The Black Vera Wang

Previously: C.J. publicly criticized Saudi Arabia's treatment of women and, following some threatening emails, was assigned protection by Secret Service Special Agent Simon Donovan; Leo fretted about Iran getting the bomb; Simon and C.J. were pushed headlong into the verbal feints and parries that are part of any potential Sorkin-written courtship; Deborah painted her living room the wrong color. I understand what she's going through. This one time, I bought a Thomas Kinkade painting at Deck the Walls, of a cottage in the woods in a thunderstorm. But when I brought it home, I realized that it completely clashed with the black-light poster of a winged demon playing the electric guitar that I had bought at Spencer's. I knew I should have gotten the painting of the lighthouse on the cliff in a thunderstorm instead. And I won't even get into the issue of the plasma globe-light.

We open the episode with the presidential motorcade arriving back at the White House. They're returning from their meeting in Helsinki with the Russian leaders. Sam trudges in and steps right into pedeconference mode with Ginger and Bonnie. Ginger exposits that the meeting was a success, though we get no clarification as to what that might mean, given the prominence of that plotline in the last episode. Sam brought them back some presents: for Ginger, a collectible plate featuring a moose; for Bonnie, a hat with a moose on it. Bonnie teases him gently for getting them presents from the motel gift shop. Ginger asks what kind of food they eat in Helsinki. It's moose! Moose for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Moose! Moose! Moose! It's a word that is automatically funny, so it gets worked into the script as much as possible. Sam says that he didn't eat any moose, because "[he doesn't] like eating things where the cartoon character can talk, and, you know, hatch a plan." Considering how prominent farm animals are in cartoons, maybe he should become a vegetarian. Sam tells Ginger that he's going home to bed after he checks his mail and messages. Ginger gives him his messages, along with a videotape that arrived anonymously, addressed to him. And White House Security allowed this to be delivered because why? Sam and Ginger speculate whether or not the tape has porn on it. In a bit of lip service to angry feminist strawperson plots, Sam asks Ginger if she's offended that he brought up porn. She says she's not offended and jokes that she hopes that it's porn, too. Sam heads into his office with the tape.

Elsewhere, C.J. heads into her office while giving Special Agent Simon Donovan a firm "No!" like he's a dog who piddled on the carpet. C.J. insists that she's driving herself home and complains about Simon annoying her for the past six days with his strong and silent presence, calling her "Ma'am" and "Ms. Cregg." She wants him to stop because "this isn't a Western." No, apparently this is a madcap '50s romantic comedy. Simon insists that he's required to use such formalities when speaking to her. I had no idea Miss Manners worked for the Treasury. C.J. rants further: "I'm getting in my baby blue '65 Mustang convertible, and I'm going to feel the wind in my hair and anyplace else I want. You can look at my taillights." Simon: "I think I'm not allowed to do that either." Gah. They're getting TMI all over the place. C.J. says she'll see him at home, and stalks off. Simon says "okay," and just stands there in her office. After a few moments, C.J. comes back to find out what the punch line of this scene is. She knows that Simon isn't just going to let her wander off. She's right. Simon holds up a hand to show that he's got one of her spark plugs. He also removed her battery. And her fuel pump. And various other vehicular internal organs, thus thwarting her from driving home, and also from chasing after the von Trapps. She asks if there's anything left to her car. Simon jokes that he left her some wiper fluid, but then realizes that she can't even use that without the battery. Just kiss already.

Sam interrupts C.J. and Simon's "witty" "repartee" to show C.J. what's on the anonymous tape. It's an opposition ad attacking POTUS. He pops it into her office VCR and plays it. An image of the White House pops up on the television as a sinister male voice says, "Honor, morality, truth. Values we deserve in America's house." The image of the White House rips in half (with an accompanying sound effect), and a picture of Bartlet looking stern and unpleasant appears onscreen. The voice says, "Throwing mud to cover up his failure. Refusing to sign a clean campaign pledge, so he won't have to defend his broken promises." Headlines about cover-ups and dirty campaigning appear and disappear at appropriate points. Bartlet's face expands so that his eyes fill up the whole screen. The man says, "Jed Bartlet: What's he hiding from us now?" C.J. asks who sent Sam the video. Sam doesn't know.

