start. This gets the merest of smiles out of Toby. C.J. gives him a big close-lipped smile, checks her watch, and says, "Five minutes." Josh comes striding along, saying the President doesn't have a Bible. Well, it's not for lack of talking about it, that's for damn sure. Josh says Charlie's on it. Charlie comes running in with one and waves it as he runs past them to take it to Jed.

Inaugural Ball. Music. Dancing. Swimming pools. Movie stars. "Come listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed..." Sorry, I wandered off there. A tuxedoed Toby, making small talk with some women (hmph -- where's Andie? I'm pretty sure they make formal maternity wear), glances up to see Leo grinning at him from across the room. Toby excuses himself and they walk toward each other and exchange a big hug. Leo says that Will did a great job, and that he likes him, but that he had a bad meeting with that guy from Public Affairs: "And people at State are focusing a lot of displeasure on him." Toby says he told Will to have a bad meeting with that guy. Leo knows, and he wants to keep using Will, but he wants Will to work under the radar: "He should work out of his house and deal with us by phone." Toby: "Exactly what I was going to say. Except the part about him working under the radar, in his house on the phone. Leo, I want the President to appoint him Deputy." Leo asks if he's sure. Toby says he can handle the people at State. Leo doesn't care about that; he wants to know that Toby's sure: "You don't mean on an interim basis?" Toby does not. Leo: "What about Sam?" Toby: "A promotion. It's well past time. Make him a Senior Counsellor. Take the knucklehead stuff off his desk the way he did for me for four years." You mean all those crackpots and crackplots Sam's been saddled with for the last year or two? Toby: "Let him concentrate on the President and the country." Leo says he'll advise the President.

Danny makes his way through the dancers toward Josh: "Sorry about the story yesterday." Josh: "It wasn't your fault." Danny asks where Donna is. Josh: "She's sitting in her apartment in a ball gown." That's kinda pathetic. Danny: "Waiting for a ball to come over?" Josh says she doesn't think it's appropriate for her to be here: "I couldn't talk her down." Danny asks how hard he tried. Josh: "I tried hard." Danny says that Donna didn't think she was on the record, and he doesn't know if his editor knew that. Josh says it doesn't matter. Danny starts talking about the rest of the piece, but Josh quickly says he hasn't read it. Danny pulls it out of his pocket. Josh is surprised to learn that he's walking around with a copy of it. Danny: "Well, I think parts of it are pretty good. Hey, when you won a Fulbright Scholarship, you taped the letter to your face." Josh won a Fulbright? The guy who emphasized how hard he had to work in school and told Amy his IQ doesn't break the bank? Josh takes the article and reads, "'Said one White House aide, "We've got a situation...."'" Danny interrupts, saying the point was to read all the other parts. Josh continues, "'...where the White House won't give the DoD an extra ten billion, so they have to go to the Hill and get it. Said the same aide, "Everybody's very loyal around here unless you wear a uniform."'" His voice trails off as he puzzles over something: "'Said the same aide...' I hadn't read the first part of the quote. 'Said the same aide'? I'm going to kill her."

A cab drives along a snowy street full of nice apartment buildings, and stops in front of one. Toby, Josh, Will, Charlie, and Danny pile out. Toby tells the driver to wait because they're only going to be a minute. Josh tells the other guys, "Quick review. It's good cop/bad cop. I'm the good cop; the four of you are the bad cop. Will, who are you?" Will says he's the bad cop. Danny says the same thing. When Josh asks Toby, Toby just tells him to hurry up. Josh: "Charlie, who are you?" Charlie: "I love Zoey and I must have her back." Aw. Also: What? Josh: "The bad cop, that's right."

Josh runs up the steps and rings the bell. Will pleasantly says to Charlie that that's great news about Zoey: "I didn't meet her but I bet she's nice." Charlie replies, "Not really, but my love for her knows no bounds." Danny asks if Charlie's not cold without a coat. Charlie says he took off his coat to show his love for Zoey. Hey, if you want to show us some love out here, take off your shirt. He says he'd take off his shirt, too, but that it's inappropriate with a tuxedo. Danny: "Not if we're at Chippendales." Josh reports that the buzzer isn't working. Toby: "Did you try it?" Josh: "No, I divined it!" He says there's a note that says the buzzer's not working. Will tells him to call her. Josh: "No, I know women. I know what they like." He turns and bellows, "Donna!" Danny says he thinks they might have a whole new story before the night's out. Toby laughs. Josh starts throwing snowballs at Donna's apartment. Pretty soon, pack mentality takes over and they're all doing it. They land a bunch of snowballs square on the window, which makes me think we're going to have at least two broken windows in this episode.