Credits. Those of you concerned about my misspelling names and locations mentioned in the show (and I know there's a precedent) will be happy to read that I got my closed captioning working properly. Actually, I didn't do anything. It just started working by itself. Normally, when I try to use captioning, it insists that people are saying things like "G%rc@$" and "]]]]]]]7]," and I'm pretty certain dialogue like that doesn't appear on any show, except perhaps for Roswell. But I just flipped it on and now it's working fine. Strange.

We return from commercials to the start of a brand-new day. Josh and Donna arrive from separate hallways and greet each other. They banter playfully about how much Donna missed Josh. Just kiss already. She asks whether he brought her back a present. He did. It's sitting on his desk. She walks in to see a wooden box, about the size of a small suitcase, on his desk. She expresses gratitude that he didn't get her anything moose-related, then asks what's inside. It's moose, of course. He says it's "sauna-smoked moose meat," which sounds like a fancy way of saying that it's a case of moose-flavored Slim Jims. Josh blathers on about the quality of the box to draw attention away from the fact that it's full of dried Bullwinkle. Actually, it turns out later that it's moose sausage, but calling it "moose jerky" is funnier because of the "j" and "k," so we'll just pretend. Donna is at least polite enough not to say anything mean, though she looks at the box with distaste. Josh asks her where he's supposed to be right now, so she sends him off to a meeting in the basement.

In the basement office, C.J., Toby, and Sam are watching the attack ad with Bruno. Long time, no see, Bruno. What's with the hair? Have you been working as a televangelist in your spare time? Bruno says, "If I wanted to sink the Bartlet campaign, this is exactly the ad I'd run." Really? I think there are quite a few problems with it. First is the obvious irony of running an attack ad accusing Bartlet of refusing to sign a clean campaign pledge. And if this is an ad alluding to Bartlet's MS, as Bruno claims it is, then why is it accusing Bartlet of breaking promises? Did he promise not to get a disease? You'd think they'd be more direct about pointing out Bartlet's deception and questioning his fitness to lead. Well, I'm no political operative, so fine. Toby asks whether they'll be running the ad in May. Bruno suggests that perhaps the GOP has sent them the ad to warn them all what will run if they attack Ritchie. He says that every campaign has an advertisement like that in reserve if they need it. C.J. says that they didn't when Bartlet ran for president, but Sam and Toby both blurt out together that they actually did.

Josh arrives at the meeting as Toby asks whether they should make up a counter-ad. Bruno says he'll take care of that. Josh has already seen the ad, and says he's going to talk to counsel about it. Bruno questions whether getting the FBI involved is a good idea. Josh explains that if the tape was obtained illegally, he doesn't want Sam getting in trouble by extension. After some discussion, Sam says that perhaps it's not a good idea to go to law enforcement. He's afraid that it would end up looking like the administration is asking the FBI to investigate Ritchie. Everyone agrees. Bruno suggests sticking it in a drawer and forgetting it. Sam doesn't want to do that, either. He suggests going to one Kevin Kahn. Everybody immediately dismisses the idea. Sam insists that Kevin is a friend. Bruno says he doesn't care if Kevin "did [Sam's] bris" -- he doesn't trust Kevin, and he doesn't know exactly what's going on yet. Sam doesn't see where there's any danger. He says he can tell Kevin that if the GOP sent the ad to them on purpose, then Sam can tell them that they've got their own attack ad prepared. If it turns out that it was a genuine leak, he can warn the Republicans and tell them that they don't want to have anything to do with it. Sam doesn't see how this could end badly. Bruno responds, "There are only two things here. Either somebody's trying to hurt us, or somebody's trying to help us. Just so you know." Well, that illuminates nothing. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that he's saying that if somebody's trying to help them, then they should just keep this information to themselves and not make any waves. If somebody's trying to hurt them, then whoever is responsible is already prepared to take advantage of however the administration responds. That seems to make the most sense. In retrospect, of course. It meant nothing the first time I watched the episode. Sam asks Bruno to talk to Leo, and Bruno agrees. Toby has to run off to some other meeting. Bruno tells him to "apologize for the skyboxes." Toby insists that they weren't that bad, but Bruno disagrees. As Toby's leaving, Bruno banters with C.J. about Helsinki. C.J. says she accidentally ate a moose. Bruno's expression says, "How exactly does one accidentally eat a moose?" as he turns his attentions back to the attack ad.

Toby heads back up to the offices and meets with three men and a woman, who are waiting for him in a conference room. You know they're television executives of some sort because Toby opens by suggesting they consider a new awards show where, as soon as the winner's name is called, the four losers are dropped through trap doors under their seats. He thinks that would be good television. I don't know. I think the losers' valiant attempts not to look bitter contain plenty of entertainment value. Toby does what Bruno asked, and apologizes for the skyboxes, promising better arrangements time. FYI, they're talking about the Democratic National Convention, which becomes clear as they're chatting. The executives ask questions about getting access to important staffers for interviews and other boring details. Eventually, one executive -- who is balding and a bit wizened and doesn't look like anybody more famous so I can't think of a nickname for him -- asks him about programming. Toby whines about calling it "programming," then explains what he has planned for their big dog-and-pony show: "real" people reading planks from the party's platform (no robots at this convention!); the Harlem Boys' Choir singing the national anthem; and several panels about medical issues. The network executive looks bored, and interrupts to tell Toby that they're all thinking of cutting back coverage. Toby points out that they only covered the conventions for two hours a night last year, and wonders how much further they can cut back. The executive says, "One hour." Toby laughs, thinking it's ridiculous for them only to cover the convention for one hour per evening. But he's got it wrong. The executive is suggesting one hour of coverage, period. Just the acceptance speeches. Toby says, "One of these times, you guys are going to come in here and say that, and it's going to be true." The executive endeavors to look like this is that time.

Elsewhere, POTUS and Leo are pedeconferencing their way toward the situation room. Jed is talking about some sort of theater event for Catholic charities to which he's dragging Leo, apparently against Leo's will. It's a special production of all of the Shakespeare plays about all the King Henrys involved in the War of the Roses. I'd have to be dragged to something like that, too. Sorry. Leo whines about having to go. POTUS responds, "You know why? Because the Royal National Company's got all the King Henrys up there, and I'm still number one at the box office." Jed's barely been onscreen for a minute, and I already don't know what he's talking about. He really is turning into an intellectual version of Ronald Reagan, responding to everybody's comments and questions with a quip or an anecdote that has only the most tangential relationship to the subject at hand, if any. Leo drolly observes, "I love my job when you're like this." Nonsensical? If you say so. Jed asks Leo which Plantagenet Jed reminds Leo of, but fortunately they arrive at the situation room before Leo can answer and I'm put in the situation where I have to actually do any research about it. If this were a more interesting conversation, I might have bothered, but it's not worth it.

POTUS and Leo enter and greet the all the military leaders as they get down to business. Fitzwallace doesn't mince words, because that's just how he is: "Mr. President, we have reason to believe there will be an attack on a U.S. military installation sometime in the forty-eight hours." He uses the phrase "credible threat," a phrase which I fear has been used too frequently and easily in the real world and is losing its meaning. And that's bad, because you don't want the public to be going, "Whatever," when the government warns them of a potential attack. Anyway, the NSA has been monitoring a terrorist cell in Syria. Another military leader says that Fitzwallace's intelligence matches information they've gathered from sources in Kazakhstan, and from a prisoner in Chechnya. Leo asks which targets are the most vulnerable. Fitzwallace lists a Navy fleet in Bahrain, an Air Force base in Kuwait, an Air Force base in Incirlik, and Seeb North Air Base. A couple of unidentified military leaders suggest some appropriate defensive measures. Jed orders them to do so, and tells them he wants an update every thirty minutes for the forty-eight hours, regardless of whether there's anything new to report. He and Leo leave stone-faced, though I'm sure Leo is glad that something important has distracted Jed from his babbling.