Suddenly Donna comes to the window in a lovely midnight blue gown with an asymmetrical neckline and an unfortunate hairstyle (more about which in a minute) and opens the window, yelling, "What the hell are you doing?" Several snowballs manage to just miss her. Damn. I was hoping she'd get one right in the breadbox and come down loaded for bear. Josh yells at her to come down now. She tells him to keep his voice down. Josh: "Don't even think about telling me where to keep my voice! Get down here!" She says she's coming down. Somebody sticks his head out of a window across the street and tells Josh to keep his voice down. Another guy says the same thing from another window. Why they missed this opportunity to have someone throw a crusty old shoe at Josh's head, I'll never know. Josh says he's sorry to wake them, and that it's a special situation: "I'm the good cop." Toby pretends to call The National Enquirer.

Donna emerges without a coat on -- because she's just that smart, I guess -- and tells Josh, as he runs over to her and puts his coat on her, that he needs to keep his voice down. Her hair is its usual stick-straight self on the upper half; the lower half is a stiffly separated mess of big ringlets that is neither appealing nor flattering. It might look slightly better if some of it were pulled back, but not much. Since Stockard Channing looks good all through this episode, I guess Janel Moloney pulled the short straw this time. It's like the hair and makeup and wardrobe people simply find it too much to get Channing, Moloney, and Janney all looking great in the same episode. It's not like the raw material isn't there. What gives? It's to Moloney's credit that she looks reasonably pretty despite the misguided 'do. Donna sighs and tells Josh to go ahead and give it all to her again; he's entitled. Josh says she had absolutely no way of knowing that the White House rejected $10 billion for the DoD: "Jack said it." Donna makes excuses for Jack, saying he was working a lot of nights and he was worn out and he didn't think he was on the record. Josh: "He's letting you take the credit for this?" Donna: "Listen, this guy's got an important career ahead of him." Excuse me? What was she doing up there in her apartment, reading a dog-eared copy of The Total Woman? The Rules? Sheesh. I'm taking that backbone I bought her right back to the store. It's clearly defective. Also: less impressed with Sparky's stones than ever. Sack up, buddy, and take your lumps. Josh, to his everlasting credit: "Your career isn't important? What was the point of anyone claiming..." He stops short, thinking for a moment. "You knew it was easy to figure out it was him." Donna: "Not as easy as you made it. I didn't think about the top of the quote..." Josh: "The list of things you didn't think about, including your job, what the President thinks about you..." Donna: "Does he know about this?" Josh says he's about to. Donna stands there all deer-caught-in-the-headlights, saying nothing.

Josh stops and stares at her for a few moments and finally says, "You look amazing." She smiles and then leans a little to her right to greet Josh's posse: "Hi, guys!" They call out, "Hi, Donna!" My God, this is so high-school. What an irritating waste of the stunning chemistry between Brad Whitford and Janel Moloney. These two could be having a great, sophisticated relationship but we've been bogged down -- for four years now, mind you -- in grade-school games and nonsense. I'm weary, people. It's not cute anymore, if it ever was. Donna tells them that she's sorry about all this. Toby tells her not to worry about it. Danny: "It was stupid, but it was menschy." Josh turns around saying, "Hey, hey, hey: good cop/bad cop." Danny: "Sorry! It was just stupid." Donna tells Will that he and Toby wrote maybe the greatest speech she's ever heard. Will thanks her. Josh: "We're going to a ball." Donna, flirtatiously: "Balls are fun." Josh: "We're actually going to eight balls." Donna: "Eight times the fun." Josh: "I was the one who actually hit the window. The rest of them went to school on my throw." Then he adds: "Do you want to see the keen frog I caught down by the creek?" I could be hallucinating that last part. Donna smiles. Toby yells, "Let's go!" Josh offers Donna his arm. As they approach the car, Donna asks Charlie how he's doing. Charlie says he's going to win Zoey's heart from Frenchie: "'Cause he may be good-looking and rich and well-schooled and French royalty, you know, and live basically in a castle, but...Oh, God." He gets into the cab as Toby says, "This is what I've been telling you. Get in the car." I think Toby owes it to Charlie to organize Team Charlie. Donna turns to Josh and says, "I'm sorry. Seriously, I've never lied to you before, boss, and it won't happen again." Oh, just kiss already, for the love of God. My forehead is tired of being slapped. Josh: "You're going to have to sit on somebody's lap." Donna, softly: "Okay." I hope she picks Charlie. Zoey may be too addled to know it, but he's got it going on.

Leo and C.J. are getting a drink at the ball. C.J. advises him to expect increased voices of dissent after today, in both breadth and depth. C.J.'s wearing a very bright orangey-red sleeveless gown with a very open neckline and stole. The ends of her hair are flipped up and out a bit. I like it. I think it's cute, maybe even sassy, but I know some people didn't care for it. Leo quotes, "'A ship in the harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.'" C.J. thinks it's doubtful that Danny's inquiries about Sharif would have gone further if he didn't have new sources at the Pentagon. Leo: "So what?" He's awfully cocky. C.J.: "Really?" Leo pulls her aside a bit to tell her what the Decision Directives say: "That diplomats and leaders aren't immune from being targets when they're connected to terrorist activities that threaten the U.S. or its citizens. I don't think it's an unusual directive." C.J.: "That it was given hours before Sharif's plane disappeared...Just a reminder: The more I know, the more I can help you. And don't be concerned with my exposure. I'm not your daughter. I'm the White House Press Secretary." Charlie comes over to tell them the President wants to see both of them.

The President, followed by Charlie, comes into a room where Abby, Leo, Toby, C.J., Josh, Donna, and Will are waiting for him. He kisses Abby, who looks lovely in a dark red gown, with the notable exception of a big gaudy brooch on her shoulder that apparently belonged to Jackie Kennedy. (The brooch, not the shoulder. Don't make me come over there.) Jed asks Toby if everything's all right. Toby: "Yes, sir." Jed begins: "They're saying I'm rewriting the Constitution on the back of a napkin. They're saying on Fox that a guy who couldn't run a local sheriff's department wants to send troops around the world. They're saying it's liberalism with a grenade launcher. But they're not saying it was badly written, so that's something." Will beams. Jed: "And they sure as hell know I was serious, so that's something else. Congratulations, folks, we've got ourselves a doctrine." Everyone applauds.

Jed goes on to mention that Will is the youngest son of Tom Bailey: "Who's the only guy in the world with a better title than mine. He was Supreme Commander, NATO Allied Forces, Europe." Jed says that if he knew they were going to do this, he would have asked Will to invite his father. Will says that Jed got quite a response from Bailey Sr. watching on TV: "I think he's going to re-enlist." Jed: "Actually, I meant that I wish he could be here now when I tell you that Toby's asked me to commission you as his deputy." There's a lot of "I'm sorry, sir?" and repetition back and forth as Will struggles to grasp what he's being told. Toby looks irritated; Leo drops his head in disbelief. Will continues the "no comprende" routine until Leo gripes, "Good God, boy." Josh pipes up helpfully, saying that when he was named deputy, there was this dull buzzing or humming in his head that was very disorienting. C.J. says the same thing. Josh pats Will on the back, telling him to hang in there: "You're doing great." I think Will might need to chat with Ralph just one more time. Donna whispers to Josh, "That was a nice story about the buzzing." Josh: "Hey, what did I say about speaking to me without addressing me as 'Wild Thing'?"

Jed beckons Will over and says that Sam's going to be promoted to Senior Counsellor if he loses the 47th. Will: "I don't know what to say..." Jed, in standup mode: "That's what you want to hear from your new Communications Deputy?" Will quickly says that he accepts. Jed says there's a promise he asks all his staff to make, and he quotes Margaret Mead: "'Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful and committed citizens can change the world.' Do you know why?" Will: "'It's the only thing that ever has.'" I love that quotation. I had it up in huge letters over my desk for years. Jed launches into the official designation of Will to the post of Deputy White House Director of Communications and Special Assistant to the President. Jed reads from a proclamation all done in schmancy calligraphy in a leather folder (or maybe it's vinyl...hey, things are tough all over), which he then signs and affixes with an official seal. He hands Will the folder and shakes his hand. Will beams. Jed leads the applause and Will shakes hands all around the room.

Jed continues: "It's easy to watch the news and think of Kundunese as either hapless victims or crazed butchers, and it turns out that's not true." Hmm. I wonder if that might apply to any other political, ethnic, or religious groups? Nah. Jed says he got an intelligence summary this afternoon, and reads: "'Mothers are standing in front of tanks.' And we're going to go get their backs." Abby looks teary and proud. Jed says that an hour ago, he ordered Fitz to UCOMM deploy a brigade of the 82nd Airborne, the 101st Air Assault, and a Marine Expeditionary Unit to Kundu to stop the violence: "The 101st are the Screaming Eagles. The Marines are with the 22nd MEU, trained at Camp Lejeune...some of them very recently. I'm sorry, everyone, but this is a work night." Abby looks teary and brave. Jed takes Abby by the hand and walks out, followed by everyone else. Will hangs back, still absorbing all that's happened to him. Leo, waiting at the door once everyone's left, reminds Will, "That's you, too." And we officially have a new Fab Four. It's Fab Four 2: Electric Boogaloo!