Every time I see Harry Hamlin in the commercials for the L.A. Law reunion movie, I start giggling. To find out why, you'll have to read my upcoming Mondo Extra recap of it.

We return from commercials to Toby's meeting. After rudely telling one of the executives not to eat the fruit from an appetizer tray sitting in the middle of the table (why the hell is it there, then?), he says he realizes this is a negotiation and asks what it is they want. Toby snarks about Survivor, suggesting that the executives want him to vote out a member of the rules committee every night or have the Secretary eat a jellyfish. Actually, if they suggested that the HUD Secretary eat a jellyfish, I think Toby might get on board with it. The balding executive says, "You know what, sir? Don't talk to me like I'm other people," which some eagle-eyed posters have mentioned is a line Abby has used in the past. He continues that these executives (they're all news directors, by the way) are in a constant battle with their own networks to let them cover the news. He continues to explain that the names of the candidates on both sides are pretty much a done deal. For those of you who care, the vice-presidential candidate for the Republicans will be some guy named Jeff Heston. The balding executive adds, "Will there be anything of any force or consequence in the platform? No. Will there be a floor fight over it? What does it matter? And you're getting huffed because the four of us are questioning the wisdom of presenting a four-day infomercial in prime time, under network news simulcast?" He concludes that they'll show the acceptance speeches. "And the balloons. The balloons aren't news, but they're nice television." I hate 95% of network news with a passion, but I'm on the news director's side here. I've watched coverage of the party conventions like a dutiful American and don't recall anything of consequence ever being said at any of them in my entire life. All I can really remember is Ann Richards once saying that Bush Sr. was born with a "silver foot in his mouth," and Pat Buchanan's venomous speech at a Republican convention, which likely cost the party a chunk of its moderates. That almost sounds like a good reason to keep televising them.

Tuesday. C.J. comes into her office. Simon's already there, waiting to take over from one of the other secret service agents on her detail. C.J.'s code name is still "Flamingo," and she still hates it. It is a bit humiliating. She informs Simon that she's going to be shopping during lunch. Simon needs to know where so that he can contact the store manager and let him or her know that he'll be coming there armed. C.J. explains that she's taking her niece, Hogan, shopping and buying her a dress for her junior prom. She then expresses surprise when Simon says nothing about Hogan being a strange name for a girl. Simon responds that it's a strange name for a boy, too. It would be perfect for a police detective or a spy on a soap opera, though. C.J. explains that her older brothers are "golf crazies." Well, I'm sure that would make sense if I knew anything about golf other than some basic terminology. Maybe they should have named her "Birdie"?

Hogan continues to look over the dresses, but then asks Simon what it is he's looking for. Simon responds, "You know it when you see it." Hogan asks for clarification. Simon checks to make sure there's nothing going on with C.J., then walks over toward Hogan and directs her to the central stairwell area. He stands behind her and sort of turns her so that she gets a brief glimpse of the other sections of the store on this particular floor. When he's done, he asks her what she saw. All she can remember is a mother with some kids, a man in a coat, and a checkout counter at which some people are waiting. Simon mentions the man in the coat, and asks Hogan why he would be wearing a coat while out shopping in May. Hogan says she doesn't know. Simon says he doesn't know either, so as long as they're in the store, he's going to be keeping track of that man. He heads back into position. He looks over to the dressing room, which has those half doors you can see underneath. We get to stare at C.J.'s legs for a few seconds, just in case all that discussion about surveillance made you forget that this is also intended to be a romantic subplot.

Hogan goes back to looking through dresses, but eventually asks Simon, "What would it take for you to brandish your weapon?" Simon says, "Excuse me?" Hogan: "What would it take right now to reach in and brandish your weapon?" Simon responds, "Listen, girlie, I'm not Roman Polanski or Woody Allen or any other borderline-pedophile creepy director, so you can go Lolita yourself somewhere else." Actually, Simon responds, "Something pretty extraordinary." Oh, man, did you get that? It would take something "extraordinary" to make him "brandish" his "weapon." I'm surprised C.J. didn't bounce out of the dressing room right then and there to exclaim, "Doesn't this dress look extraordinary?" Hogan asks him how he ended up as a Secret Service agent. He exposits that he went to college on a military scholarship, so he served in the armed forces for a few years. Then he was a police officer in Chicago for a few years (this is some sort of meta-joke about Mark Harmon's role in a short-lived television show called Charlie Grace), and then joined the Secret Service nine years ago. I think that's more than we ever learned about Mandy during her entire stint on the show, so I guess he'll be sticking around for a while. Hogan asks Simon whether he's ever had to "brandish" his weapon. Well, sometimes he gets really lonely and...no, wait. We're done with that metaphor for the moment. He says he has had to brandish and fire his gun before. Hogan ponders under what circumstances a Secret Service agent might have needed to use a weapon, and concludes that Simon was in Rosslyn when Josh and POTUS got shot. Hogan tells Simon that he's a "good guy," then, and pats him on the shoulder. Then she worries that she's not allowed to touch him. Simon says that it's okay. He'll regret saying that when she sticks her hand down his pants. Just then, C.J. comes out in the dress, looking magnificent (as if there could be any question). Hogan wants to spill the beans about Simon being at Rosslyn, but Simon interrupts Hogan and asks her to tell C.J. later. C.J. worries that Simon is bothering Hogan, but Hogan insists that he's not.

Back at the White House, Bruno walks up to Margaret's desk.

Bruno: Hey, Stacy.
Margaret: Margaret.
Bruno: I thought Margaret was the girl who worked here before?
Margaret: I'm the girl who worked here before. I'm Margaret.
Bruno: You changed your hair.
Margaret: No.

Leo interrupts this amusing exchange to invite Bruno into his office. Bruno leaves a red box on Margaret's desk, telling her that somebody asked him to give it to her.

In Leo's office, Bruno asks Leo to ask Jed to consider two precinct captains in Iowa who want jobs in Commerce. Bruno also asks why Jed refused to release his college transcripts to the Associated Press. Leo jokes that it's because Jed took a semester of tap, then says he'll look into it. After mocking Ritchie's intelligence, why would POTUS refuse to release his transcripts? After some more discussion, Leo asks about the ad. Bruno tells him that they don't want to see it on television. As Bruno leaves, he encounters Margaret at the door; she's looking at Bruno with surprise. She says, "Mr. Gianelli?" He says, "You can call me Bruno." Margaret smiles as he walks off. She puts the box he gave her down on her desk, and we can see that inside is a gold necklace with her name spelled out on it, like you get at those little kiosks at the mall. Awww, Bruno has a crush. How cute. That was also a little inappropriate and condescending, but then again, those are two adjectives that I'd generally apply to Bruno.

Sam's having lunch with Kevin at a classy little restaurant. Kevin is clean, thin, neat, about Sam's age, and immediately sets off my gaydar. Log Kabin Kevin suggests to Sam that perhaps they should consider meeting for lunch or coffee once a month. "We can be emissaries," he explains. "We can maybe help keep things under control if they get bad." I don't know what Kevin's role is with the GOP, but I don't see Sam being able to keep anything under control over at the White house, especially since the other senior staffers are regularly trying to find ways to keep Sam under control. Log Kabin Kevin asks Sam how he feels about getting "his candidate" to sign the clean campaign pledge. Sam points out that "his candidate" is "the president." Kevin apologizes, and then asks, "When was the last time we saw a genuine dialogue?" I run screaming from the room. I hate, hate hate the use of the word "dialogue" as a synonym for "meaningful conversation." To me, "dialogue" refers to lines that are scripted, and when I hear it used in crap-ass office-speak, I take it as a signal that "meaningful conversation" is the one thing that will not take place as a result of a "dialogue." Anyway, Sam jokes a response about a court case being their last "genuine dialogue." Log Kabin Kevin starts talking about speeches, but Sam interrupts him to apologize for the president's open-mike mistake. Kevin insists that it's no big deal and that most Republicans laughed about it. Yeah, right. Maybe the gun lobbyists, but that's about it. Sam decides to broach the subject of the attack ad. He tells Kevin that "something happened," and that somehow he ended up with a copy of an attack ad against the president. He pulls the tape out and sets it on the table. Kevin expresses surprise that somebody sent him the ad. Sam warns Kevin that his campaign has a mole, and pushes the tape across the table to Kevin, saying, "We don't need it. We don't want it." Log Kabin Kevin looks at the tape, thanks Sam, and promises that he'll "get to the bottom of this." Funny, I wouldn't have guessed Log Kabin Kevin to be a top.

Wednesday. Josh is sitting in his office, reading through some stuff. Donna comes in and whines that it's wrong of him to make her fire the intern. Josh says that he'll fire the intern, then. Donna whines that the intern shouldn't be fired, because it was just moose sausage, not "the plans to Los Alamos." Josh responds, "And we're the White House, and not Williams-Sonoma." Donna complains that the intern is unpaid and is trying to make his rent. Josh says that he can't by auctioning off White House gifts. Donna says she'll make that clear to him (and some former interns on the boards have posted that it's made very clear to interns from the start). She says the intern shouldn't be fired because twenty years ago, 75% of the students who graduated from the Kennedy School of Government took jobs in the public sector. Last year, only a third did. Well, since government internships weren't paid twenty years ago either, I don't think money is the source of the problem, here. Donna insists that they need these people. Josh agrees. She blathers on that Josh didn't give up her name to Martha when he thought Donna had sold off the moose meat so blah blah blah and Josh interrupts her to point out that he already agreed. Fine. Okay. Fine. Okay. Just kiss already.

For some reason, Bruno is hanging out in Toby's office while Toby rants about the problem with the news directors. Bruno suggests coordinating a floor fight. Toby suggests getting corporate sponsorship. Bruno asks, "The Nabisco Democratic National Convention?" Toby says it's better than four nights of professional wrestling. Well, there go those Southern votes again. Toby continues to whine, but Bruno doesn't think that the news directors were really serious. He theorizes that they just needed to get some stuff of their chests, and when push comes to shove, they're going to cover the conventions. Bruno suggests that Toby at least give them something that they want. When pressed for a suggestion, Bruno mentions that he's partial to animals that can do math. They bicker some more. Bruno says he doesn't think it's possible for the four news directors from four competing networks to get together and decide anything. Toby thinks about that for a moment and wonders the same thing. Then he comes to some sort of realization and calls Bonnie in to ask her to get in touch with somebody in the Justice Department. Bruno comments that he still thinks it was about the skyboxes.

POTUS walks into his Oval Office, which is chock-full of the folks from the Situation Room, along with Leo. Leo explains to him that one of the transmissions Intelligence has intercepted has been traced to an alias used by Abdul Al-Yossi. Jed says this doesn't mean anything to him. Somebody explains that this man is in the United States using that alias under an expired visa. He was last located in Bethesda. They raided his place; he was gone, but they found detailed drawings and information about the National Archives and the Supreme Court building. Fitzwallace adds that they also found information about guards for the buildings, and other security-related details. POTUS asks whether they have any idea where or when something's going to happen yet. Fitz says they don't. POTUS asks what happened to Abdul Shareef, who is supposed to be providing intelligence out of Qumar. He's informed that Shareef hasn't been helping them. Leo wants to put the president on Marine One. Fitzwallace says that's not a good idea. He would rather keep the president where he is until they get a better idea where Al-Yossi is. Jed thanks all the men; they take their leave. After they leave, Jed insists to Leo that he won't go to the bunker: "There are going to be people who aren't going to the bunker, and when I get out, I'm not going to be able to tell them what to do anymore, and I like doing that." He says that they should send Abby back to New Hampshire for her safety, but that if Secret Service tries to force him to go to the bunker, he's going to hand in his resignation to Hoynes. Oh, whatever, President Drama Queen. It would serve him right if he went and got himself killed. He stalks out.